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My three things for today are:
I ate a good breakfast, I got on here, and I tried to speak kindly and be compassionate to myself after almost rear-ending someone instead of beating myself up about it

Great idea Wife2!

Sanmagic, You are so wise and supportive. I'm so grateful that you share your wisdom here, for us all to learn from 

So the other day, I was looking for an  important document of mine and stumbled upon F's birth certificate. Do you know what it said? That he's NINE years older than he told us he was???  He always said he was the same age as my mom, but nope, actually almost ten years older. First, that's a really big gap, but second WHY has he lied my entire life about his age?? Is it a narc thing about appearing younger than they are or... I honestly have no idea. I'm not sure when he was planning to tell us, like were we just supposed to find out after he died how old he really was?? That sounds like a huge problem.
Plus, now there's all kinds of confusion about what I the progression of his life events. If he actually did meet my mom in college (which he claims to, but who knows i guess) that would mean he was in college for like 12 or 13 years. He didn't go to grad school. Nothing is lining up as far as that goes.

I'm kinda just reeling from this. Why would he lie? What is he hiding? or is he hiding nothing and just doesn't want to admit his age? What else is false?? 

Candid-- You hit it right on. Shame is definitely the word. Shame of being different, that keeps us in fear of connecting with others.

Tea-- That is a great idea! I'm gonna try that. When i think of something I need I can recognize it instead of telling myself that needing things is bad, and then I can work to fulfill said need. Thank you so much!

Wife2-- The clothes and shoes that fit really hit me... I always had clothes and shoes technically, but had to wait til F or M noticed I desperately needed new ones... I feel like I heard "But we just barely got you [fill in the blank] last [however long ago it was]! you need new ones already?"

Thank you all for your responses 

I was so isolated growing up. and i guess still am...
Never did anything with friends, cuz there was no one "good enough" for me to play with. everyone was a "bad influence" on me. In other words, they were NORMAL. and being around them I might get ideas in my head about things i *should* be doing. I stopped asking to go over to friends' houses. I hated bringing friends over to mine, in case they might witness F yelling. I stopped having birthday parties. (these were always a way for my parents to put on a face of how good they were).
Anyway, there's much much more of that, but my problem is that now, i continue to isolate out of habit. Yes, I am very introverted, and i don't have a problem with that. In public I feel like i have three eyes or something so wildly different from the rest of people. I can't decide how much of that is normal introverted-ness, and how much is because as a child (and still!) I was to be seen and not heard, i walked behind, I said yes daddy and then i'd shut up. i know that today i feel like everyone thinks that way about me...that i'm so completely different and LESS. Fundamentally less than everyone else. that was kind of a realization that i could feel, but never exactly put into words before..
I don't feel like i should deserve the same things as others, i expect to be ignored, belittled, to have every simple request denied. This gives me a lot of struggle trying to practice self-care. It seems scary and dangerous to try and say that I need something... I'm trying to overcome it, and let myself have needs and express myself, but both feel very dangerous. It feels like everything I ask for i'm going to be made fun of for asking for, or get a harsh "no, leave me alone". I feel the need to apologize for every word and action.
Well, this post has taken kind of a different track than I expected. Not as much about isolation, but about ... something else that I can't think of a name for right now..

Thank you Elphanigh 

I find that maybe we are a bit more prone to it because someone has introduced a sexual layer of life to us that someone so young should never have.

I agree. I see it in my younger sister also, it makes me wonder what has happened to her 
Thank you for caring about me and validating me 

Still sitting with you, Elphanigh. Still reading and sending support 

Elphanigh--
I've just read your journal. I am so sorry for the horrible things that you had to go through. Words can't express it...
you are so strong and brave to write through your experience.
I wish I had something worthwhile to say to you, but I just want you to know that I care about you, and I know you can heal eventually. I'm listening. I support you. I truly care about you.

Thank you Blueberry 

it's definitely been one of those weeks...but i'm feeling alright at the moment.
will post more later when i can get my thoughts in order

Hope,
this is what I'm working on right now. (lol ok, I feel like i'm working on something different every week..) thank you so much for posting this. Working on knowing and caring for myself is probably the *first* thing I need to work on,,

Hazy,
that was a great article, just skimming it and nodding my head all the way down... yep yep yep.
thank you!

Standing with you, Blueberry! 

Me too 

Welcome Shelley!
I love this place. It has been such a big help to me.

I really want to work THROUGH this, acknowledge it, and walk forward better equipped.... not just numb myself to it

EXACTLY!! Me too! Posting on here has helped me with this more than anything.

Just wanted to say thank you SOOOO much for this Wife2 

The first time I remember wondering if I really existed, if i was really here, if I was a real person or if everything was a dream was when I was in first grade. Sometimes the feeling seems constant. it's honestly terrifying sometimes, it feels like you're drowning inside your head.
I read somewhere that people with severe depersonalization (so me and all of you that have posted) are so extremely self-aware that they doubt their own existence? and I've also read that victims of abuse are very self-aware, because they always have to be monitoring everything tiny that they're doing to avoid further abuse.
Another thing: as victims of abuse we didn't feel like real people. (at least me).
Those are kind of my detached ideas about the subject.. I have a hard time grounding, but am working on it. This is on my mind a lot.

"they didn't ask for all this, why are you writing all this, shut up already, nobody wants to hear it"

Yes we do! talk as much as you want! 

Kizzie thank you for saying that families haven't ever run into each other here! I am terrified of that too... but it's good to know that it hasn't happened yet. And i feel like this is the ONE single place where i would be believed and supported and F would be recognized for what he is.