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Messages - anosognosia

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Step 7 (Apr 20 - 26) / Re: Reflections on Step 7 and the past week
« on: April 27, 2015, 06:36:02 PM »
I'm fairly certain that bits and pieces of my childhood that I've tucked away into the deepest corners of my memory will come out randomly and unpredictably as time goes on and as I have a greater sense of safety.

I'm fairly certain that most of the "big stuff" has come out and that I'm now convinced 80% of the time that I was abused emotionally and physically and that I was just trying to survive (instead of coming up with an excuse for my narents).

I'm looking forward to learning on how to let these grievious injuries and injustices go, and move on. I look forward to stepping into the present and into the future with a positive attitude and trusting and loving myself more as I accept but not suffer under my history of childhood abuse.

General Discussion / Re: Memories
« on: April 27, 2015, 11:46:37 AM »
Seems like the more I think about it the more I remember. It is fascinating.

That is some powerful headspace to be at!!!

So attachment to me, is the key issue for me.  If I do attach, it's wildly dysfunctional and outrageous.  THAT is what I'm currently afraid of in my current therapeutic relationship.  (Let me clarify, now that I KNOW I'm gay, I don't confuse the attachment with sexual desire, so it's not as confusing as it was before)

I have NO idea what a healthy, bonded relationship feels like.  I wouldn't recognize it if it was thrown right in my face.

Ana, I'm wondering if you think your relationship w your sons models out healthy attachment?  You love them, and yet you let them live their life as self confident individuals with lots of freedom and autonomy?  I don't know. 

I feel like I will need to re-visit the other steps, but moving along is important for me.

Definitely, you and me both.  I realised everytime I have a setback in life my therapeutic progress regresses to an earlier level and I have to pick myself up and reassemble myself again.  That process of rebuilding doesn't take as long as when I was initially figuring these newer steps out, but still, it's a process!

My main reason for getting active is a funny one.  My therapist is starting her own practice next week, and she doesn't have an office yet, so she will be making a home visit.  To my home.  So I am tearing around trying to clean up and bring my home back to its normal glory in advance of her visit next Friday.  It feels very strange to me to have her come here, but also good, like I will become more real to her if she sees where I live and how I live. It's an interesting experience. But a good one as I am house proud, as I remodeled and redesigned everything myself, so it is a part of me that is very important to me that she will be seeing. I am actually kind of looking forward to it. And kind of terrified at the same time!

Wow wow wow, home visits are so intimate. I don't know what I would do if my T visited my home. I would definitely do a grand sweep.

I gotta admit, although I've not lied to my T, I wonder if part of me holds something back from them.  Having them come to my home would expose me more.

I am so so so excited to move onto the next phase of the ASCA workbook. So much powerful emotions to work through.

General Discussion / Re: Memories
« on: April 26, 2015, 12:44:53 AM »
I saw some keys, so I picked them up and stuck it into an electric outlet.....that's about all I remember about that. Was later told the baby sitter had to knock me away from the wall with a broom. Guess I'm lucky to be alive.

My goodness! Yes definitely. I know someone who went into cardiac arrest when they did something similar as a kid.  Glad nothing serious happened!

I remember when I was 1 stealing a toy from a friend. That's about it. :)

Good to see that I had such joy. Hard to see that such a joyous child was squelched. I know I started hiding myself from my M at least by age 3, so I'm glad I have one of me before that.

It's so heartbreaking isn't it. Children have such a hopeful and joyous spirit, they are full of light. They deserve to shine. I honestly want to swear my guts out at people like narents for taking that light away from these innocent souls only to stuff it into the bottomless abyss of their own unhappy fragile egos.

Hi Everyone  :wave:

This week and next are going to be crazy busy for me workwise and we are moving so I expect I won't be posting much.  Just wanted to let you know I haven't dissappeared or anything.  ;D

Hope you all have a good couple of weeks  :hug:

Best of luck with work and life things, and I will miss you and your thoughtful comments till then!

My T told me to photocopy photos at different stages of childhood and write on them.

I've written on a lot of them, and took phrases from McKay's "Self Esteem" workbooks.

They are phrases such as:
"I love you. I'm glad you're a (gender). You're the only one like you in the world and I like the way you are. You're doing your very best right now. You don't have much power to change what is going on right now. You're acting normally for a kid your age. I'll help you figure out how to protect yourself. It's ok to cry. You're good at thinking for yourself. You're good at imagining things. I'll help you separate what's real from what's imaginary. You can ask for what you want. You are not to blame for your mom and dads problems. It's ok to ask me any question."

Whenever I feel emotional (in a primal hurt sort of way) it helps me feel grounded. 

Aw C that age is so precious. It sounds like you were quite the nature adventurer.

My photos I cherish are those when I was happy, and these moments are always when I'm with a friend's family or on a school trip.

I have one hanging on my wall of me and my best friend in Kindergarten when we were 4 or 5 and covered in facepaint.

I've had similar experiences C.
My narents tended to respect a fever or nosebleed (which I often got) - they are sensational enough to warrant staying home and being cared for.

Anything emotional though, I was considered "of weak constitution" and it was my own fault.


Well in any case, I'm having a hard time too finding other psychosomatic manifestations besides heart pounding and tummy aches.

I've been thinking about this during the week.  This is a bit of a tangent, but about the somatic symptoms during childhood.  I know now what my physical symptoms feel like.  But I really don't remember from my childhood.  I think I'd been trained to tune them out so well I didn't feel them at the time.  I remember mumbling, speaking softly and not making eye contact.  I remember my heart racing when I needed to make a speech, and blushing.  I remember my parents dismissing any feeling they didn't experience, no empathy.  That's about it.

C, did you have stomach upset at all? A lot of kids carry anxiety in their stomach, so they end up having belly aches all the time :(

This was certainly the case for me.

A Shetland pony! I loved those as a kid.

Thank you for sharing. That's a really really intimate testament.

I will PM you all, but I would ask the group how they feel about me not censoring my letter (ie some swearwords)?  If the forum rules still apply to PMs of course I will respect them and bleep them out.

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