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he sounds identical to my brother, callous. I think the pleasure caused by pain is real, they think your good nature is weakness and they feel entitled to play with it.

don't be hard on yourself Achilles, and certainly don't feel you are letting anyone down, we all know how deep this kind of trap can be and I'm sure we have all tried, 'one last time' to get validation and normality from a source that has no intention of providing it. The more you ask, the more worthless you will feel. Try to see that the relationship dynamics with a narc exploit a design flaw in human nature, a wee software glitch that would never matter if there were no narcs, namely that our desire to be wanted and loved makes us very vulnerable to the cruel and the heartless. It is no reflection on any of us in here that we were caught in that trap; there are millions upon millions of people who will live happy lives if they are never tested as we have been. The dice rolled bad for us is all and there is no going back, there is only learning these sad realities and then building a new life older and wiser where love is able to do what love does, free of exploitation.

This man sounds very cruel and unhinged, but clearly knows how to exploit honest feelings in others. My guess he's not just a narc but is essentially a psychopath because he is not devoid of empathy, he clearly has it and chooses to exploit it. That achilles is a psychopath. They can be very charming, hypnotic even. My brother is one, I wouldnt trust him with a blunt potato.

You cannot and will not get validation or closure, closure is impossible with these people. The rukes change by the second, goalposts move like sportscars and they will always be one step ahead of you if you fight clean and ask for fairness.

Metaphor alert:

You go swimming and you are attacked by a great white shark. It takes a leg off. You make it to shore and you go to hospital and recover, they find your arm and sew it back on (the shark wasn't even hungry and you didn't taste that good). Once you are fit and well, you decide that the best thing is to go back to the sea and make friends with the shark, train it to do seaworld tricks and be your friend because, after all, it wasn't personal, and the shark was just doing its shark thing, right? Wrong. The shark will at best, take another arm off, at worst, decide to mangle you into BBQ bits and it will do it without a care in the world because it simply doesn't care about you anymore than a wave, or a rockfall of a falling meteorite would.

These people DO NOT CARE. Forget closure, justice and resolution. This man is a shark, get out of the water.

what would the world be like if there were no narcs eh? sheesh

the best defence is to walk away and stop contact... do not feed him chocs or grenades, he can digest them equally. Just go

I suspect part of you, like me with my brother, wanted to test him given your new knowledge. Not gonna work because nothing will work, he's a monster. But what you have learned is that you shouldn't have gone back, and that is actually very important. Somethings can only be learned through pain and knowledge in the same moment. You have that now. Don't beat yourself up, this is a very common phenomenon but it's a cycle that will only be broken by you reaching that moment of sheer defiance that makes you see that you, a perfectly decent, kind and loving person, are dealing with something very abnormal.

Look ahead of you in to the future.. is this how life should be going ahead? Of course not, but that means a time has to happen when it stops and the only way to stop it.. IS TO STOP IT.

Like all narcicists, he is using your strengths against you, making them seem like weakness, your decency turned in on itself and he is counting on your pain and misery after each encounter to weaken you so he can have you feed his dubious needs. He can't and he won't love you, no matter who you are or how you look, or anything because it isn't about you, it's about him and nothing will ever stop that flow of abuse.

This is a very hard lesson, and many of us have expwrienced this return to abuser effect but you can and will return to that point of no return when you realise that all the pain he sends out is designed to make you feel awful and is not related to who you really are in any sense whatsoever. You are better than this, and better than him. Be Free of this.

gotcha... well what are your talents and interests? If you have energy why not just hit exercise? Anything is better than a narc. Clean a freeway with a toothpick, trust me, its better.

Bingo! You've got it! No going back now, you've crossed the canyon. Welcome to normal. There will be bumps and dips, trauma recovery is never a straight line, but it will all be progress now. It's worth every single second. Big hug to you, you broke the chains. x

the best thing to do is let it wither on the vine, rather than a big announcement. He'll take an announcement as a challenge, just keep not being available but make it seem as normal as you can, but keep it up and watch for shifting tactics. Once you start you have to finish. Funny, but you've changed so much in tone since you first posted, really great to see. Spartan life coach can really throw light on all this.

spartan life coach is amazing, you can go from this whirlpool of confusion toa really good understanding of the process in a very short time. It all feels unique, singular and personal but so many of the patterns we all talk about in here seem universal. Narcs exploit a weakness in human nature, namely being human. They subvert decency and humanity and turn it on itself. Learn all you can and know, that deep down, they are very scared and very weak people relying utterly on other people's decency to save them from the terror of existing. Once you start to see it their strength is halved, they will feel it instantly too, because the confidence trick they have been counting on for so long is suddenly useless. Knowledge is power. Prepare your battlefield, learn about that tactics they use, learn about the instinctive results they are counting on in others and then switch the monsters off. It's easier than you think. Don't expect a dramatic closure, look to switch the supply one notch at a time. Then go, and don't go back.

I spoke with a trauma specialist about this yesterday funnily enough. Some good insights.

We are vulnerable to exaggerated aspects of the daily rhythm so around 2 in the afternoon, expect to crash, especially after food. Caffeine is NOT a good idea because stimulants cause us to pressure the adrenal glans where our stress has done the most damage. The advice is to accept the fatigue and go with it, we are sailboats not speedboats and we have to use the available wind. It's all about the adrenals, minimise stress as much as possible. I was playing a shoot em up game and was finding myself exhasuted afterwards for instance, so to keep it fun, I dropped to the lowest possible level of difficulty and yes, it was a bloodbath and I was a dweeb but I'm not asleep now. Who cares? What works - works. Drinking lots of water is also good, keep hydrated and flush the system.

go for it Mar, you deserve a better life. The man is a monster.

don't be hard on yourself for this happening, some very strong and capable people I know have fallen foul of narcs, it's oddly a sign of your humanity that they abuse, they see that and they exploit it. Your new life starts now. All power to you. x

well said Andyman, be safe mar74, be safe and start the journey to normality. We are with you.
x

happy birthday mate

have a good one

that's curious... me too! Look at the positive ones in there tho... use the defiance and the creative side... pour it on!

wow Mar, that's some life right there.

This man is appaling and you have got to get out. Look for any support available for women in your situation and take any help they are offering. You may have to accept that the dogs are a price you will have to pay to protect yourself and the kids, but you cannot go on like this. My heart goes out to you. No one should have to experience abuse of this scale. Or any scale. I'm in the UK so I am not up on what help is available for you there but anyone else reading this who can point you at helplines or support options, please step in here.