Messages

My loves are, my three beautiful rambunctious children, art in all forms especially music, writing (i believe the art of words to be the hardest of all, and in ways most meaningful), and cooking. I also love nature.

Very nice and i so completely agree

I did lol

My kids went back "home" with their mother this evening, I always feel so sad after they leave...but im glad their mother is gone. I know infactically now, theres no way I could stand to be with her anymore. I cant take her doing thing 20 directions at once and I'm the one who ends up losing stuff or getting screwed,for instance somehow i lost my bankcard it should not have left the bed, but the more i think the more im sure she had it when she went downstairs to the office. But she asked me when she came back if I had it. Then made sure to let everybody know I lost it and how irresponsible I am. I just cant take her half cockedness. I never have as much bad luck as I do when Im around her. And its because of how she does, you cant think straight, you cant take a breath, I kkid you not, youll be holding a kid, a cup of coffee, and three bags of food and shell tell you to get the door for her. And Im not thrill with her screaming at our autistic five yr old to shut up and locking her in the bathroom with the light off (the child is petrified of the dark). I learned last summer the way to calm her down and take her mind off what caused the breakdown is to talk to her, ask her different questions, and when she expresses feelings (fear, anger, etc) address them accordingly. Example: She (the 5 yr old) wanted to watch netflix (shes an addict lol) she had a meltdown over going to bed, my ex screamed at her to shut up then put in the bathroom
Of course it didnt work, I laid down on the bed next to her, started asking her questions as nd talking about the apartment we looked at yesterday, she started calming down, but told md she was afraid of the dark, i held her told her i knew and assured her that i was there and i wouldnt let anything hurt her, she went to sleep in my arms.

Thats suppose to 15 smartass lmao

Thank you all so much. But i must confess, i have an ugly past, but that is what it is...past. I learned from my mistakes, and have grown so much in the past 115 yrs 8 of which learning to be a parent...still learning lol. I dont want my babies goin through what did, to be forced to do the things i did. THAT is why im fighging so hard for them. I tell them everyday 400+ times a day that i love them (something my parents never did) and love on them constantly to the point i aggravate them lol (again my parents=no affection unles we kids made first move). Oops sorry to ramble. Anyway not gonna be her toy anymore either.

Ya its a most incredibly exqusite pain to realize that within your, in regards to the woman you at one time loved with every oncr of your being, there is no longer anything there.

My ex brought the kids up for Christmas, i have been sitting here in her hottel room (no we didnt do anything) im spending time with my daughters. Anyway, I've come to the realization of something an awakening if you will. I Dont Love Her Anymore.I dont know if im being awful or finally setting myself free. Dont know whether to be happy or break down and cry.

As usual, great advice, flawless delivery A+ lol thanks Dutch

The house across the street is probably a bust they are talking of selling it. So its still at square one, oh btw my cousin told me i wasnt a man and couldnt take care of myself because I dont have a car or a house (says the 50+ yr old man who lives witth his mother)

The other night, my mother and sisters, went out with our cousin, my mother, and I'm assuming my sisters decided to go into rake johnnyboy over the coals mode, behind my back of course [I was at work (can't have me disputing their diatribe)]. I have no idea what all was said to him, but he decides that he needs to come here and set me straight, told me that before I came back here they had a perfect little family going, that my returning destroyed their family dynamic, that I was only a guest they invited, and should act accordingly, proceed to inform me as to when I should bathe, tending to my laundry, kitchen cleaning, etc. He then made me sign an contract that I basically "follow the rules" or be asked to leave. Oh and he lectured me on how to express my anger. So I walked out, he followed told me I was acting like a spoiled child that felt like everybody owed me everything. I told him that if he thought that, then just like everybody else he could shove it up his * cause he obviously doesn't know me at all. Anyway, I'm just sick of the back stabbing, and everything. My cousin asked me what I was thinking. What I was think was this....I want what was taken from me, my security when my sister threw resentment and hatred at me, when my mother threw god, punishment and *-fire at me over every little thing (like liking girls), my innocence when my father attempted suicide, my fearlessness everytime the household fell apart into a family fight. Finally I want them to realize that it hurt me too when it came out that they were abused. I was affected too. I want them to realize that my feelings matter too. I didn't ask to be born and "destroy their perceived idea of family".

I'm sure most of you know my situation by now. I have three beautiful children by a woman who seems to think the relationship is a light switch, turn it on when she wants something, turn it off when she wants to go play. That's her way of soothing her conscience I believe, she convinces herself that " Hey I didn't cheat, we were broke up" which in theory may be true. Anyway, she is back into her, I wanna be together with you mode, this time however I'm having a lot of trouble shifting back into that gear. II do care about the woman, I do wish I could help her with her "issues" I also know from experience with her family that she is pretty much alone except for me (her family is the most extremely selfish bunch I've ever met) Finally, I also know her dad unfairly dropped all responsibility of her into my lap. Basically stating that I had no right, nor should I expect to be happy, and that I had no choice but to take her back. *sighs, now my dilemma, there is someone else. I can honestly say I wasn't particularly looking for someone else, but we found each other. Been talking and stuff for about a month. Am I wrong for letting that happen? Should I "go with it?" Would really appreciate some advice, I'm so mixed up right now.

I like Nietzsche, have studied some of his work

Ive been listening to Black Sabbath a lot lately, and the chorus in one song (Sabbath bloody Sabbath) really resonates with me....

No one ever seems to let you know
When you ask for reasons why
They just tell you that your on your own
and fill your head all full of lies.

I used to listen to Sunday Bloody Sunday for a while. It's about a massacre, not about abuse, but there was something I could relate to in the stance - it's not aggressive, nor sad and despondent, but it's still full of emotions, and it talks clearly about the facts without sugar-coating them AND talks about unity and non-aggressive forms of reactions, too. ... Or I'm reading too much into it, that's also possible.

Sunday Bloody Sunday my all time favorite U2 song is about the Easter Uprising in 1916 by the Irish Republican Army against the English lol so I m Irish....among other things