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Welcome SpookyAlice, and I am so glad you took the brave leap to post. I am only newly diagnosed in March of this year, but I know CPTSD has affected me all of my life. Since I was a small child.  I am 58.

You are so brave to fight through an ED and triumph! But yes, I get that you thought you would be out of the woods, and when it turned out that all the ED was? Was a mask for something more that still needs to be addressed?  The CPTSD?  Distressing!  But I am so glad you are working through it all one step at a time.  And we are glad you are here!

Do you have a therapist for CPTSD? Have you read Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving?  The book has really a lot of information for understanding the affliction and for finding a way out of the maze.

I hope you find this forum to be a safe place for hope and healing and welcome!

Welcome to the forum and it is a relief when we find something that just clicks for us and makes sense.  We know something is wrong?  But we don't know what it is.  It's just not mainstream, or something we have ever even heard of.  So I am glad you found us, and as you begin your search it may help you to post your story and share.  Look around and read other's stories and you may find something in common.

BTW - If you are using your real name?  For your own protection it would be best to change it.  We are all anonymous to protect the members.

Again welcome! And I hope you find hope and healing and peace.

DaiseyMae Welcome!  And I think you might be my twin in an alternate universe!  Much of your story is vey, very similar to mine.

So you will know when I say I am so sorry this has happened to you that I really do mean it!  You did not deserve this, you do deserve better, and you are so brave and courageous to come here and to share your story.  Talking helps. So I am glad you are here and I hope that you will keep talking and keep sharing and keep looking for answers that make sense to you! Welcome!

Welcome Southbound! And for sharing so much of your history and story. I am so sorry that life is so vey hard right now. It's hard enough having CPTSD, but to also be facing financial difficulties too is quite the struggle.  So you are very brave to do so, and hat's off to you!  And for your continuing your education, if for no other reason than the sharing of ideas.  That is a wonderful thing you are doing for yourself. And for fighting for justice for your property!

One thing you said struck me deeply and I would like to comment on it. I too am the Scapegoat.  You said your T said to you:

"You keep referring to yourself as the scapegoat, the truthteller. Do you understand that your family members each have a different truth about what went on?"

I am not sure your T realizes that all of your family probably views you the same way as you do?  As the Scapegoat and the truthteller?

Because I know in my family they sure do.  I had opportunity to discuss this specific subject with my NPD GC sis recently before I finally went no contact, and she absolutely 100% agreed I was the scapegoat, and they absolutely really did blame me for everything wrong with the FOO.  So sure, they have their own truth of being Lost Child or Enabler or GC, or whatever.  But they also know exactly who I am too, and they expected me to continue to carry the load. And to make their lives easier!

So, I have really upset the apple cart, not only by leaving my position as Scapegoat and going No Contact , but also by telling the truth too one last time before I left.  And it was a not a truth that could be distorted by one's position in the FOO hierarchy. And the truth is: I was abused.  The truth is I have CPTSD.  The truth is my NPD dad gave me CPTSD. And nobody can really argue with that.

Except, oddly enough they all did, but in funny NPD ways.

The NPD GC sis argued I did not have the right to share my truth, because it was shared with a family member who also was their employer.  Shrug.  Not my problem.  You are the one who abused me.  It's not my problem if that impacts your employment (It won't).

The NPD Bro argued I was just a devious, manipulative, lying conniver because I was an alcoholic and an addict, and had simply fooled the therapist.  No doubt he was smoking a joint while he typed.  Um, PTSD symptoms do not look like alcoholism symptoms? But hey, let's don't let facts get in the way!

The Lost Child Bro was just terrified that I was going to contact their employer about my abuse... and jeopardize their future opportunities for employment due to the scaremongering of NPD GC  sis.  What???  Is your employer my relative?  No?  Okay you're safe. 

Just weirdness.

Anyway welcome fellow writer of long posts!  I am sure glad you are here, and I hope you find it helpful and healing!

Welcome thegirlintheattic! So so glad you found your way here and I hope that you will find some peace and understanding.

And so accurate for me what you said. For me personally?  it's not "like" coming out of brainwashing?  It is coming out of brainwashing and even more? Taking the next steps at reprogramming my brain to think normally.  It is proving to be an obstinate creature, as even though I have been identifying, fighting and reprogramming the brainwashing for well over a year and almost exclusively?  I STILL find myself slipping into those old self doubt patterns and not always trusting my gut.

It is okay to have feelings, your own feelings, and you are not crazy.

We are so very glad to have you and look around and post where it feels comfortable to you!

Liliuokalani - What a perfectly miserable way to spend your birthday!  I am so sorry that happened to you. Some men are just absolute jerks and I have found out the only way to deal with them is to treat them exactly like what they are: jerks!  They don't seem to understand anything except really decisive almost aggressive treatment.

I read a book recently that really helped me with learning how to deal with a lot of very unpleasant situations and people. It was called Respect me Rules and was written by a brother and sister team The Marshalls.

They try to teach one how to set a boundary of what one will and will not put up with, and to enforce a consequence.

Here's some one liners I learned that may come in handy if you ever have to deal with this jerk again:

Boundaries

I don't allow anyone to speak to me that way.
That is your opinion and I don't agree.
Stop! You are not allowed to talk to me that way!
Enough! I am not interested in your thoughts on that.

Consequence

If you persist in speaking to me with sexual innuendo and disrespect I will ignore you and not speak to you until you can treat me with respect. (Or leave, or go home, or go for a walk, or find someone more interesting to talk to, or whatever you have to do)

All of these boundaries put the burden back on THEM.  It's their problem, not your problem and you simply aren't going to tolerate it.  I loved this book.  I hope you will find the one liners useful and I wish you the best in setting clear boundaries with this jerk!

And I too welcome you gritstone and I am sorry your post got lost and I hope you keep checking back here and find that we do care and we are here.  I would like to add my condolences on the probably strange mixture of feelings you are probably going through at being abandoned by someone who you believe to be NPD.  Even though it may in the end be for the best for your life?  It doesn't make it hurt one ounce less and that combined with flashbacks can just be overwhelming.

I second Kizzie's recommendation about checking out Pete Walker, and would urge you to get Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD:  From Surviving to Thriving.  Pete goes into great detail about flashbacks.  I believe they are different for each of us, and Pete has broken us down into other categories of types.  So there are Fight types, Flight types, Freeze types and Fawn types.  Depending on which type you are it will alter the way you experience a flashback.

Myself, I am a freeze type and when I get into one really bad?  I cannot think, or speak, or function at all, and am gripped with paralyzing terror and emotional pain. Whereas a fight type in the same situation might get violently angry. So it depends.

But the book is truly a blessing and is almost our Bible. I wish you the very best and I hope we see more of you soon! Welcome!

Hi Salsera! I "know" you!  I have seen your posts many times and you have helped me many times on OOTF.  Welcome!

I love OOTF.  It saved my life. But one day I found it wasn't meeting my needs anymore. I knew there was something really bad wrong with me, and all of the comfort and hugs in the world were not going to help me "move forward."  It was a WONDERFUL, beautiful, magical, healing place to start my journey, to cry and mourn and  get reassurance over, and over that I wasn't crazy.  They were PD.  There was NOTHING wrong with me. But I still knew something really bad was wrong with me. As things were getting worse and worse and I kept losing people left and right.

So I came here.  And started therapy. And it has been TOUGH, hard work.  I just thought I was working hard last year.  No, now I work 3 times harder!  But that is the only way out for me.

The thing I find most different about OOTS is we are really all working on ourselves.  We are pretty much, or getting there, finished with mourning.  And it's still not fixed.  So everybody here is working very hard on themselves and on getting better.

So I would have to say in my opinion OOTF is a GREAT place to start.  But if there is a need for more?  And you think you need to do more work? This is the place.  You won't get as many responses here, as we are still small? But everyone here cares just as much as on OOTF!  So Welcome Salsera!

Nverquit - Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and we are pleased and honored to have you. I am so, so sorry about what you are going through.  Sad for your loss of your dear friend, and your safe place, and so sorry you being tormented by your old abuser.

You don't deserve to be treated that way.  I hope you soon find a way to either reclaim your  former feeling of safety, or find a new place that will feel safe for you.  I know from personal experience how very, very important that having that safe place to be is for us who suffer from CPTSD.

I also hope for you that if you are not currently in therapy that you will find someone caring and compassionate to talk to and to assist you. Either a new friend or a perhaps a therapist.  For me personally having that very caring and compassionate person in my life literally makes the difference.  And right now it is my therapist.  She is really the only person I have left in my life to talk to about this stuff.  And this forum.  And it so helpful.

Please look around and I am so glad you are already seeing hope and comfort in the posts you are reading.  And I wish the same for you.  Welcome!

Hello CPTSDChild and welcome!  I am so sorry you have gone through all of the horror and pain that you have, it just doesn't feel fair to have CPTSD heaped on top of that, but it is just something that just happens to our brains when there is simply too much heaped upon it to be able to tolerate one drop more. 

I felt comforted recently in a letter my T. wrote on behalf.  She said it was a natural and normal occurrence to unnatural abusive treatment.  That validated me.  I left like wow! it just could not be helped and it is through no fault of my own!  It really encouraged me, so maybe you will find some comfort in her words too.

It is a horrible feeling that adrenaline shock you describe.  Do you have doctor you can discuss some possible medication with?  When it gets so bad that it is affecting you for weeks that can really impact the quality of life you have.  I have been through a few of those weeks myself and It's pretty horrific. I am so sorry. You don't deserve that.

You will find lots to look at here that may be helpful to you on your journey and I wish you healing and comfort!

Elizabeth - Welcome, and I am so sorry you are going through all of these symptoms alone with no one to reach out to for comfort or support. Please don't beat yourself up.  Generally the people who cause us to experience the original trauma that then results in these types of severe symptoms can be Personality Disordered.  So whoever caused your original trauma is not usually a normal person or persons. I am assuming that it was the families actions towards you that traumatized you and not events like explosions or witnessing violence? Please forgive me if I am assuming incorrectly and please correct me.

In any case I am glad your family is going to get you some help! Hang in there, and just know everyone here knows what you are going through physically and emotionally and we know it is awful. Sometimes talking about it helps, and there are many boards here where you can share as little or as much as you like.

Since I am not certain of what caused the original trauma, it is difficult to suggest resources to you, beyond this forum.  Many of us find comfort in Pete Walker's book Complex CPTSD - From Surviving To Thriving.  That may be something you would find helpful until you can begin seeing a professional.

Again welcome and I hope you find healing and comfort with us on your journey.

Danice - Welcome and I so sorry you are having so much trouble finding a therapist.  That's truly awful that someone like you who truly needs the help is turned away for fear of being involved in a court case. I am so sorry. That's got to feel like a double whammy.

Do you have a doctor who can prescribe some medications to help calm your flashbacks and symptoms?  Sometimes medication can help take down some of the anxiety a notch.

Also for myself I find reading books on topic is very helpful.  I like to use Amazon.com Kindle books and I am finding if I get interested in a specific topic like PTSD, the website will then begin suggesting other books for me to read. Sometimes that way I find more on the same subject that is helpful.

If it was a case of DV there are probably county or city agencies that could help you with finding a counselor? That just sounds so unfair to refuse you treatment because of a case! Again I am sorry and I hope you find someone soon and that maybe some medication and reading and of course browsing this forum may help you.

Word of caution!  if you are using your real name you will want to change that for your own protection.  Also it is usually not wise to give out your location.  Sometimes stalkers can be persistent and we want this forum to a safe place for everyone.

Anyway welcome and glad to have you!

lauren1971 - You ask why now after all you have survived why are you falling apart now.  Something to think about is there is a limit to how much a human being can endure. And if you relate to the role many of us here relate to which is Scapegoat, you try to fix everything for everyone, while constantly being blamed and attacked.  Eventually your brain cannot take anymore and it simply rebels and says No More! But it is exactly through this surrender, this admitting we are not all powerful and cannot control everything that we learn and grow.  So though it is a horrible thing to go through?  It is the first step out of the maze towards recovery. We break and admit our inability and then open our minds to learn and grow.  I hope this will help you.

ltlgrv - The way I found my way through this maze is that at first all I knew is certain people triggered me and sent me into a place of pain and terror and hurt me deeply.  This had been going on for 40 some years, since I left home at age 16. It was specifically my father and siblings that could induce these feelings of terror despair and pain.  There were very few other people in my life who did it.

So I started looking into what could be wrong with them.  I studied and researched and studied and researched and nailed it down to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Then I learned as much as I possibly could about that Disorder.

Then, I had to accept and mourn and grieve that I would never have the relationship with these family members that I had dreamed about. It was not ever going to happen.  Their illness is untreatable and incurable.  It took many, many months of searching and reading.  Finally I began to feel.  All sorts of feelings, but mainly anger.  Burning hot volcanic anger for what was done to me as a child and what I had been cheated out of and would never have.  I was never going to have a loving supportive family.  Never.

As I studied and learned I began to have a lot of memories of how the damage to me was done.  So I started going back in my mind and loving myself and giving myself the love I had been cheated of and was never going to get from my sick family.  This helped tremendously, learning to love myself.

Then I found Pete Walker's book. Which was also tremendously helpful. Other books I have read that I found helpful were about abusive people and how to deal with abusive people.  Also I learned about anger being a good feeling and something given to us as a guide to know when we are being mistreated. Respect Me Rules was a good one, Controlling People  was a good one.  Why Does He Do That? was excellent. And boundaries, how to set boundaries. A good starting point was Boundaries When To Say Yes, How To Say No.  But the other books I have listed were more actually helpful with boundary setting.

Then I discovered that almost every relationship in my life was set up in this same dance, this impossible dance where I tried to please to get people to like me and care about me and no one I was trying to be close to was capable. All were abusive towards me and exhibited the same signs of illness.  They were incapable of giving what I needed.  So I had to end those relationships too. It was excruciating.

Then I finally began therapy and luckily found a wonderful therapist who gives me the love I never had and who supports me 110%. 

So I am starting over, starting a new life.

Ltlgrv - So glad you found us here!  It's kind of amazing when we read something and CPTSD and it resonates and we finally understand what has been plaguing us all of these years.  But that is wonderful news as now you know what is wrong you can start working on  it.  There are a number of resources on this website, that I am sure you will find helpful as you begin to explore your recovery.