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Messages - VeryFoggy

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Oh C!  It has taken me a while to respond to your post because it was so poignant.  You wanted so MUCH to try and help and you DID.  For so long! Until you injured yourself doing it! I think that is admirable! I think you really, really tried to make a change. To the world. And I applaud people like you who do try to make a difference.  But I also most equally applaud people like you who understand the faucet of giving is finite. There is a limit to how much you can give.

So I am proud of you for recognizing the limit and doing what you could, but at the same time saying no more, I cannot take any more.

It is all of our jobs, really all of our jobs as adults to take care of the children. Not just you. All of us.

I did not take good care of my children. I did the best I could? But tonight after revealing to my daughter that I was most definitely sexually abused?  She wanted to know why I left her with those people.  I have no answers.

All I know is being abused messes with your mind, and you do not know who to trust, so you try hard to trust those you "know" you are supposed to trust, your family.

But doing the right thing for yourself?  Like you are doing now?  I believe leads to a better place, and that we can show our children, one step at a time. If we support ourselves, and reveal that trust in ourselves is most important? Then maybe we are doing even better work, even better than trying, sometime futilely to stop the oppression we see so often.

I don't know C. I am pretty mixed up tonight. But I think I think you are doing the right thing for yourself And THAT is a good example to set for your own children.

Introductory Post / Re: Needing Information and Help
« on: July 10, 2015, 03:13:18 AM »
Hello Oxygen! And what a great name!  Breathing helps. Just breathe.  When those flashbacks come, just breathe. I know that sound simplistic, but that is what helps me is breathing and doing things that make me breathe.  Like push ups, or vigorous walking or anything very physical.

It is a long and difficult journey - to put all the pieces together of WHY we did what we did.  But if we work hard enough and long enough it will eventually all make sense.

I second Trees recommendation of Pete Walker's book: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder From Surviving To Thriving. It was very helpful to me.  The first step in a long journey.

It feels like forever but I have really only been fully committed for a year and a half. But I have learned so much! I wish you the same feeling of success and understanding.

We are glad you are here and we will all help in any way that we can! :hug:

Introductory Post / Re: first post
« on: July 08, 2015, 11:20:16 PM »
Welcome MutualSoul!  Nice to have you here and I hope you will find it comforting, and welcome, and safe.

Yes!  Pete Walker's book is amazing, and a blessing to all of us who suffer from CPTSD!  So many things that never made sense are completely explained and now understandable!

I wish you success in finding a therapist.  I found I sort of had to diagnose myself in the end. I had seen many therapists off and on, but no one came close to actually addressing the problems I had.  So after studying for a year alone, I took all of my studies, knowledge and conclusions to my current therapist when I did not know her from Adam.  And I interviewed her. I asked her what she knew about NPD, the family roles, was she familiar with the Scapegoat, told her that I identified with that role, and asked her if she knew about CPTSD, and had she any experience treating it? From all of her most compassionate answers I could tell she knew what she was talking about and could definitely care for me in more ways than one. And if I was wrong in my own diagnosis?  She would still be able to help me. It was the best thing I ever did for myself!  So I wish you the same success!

Welcome again and we are glad to have you!

Introductory Post / Re: Do I belong here?
« on: July 08, 2015, 10:49:35 PM »
Cottonax - I just saw and read through this set of posts, and this quote from you kind of slapped me in the face:

"I could (should?) have asked for help from church and extended family, but I felt I would have to pay them back somehow, and I was already so overwhelmed that I couldn't do it. Besides, my job was making my parents look good, and asking for help would have made them look bad."

My whole body screamed when I read that part of your post.  My whole body screamed NO!  Your PARENTS  should have asked for help from the church.  Your PARENTS should have asked for help from extended family. It was your parents job as ADULTS to take care of their own needs!  Their bodies might have been broken?  But their minds were not, and they KNEW that as ADULTS they should have taken the steps necessary to care for themselves, and they should have taken the steps necessary to provide as NORMAL of a childhood  as possible to YOU under the circumstances.  Which would have included not growing up with the responsibilities of an adult weighing down the shoulders of a mere child! What they did is unthinkable, and unfair, and unjust, and you were robbed. You never even had a childhood.  I am so sorry. :hug:

So yes, a very belated welcome! And yes, you do belong and we are glad to have you!

Thank you for sharing Nyxbean. There is an awful lot of pain in your story. I am so sorry.  :hug:

For me one of the hardest and most difficult parts of my recovery has been that I could not help anyone else I loved. It made me feel sad, and like a failure to not be able to help them. Yes, my loved ones are sick, yes, they have terrible issues. But in the end I found there was only one person I could really and truly affect and change. And that was me. And I found out that if I changed?  Then they changed too.  I could advise them to go to therapy?  But I could not make them. But learning about boundaries and setting limits with them helped me get better.

And sadly I have ended up losing most of them, but the peace I have gained has been worth the loss. All of their drama simply exacerbated my CPTSD symptoms and exhausted me.  And finding myself, and who I am, and what I want. and where I want to go is peaceful and calm, and comforting.

You will find a lot of that here.  People who will support you and your recovery and where you want to go and what you want to do.  It is after all your life!

So I hope you take a look around and find that some of the forums have meaning for you, and will assist you on your journey.  And always remember we have all had to start from somewhere, and the first step is always the hardest. I am wishing you the very best on your journey to find yourself with us.

I couldn't really pinpoint the start of my recovery. I think I have been trying in one way or another to recover my whole life! But one thing that is clear to me is that I drowned myself in work.  And by working all of the time, there was simply no time to think about these things.  But once I retired?  I had plenty of time, so I would say that is probably when I really started recovering even though I did not know it at that time.

My true devoted searching began with a "last straw moment" in December 2013. I originally started my deep search by researching another person, not myself. It was my father. Who I found fit to a T the diagnosis of NPD. But the deeper I dug the more I saw. And the more I saw my whole family, and what was wrong with us, and who we were, and what roles we were playing.  Once I realized I was the Scapegoat?  Then I found OOTF. And have been working very hard ever since.

It has been a tough and rocky road.   Culminating in losing pretty much everyone except my FOC.  Which is only my son and my daughter. But I also gained you and my OOTF friends and my T. Who are all helping me to see that I am okay. And that I really  needed to lose all of the others because they are blind and cannot see.

I am still amazed at the power my NPD father has exerted over the minds of even the most intelligent people in my FOO. Even people that hate him, still cannot see that they were brainwashed and trained to hate me too, and to disbelieve me. Understanding helps me,  Understanding what being the Scapegoat means and entails helps. And it helps me to feel some compassion after I get over my anger at being unheard, unseen and misunderstood once again. But it does still amaze me. His power. It is quite simply amazing.

But the best part of recovery is? I know who I am, and I am not who these people think or say I am.  I am getting really comfortable with being ME.  And knowing who I am. And I  like me quite a bit!

And being here and spending time, quality time with people who are not formulating their next argument about why I am wrong or how my perception is wrong, or what I did was wrong, or how I am just plain wrong?  Has been So uplifting and refreshing!

So, Thank You! All of you for making this journey a blessing! :hug:

Step 20 / Re: Announcements and Other Topics This Week
« on: July 08, 2015, 01:38:40 AM »
Understood Kizzie! Do take care of what must be done.  We will still be here.

Introductory Post / Re: C-PTSD triggered for 17 years
« on: July 07, 2015, 01:20:14 PM »
Fish, welcome and I am so sorry for what you have been going through.  I hope that getting away from the triggers will bring you some peace and calm that those of us who suffer CPTSD all suffer from. Most of us simply cannot hope for much improvement as long as we are in the triggered state.

It's good news that you are going to get some help through EMDR therapy.  I have heard a lot of good things about it, but never been treated with it personally.  Though I remain curious.

You asked for some links or recommendations. On this site I would probably recommend the forum CPTSD and Us  along with Our Relationships With Others as a good place to start reading others stories, and see if any of it is relevant to you.

Also if you haven't yet I definitely recommend reading Pete Walker's book 'Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.'  This is sort of our bible and he just really cover s a tremendous amount of information about what we are experiencing and ways to address it.

Some other writer's books that I have found very helpful are pretty much anything written by Patricia Evans. The ones I found helpful: Controlling People, The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Victory Over Verbal Abuse. Also John Bradshaw, Healing The Shame That Binds You. Also very helpful in a practical way: Respect Me Rules written by The Marshalls a brother and sister team.

Anyway welcome!  And I am  so glad you found us and I wish you peace healing and safety.  :hug:

NyxBean - Welcome and so glad you found the site.  I started on Out of the Fog a year or so ago, but eventually became drawn to this one as it seemed more focused on specific things I was experiencing that were not resolved through cutting off contact with my NPD father.

I am so sorry you are going through so much anguish and turmoil.  It does take a lot of time and patience and effort to work through so many difficulties. I too broke up with  a SO a year ago (17 year relationship) and I thought the pain would kill me.  Quite literally.  Eventually I discovered by going back in my mind, and finding my wounded child and giving her the love she had never received from her parents, that the pain I felt at losing my SO was significantly reduced. I am not saying this as advice, it is simply something that helped me. Loving my wounded child myself with my adult self helped reduce my current day pain.

Some of your terminology I don't understand and have never been exposed to?  I apologize for my ignorance.  But what is a carer?  I have not been exposed to that term?

Again I am sorry you are going through so much, and all at once. I hope you get some of your most pressing physical diagnosis and financial needs met so that you can focus on healing. 

You will find many compassionate people on this site who truly care and who can empathize.  :hug:

I am so thrilled with my small contribution to helping others who come to this site lost and wandering.  That makes me feel good!  Every time somebody new to the site writes back and says I made them feel welcome and better? Then I feel better!

I may never write a book, or do public speaking on abuse, and why I believe it is so important to speak out about it and expose it for the sake and future of our children and grandchildren?  But I am seriously considering it. And it could definitely happen. Once I finish my recovery.

But for now I am happy to feel like I am helping those who arrive wounded and weary to this site to have some hope.

C.  I like the 1 - 10 scale you are using to think about this. That is a good way to look at it.

I too feel like I am still just in survivor mode at the moment. I am still reeling from the blowback of the confrontation, and it is only today that I feel my nervous system finally calming down into a feeling of peace and well being for one whole day.

But I know even one email or attack could send me right back into a massive EF.

A book I read recently trying to assess if there was SA called: Memory And Abuse by Charles Whitfield terrified me in that he brought up so many cases of the therapist being sued for exactly what mine did for me - stood up for me against my family. But I comforted myself that we "only" alleged child abuse in our confrontation, and I had remembered the abuse well before I ever started therapy and I have proof. It's just sad, so sad that I actually had to even go through that exercise.  Of making sure everything I said and that my therapist said was documented and that my memory of the child abuse returned well before I ever started therapy. And I have a journal and two witnesses that my memory returned BEFORE I started therapy.  So I do not believe there is any way she could be sued for implanting false memories into my mind.  That is the way the bulk of these cases were prosecuted.  And won in many cases. So sad for the therapist and the victim.

Anyway, yeah, no way would I be willing to call myself a thriver yet! Treading water maybe.

Yes agreed C.  I am in no way shape or form ready to even consider terminating therapy since I just started in March, and she did drop the bomb on me only last week about believing I was possibly SAed.

Introductory Post / Re: Hello
« on: July 07, 2015, 01:15:49 AM »
SMW - It sounds like you feel very, very trapped, and very hemmed in, and like you have no choices left at all, and that is a terrible feeling.  On top of that to make it worse you must face one of your abusers on a daily basis, which then I would imagine ramps up your symptoms making it very, very difficult to think clearly and to make good decisions.

I am so, so sorry.

Bur I am glad you are here and glad you have some support in the form of a psychiatrist and a therapist, and I hope your husband is supportive too.

As you look around this forum, I hope you will feel that all of us are pulling for you, and that we do care. Talking about it here does help. So I hope you find some meaning on some of the forums.  :hug:

Introductory Post / Re: New
« on: July 06, 2015, 06:46:44 PM »
Yes, Pigeon welcome!  That feeling of isolation and having no one to talk to who understands can be crushing to the spirit.  But you are safe here.  Everyone here is kind and compassionate and understands what you are going through.  So please look around, find your niche and once you start posting you will find amazingly that we all get it. 

I am so glad you are here and that you found us!   :hug:

Introductory Post / Re: Hello
« on: July 06, 2015, 06:42:43 PM »
Hello SMW!  So glad to have you and I agree with everything Kizzie said.  I've done this, taken a break and it is amazing what a break from feeling that pressure and constantly feeling of being on guard has done for me.  So getting yourself a break from it might be something to think about.  Also counseling is something that has been sort a of a miracle for me. Again a great idea.

You did not deserve the treatment you received.  You did nothing to cause it.  It is horrific that people can be so cruel to helpless children, and my heart goes out to you.   :hug:

It is wonderful that you are reaching out and trying to do something for yourself to help yourself and we are very glad to have you.

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