Messages

Welcome Nea!  Who diagnosed you?  Is that person a therapist who could treat you? I know it is overwhelming and scary to think there is something wrong with your brain, but over time you may begin to see it as a friend as I currently do.  It is a friend that warns me when I am a bad situation with a person who is mistreating me, or disrespecting me or not being truthful with me.

The best thing to do if you don't have therapy resources is to use books and this forum to share your stories, and to educate yourself. There are many forums on this site, and if you start reading them some of them may be helpful to you. Also you may like Outofthefog.net.  That is where I started and I found it immensely helpful to get started.  I did not know I had CPTSD until March of this year.

Also a group of us on this forum are doing a workbook called Adult Survivors of Child Abuse.  There may be plans to start another group, and do the workbook again in a few weeks with new participants to this forum who are interested in working through their issues.  I am participating in that group and though not all of it is applicable, a lot of it is and it has been helpful.  So there is a possibility that course and workbook will be repeated. I definitely recommend that. You can access that forum at the bottom of the main Support Forum page and look through our postings and see if you think it would be relevant for your situation.

The steps that helped me were to figure out the origin of the CPTSD, then find out as much as I could about Personality Disorders and really get a good understanding of what was wrong with the people who caused me to have CPTSD.   Then I read Pete Walkers book From Surviving to Thriving which was also very helpful.  I have also read a number of books on Anger and why it is good for us, emotional healing and boundary setting. Respect Me Rules was one I found very practical and very helpful.

I did a ton of work on my own before I started therapy and actually was diagnosed. I have been working on this for about a year and a half now, but only started therapy about 16 weeks ago. So it is possible to go far without actual therapy with books and forums.

Again welcome and I am so glad you found us!

Lauren1971 - Welcome! It's a tough diagnosis. PTSD or CPTSD.  But eventually with time you will figure out that YOU are not your diagnosis.  I have come to see it as a friend. Not some dire catastrophe of my life. I view it as a friend because even though mine is much too loud? It is never wrong. When I feel those horrible feelings?  It is because someone is being horrible to me.

When it happens, you are reminded of other traumas that have happened to you.  You may not remember them but your body and your subconscious and your brain remembers.  It's simply an early warning system on overload.

You want to cry because you need to cry, for yourself.  The one nobody ever cried for before. Who deserved to be cried for. You are trying to be so tough and so strong in the face of horrific struggles. Somebody does need to feel sorry for you. For once. 

Your story resonates with me.  I have lost children to an ex, been beaten down by siblings, and have a parent losing her mind. I think due to abuse from a Narcissist.

We will listen and we will care, and we are glad you are here.

Welcome FredrickaGoshlox!  I have a similar story to yours as well, except is was a father who was NPD.  I am 58 and was diagnosed a few months ago. And I don't lash out I freeze in terror, but everything else it the same.  Yes being able to write is a blessing.  I just completed my 971st page of a Journal I started a year ago.  It is a blessing to have somewhere to dump all of my feelings as once the dam broke there has been quite a torrent.

But being here too helps as does Outofthefog.net.  It was like getting a new family as everybody here knows exactly what you are talking about and speaks the same language and has the same feelings.  Something we have never experienced before.

I am so glad you are here and I hope you find peace and comfort on your journey.

Elsbeth, So sorry for you that you are going through this.  My sick, sick individual actually went so far as to take my children away from me when he teamed up with another sick, sick individual. I really don't know how I survived it, but I did, and I am glad I did. Glad I did not take my life and glad I survived.

As eventually, as time changes everything, my children chose me when they were old enough to say what they wanted, and they moved back home with me, no fuss, no mess no court.  So hang on, what looks hopeless today could change in a few years to something totally different than what it looks like today.

You just never know what is going to happen.  Hope is an awesome thing to have, so cling to hope.

I can't say anything about drinking to numb the pain as I did it too. A little at first then more and more. Not enough to mess up my job?  But enough to dull the pain. I quit drinking that way about a year and a half ago. And I am 58 and my kids are now 31 and 29. I have not quit drinking?  But I quit getting blotto and it is so much better.

But I have had CPTSD all of my life I just did not know what it was. And the men I chose to try to recreate and make it come out right this time were all some version of my father. And it did not get better it got worse. The harder I tried the worse it got.

But this place and another place - Out of the fog - saved me. So I highly recommend both places.  Here and Outofthe fog.net.  Both have much to offer, and will help you feel your way out. I am slowly doing so myself. And I have hope. And I hope you have hope?

Welcome WaltzingMe!  I think the first time I read Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. I thought I was getting triggered by the book. It sounds like you encountered some things like that in a course you were taking and thought you identified too much with the course.  But that over time you saw that no, it wasn't the course at all, it was that you were reminded of things in your own life.

Generally, not always, but generally, the things we are feeling and thinking here on CPTSD.org  are related to our childhood. The feelings and thoughts and decisions we made as children in order to survive, then drive and motivate our choices in partners and even best friends when we become adults.  We choose the wrong people to try to replay the original trauma and make it come out right this time.  Generally it doesn't.

You don't mention your childhood , but there may be some element of what you went through with your man that may tie back if you look.

What is your relationship with your parents like? It's just a place to start, to start looking at where this came from. This anxiety and pain. And it may be fine. It may be there is nothing to look at.  But mostly these things start in childhood. Could be something else that happened not related to your parents.

I am so happy for you that you are looking!  That is the first step! We are glad you are here, and we welcome you on your journey!

HopefulSeeker - Welcome and I am so glad you found this place to go. Yes, your life was horrific, unbelievable and yet it happened to you. And now you are so, so bravely picking up the pieces and mending it.  That is wonderful news and there will be a lot of grieving and mourning that you will have to go through to get past the pain.  But there is light after the storm and you have been through a terrible storm. An incredible and awful storm. And just know that there are many others here who have suffered unjust, unfair, undeserved treatment just as you have. And part of that journey is going to be to find the anger that is yours that you own and deserve to feel.  And then to work through that pain and that anger.  But when and if you are brave enough to go into the flame? It will burn the ugliness away, and leave you clean and whole and pure, and just as you really are, and not at all like what those horrible awful people did to you.  You were only an innocent child.

Welcome!  And I am so glad you found this place. We will mourn with you and we will understand your pain and how unfair it was for that to be done to you.  You did not deserve that. And we KNOW that.

I have only been to London but I definitely enjoyed it.  I lived in Lausanne Switzerland for 3.5 years and had opportunity to visit many parts of France, Germany, Austria, Italy and Spain. I was 11 when my family moved there, and I was 15 when we moved back to the US.  I am almost 58 now, but I will never forget what I saw.

Hi Kubali, I am not from England but I have been there and also lived in Europe for 3.5 years.

Seasaw - Your story spoke volumes to me.  And you are so articulate and able to be mindful. You are able to observe yourself feeling these feelings your cousin provokes inside of you. That's huge!  Really awesome.  What a long way you have come.

I don't have much advice, being on the road of learning myself, but my experience with people like this is that there isn't really anything you can do. They make choices.  Everybody in the world, no matter how rich or how poor, has difficulties and hard things to overcome. But how you choose to do it, is a defining character moment.  Your cousin is totally unaware of your struggles correct?  But you too have faced the adversity of having CPTD head on and have chosen  to handle it with grace. Your cousin has the same choice in her own adversity.

I do disagree that your cousin does not know what she is doing when she goes from 0 to 60 in one sentence.  She is trying to make somebody take on and share the responsibility for her life. She is trying to guilt or manipulate somebody into taking up the slack. And I am sorry if this is offensive but your cousin does not sound like a healthy, or mature  person  who is good for you to be around or have in your life. She's admitted that you, that she wants somebody to take over.  Believe her.

I've lived with somebody like this, a roommate recently and I have no answers.  We parted ways, I said "you're triggering me I can't live like this, it's time for you to find your own place."  I would spend my whole evening coming up with solutions to her problems.  She would spend her whole evening arguing why none of my solutions would work. And I am a positive creative person.  Finally I just had to say to myself about her, "Fine if you want to be unhappy and miserable, then go do it with my blessing.  But not here."

As for your cousin, maybe just set come boundaries with her.  Tell her you understand her life is hard. But outline what you personally are able to do and not able to do and that is all you can do. And that her behavior is making you doubt that you can fulfill what you committed to do for her. The two more weeks. Tell her how you feel when she screams and is angry.  Tell her that you want to help her as best you can, but most of what's wrong?  You can't help with and don't have a solution for.  Suggest counseling for her, or family therapy. Tell her you are not qualified. Tell you nderstand life is tough,  but her behavior is causing you to doubt you can finish the next 2 weeks. Because it is upsetting you to be around it and listen to it.

I don't know. And you don't really have enough time to do what I did, but when I laid down the law with my roommate? She escalated her behavior for about 2 weeks and after I held firm?  She changed.  And started really trying to stop drinking so much around me and went to her room when she wanted to trip out on pills and booze combined.

But rest assured your cousin is trying to manipulate you.  If only to get some relief from the demons in her own head.  Don't accept it.  It is not your responsibility. I know that wasn't very helpful but I am in baby steps myself with recovery.  But I know I must set boundaries and I am equally entitled to the air in the room.

MaggieMayCat - Thanks so much for posting this!  I love this website, and I had never heard of it before.  It is awesome and so helpful for those who are on the healing journey.  Thank you!

liygr - Oh I so totally get it.  I am not feeling all that well myself right now. My experience is that when my relationships in the present go to  pieces, that is when my thoughts turn downward and depression and bad thoughts start.

Things I do that help. Absolutely even if you are completely against it, anti depressants help.  I am totally against them but started back up a week ago in desperation for some relief from the pain.  I got it.  I am able to think more clearly and the pain is drastically reduced.  I also am seeing a therapist.  This has been of tremendous benefit to have SOMEBODY on my side who validates me and gets me and who wants to support me and help me. 

Also I Journal A LOT. Too much probably, but talking to myself and putting my thoughts and feelings on paper and looking actively looking for solutions helps.  Also I used to watch John Gray videos and read his books.  He is a relationship coach who wrote Men Are From Mars.  I enjoyed very much learning about "normal" people's problems and how to relate. Very helpful to see something new and different where hope of resolution was actually a possibility.  Usually in our current relationships we have chosen people who in some way remind us of the past and we are acting in a futile play that will not ever resolve the way we want it to. 

So those are my ways of coping when I hit the rock bottom.  I hope you find something that is helpful and I am so sorry you are going through this.  But we are here, and we have all been there.  We know what it is like.

SMG - There are actually a lot of other problems you can have with roommates that can trigger you , besides, narcissism and bullying.  My room mate is an alcoholic and when she goes into her own little world it is very triggering as she is loud, obnoxious, talks on and on, tells the same stories over and over and is unaware of personal space, crosses boundaries left and right. So long story short  she was asked to move out in the kindest way possible but I was very firm.  And this was a friend.  I did not know her problems were this bad before we moved in together.

So having said that and having been through it myself, here are some other things I think could help.  You could ask for references, and follow up on those. and you could ask for family contacts as well. You could also make the lease very short, like 3 months or 6 months, so that if there is a problem you can gracefully part ways. I did not see the full extent of my roommate's problems until about 3 months in.  At first she was on good behavior. So keep the lease short. Another thing that might help is a job.  My roommate does not work and neither do I so we were in each other's hair all of the time.  If a person is on a different shift, that could work out great. Less time together awake. Anyway I would not advise taking anyone who does not work.  You need to be very firm about house rules up front in advance, like drugs, loud music, loud talking, etc. We had problems with that for sure!

Anyway I hope that helps a little. I would not wish what I went through on anyone.  Though I have to say that after I got my courage up to lovingly confront her?  She escalated and was angry for about 2 more weeks, but then calmed down and has totally turned her focus onto her own life and getting her own place, and I am so happy for her.  And she tries very hard not to trigger me anymore.

C - Thank you for that analogy, "Cruelty wrapped in shiny paper."  The thing is I truly do not remember her treating me this way until I went NC with my Ndad, who is the source of my CPTSD.  This is new behavior and it is almost impossible for me to comprehend that my baby sister could be so cruel.  I've been thinking lately how starved her Inner Child must be for any kind of love, compassion and empathy. She must be starving to death and has to scream this cruel litany to drown out the cries of her own poor little girl.

Phoebes - Thank you for the validation.  I am having to make some very serious decisions regarding this and I do not want to make a mistake.  I may very well have to go NC with her.  I don't want to, but if she won't stop doing this I may have to. So I appreciate and thank you for your validation.

SC:  Thank you So Much for your empathy and understanding.  Yes, I would like see your Wordpad list of responses, please do send them to me via PM and thanks you!  I do appreciate the time and effort you put into that.  Like I told C.  My sister must be drowning out the screams of her own Inner Child.  To speak so to me, she must have to speak very loudly to try to shut up her own Inner hurt and wounded Child. I feel a lot of compassion for her, but I cannot put with this treatment and the flashbacks it is causing me.  I have asked her to come to counseling and answer these questions:

What are you so angry with me about?
Is it fair to be angry with me about that?
If it is fair, what do I need to do differently?
If it is not fair, who do you need to be angry with?
What do you need to do differently?

I hope she comes and I hope she is willing to be honest. If she can't we will to be either LC or NC.
That makes me very sad. I love my baby sister.

Dear All, I have recently been diagnosed with CPTSD.  I have been so stunned I haven't been able to post much.  I've mainly been sharing the news with friends and family and hoping finally!  Everyone will believe me!  I really was abused and treated so badly I was warped for life!  Most people have been very compassionate about it.  But one person has been incredibly cruel, and I couldn't even write about it until today. It is my sister. We've friends for many years. 

Some of these responses were in answer to my invitation to sit down with my therapist and I and discuss things.  I need some validation, I'll be honest.  I am shameless today.  I need some support.  So I am going to list some of the things she has said on our email exchange and I need to know if you would be hurt by these or am I overreacting?

Extractions From Our Emails

Me:  I have CPTSD which I feel validates that I have been abused by dad.  Now maybe you will understand why I am NC.

She: I am saddened and disappointed that you let him have so much power over you and your emotions. Sad that you can't love yourself enough at this point in your adult life to brush off any * that he might have tried to dump on you.

She: But you are you and I am me and....that's why you are in therapy. We just approach and react to things differently. You seem to think I'm going to just crack up at some point like you have

She: I have chosen as an adult, to maintain a relationship with both of my parents because I care about them

Me:  Will you come to counseling with me?  I think I need my therapist's help explaining this to you.

She: Do you think I'm going to just jump your * if you ask me for something or tell me you need something? That makes me really sad and tells me how desperately important it is for you to be getting this help if you are at that point. I do need to tell you (which I would think you would know this) but that would have made me super uncomfortable and WOULD have felt like an ambush. I don't know....some kind of weird intervention, yucky, ick factor situation.

Me: I misunderstood a story but my therapist said it didn't matter because if dad saw me as competition for his father's love, he still did resent me.

She:Making up stuff is very important because if you are not functioning from truth but rather your own interpretation or version of truth is, you are not working with real data...so the outcome or treatment cannot be accurate. If you told your therapist that your dad said he didn't love you, resented you and was jealous of you but it was really his dad that he had said those things about....that detail matters quite a lot.

Me: CPTSD is caused by child abuse when a person is helpless. It was caused by dad.

She:  I really hope that you will also explore with your therapist in just as much depth and detail as you are focusing on your family dynamics how your boyfriend has brutalized and traumatized you emotionally for such a long time. Just my opinion but that has had just as much impact on your past and current emotional state as any Dad issues

Me:  I am just not feeling any empathy or compassion, so I am sending you a fantasy response.

She:  When I read your fantasy email, my immediate reaction was: WOW seriously, I have said almost ALL of those things to her IN MY OWN WAY AND IN MY OWN WORDS, in both phone conversations and emails.But because I did not say them in exactly the way that she wanted, using all her newly learned little phrases and terminology ....I didn't mean them or wasn't serious/sincere enough and it wasn't good enough for her. It seems that whatever support or encouragement I try to offer, it is just never good enough or satisfying enough to her. I will not be trained like a circus seal to give the "right response". You know what....f**k it, I'm done.

Me:  I just don't feel like you are being respectful to me.

She:  How do you think that makes ME feel to have you constantly telling me those things and basically implying that I am just a mean, *, sadistic person???

Me:  I just need you to make some small changes and treat me with respect.

She:  You are the ONLY person in my entire circle of friends and family that tells me you feel that way about me and that I need to change myself fairly dramatically in order to get along with you....I have to think that it's not all me and perhaps your perceptions are the major thing at play here.

Me:  Here's some things that trigger me: being yelled at, angry voices and angry faces, being destructively criticized, being judged, being told what I "should" do, screaming and loud voices, even if it is not directed at me, feeling like I am being left and abandoned, being mocked,  sometimes sarcasm if it is directed at me, monologing, being treated disrespectfully, seeing children being mistreated, being treated like I don't matter, sly deceitful attacks, being unexpectedly cornered and verbally attacked.

She: I read your long list of "triggers" and thought, I'll do at least half of the things on that list at some point in time. I won't mean to and won't do things with intent to hurt, but it will happen. Because of my PERSONALITY and who I am. I cannot change my fundamental sense of self and being in order to make you feel safe and happy.

Me:  Whatever it is, I hope you get it worked out in your mind. I was just looking for empathy and compassion, but it feels like I mostly just got anger.  So, I am sorry you are so stressed out, and it is causing you to think so many things that are just not right. I hope you change your mind and want to come in and talk about it.

She:  So just saying...some of the things you complain about or take as a sign you weren't loved are what they are for a reason. And it is up to you to change it if you really want it to be different. Instead of just sitting around going whah, whah, whah...my daddy didn't love me enough. Granted you have to be in an adult frame of mind to do that and I think you are in a different place

This last one sent such pain ripping through my heart I had to go start back up on my antidepressants that I been quit of for a year.  But it was either that or try to find a doctor make a house call and sedate me.

After this last message, now I am being Hoovered, but I am not biting. I think she knows she went too far. But I am insisting she come sit down with my therapist and I to discuss our issues. Would these things have hurt any of you? Sent you into flashbacks?  Because I've been in flash back for 2 weeks as this has been ongoing for 2 weeks.

Am I over reacting?

Milarepa - Thanks for the book recommendation! Wow! I bought it immediately after I read your post, and feel like light bulbs are flashing all around me!  It's amazing! THIS explains so many weird feelings I have with people!  My son, my roommate, my Ndad, a couple of old bosses.  YES!

They construct you from the outside in!  Instead of asking you who and what you are, they make you up, and start trying to dictate how you feel, and who you are. I'm only a few chapters in and I am just amazed!  Thank you!