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great thread, so applicable for me too. thanks everyone X

This has been happening for 19 years now - amazing husband, supportive and loyal but has some sexsomia issues - as in whilst asleep or mostly asleep he occasionally tries to initiate stuff - on the odd instance he will jump on me, give me a * of a fright... totally unaware of his actions unless I wake him by hitting him or shoving him away.
I have had years of sleeping on the edge and am nervous of any movement, I wake right up angry and ashamed - completely retraumatized and head straight into freeze/dissociating. The feeling is such that I can't complain and even have trouble calling it what it is. Which leaves me distraught and feeling trapped, and not respected but violated. The same old feeling that my body "doesn't belong to me." 
Does anyone else have experience with this? I love him a lot, really I do and he is such a good man and hates that he does this. Right now though I want to never share a bed with him, and all trust feels eroded. Sad.
Thanks, so glad for this forum.


This is from wikipedia....
Sleep sex, or sexsomnia, is a condition in which a person will engage in sexual activities while asleep. This condition falls within the broad class of sleep disorders known as parasomnias. In extreme cases, sexsomnia has been alleged, and accepted, as at least a part of the cause of sexual assault, including rape.

hi! what a lot of hard work you've done thus far in the light of everything, great brave stuff. quite amazing. but I understand your feelings of abandonment and betrayal - its a deep root, and having a parent who parentified you (me too, I had that) leads too long standing confusion, the attachment gets 'disorganised" as you never know when the caregiver is going to be caring in a healthy way or if you'll have to put your needs on hold in great hope it'll be different next time.  I don't have any big ideas for you but thought to write and say I am standing with you and applaud your process to healing, you deserve a good safe love, and do feel good and OK about kicking to the curb anyone who doesn't give you that.

thanks all you amazing peoples, such heart warming and kind responses. SO good to know you are not alone. I have been obsessively paranoid about posting here or anywhere about anything as am mega guarded, but here does feel a safe space with room to heal in some way  hurrah for small steps!
Sanmagic - weehoo  -I hope your therapist is a great match, we're hangin' right beside you too.
Dee - thanks, i will check out the boundaries book - I have heard of it, but to get a recommendation from someone on here means a lot.
three roses - thanks! nice to hear from you!
AphoticAtramentous - yes, indeed true... and I know my family are glad to have me, rough patches and all, phew!

Hi everyone! so glad for this forum....
Its been dawning on me how vast my trauma and response to stress and life in general is. I have always been really confused and forgetful about my childhood - baffled, unsure etc... Just when i thought the (multiple) sexual abuse were the source of my troubles I started seeing my solo mother's neglect of me - the lack of parenting, coaching and connection and it stretches as far as the eye can see. She tried, did her best but her apparent contempt of me shaped my view of myself.

I didn't know my pain level, didn't know what anxiety was, didn't know how to say no, didn't recognise when I was uncomfortable, had no idea about a sense of 'self". I avoid people coz I can't seem to set boundaries and close off a conversation - too aware of their feelings which seem more important than any of mine. Too vague and willing to just see what happens without taking control etc etc...lots and lots of doormat symptoms. I have just figured out what Pete Walker means by "abandonment melange" and thats what I feel so frequently. Another of those slowly coming back to self-awareness moments, recognising that. Its like I missed a whole subject in school, and know nothing of whats going on with me. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd 4 years ago, such a help.

Back to my mother - she couldn't let me say no to her and would go super cold, shut me out if I tried to set my identity or question things, state my needs - as a kid does. Her own mum had some crazy seasonal disorder - clinical depression half the year every year and was full of harsh judgement, sulky huffy looks and thinly hidden insults. My Nana died last year - she helped to raise me when my mum was dealing with her violent ex husband in the courts... and took me in during her second marriage breakup... and I adored my Nana, hated her too at the same time - she was so affectionate yet cruel to me, said I was the most like her yet was so jealous of me, would shoot me a look like a mean girl out of a teenage movie. Grieving her was so hard with these mixed emotions. Still don't understand what her problem was.

Anyways, she did a number on my mum. Mum told me just after my wedding she "never chose me, I chose her" - part of some  toxic spiritual theory she still adheres to - conveniently absolving her of any responsibility of mothering. She believes her sister (2 years older) was her mother in a former life and has told her that - and adjusted their relationship to fit that belief. I am shaking my head even now... grasping for logic, none to be had. And she's a successful salesperson, seems together.

Growing up, my mum taught me hardly anything. She just didn't talk, I knew on some level she was traumatised herself, but still I never felt wanted. My dad beat her severely in the stomach when she was 9 months pregnant with me to make her miscarry and she has told me she spent months deep depression when I was born, and thus begins the attachment disorder. Now it seems the only thing she feels all unconditional love-like for is her animals. So now we live the other side of the world, and we haven't been back for 3 years. I love her so much though, its really really hard to do this, I can't confront her again - her words when they come are like a knife.

I am tired of feeling hypervigilant/invisible and unwanted all the time - I have an adorable family (4 kids) of my own and an amazing husband. He wears a lot of disconnection, and is so strong - deserve so much more love than I can give him. I wish I could find and afford a therapist, but we just can't do it right now, I feel the necessity though.

Thanks for the venting space, its a little all over the place but am sure you get the idea.

Dee, so many pockets of humanity all around the world don't look after victims of abuse, and going through a prosecution - telling the facts is retraumatizing let alone having the mixed emotions of the abuser being family. You are a hero. You really are.  Your Dad made his choices and you aren't responsible for that, he alone is, and all the consequences that follow. You may have more healing to do but look how strong you have been, and that's without the support you deserve. Once again, you are a hero. Your ex-husband should never have used that delicate disclosure against you to gain custody, unfair and untrue. Shame be gone, I think you are amazing.

Oh no, that sucks. Sorry it didn't pan out!  I totally get how you must be feeling.
Just this morning I cried over such a heinous lack of justice in the system - I have twice made official statements to the police about my childhood abuser  - when I was 17 and again when I was 21 - the second time as my mother had left him and could finally admit I was telling the truth, so I thought her recanted-denial of my story when they questioned her first time around would help. Not at all! Even with a counselor from Wellington Rape Crisis centre with me as support while I gave my statement at the New Zealand Police Child Services dept, the overly casual officer somehow left out of my statement the major detail that I had already laid a charge against my stepfather - this was astonishing as it was a huge part of my story and a part I most definitely included,  I had a witness now (my mum) who would back me up - I explained all of that etc etc.... but this officer sent 2 local officers to question my stepfather who was and still is a prominent vet in a small farming town and his lawyer informed them if they come to him again he is suing the police department and also me for defamation of his clients character. So, back at the NZ Police Child Services the overseeing officer informed me his men "came back with egg on their faces" as I had not made them aware of a previous charge I had made. So out the case went. This was with my witness having heard my statement - yet that kind, well-meaning lady couldn't handle the confrontation so wouldn't come back in to back me up. 

I am 43 now, it seems every other day I wish for justice over this. Am considering trying again... but now I live in New York not New Zealand, too hard from here. And the pedophile is still at large - I wasn't the first and I know I wouldn't have been the last. His damage to me was vast and on many levels, but he will face the music someday, in this life or the next. 
Yay for action though, you fought back and that means something. X

so sorry for your upbringing, what you have been through sounds horrendous. I agree with the other responses in that that's how abuse (and of course the abuser) bends us to its will - we think we must have deserved it, which is a total lie. I still battle with that one. But it does and can get better and you aren't alone.
Peace be with you! XX

sounds like a form of dissociation to me... although its creative, and great solace can be found there! I am a musician/singer/songwriter and notice my "happy place" - my safe place is composing and creating quietly - feeling my way to what strikes a soothing nerve for me. And I have just recently seen that as me dissociating, though at a lesser scale to how I can and have dissociated before. 

It would be great to get curious amongst it though and to grieve out the need to numb out - BUT also to encourage you, these songs I have written in that quiet space have been played on radios, during primetime tv shows in Australia. So - fantasy or therapy, or self-medicating via reveries - in my broken and humble opinion sometimes that's where our truths are and as we fashion it into a story line or a picture of a poem or a song then something really amazing can happen.
Go you! X

Yes, I haven't been able to determine which are my primary responses - seems I have all 4, also -

phew - so glad to hear I am not the only one. sad you have that trouble too though. thanks so much.

I will be your friend!!! I bet you are awesome, and from reading your words and hearing your heart you ARE awesome. Your responses and fear are totally understandable from what has happened to you, its ok to be quiet. 
Have you worked through any self help books? Or talked to a good-enough therapist? I highly recommend Pete Walkers from Surviving to Thriving. Its helping me with my social anxiety which includes keeping people at bay as they don't seem safe.
You aren't alone! XX

Hi out there! So with much sadness and confusion it appears as though I am ALL of the 4 F's - Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn. Different triggers bring on different, albeit harrowing EF's and I get stuck in all responses. I have been taking stock, becoming mindful for the first time with diligence and spend a huge amount of my week every week in flashbacks. Argh! I'm attending CoDa - 12 step program for CoDependents (which is amazing btw) - but am slowly realizing I have much more to wade through and feel like an oddity. Pete Walker says you may oscillate between 2 responses as your go-to - or even a hybrid of 2.... but doesn't mention having problems with all of them.  Does anyone else have this conundrum? This really sucks. All C-PTSD symptoms suck. Repeated and varied trauma all through my childhood has seemingly tipped my brain upside down. Still, life is a beautiful thing. Thankful for this community! X

hey, I have a similar issue with my mum, she was abused by her dad but turned the other way when I was being abused by her second husband.... although I was only young I could see she just blanked out into dissociation. Still its a bitter pill to swallow as I do (and most of us I am sure) long for a healthy and honest relationship with our mothers. I have talked to her, but it just hurt. I didn't hear what I needed or wanted to hear, so there goes the potential for a healthy relationship... up in smoke. I hope your mum's stay is going ok for you, and you are able to care for yourself, and process some stuff when it suits you. xx

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, and having her moved so close to you - that sounds like something a stalker would do... could you possibly move away for your own sake?
I hope you have some good support in the way of a good friend or two. You deserve some solid support and tlc and am glad you are here.
X

oh man, bullying - I had it bad, and sometimes I saw those who bullied me getting bullied, but that didn't make it any better. I grew up in a small town with more than a bit of poverty with a few broken homes around - and that town turned out some sad and angry kids. I got blocked and jumped on my way to school, my paper run etc and it haunted me. Totally added to my developing C-PTSD. 
SO - I stand with you in your pain  and tell you - you ARE awesome, you WERE awesome when that was happening and whomever was trying to embarrass you could see that awesomeness and wanted to make themselves feel better by making you hurt.  And now you are sticking up for others? Go you!!! Silver linings....
XX