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This is hard for me to say, but I understand. For me it's my dad and bf though. My bf isn't abusive though...but I feel like I'm trying so hard to please both and it's ripping me apart. (Dad and bf pretty much hate each other.) I'm codependent on bf which I'm trying to fix, but it's so hard. He's dealing with stuff too so for a long time we were like each other's only support. I feel like I'm rambling. It's really hard for me right now. I end up just distancing myself from both of them which doesn't fix or help anything. I don't know what exactly I'm trying to say here. I know what you feel though I think. Lots of confusion. And other things that are harder for me to identify.

I know that feeling too Sienna. The intense fear and dealing with others anger over me trying to set boundaries. I don't really have any comfort other than just I know how you're feeling.  hang in there (which I know doesn't mean much...) 

I always thought I had a lot of issues. I'm slowly realizing that they're not isolated--they're all connected. They're all SYMPTOMS. Somehow that's comforting to me?

I don't know exactly where this post should go...I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place.
So my SO has an addiction that I've known about for a while but I still get triggered by random things. I'm kind of losing it right now so I'm sorry if this is totally incoherent. What do you do to cope with panic attacks? Usually I just wait them out by totally shutting down but I'm at work right now so that's not really an option. Literally when they happen at home I lock myself on the bathroom and sit on the floor just rocking back and forth. I don't know how to keep functioning normally right now. I'm kinda just barely holding it together...

Thank you Sienna it really means a lot.

I love that, woodsgnome.

Thank you guys. It feels safe here.

Thank you Dee and mourningdove! That was a really helpful link. 

Hurt. Alone. Sad. But am faking it

Sorry, one more thing. I usually have a really good memory and can remember conversations, but when conversations are deeply upsetting, I forget the whole thing. I remember that it happened, I remember how I felt, but I could not tell you a single word of what was said. Is that the same type of thing? I really have no idea if its even related...

So I really don't know if this is dissociation or not. I have very real feelings that I'm in a dream. It's hard to describe but there are moments when I'm like "wait, this is real?" I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I just have like fuzzy, detached, confused feelings. Does anyone else get that? Is it dissociation?

Hello
So this is my first time, I don't know exactly what to say...
I found this site from out of the fog. I've been doing a lot of research to try and put words to what is going on in me--all I know is that it isn't normal... reading about cPTSD it all just clicked if that makes sense. I struggle with a lot of issues from verbal/emotional abuse that's lasted as long as I can remember (my therapist described this person as pathological): depression, GAD, social anxiety, really low self esteem, panic attacks...you know. I isolate a lot and struggle with co-dependency also. I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. It's just been a really rough few weeks and I need to talk to people who understand I guess.