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Much of the time I cannot verbalize my feelings. However, I have a large "library" of music and a song for practically any "occasion." It seem like I'm most in touch with my feelings when listening to music. Sometimes I wish when someone asks me how I'm feeling I could just say a song title or lyric- "It's not dark yet but it's getting there." "I wish I was the Warrior King." "I was in the house when the house burned down." "He's just an excitable boy." This would be an exercise in futility unless someone knew the same (sometimes obscure) songs I do.

I'm struggling to write a semi-autobiographical novel (titled, of course, Songs for All Occasions. In one scene the main character goes through an entire therapy session speaking only in song lyrics.

I guess vicarious expression of feelings isn't the best way to feel/communicate, but it is feeling and communicating nonetheless.

As for today, right now, coming through my headphones: "Mother did it (The Wall) need to be so high?" Pink Floyd The Wall album.

I saw a neuro-psychologist today and he presented options for dealing with/overcoming anxiety resulting from my PTSD.
One was "emotional freedom therapy," (EFT), which consists of tapping the body on certain meridian points-like acupuncture/pressure. There are several books on this and he said a therapist in his practice teaches it.  A Psychology Today article claimed it is one of the most effective treatments for PTSD. There are books and videos that purport to teach this technique as well.
Another was Low-level laser/light therapy (LLLT). Several websites claim it is very effective in dealing with anxiety and depression.
Has anyone had experience with either of these, or with regular acupuncture? How effective/ineffective was it?

I met with my therapist today and we spoke at length about my inner critic. As a child I've absorbed messages from my parents and school bullies that I have internalized. These days I often respond to others as though they are repeating these negative messages. Sometimes they really are, but other times I'm viewing what they say through the prism of my inner critic- the one who says I am  ugly, mentally and socially defective, and who tells me the world is never a safe place and I can never let my guard down.

I'm reading about the inner critic in Pete Walker's book. My therapist says getting through to the inner critic can take a long time. How many of you have managed to alter/negate the inner critic? How long did it take-or is it ever really silenced?

*****Possible triggers???*****

I didn't see this listed under causes of CPTSD on this forum, unless it comes under "general," but I see nobody has posted there since September.

Part of my CPTSD stems from being born with a cleft lip/palate and having numerous surgeries from near birth to my mid-teens. Anticipatory fear and the physical pain aftermath made for chronic traumatic experience. Especially the time the anesthesia didn't work right. I could not move or speak or feel pain, but I felt pressure on my face, the sounds of the instruments, and the things the surgeon and nurses were saying.

Having cleft-lip/palate also led to severe bullying in school, as children mocked my physical appearance and my speech impediment, as well as teasing me for having to leave class for speech therapy through sixth grade. It was so pervasive and yet when I complained my teachers said I was being overly-sensitive and "letting normal teasing get out of hand."

So I learned to stuff my anger and internalized the kids' criticism. After years of bullying I wanted to tell them, "You can stop now! I can beat myself up, thank you very much!"

To this day I earnestly, viscerally, believe that I am ugly and broken and "not a part of the human race." I'd like to be, and I can intellectually tell myself the kids were wrong and I don't have to feel this way anymore, but my self-image is unshakably negative-impervious to any and all rational efforts to budge it. Quite a few things have happened in my adult life that have actually served to confirm my negative self-image. But I know some of this comes from being self-conscious and emotional flashbacks.

One time when I picked up my wife (now ex-wife) from the dating service where she worked, I was asked to move from the lobby to a back room because they didn't want women coming into the lobby and thinking they might get matched to someone who looked like me (this was overtly stated-not a misinterpretation by me). Last Tuesday my car was in the shop. After two hours of waiting the service manager insisted I take a loaner car and come back when the car was done. He said, "because you have been inconvenienced enough." What I heard was, "We don't want someone who looks like you sitting in our waiting area all day." Of course what I "heard" was nonsense, but such is life in emotional flashback land.

Meditation, reading about self-esteem, therapy, medication, affirmations, etc... all roll off my self-image like water on a duck's back.

Have any of you made the journey from self-loathing to self-acceptance? If so, how did you do it?

Lou Reed had a song by this title which speaks to my feelings today. The lyrics speak of "power omnipresent/undiminished uncontrolled/with a massive violent fury/at the center of my soul." I feel this rage but will not act on it, so it brews and festers inside.

What options are there between physical raging and just letting it fester inside? I sound like a madman when I verbally rage. I'm sure if I was in my right mind I could think of something- but I'm not.

Yes, my inner critic tells me that as a result of being born with a cleft lip and palate that I am ugly. Outer critics have confirmed this. Constant bully when I was a child confirmed this. Kids pushing their noses in, calling me "Pugnose," and mocking my speech impediment told me I was not like other kids, and was not "one of them." As a teacher, I had numerous students bully me in the same way. One sincerely asked if I had been a boxer. Another asked me, "Why do you talk so funny?"

When I was married to a woman who worked at a dating service I was in the lobby waiting for her to finish her shift. She came out and asked me to one of the back rooms because "the manager doesn't want women coming in and thinking you are someone they might be matched with."

Others tell me I look "normal" or okay and say I'm overly sensitive to my appearance. I'd like to believe them, but I can't.

I think I'll skip ahead in the book to the inner critic chapter, but I'm afraid my inner critic is not only stubborn- it's correct.

Throughout my life I have been engaged in the all-or-nothing thinking Walker's book. People fit in two categories for me- those who reject me because I'm ugly and socially inept, and those who feel sorry for me. My therapist says to perceive compassion, but I viscerally feel pitied.

You know the saying, "It's better to be feared than loved?" My inner critic has an unshakable motto of its own- "Its better to be despised than pitied." I get angry when people make fun of me and/or reject me, but I really can't stand it when people feel sorry for me. I don't want to be this way, feel this way, but talk therapy and journaling and positive affirmations have been futile. The best affirmation I could come up with in an affirmation-writing session at a Day Hospital program in a mental hospital was, "Maybe I'm not quite as bad as I think I am."

How have some of you dealt with an inner critic that seems impervious to change?

I've read Pete Walker's book and I am in therapy. I've acknowledged much of the emotional and physical trauma from my childhood and adolescence, as well as my adulthood. I am nowhere near processing it and getting free of the physical (brain) and emotional effects. Doing a life survey I found that nowhere along the path of my life have I seen a place where it is safe to say what I truly think and feel, other than in a therapist's office.

Expressing sadness, despair, or anger is no more "allowed" in my current 20-year marriage than it was during the creation of my C-PTSD. I know I won't divorce, so I wonder what's the point of confronting my painful past and making the journey through it when I've recreated my past in my present?

My wife has been very supportive as I've had to go on disability retirement at age 53. In many ways she has been a tower of strength. I know that some of the problems I experience with her are instances of me over-reacting/being overly sensitive, but there are consistent situations that are really emotionally unsafe for me.  I can see how she feels unequipped to handle the symptoms of my Bipolar II and C-PTSD and that most of the time she does her best. Still, she has her own issues from childhood and often rejects/opposes me expressing my difficulties or standing up for myself. I think she is used to us having a mother-child relationship in a way, And her mother was an exemplar of dysfunctional/cruel parenting.

I am generally conflict-aversive and usually retreat to freeze or fawn when conflicts with my wife arise, although I do resort to fight (verbal) at times, but I seem to over-react when I do so. My verbal fight is almost always followed by my profusely apologizing and fawning/groveling to get back in her good graces- just as I did in childhood.

I have so much anger and rage inside me from swallowing my feelings all my life that I am afraid to even consider letting it loose.

Is the battle to come to grips with C-PTSD going to be worth it if this is what I have to look forward to? My psychiatrist says to look for a safe relationship elsewhere (not cheating- but finding a safe meditation group, friends, etc...)

Any thought on this?

Last night my wife spilled her dinner (hot soup) on herself and started crying. I found myself in a freeze then fawn reaction- a 53-year old man now the seven year old watching his mom sob as she told numerous horror stories of her own childhood. I felt so helpless then that I could not "fix" my mom no matter how much I tried to comfort her. My reaction to the present situation was excessive, even though it was natural to want my wife to feel better. It wasn't natural (I believe) to feel guilty that she was suffering and to fawn over her as a result of that feeling.

Am I correctly identifying an emotional flashback?

Hello! I just wanted to dip my toe in the pool to get started. I've been working with therapists and psychologists since 1992. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar II, OCD, Social Anxiety, and Generalized Anxiety. This past Wednesday my anxiety diagnosis was changed to C-PTSD. This did not surprise me as I've been reading Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving and have found something to highlight on nearly every page. My C-PTSD stems from a chaotic childhood marked by a mentally ill parent, severe bullying at school, and medical trauma. I've also experienced numerous chronic traumatic situations throughout my adult life- basically making choices that recreated my childhood traumas.

I'm looking forward to having a safe place to share my experiences and learn from others. I found myself oversharing on Facebook and believe this will be a more appropriate outlet.