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General Discussion / Re: Anxiety dreams

« on: June 05, 2017, 08:07:26 PM »

recent thing I do is to have a list ready for when I wake up. Write down the practical and productive things you have got underway and then go straight to them if that vibe is lingering. Bad dreams also seem a bit easier if you accept that they are likely, almost plan for them. It's a way of taking control I guess. Never easy tho. Hang in there, it's just your brain trying to sort things out for you. The brain is on your side, even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way

287

General Discussion / Re: Hello...

« on: May 31, 2017, 09:36:00 PM »

54 here, I get it, we all do

you'll get there

x

288

General Discussion / Re: Newbie

« on: May 31, 2017, 09:33:10 PM »

oh don't worry in here, we get it all right.

So glad you got out. The transition will be demanding, troubling and a challenge, but you'll win. Don't let him define you, he only got this far by feeding off your strength. Proud of you

x

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General Discussion / Re: Feeling like an alien- anyone else?

« on: May 31, 2017, 07:00:50 PM »

identifying with people outside of this is hard, totally get that.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Don't want to project:please answer

« on: May 31, 2017, 06:12:44 PM »

if in doubt, listen to this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UIzkN64NGg

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Feeling Alone

« on: May 31, 2017, 05:59:24 PM »

hang in there kiddoe, we are all with you.

x

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Innies and outies

« on: May 31, 2017, 05:57:10 PM »

Well, perception is everything, you can see how sometimes one wins over the other, tell yourself your inner critic is wrong, because it nearly always is. Only certain people will really go out of their way to criticise you, and it is nearly always family. Identify who's voice it is that is talking inside, pretty certain it won't be yours.
I make lots of lists, positives that underway, not the "I am a beautiful person' stuff, more practical skills and achievements, positive feedback. But the mindset we have is that positives do so much less than negatives, and that can be hard. I can get fanmail and it does nothing, I feel like a fraud because I know that somewhere, my brother is watching and deriding me and it gets in pretty deep. It's a phenomena, it's not real. Be as objective as you can, observe don't absorb.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Don't want to project:please answer

« on: May 31, 2017, 05:34:58 PM »

I totally understand. I've done exactly the same thing, again and again.

The jealous sister is a complete match I think, classic narc. I really don't think anyone here would ever want to feel they are behaving anything like the people who have abused them It's not the nature of any of us. It seems to me that the people in here only want to be kind and to feel kindness back, something they have been robbed of in their lives. The outer critic is strong. But it is wrong. Free of family abuse you can be whoever you want, and thrive however you want.

You are safe here, we all are.

x

294

General Discussion / Re: Reputation Repair

« on: May 31, 2017, 07:58:40 AM »

good for you. great stuff.

I never had to call my darling brother out in public because he was caught between his bad behaviour and the public failure to back up his claims regarding care of my mother. This was then compounded by his online behaviour over the last very political year and suddenly, a lot of people who had certainly doubted my narrative for the last 20 years, suddenly saw what he is capable of. Once that was out in the open and people started talking, people began to contact me and apologise for having been so mislead over the years. Having since spoken to his ex-wife it was clear just how powerful his manipulation of mine and others reputation had been. But that's what they do isn't it? I'm just angry with myself for ever letting any of that stuff under my skin. Wasted years.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: wake up stay up

« on: May 30, 2017, 06:12:13 PM »

well to some extent, the writing is the only thing that switches my head off.

Generally, I don't write about my experiences but I have made a point of putting narcissists in all of them. The lead villain is so my sibling. Having him killed off was a delight. At some point I want to write something specifically about narcissists, again a comedy, but still conveying the madness of these awful people. I want to illuminate them as much as I possibly can because the more people see the type, the less likely they are to fall for them. They can also be extremely funny when you are distant enough or looking back you can see snippets of the actual thought processes. My brother did a classic, I got him a substantial amount of work, somthing he was incapable of doing himself and of course this bruised his ego at the same time I helped him. So he comes at me saying I'm an a-hole etc and so I say, well if I am so bad, how comes I got you that work. The answer was, "you didn't get me that work, you just introduced me to someone who would have given me the work anyway.' Comedy gold.

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General Discussion / Re: Feeling like an alien- anyone else?

« on: May 29, 2017, 11:50:19 AM »

Personally, I am finding a very low dose (5mg) of Escitalopram really effective. That's if I don't touch alcohol tho. I can still wake with issues, like this morning, but I am much more likely to push forward and take action in my life. They increased concentration hugely.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / wake up stay up

« on: May 29, 2017, 04:58:26 AM »

mornings, blah.

Getting the pattern of waking up early and then laying here churning away like a dairy.

It's just that thought of what has been done to me, not anywhere near the scale that many of you have had I am sure, but it's the sense of being seen as so inconsequential that you can be left to have everything that constitutes a life just sandblasted away by their indifference and neglect. I did the right thing by my mother, I ran to catch an old woman who was sick, a woman who had chosen to support her raging narcissist son over a loving son for the last 20 years, and paid for it dearly. I've lost my home, my marriage, my business, what is laughingly called my family and my community. I've lost friends, time and health, and for what? I'm coming out of this with nothing but a better knowledge of psychology. C-PTSD is the pits, every day I'm discovering new ways it is affecting me, new scars they left me with. I'm very angry, anger now replacing the cowed, nervous wreck they'd made me become. My alcoholic ex was in touch yesterday, the same old condecending 'I can't be wrong' attitude present in the email despite the fact her hair is falling out and her health is ruined. I'm well overdue for yet another attack from my brother, I can usually sense when they are due. In military terminolgy they are what is known as jitter attacks, nuisance raids that are designed to nothing more than keep you on edge. It has the overall effect of just making me want to be left alone. 54, capable, creative, loving guy, sociable, giving, generous, and all I want is to stay in doors and be left alone. However, the one good thing that happepend in this period was that I wrote, and the writing is doing well on kindle. In the abscence of any other discernable life, I am pouring everything into it now. It's not dark or in any way about what has been done to me, its comedy, farcical dark comedy and people seem to like it. For now it will be my focus, that and dumping my freelance work and going full time, I need the stability. For me, the biggest frustration is how held back I've been, how my life has been parasitised by people who were happy to use me as a buffer between their own insecurities and the outside world. Once my freelance work is replaced and my business partner, the fourth of my four horsemen is gone, then I am free, and that chapter is over. But for now, the C-PTSD rages on.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Feels like giving up

« on: May 29, 2017, 04:39:52 AM »

hey you,

not on your own.

living is an obligation to yourself. Be defiant, the thing between you and life is the pressure from other people, people who didn't, couldn't or wouldn't understand you. Live past them.

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General Discussion / Re: tactics, tiredness, meds and booze

« on: May 26, 2017, 07:24:04 PM »

Not long. I didn't really understand what I'd been dealing with until about 6 months back.
Be good to yourself about the perception of others, I find that on the occasions that I forget it all, and there are some, my two perceptions of an event can be light years apart. You can only judge yourself by yourself so don't trust it too much. Keep telling youself that the brain has been trained to talk you down, it's not reality. Reality is that you are a good guy who has weatherd too much and is seeking better times ahead. That will be the start of the road there. Keep on keeping on.

300

General Discussion / Re: tactics, tiredness, meds and booze

« on: May 25, 2017, 09:08:42 PM »

Hey inthedark, heart goes out to you. Life has been unkind but now, with the truth about what you are facing, you can turn around and fight. I strongly suggest you check out the Spartan Life coach on youtube. He's in a class of his own and can help give you that fire in your belly like no one else can. Zanex is a tough drug, there are alternatives, I 've just gone on escitalopram and it's very good at levelling out the peaks and troughs. Be kind to yourself. This is not your fault. It is not your fault that you are reacting in ways that scare you, yours is a natural response and you must feel free to take the pressure off yourself a bit there. Don't beat yourself up on top of all the other abuse, it's time to respect yourself and give yourself the room to adjust slowly and carefully. Take your time. Every step, no matter how small, is a victory against your past. You have a future, we all do, it's there. Trust me.