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Messages - JamesG

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General Discussion / CPTSD stage 4517/B
« on: November 18, 2017, 09:09:58 AM »
So, I'm working on this book about the brain. I knew it would be a tough one. To make it tougher than it needs to be, I have a client who is resentful of my biz partner, a biz partner who thinks that the burnout he's having isn't anything to do with him overbooking and an author who has supplied the worst image ref possible for a subject that is literally mind-boggling.

I blew my top last week to appeal for some logical working methods and yes, there were changes, but they lasted about 3 days before we drifted back to the default position. I made it very clear I was ill and that certain types of pressure, none of which should be present if we were running professionally, would cause me to become ill again. Well that didn't last.

I'm pretty angry right now because I can feel the relapse coming like a train and there is just no good reason for it. Not just that, but the editors, because they've taken on too much work, again, are now requesting the deadlines to go back. That means that we invoice later too. That in turn means I hit a financial wall around xmas day. So, essentially I am about to lose money because they both wanted to try and earn more.

This has gone on too long. The only way out of this now is to cut the chord and take my chances with some welfare options. That it has come to this is just the pits.

Not just that, but now my honesty about my health has been turned into condescension, part of an obvious defence against taking any responsibilty for the way these old patterns play out.

I have to get away from this. It's so bad for me.

Having said all that, the Cptsd nw feels less present, being replaced by the same old weariness I used to have before it flared badly back in jan. It's a kind of progress. But I know that my health now is totally linked to ending this partnership and doing something normal for my income. This just won't do.

People.... What a world it would be if people took responsibility.

General Discussion / Re: Not having a difficult day
« on: November 16, 2017, 08:26:56 AM »
how interesting, that was my experience the other week. Just wasn't there.

gonna be in and out for a bit I suspect but it works.

keep it up!

Hey DC, do you create at all in any form? Because I think you should!

I'm a writer, novelist, and I can tell you that it's one of the biggest tools I have for beating this. Just do it for you and let rip, makes a huge difference to how life feels.

Also, try and bear in mind that the things you feel are often merely the way that the biology of the thing works and not half as personal and internal as it can sometimes appear. Your sense of self is bruised, and that makes you doubt yourself. But that's the way of the thing. Knowing how typical that is and seeing the same patterns again and again in here, you increasingly realised that there is a real flightpath to beating this thing. Your past put you here, but you can you will untangle the ropes it haps left around you. Read everything you can on this thing and take it apart in the cold blue light of reason. Wash the wound with psychology and biology.

This is beatable, it's not easy, but it can beaten. Now are you with me?


Defiance is everything.

General Discussion / Re: tell it like it is
« on: November 15, 2017, 09:48:02 AM »
aye, I'm pretty angry right now, it's enough to have been put there by these numpties, it's another to then have the resulting brain damage written off as my "character" . I have been calling out the unhealthy reality of our work for over a decade and have been soundly ignored. Well, not now. Enough already.

General Discussion / Re: New to the forum
« on: November 15, 2017, 08:30:27 AM »

you've taken a huge first step by coming here and getting assistance. Monumental stuff. The people in here are amazing and there is a wealth of great advice and encouragement from people who understand as only those who have experienced these things can provide. Pour out anything and everything you need to express, it will take some pressure off, we will be happy to hear what you have to say and show solidarity as you get ready to change your life.

Proud of you. x

General Discussion / tell it like it is
« on: November 15, 2017, 08:26:35 AM »
yesterday, I had a proper meltdown and decided that rather than suffer in silence with my team, I'd tell it like it is.

So, I made it pretty clear how ill I was. Maybe it helps that the book we are working on is about the brain, has a spread specifically on PTSD, but I didn't hold back this time and I chose to ignore the condesention and doubt and just BLOW. That did the trick. Talk about alarm. Suddenly everyone can act like they give a damn for a bit and we can get this book off the desk.

Of course, the folklore will be that I'm an emotional nutcase, but I don't really care. I am done with being the dustbin for other people's inflexibilty and lack of consideration. If I have to display my PTSD, I will. If someone chooses to use it negatively then they are merely demonstrating that they are not worth my time of interest.

I am ill. I am ill in a run over by a car kind of ill, bitten by a cobra ill. There is and was, no choice in this. It happened TO me, and the injury is in the brain, invisible to people who chose not to look. We all have this issue that we would get more sympathy if we twisted our ankle or got food poisoning from bad clams.

So be it. I am not apologising for my condition anymore, and neither am I hiding it. I live with this legacy every day. If I have to live with it then I am not going to spare anyone the details. The people who get that will be my people, those that don't can take a dip in the north atlantic.

General Discussion / Re: As predicted... gnashing and wailing of teeth
« on: November 13, 2017, 04:10:50 PM »
well I have to copy the artwork. Shows Effect of PTSD on the brain!

Threw a fit on all and sundry today and got pretty angry. I don't think they have any doubts I'm ill now!

General Discussion / Re: As predicted... gnashing and wailing of teeth
« on: November 12, 2017, 05:35:05 PM »
Thanks you. It's really time to make changes.

General Discussion / As predicted... gnashing and wailing of teeth
« on: November 12, 2017, 03:01:30 PM »
well here we are, the work stuff is hitting the fan just as I was hoping it wouldn't but knew full well it would.

They've now managed to scramble my cashflow by being seriously late and I'm gonna be on carrots til january. Oh joy.

Last night I just blew. There was not a soul on the phone, online or hiding under the table to turn to so I rang the Samaritans. For the first time in 7 years I really cried. Out it came. The anger, the bewilderment and the shock. The injustice and the sheer pain of the whole thing.

It had to come out. I feel better, maybe. But Once again today I'm sat here waiting for people to break their promises. I am so done with this. The same old bloody delusions, the dreary gaslighting over schedules and that feeling of being trapped in your own life without the power to intervene in your own collapse.

But I'ts different now. I'm less PTSD and more just plain hacked off. I've come a long way and I'm not going back. Funny tho, I've goit an artwork to do shortly based on this image.

life is odd

ok you.. I hear you loud and clear and I totally empathise.

I was at college in the 1980s in south Wales. Fine art. I was surrounded by very privileged kids who knew everything but had never so much as smelt a poor man's fart. Even so, they were sure they were the people to tell the poor how to liberate themselves so long as they started enjoying experimental Rumanian dance while they did it. I can tell you now that not one of those spearheads of the revolution are in the frame right now in any form. All have spectacuarly contradicted themselves.

I am instrinsicaly left wing in my politics, simply because I believe that civilisation ultimatly means working together for all, not providing a perfect wave for an angry white kid, with chips on both shoulders, who'll end up being worse than his dad when he takes over the firm. Left wing idealism ultimatly undermines tne left anyway because the utopian stuf is a sitting target for the right who rightly point oit that it is beyond any hope of implementation. The truth is in the middle, something no one with a trace of narcicism ever wants to hear. Right, left... politics is a poor second to psychology, a discipline that has the realism that dogma can never hope to have. I mean, politics cannot even be called disciplined anyway.

Hard as it may be, back off and let the debates wste their own time and atend to your own needs. do whatever you can  to make your approach selfish and self controlled. The purpose of education is to listnen, not to lecture, so observe and don't absorb. This college spoapbox crap is as old as the pyramids, let it wash over you. Build muscle and sort your head out and just ignore these howler monkies.

There is a very good reason the best music comes from the poorest people.

General Discussion / Re: Letter to my husband
« on: November 11, 2017, 10:41:50 AM »
was talking with someone the other day and this phrase came up.

"the kindest people ask themselves the cruellest questions. The cruellest people ask themselves nothing at all."

General Discussion / Re: Letter to my husband
« on: November 10, 2017, 08:40:05 AM »
rubbishing counselling and psychology is a total cliche Mar. Narcs cannot face any self analysis because it involves the notion that what they think might not be right. That is like cutting the fins off a shark for them.

You have to escape the idea that there is ever going to be anything that can change this man. No idea, phrase, light on the road to Damascus... nothing. He would probably rather trigger nuclear armageddon than ask himself anything.

No contact, no looking back. It's the only way. Don't waste a single moment longer hoping for closure or resolution, it's impossible.

General Discussion / into the valley
« on: November 10, 2017, 08:34:19 AM »
well I've had a much better period the last few weeks, very big improvements all round.

but... I am now going to go through the mincer for 4 weeks with work. Complex to describe but I'm going to be working with a sea of bad tempers and I'll be the last point in the chain so I'll get the worst of it. None of the delays in these three jobs are mine, and each person who got us here won't want to take responsibility. Trigger central.

I desperatly want to stop doing this work and I should be able to swing it in the new year, but for now I'll have to chain myself to the desk and wade through heaps of dull artworking that has zero point to it, for not enough money and all of it far too complex to just blank out with, tho too boring to provide distraction. This is my kryptonite.

Somehow I have to get my head in a place that can keep this dispassionate. My business partner is a hysterical workaholic, the client is a bully.

My toolkit for this audiobooks and online courses, something that can fill my head with a sense of progression and interest to act as a counter balance. I need to walk a lot too, just to try and shake the moods I know are coming.

Am not looking forward to this.

General Discussion / Re: Letter to my husband
« on: November 08, 2017, 07:43:41 AM »
I also think that any attempt to reason with abusers using knowledge of this subject is destructive to you because it will be roundly dismissed and rob you of whay may have been helping. They have very very thick defences and there is little defence apart from no contact. The biggest part of this recovery for me has been understanding that closure is a lonely private act for people in our position and will never be the soothing mutual thing we crave. Narcicists and psycopaths afre on a par with animals in our ability to reason with them. Walk away and stay away.

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