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« on: May 29, 2017, 04:58:26 AM »
mornings, blah.
Getting the pattern of waking up early and then laying here churning away like a dairy.
It's just that thought of what has been done to me, not anywhere near the scale that many of you have had I am sure, but it's the sense of being seen as so inconsequential that you can be left to have everything that constitutes a life just sandblasted away by their indifference and neglect. I did the right thing by my mother, I ran to catch an old woman who was sick, a woman who had chosen to support her raging narcissist son over a loving son for the last 20 years, and paid for it dearly. I've lost my home, my marriage, my business, what is laughingly called my family and my community. I've lost friends, time and health, and for what? I'm coming out of this with nothing but a better knowledge of psychology. C-PTSD is the pits, every day I'm discovering new ways it is affecting me, new scars they left me with. I'm very angry, anger now replacing the cowed, nervous wreck they'd made me become. My alcoholic ex was in touch yesterday, the same old condecending 'I can't be wrong' attitude present in the email despite the fact her hair is falling out and her health is ruined. I'm well overdue for yet another attack from my brother, I can usually sense when they are due. In military terminolgy they are what is known as jitter attacks, nuisance raids that are designed to nothing more than keep you on edge. It has the overall effect of just making me want to be left alone. 54, capable, creative, loving guy, sociable, giving, generous, and all I want is to stay in doors and be left alone. However, the one good thing that happepend in this period was that I wrote, and the writing is doing well on kindle. In the abscence of any other discernable life, I am pouring everything into it now. It's not dark or in any way about what has been done to me, its comedy, farcical dark comedy and people seem to like it. For now it will be my focus, that and dumping my freelance work and going full time, I need the stability. For me, the biggest frustration is how held back I've been, how my life has been parasitised by people who were happy to use me as a buffer between their own insecurities and the outside world. Once my freelance work is replaced and my business partner, the fourth of my four horsemen is gone, then I am free, and that chapter is over. But for now, the C-PTSD rages on.