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I agree- I was crying tears of joy and solace at Kizzie's kind words. I don't think I've ever received such comforting words in all my 53 years!!!

Good luck next week- I hope you keep us posted, if you feel up to it

Here it is:

I hope that today you know I and others from OOTS are with you in spirit, holding your hand, sitting beside you with an arm around your shoulders, and telling you we care as you confront the trauma that has kept you from living as fully as you can for so long. You are not as alone as you once were with the pain.  We are there for you, and most importantly you are there for yourself now. 

Sending much care and support,

Kizzie

You have already left, so I might be too late.

Congratulations on your courage!!! I'm facing something slightly similar. I'm dreading but looking forward to my next therapist appointment. I've been "stuffing myself with as much self-help" knowledge as I can, but I'm getting more support from this community.

I too am hyper-vigilant and my inner critic loves to remind me that "just because you are paranoid doesn't mean someone's not out to get you!"

Is there anything you've seen in this community that you could print out and take with you, and pull it out and read it when you feel the need?

Kizzie posted something for me- I'll see if I can find it and report it.

I can relate. Please be assured you are welcome here and I appreciate you sharing and receiving support.

I apologize so much of the time. I've even found myself telling my wife, "I'm sorry it's raining," when I drove her to work the other day- as if the rain were my fault!!!!

Three Roses- I love that song, but I haven't heard it in ages!!!

I also find some comfort in their post Roger Waters song, "Learning to Fly"-
"A soul in tension that's learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I"

Presently listening to Bob Dylan cover the Grateful Dead's "Alabama Getaway" and "Friend of the Devil" is next

I had an emotional flashback shortly before going to bed last night. Then I awoke in a panic at 4:30 and didn't get back to sleep. I knew it would be better to get up and do something but I was frozen again.

I hope you get relief from getting/being frozen soon!

BrokenMind- I can relate to much of what you wrote, and I've been in therapy and on medication for over 20 years. I started EFT Tapping therapy with a new counselor two weeks ago. I actually feel worse because I'm getting to the root of things, and it feels like when my leg falls asleep and wakes up- very tingling and painful.

I suppose it has to sometimes get worse to get better. If that is true, then as bad as I feel now I should be finding relief sometime soon.

One thing that has really helped is my EFT therapist encouraging me to write my own tapping scripts and suggesting that when feelings overwhelm me and I go non-verbal that I just tap the meridians without speaking.

Thank you Three Roses.

Lyric to describe me now is: "You know I will be loosened from the bonds that hold me back," from "This Is the Sea" by The Waterboys.

balovesyou- I'm sorry to hear of your rough experiences getting help and healthcare now being out of reach. Perhaps others here will have suggestions as to how to get help given your situation.

Much of the time I cannot verbalize my feelings. However, I have a large "library" of music and a song for practically any "occasion." It seem like I'm most in touch with my feelings when listening to music. Sometimes I wish when someone asks me how I'm feeling I could just say a song title or lyric- "It's not dark yet but it's getting there." "I wish I was the Warrior King." "I was in the house when the house burned down." "He's just an excitable boy." This would be an exercise in futility unless someone knew the same (sometimes obscure) songs I do.

I'm struggling to write a semi-autobiographical novel (titled, of course, Songs for All Occasions. In one scene the main character goes through an entire therapy session speaking only in song lyrics.

I guess vicarious expression of feelings isn't the best way to feel/communicate, but it is feeling and communicating nonetheless.

As for today, right now, coming through my headphones: "Mother did it (The Wall) need to be so high?" Pink Floyd The Wall album.

I get frozen, also. I actually get physical frozen in space- unable to move. I've never considered if it is an emotional flashback triggered by something that just happened. I'll try to be aware next time.

Welcome to the group- I've found this community to be extremely supportive and so many people relate to our experiences!

Candid- I'm glad there is a ray of hope! I started with a new therapist two weeks ago after working with several since 1992. These two weeks have been the most productive.

I hope it works out well for you!!!

Good for you, Dee. I'm glad you made the decision that you believe is right for you. And like Wife#2 wrote, such a decision is exhausting.

I've made a decision to speak some unspeakable truths to my therapist next week- I am looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. I have to let the secrets out but I wonder if I can say the words. I'll probably be checking in on these forums before I go, looking for support and strength.

I'm exhausted just from deciding to decide to talk about it!