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« on: January 05, 2017, 11:03:30 PM »
Had a nasty run in with my inner critic last night. I'm having a flare-up because of some recent stuff. I was in a car accident -- no one hurt, bu I couldn't afford to fix my car. I'm 70, and began thinking of all the fender benders I've had in the last six month, the trouble parking and staying in my lane all the time. The truck I ran into that popped off my passenger side mirror. You get the idea -- there are more. My driving has become more and more erratic, and after talking with my therapist, decided now would be a good time to stop driving.
I'm used to going out every day for lunch -- it's only been two days since the car has been gone. It's okay -- I had some good stuff delivered, and am sharing that with my parrot. Still, this will be a big adjustment. Luckily, there are a lot of transportation options for seniors who don't drive. My daughter was happy to hear my decision, because she had been worried about my driving.
Anyway, I was having ups and downs while I was waiting to sell my car -- it was drivable, so I still went out every day, but not far at all.
So last night I went to bed, and woke up at four. My inner critic was in attack mode, and my thoughts got all jumbled. Kept telling myself I needed to get out of bed, but it took a while to act on that. I made myself a cup of tea, and read for a while. It calmed me down, and after an hour or so I went back to bed and fell asleep.
My parents were very critical, and some of the things that they were critical about turned into nasty abuse. They never stopped, either. When my father died, and it was just my mother, I dealt with it by refusing to go anywhere alone with her. She was nice when other people were around.
But I couldn't avoid her completely, and during her last rational conversation with me, before the Alzheimer's took her mind, was all about her talking about my whole life, and all the things that I had done wrong. We were waiting in the doctor's office, so I couldn't leave. I did tell her if she didn't stop I was going to sit on the other side of the room. She didn't stop and I moved. From then on, her caregiver at the board and care took her to doctor's appointments. I went, but kept my distance.
Enough about that. I'm glad that I found a way to calm myself down.