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Messages - mourningdove

#541
Wow. I think you were absolutely correct in telling him that it's not "pushing people out of your life" to insist that your parenting decisions be respected by others - especially in your own home. It sounds like your H's boss-wife is not only intentionally violating that boundary, but then also trying to make you feel as though you have done something wrong for standing up for yourself. It would be bad enough if it was a one time occurrence, but it's really disturbing that she would do this repeatedly.

It's also disturbing that your H would go along with it and try to flip this into being about some kind of shortcoming on your part. You cannot "look at it from her perspective" unless you are the kind of person who thinks it's acceptable to go to another person's home, intentionally undermine the rules she has set  for her children, and then act annoyed and as if there is something wrong with her when she resists this invasion. I don't see how this is about "losing friendship" because friends don't do things like that. 

And I think it's awful that your H tried to use your relationship with your therapist to shame you into agreeing with him. That's really twisted. Maybe this is more about the fact that this is about his boss's wife, and he doesn't want to rock the boat, but can't accept responsibility for that concern?

And the situation is even more jarring because you are someone who takes the time and effort to homeschool.

I totally understand why this felt like too much to handle. It's very upsetting to read and I'm sorry it happened.
#542
Quote from: Annegirl on March 12, 2015, 06:39:42 AM
The EF symptoms are showing me I seem like im just living one giant EF. With sporadic days maybe 1 -4 every few months where I am not in an EF.

This is also true for me. You're not alone, Annegirl.
#543
Thanks, keepfighting and flookadelic (and Kizzie, again!). :)

I really appreciate all the kind welcoming and reassurance. It really helps. 
#544
Thanks again, C. and Kizzie. :)

I feel a bit better thanks to what you wrote.

#545
Thank you for the warm welcomes, flookadelic and C.  :hug:  :hug:

I feel terrible that I didn't reply earlier. I'm not sure what happened to me. I was so optimistic and then just fell off a cliff, emotionally, and haven't been able to post because of dissociation. If I had anticipated that, I might not have joined so soon. I say that because I usually have (like people have discussed on a different thread) a fear that something is wrong if I don't get replies from people within a certain time frame, and the last thing I want to do is trigger that in others. So I apologize for having dropped off the map. I've been following along reading as best I can.

#546
Thank you, Kizzie.  :hug:

Yes, I am looking forward to trying out Walker's strategies.

It is empowering to now have an understanding of EFs. On the flip-side, though, I'm feeling very intimidated by the work I have ahead of me, because I'm realizing that I'm almost always in an EF.

I think it may be wise to read the book slowly. I was so excited to finally have such validating and detailed explanations of what I'm going through that I read through the first 2/3 very quickly and got a bit overwhelmed by it all. 


Thanks, keepfighting.  :hug:

The Wikipedia entry for protracted withdrawal syndrome (or post acute withdrawal syndrome/PAWS) is actually decent, but I copied the following from a site called Point of Return (which sells expensive supplements and which I'm not endorsing) because it is the most concise explanation that I've found:

QuoteProtracted withdrawal is also referred to as post-acute withdrawal syndrome -- a cluster of symptoms or persistent impairments that occur after a rapid withdrawal from Benzodiazepines, Sleeping Pills, Alcohol and Opiates. Some Antidepressant users also complain of Protracted Symptoms after reducing or stopping their medication too abruptly.

Protracted withdrawal symptoms may adversely affect every aspect of daily life and cause symptoms ranging from tremors, weakness, insomnia, nausea, vomiting, anxiety, depression, gastrointestinal issues, neuropathy pain, electrical 'zap' feelings in the brain, cognitive cloudiness, depersonalization, transient hallucinations or illusions, and many others. These symptoms can range from mild to severe and generally persist for 2 -12 months. A minority of people may experience symptoms for years.

Unfortunately for me, I am one of those in the minority and I'm still having symptoms 3+ years out. I think there is hope for eventually leaving it behind, but when one is in it, it's like a chronic disease because the healing happens so slowly. And there's never any way for any individual person to know exactly how long it will take for them to get better. It's been the single scariest thing that's ever happened to me, so it's often a bit hard to talk about my own experience in detail.  :fallingbricks:

I'm really glad you asked though, because I think it's important to raise awareness about PAWS, especially in populations like this that are likely to come into contact at some point with SSRIs and/or benzodiazapines (Xanax, Klonopin, Atavan, etc.). It seems to be that the risk for PAWS increases the longer one has been taking a given class of drug and the more abruptly one stops taking it.

I should probably have said earlier that I've been having severe problems lately with dissociation, so I am not always able to put words together. I just wanted to put that out there so you all don't think that I post and then disappear. 






#547
Hi. I just want to say that I love this thread.

I actually once had a therapist push "fake it 'til you make it" and other trite advice on me as if it were therapy, and when I inevitably failed to fake it until I made it, I was shamed for not having tried hard enough and was eventually fired by the therapist! I had tried to talk about my past with her, and her attitude was like, "That's unfortunate, but we need to talk about the present."  :doh:

Sadly, I didn't know any better because I was young and she was my first therapist, so I believed that I was a bad person because I was not able to try hard enough to achieve results, and this intensified all the awful feelings that had led me there in the first place. So I have an enormous chip on my shoulder when it comes to all such facile suggestions.

#548
General Discussion / Re: Verbal Vomit Receptacle
January 24, 2015, 05:31:24 PM
Hi VeryFoggy  :wave:

I'm new here too, and incidently, "very foggy" as well!

I do not think the way you feel makes you a bad person. And I don't think it would make you a good person if you could tolerate someone who you felt was violating your space, because that would mean abandoning how you feel. It sounds like your roommate is self medicating whatever pain she has in her own life, and unfortunately, that means that she's also possibly numb to the effect she has on others. :(

It's healthy to feel angry if you feel like someone is violating your space. I know that if I had been in that position - and I often am in a similar position - I would be furious. If you feel that you acted too aggressively in response, then you could try to address that with your RM if it continues to bother you, or just try to change it up next time a similar situation happens. I realize that might be easier said than done - at least it would be for me. It sounds like she toned it down somewhat after you said something, so that's a good sign.

But I don't think it makes you ruined that you have a hard time around people like that. Not at all. You ARE fit for human companionship!  :yes:

And I did not feel vomited on, reading your post. Not in the slightest. I could have written it.



#549
Hey, thank you both for the warm welcomes.  :hug:

keepfighting,

Yes, the "C" was also crucial for me to understand what is really going on with me. About 16 years ago, I got the diagnoses of panic disorder and major depression, and was told that they were caused by chemical imbalances that I would have to take psych meds for life to correct. In therapy situations, I tried to talk about my past, as I intuitively knew it was important, but nobody ever wanted to hear it. Nevertheless, I even had one therapist fire me because I hadn't made enough "progress."

So I gave up on therapy for a long time, but continued taking the meds, which made me increasingly ill over the years. The whole time, part of me knew that I had been traumatized, not only in childhood generally, but I also had several experiences as a teen that might have been traumatizing in the "simple" PTSD sense for anyone. But the meds also made me really spacey, and I couldn't connect with my feelings at all despite the fact that they were controlling me.

So fast forward to now (skipping the acute med withdrawal period, because it is too triggering to talk about at the moment), I am completely off meds, which was my goal, but I've been suffering from protracted withdrawal syndrome for three years. During this time, I've made a major effort to find a "good enough" therapist, which I think I have at last. I had to go through three others, each of whom was pretty awful in their own way. But early in this process, it was at least acknowledged that I have PTSD, so it helped to have that recognized.

I don't remember where I first came across the term, CPTSD, but I searched it on the web and found the same article by Christine Courtois that is linked to on OOTS. I read it and everything fell into place for me, in terms of understanding my situation. I took it to my T, and she agreed with me that it fits. We hadn't really been hung up on diagnoses much, but in this case it actually helped me to have it, since I'd never felt that the official ones fit my experience - and more importantly, it gave an explanation of how I got to be this way and suggested how I might heal. Now that I've found OOTS and Pete Walker and I feel like I'm taking it to the next level.

Sorry, I realize that's a long-winded answer! It's actually the very short version.  ???

Kizzie,

Thanks. It helped me to read that you understand my first-posting anxiety. As soon as I hit "post" I found myself in EF land. My inner critic was going wild.  :pissed:  I've really only just begun to understand that what I'm caught in most of the time is EF. It feels strange in a really good way to know that there is an explanation for the way I feel. I'm still getting used to the idea that there are actual people out there who have similar experiences. :)










#550
Hi. I'm not sure what to write here, so I'll just say thank you for creating and holding this space.

I figured out that I have CPTSD about a year ago, after many years of being misdiagnosed, but just found this site recently. I've had to take it slow reading, because sometimes I've been overwhelmed by how much I identify with people's posts. I'm really grateful for all the good information here. Got myself Pete Walker's book for Christmas and I just finished Part 1.

Think I'll leave it at that for now, as I'm feeling a bit like this about posting for the first time--->  :spooked:

Thanks for reading! :)