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Messages - JamesG

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301
That must be bizarre! Well, it's bad now, but it will be an anecdote once you get out. Great travel writers have had some rum old trips in their time, that's for sure. Keep safe and move on as soon as you can. Fingers crossed that can be soon. I'm sure that when it goes well, it can be an amazing job. Brave to do it at all frankly!

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: worse before better?
« on: May 23, 2017, 12:22:02 PM »
yeah, a massage sounds a good idea now you mention it.

303
General Discussion / Re: C-PTSD London help and more
« on: May 23, 2017, 08:42:31 AM »
wonderful Eyessoblue. That sounds like progress. Let's beat this thing eh?

I'm fluctuating a fair bit. My counselling and maybe EMDR is a month of most likely but I'm now on meds, free to be my own person and when it gets really bad I contact the samaritans. Worth pointing out that they are there for more than suicide. Lean on them if there is nothing else. I find that they help most because every so often I need to hear from someone new that I went through something extreme. Telling my story to a stranger and hearing the reaction is a comfort, reassuing to hear that it is no suprise that I feel so bad now. I think many of us have had gaslighting thrown at us when we were asking for peace, its legacy being that we are never really quite sure of our own narratives going forward. I had four very messed up people hitting me with that for 6 solid years and I still find myself wondering if they were right, when I just KNOW they wern't. Any message said often enough will get under your skin eventually. Look at the power of advertising. Narcissists are very good at this, but they are weak pathetic people who are actually staking everything on your strength to save them from the world and all its responsibilities. It's a very strange compliment in a way, the parasite needs a strong host.

304
thanks you

anger is a tough one, alone, what do you do with it? It diverts into trust and then eats at your ability to face new relationships. I simply cannot fathom how it was that the four significant people in my life not only failed to take action to stop me being worn down to breakdown, they actually saw my situation as an opportunity to extend their own buffers against normailty. One I could write off as typical, 2 maybe, but four? That's sick Mother, Brother (NPD) business partner and alcoholic life partner. Add to that the fact that my juggling those four and I was increasingly cut off from any other assistance. I strongly believe that they'd have pushed me as far as a heart attack or a full breakdown before they reacted to my situation, and even then, they'd have blamed me for it. Grubby behaviour

305
General Discussion / Re: C-PTSD London help and more
« on: May 22, 2017, 10:15:37 AM »
Bottom line with these situations is that if it isn't something YOU can solve or change, then it is pointless enduring it. You are not a bad person if you are driven to leave, the driver is. It's a very sad truth, bjut some things can't be fixed, and when that thing is a relationship, then it should not be endured. Looking back I can see that there was never a chance to have stopped any of it. They had no intention of changing, they had to stick to their own destructive agenda until someone got hurt, which was so going to be me. Left to their own devices they are living it out as if it's normal, let em. I am going to fill my life with better people now. It's time. I hope you break through soon. The good people on here will be ready to back you up, we all know this stuff better than the people around us. We learn, teach share and inspire. I'm yet to hear anything from anyone on here that sounds off, speaks volumes that we are all good people trapped in bad situations by less than savoury personalities. Making the change is going to be big, meeting new people who have warmth and humanity will be huge. Not all people are as dark as it may feel right now, there are some beautiful souls out here, and an awful lot in here.

306
ye gads, C-PTSD is a *. I'm now in my new flat and of course, it's panic time. I've just started on escitalopram and stupidly had three beers at the pub last night which didn't help. All the same I think I can feel them working, third day. Sun is coming in through the window and my mood is going up and down like an escalator. My perception seems to go from the world is against me to backed-up defiance by the minute. Above all I'm just trying not to count the material and emotional cost of the last 6 years. It makes me feel nauseated. I've been totally exploited and for no good reason. I think it's the anger surfacing, anger I was too scared to show at the time because it would have brought the roof down on me. In the end, I brought the roof down deliberately myself because it was the only power I had left to me and yes, I'm free. But the cost! So much history swirling in my head, so much frustration and powerlessness. All those pointless attempts to get things under control, to bring things to a conclusion. It was never going to happen. What an utter waste of blood and treasure. I need to get a lid on this, the future can't have this in it, but for now, it's close to overwhelming. You can see why it's 'Post' trauma, it was never this bad while it was happening.

307
General Discussion / Re: C-PTSD London help and more
« on: May 21, 2017, 05:58:57 AM »
understanding it is half the battle to regaining confidence. it does'nt go, it hides.

I walked out on an alcoholic and dropped what was left of my family and yes, the pain and grief flares, but it will subside and you'll be better off.

It's your life eyessofblue

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: chaos
« on: May 20, 2017, 07:25:46 AM »
head down, charge! It has to get more complex before you can sort it and make it less complex, it's like emptying an attic. You've started, but you will finish. Go for it, fists up to fate, punch and kick and get normality back. Big hugs and much understanding. xxx

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General Discussion / Re: C-PTSD London help and more
« on: May 19, 2017, 03:38:39 PM »
put car into gear, foot on pedal....

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: worse before better?
« on: May 19, 2017, 03:32:53 PM »
I'm a big talking heads fan. Houses in motion is a definite top track.

I'm also finding online dating rather useful, not to literaly date but to make contact with like minds. Being understood and liked as you are now and not as an echo of your old pre-breakdown self is a huge thing. I have been very open about my experiences and have found nothing but affirmation from some really lovely people. It's possible to live outside of the pain if you chose your contacts wisley, but so many of us have had situations we can't dodge or run from and I feel so much for all of you that are still in that position. Know that your sensitivity is a sign that you are a wonderful individual and not weak, weakness is the narcissist, the abuser and the negligent. We hurt because we are strong enough to feel.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: other people... sigh
« on: May 19, 2017, 03:26:11 PM »
she's far from unusual tho is she? It's a very British issue isnt it?

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / other people... sigh
« on: May 18, 2017, 06:30:49 AM »
so, I manage to get back to my old town and see my old doc. Great woman, very supportive and practical, very confident of the c-ptsd diagnosis and willing to support from a distance. Come away with meds and feeling armed and ready to deal with this. So, after that and a few other good bits of news, I come back to my friend's home where I've been staying and yes, they've been great. Until now. I am asked about the doctor and I explain the visit and the measures I'm taking to fight it.

much to my utter amazement, my female mate stomped all over it. Seems that mental health is all bogus and nonsense, and I'm convincing myself I have something which I shouldn't be. It took some real diplomacy on my part I can tell you. They've been really kind but she could not have been more dismissive of my situation.

There are almost certainly a wealth of reasons for this response that I'm not really party to. Certainly, her own defence against a difficult upbringing has been a rock hard outer shell and I guess my willingness to turn and face my demons is abhorrent to that mindset. But all the same, it was a tough thing to hit from my point of view. I hit a lot of this attitude when things were at their worst, people trying to dismiss my experience as over sensitivity and emotionalism, but I just don't buy that crap. Some of us hit things that can lacerate our stiff upper lips, and yes, I'm sensitive, but with that comes so much that is good, not weak, strength in emotional feeling. Being a sledgehammer, because you've been hit by a sledgehammer is no way to live. My alcoholic ex was like this, bluffing that she was in control while she fell to bits behind the curtain.

I'm going to hit more of this, we all are, but I wouldnt have it any other way. I know what I have been through, We do not need it understood by everyone, only by those we consider to be our people.

Suprisingly, I feel ok

313
General Discussion / tactics, tiredness, meds and booze
« on: May 16, 2017, 08:37:02 PM »
Curious to know how everyone approaches tiredness management, alcohol, anti-depressants etc. I know this is broad but just in objective terms, I find that fatigue brings it all to the surface. Sleep in the daytime causes near certain anxiety attacks and I found anti-deppressants made life harder. Is anyone imposing a regime on themselves with any noticable results? I'm planning to start a strict no alcohol, early bed thing for a bit to see if I can mitigate some of the effects. I know this is all about how we feel emotionally but I am very eager to deploy any practical systems I can to flatten this thing. I'm just not gonna take this lying down. It's enough to have other people damage your life in the first place and another to let that result in a permanent effect. Has to be fought.

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General Discussion / Re: C-PTSD London help and more
« on: May 16, 2017, 08:30:01 PM »
and best of luck to you. Come on, let's kick this thing over and start living.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: can't work = failure
« on: May 16, 2017, 08:27:34 PM »
C-PTSD and work is a nasty mix. I'm self employed and the work itself was one of the big factors in my hitting the wall, alone maybe I could have done it, but mixed with abusive relationships and it was a killer.

Focus is the hard part, concentration is dire, but we've got to be good to ourselves and accept that it does not reflect on us, it reflects on the people who got us here. I seem to have a way to turn it around a bit in my mind of late, to see work as a reward that is for me, not some foul punishment tagged on the end of all the other pressures. Handled right, work gives you choices, power, fun, life... it's yours. Take it back.

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