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Jdog, when my thoughts come swirling around to disturb my calm (which happens more often than not) taking the healing steps to get OUTSIDE and be present in the wonder-filled, uncomplicated world that exists in Nature ups the odds that I can ride out the emotional episode with reduced ramifications! What a great gift on your run to be blessed with seeing the magnificent bird! Last night on my walk to take out the garbage, I was enjoying the evening breeze that was finally lowering the days high temperatures when I heard someone playing bagpipes near the river! (it was soft enough to just be way cool and complement the quiet of the end of a day) I then heard a very cheeky loud little chipmunk and so I will totally agree that you are spot on  when you say that "Nature Heals"

Hello and welcome Kalmer,
I do not post often, however I do visit when I feel that I am backsliding on my self-care. I have always found comfort just reading posts from others who "get it".  Lots of encouragement, sage advice and no judgments! OOTS is truly a good, safe place to help navigate the murky waters of cptsd.   

Phoebes and Deep Blue,
I am right there with you on feeling frustrated with the comments people say after a someone decides to be the determining factor in regards to how long they want to be alive on their journey. I think for many (most?) people, suicide is never "on the table", for others...well it is. Sometimes, (to me), all of the judgmental comments that happen after a suicide is in the news, make me even more convinced that reaching out when the darkness is enveloping me is not an option.
I am thankful for this forum, where judgmental conversation is non-existent, and compassion and understanding is abundantly available. There have been many times that I have been unable to articulate my feelings of hopelessness, and just reading other posts from caring people who "get it" have helped me to make it to another day.
Sending  to all.

oh yes Rainagain,
I drive myself friggin nuts at times with similar things happening to me.  I suspect it is a major symptom of being told (by many of my abusers) that what I "thought" happened, didn't, or if it did I totally blew it out of proportion, and so I developed a total lack of trust in my own thoughts as I attempted to process the abuse. As time goes on, I seem to have more actual actions that I do not recall doing, rather than just the far-away look in my eyes that happen when I disappear for a moment or two. Practicing mindfulness helps (just a tiny bit) especially when I am working through sorting out my emotions on a situation or person.  I now try and accept that it takes 2 maybe even 3 times to "make sure" that I locked the door, or the toilet got flushed...and (well you get the picture). Try to be kind (no judgements!) with yourself. I am most certainly my own worst enemy.  It sounds like you are a competent person, and know what needs to be done, even if you don't remember doing it. 

  SB,
I participated in group and individual sessions for one year at a DBT Institute. I had never been in a group, however it was super helpful to Be accountable to the weeks "homework" and yes I had homework and if I "chose" not to do it, I was not judged, but was asked to figure out why I chose not to. Sorting through if I am using my "emotion mind" "reasonable mind"  or "wise mind" was/is helpful especially when I get triggered (that is of course if I decide to or not) Using a white/chalk board to see how I got from point A to point B (behavior such as self harm, or other that is detrimental to my well being) was always good (and yet bad?) to see where I could of utilized one of the DBT skills. Nothing like looking at it in black and white.
Unfortunately it is always my decision, which due to the CPTSD plus ADHD I am a runaway train at times.
I am now seeing a therapist who uses DBT, and is a Buddhist, (he was a teacher at the institute)
I found DBT to be helpful with ALL of the stuff that I have been toting around for far too long. It (the group) does not address the specifics of your trauma, however your individual therapist can and all the tools I learned were/are helpful. It's kind of weird that I checked this this site today as I have been on a super bad/negative/everyone would be better off without me/I am weary mental place.
I guess I should get out my notebook and look at where I was and how far I have come.
Good luck. Oh and if you haven't heard of her Brene Brown is a "guru" to the therapists (and patients) who use DBT.

Welcome Enya (love the name),
I do not post often but find it is extremely comforting to have such an understanding, loving, safe community 24/7 when it seems there is no place for me to be. My episodes of self-destruct due to my negative gremlin who likes to sit on my shoulder to remind me of my unworthiness always happen when my very small support group needs to sleep. I also have childhood & adult trauma, always figuring that the adult trauma was totally due to my own gullibility in the relationships. My rock star Psy Nurse told me when I shared that thought with her, was that I wasn't "gullible" but rather from a very young age had no example of what having safe boundaries was like.
This forum is awesome and I just checked out the "store" on the site. There are great book suggestions and a couple of way cool t-shirts!
Nice.
I have been on a healing journey for quite some time, and just when I think I'm doing ok...wham bam a trigger happens and all of my tools to help me to deal with it disappear! I find I make myself VERY WORN OUT with the whole process of dealing with me. 
I shared this song in the music area of this forum. I listen to it whenever that annoying Gremlin of mine starts whispering it's negative nothings into my ears.
The song: This Is Me (should of won Best Song at the Oscars IMHO)
"I am brave. I am bruised. I am who I'm Meant to be, This is Me!"

https://youtu.be/wEJd2RyGm8Q
"We are Warriors!"

hello quietdespair,
For me, it is so difficult to deal with all of the *stuff* that sometimes comes hurling at me. The saying "life only gives us what we can deal with" (or something along that thought) makes me want to scream back into the "seriously???* universe chasm!!" I have had SI on the table as an option since I can remember. Like you and so many of us, not using that as a solution because of our loved ones, or pets, or sense of obligation to work...(the list is so varied), I have discovered that when I FINALLY decide that I am strong enough, worthy enough, and love mySELF enough to finish this chapter of my journey, well that will be just totally awesome. I am not quite there yet. In the meantime though, may the love we have for the other souls in our lives help to carry us through the days until there is more sunshine than rain. Sending you courageous, heart filled thoughts.

Someone who manipulates beyond belief and will still control me for even when I've made that move, will manage to turn my children against me, but still I have to do it.

Dear Eyessoblue, Yes it will be difficult...in so many ways, and yes your children might turn against you. That being said, try and remember that during the middle of all that you will need to go through, you will be be showing your children just how brave you are and also (this is really really important) that NO ONE absolutely NO ONE should stay in any type of situation that is harmful to their soul and well-being. You are worthy of kindness from friends, co-workers, strangers and especially yourSELF! What a wonderful gift for them to witness and see. Thank goodness for this forum  that you can reach out to 24/7!  It is your time shine.  p.s. I play this song~hopefully before I feel too low to want to uplift my mood~ and (at least for me) it really helps me to feel brave enough to do each day what I need and want to do. https://youtu.be/CjxugyZCfuw

thank you jamesG.1 for the awesome intro to Prince Ea! 

Dee,
I come to this forum when I feel so utterly alone with my thoughts and feel so very tired of being me. I found a random penny today which always seems to push me away from my desire to want to work through my emotions and be kind to myself and not re-live the trauma(s) My father has also passed away and I have NEVER told anyone that I felt his dark energy surrounding/suffocating me. The penny represents something he told me before he died, and that was whenever I found one (on the ground or wherever) it would be to remind me that he would be watching me.  How's that for a parting farewell? Anyway I don't know where I was going with this post other than YES it does make the "penny reaction" not feel like I am totally crazy after reading your post. Thank you for sharing. For what it's worth, my crying has stopped (for now) and the "I am a mistake" thoughts are not quite as intense. I still will need the extra blankets tonight if I want to get some restful sleep.

this_evening_so_soon  I too have questioned myself wondering WHY I keep finding myself in situations that are not at all in my soul's best interest. When speaking with my psychiatric nurse (who is an absolute genius with meds AND an extremely wise and kind healer) Anyway I described to her how I always seemed to be too "gullible" in practically any sort of relationship.  Which of course often has lead to adding yet another trauma on the "trauma-keeper-score-card" of my life.  She said that she did not feel that gullible was a accurate description of me especially since due to the CSA beginning at an early age within my "safe??" FOO, I never experienced what it was like to have boundaries with others. I am a work in progress to be sure and am so grateful for this forum to connect with others who truly understand and offer encouragement to remember to treat ourselves with love and compassion.   

Hello All,
Music is my "go to" when my soul needs soothing and I am sinking in the "feeling bad because I AM feeling bad syndrome".
This song performed by Keala Settle is from the movie "the Greatest Showman" and it's powerful lyrics performed with Keala's emotional Ka-Wow has worked to help push my reset button when life, the triggers, the shame has worn me down and I need some inspiration to continue the journey:
THIS IS ME: https://youtu.be/CjxugyZCfuw   

"it's not easy being me"     (a phrase that I have adopted from a Third Eye Blind song)

Hello...I guess the "startle response" is just one of those characteristics that sometimes manifests with CPTSD? With the intent of being kind to my SELF I actually find some of my quirky? mannerisms quite amusing. A (to me at least) extremely funny British comedian (Catherine Tate) demonstrates her "startle response" in a short clip. She has shared that her mother, in real life, is the inspiration for the character.
https://youtu.be/oER9xKbD2T8

Hello movementforthebetter,
I feel very lucky to have happened upon a Psy Nurse who is a guru with her knowledge of meds and of the diagnosis(s) that might benefit from using the right one(s). I was diagnosed as bi-polar so very long ago, and it was my psy nurse, who treated me while I was going twice a week to the DBT Institute that figured it out. She was shocked that no one had put two and two together that I was ADHD with CPTSD. It was that "oh I get it" moment  that is helping me to understand my rocket fast reactions to triggers. I have learned and know and WANT to apply healthy ways to deal with a lifetime of different traumas, however the learning curve is a bit steep considering how quickly my "emotion mind" throws me into a abyss. Being gentle with ourselves (warts and all) and learning to work with what we have is a huge beginning on the road to "creating a life worth living" (DBT)  Learning about ADHD which in turn is helping me to understand why I do the things I do makes the journey a teeny bit easier. The proper diagnosis (whatever it may be) is like having google maps to help figure out how to get from here to there. 
But hey~what do I know~I came to this forum today only after I had thrown my sense of self into the toilet/self harmed/ and felt with every cell in my body that I was a mistake. I am feeling better now, and it is only "after the storm" that I am glad to be alive. I do wear myself out though!! I am so grateful for this "safe space" to have heart-filled fellow humans who seem to truly understand just how tough some days can be to sound off with.
You/we are not alone.
Love to all
the mirliton

Hello Healing Finally and everyone else. I just came from my weekly session with my trauma "coach" I was getting all worked up before going because I had relapsed a couple of times and was totally giving myself a thorough * kicking for not using the tools that I have been given to work through a trigger. I can recognize when, how and what triggers me...I just don't want to acknowledge and recognize it as being justified. I want it (the whole ginormous mess of feelings) to disappear. Wishing, hoping and stuffing does not work     Validating why I am feeling a reaction to the trigger is the first step towards working through it~lessoning the shame, negativity and fear that I am so totally used to feeling.(main topic at tonights session) I am a quick draw mcgraw with how quickly I can react to situations and look forward to the day when I slow down enough to respect and VALIDATE my feelings.  I appreciate all the sharing and wisdom from this forum.