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Messages - JamesG

#91
Hi Barbidoll,

I'm afraid this is pretty typical, but in time you'll win this argument. Right now the emotions are running high and instinct is going to be a huge factor, it's horribly unfair I know, but time is on your side. You've done the right thing, that is the legacy that will endure and in time your son will see it. I wish I could suggest something that could change it for you now but your son will have to have his moment for now. It WILL pass. Big hugs x
#92
Hi  Mia, and welcome.

I'm afraid that this is a natural response by a decent person to a messed up person. Your responses are perfectly understandable, given that you are in the shock and awe phase of dealing with a crazed narcissist. First off, know that no one should have to deal with this kind of behaviour, and so no one is really equipped instinctively to respond in a calm way. The tactics used against you and the people on this forum (fine bunch, I may add) are totally reprehensible and petty. They work only because they shock.

It is not you

You feel it because you are a decent person, something they are driven to attack because they know you won't fight dirty in the same way. Stay calm. Hold the banner of decency high and repeat after me, "Observe, Don't absorb."

Really, you're ok, you are decent, and you are human. That is something that the abusive will never understand, though they look on with all the longing of a hyena watching humming birds. Decency is the thing. Whatever your traumas may have been, your moral compass is screaming at you for change - that is the sound of how you know the world should be. Greet each attack knowing that decency and humanity are an absolute, we all know it is right over wrong - even the narcissist knows that deep down. Stand your ground, reclaim the moral high ground even though the view is terrible.
#93
General Discussion / In the bones
October 10, 2017, 09:39:05 AM
In the bones

In your place of greater safety
in the place that they called home
the devil reached in to slap you
and he wore your father's clothes


and it hurt you
and you felt it
deep
in your bones

you said nothing

the storm it came and took you
and it threw you into the corn
and now you don't know where you are
and now you don't know where you are

and there's no one left to help you
but those people who will help you
because they know how hard you landed
and they know just how that feels

in the bones

and the corn is as high as an elephant's eye
and you were not in Kansas anymore
and it doesn't seem to matter
if you stand or if you fall

but it matters
oh yes it matters
it matters
it's all that matters

now the past is a long time going
and the future is a long time coming
but it's coming, you can feel it
in your bones

it doesn't really matter
that you're not in Kansas anymore
you're in a place of greater safety
leaning your head on your own shoulder

you can be delighted
you're not in Kansas anymore
and each day the family leaves you, you feel it less
in the bones

in the bones
#94
General Discussion / Re: Vitamin D
October 10, 2017, 07:30:04 AM
for me it feels like I'm reconciling the fact that it will never make any real sense and, more importantly, it doesn't need to. I've wasted enough life on it already and there is so much I want to do that it's the future that counts. My brother, my mother, my ex, my business partner.... it doesn't matter really. They have to deal with themselves and whether that ends well or not is not my concern. Armed with what I know now, I'm starting to shape my life very differently. Financially I have some challenges, but I am pretty certain I can bridge this period with some help and some care and reach my potential again. Big changes.
#95
General Discussion / Re: Need some help
October 09, 2017, 10:12:38 PM
spartan life coach... youtube... now
#96
General Discussion / Re: Need some help
October 09, 2017, 08:50:32 PM
achilles, welcome. This is a good crowd so sit down and we'll bring you a hot drink.

What you are experiencing seems to be a common pattern, you are feeding this man's narcissism which isn't doing anyone any good. People stay with abusers, it's a sadly common pattern and there are well know reasons. What feels like love can be a sense of failure, shame and a host of other things that can feel like love. But it's not love. Really. Love is only possible when there is an exchange of respect and that is not what is happening. All you can do is get out of there and find the real thing. There are many very good people out there, push the narcs aside and look for them.
#97
General Discussion / Re: Vitamin D
October 09, 2017, 08:43:25 PM
let's keep this up guys, seeing this as objectively as possible we might be able to mutually support each other. I'm certainly bouncing around like a pinball but given the non-bouncy pinballness of the period that led me here, I'm happy to see that as a sign of recovery. I said to someone today that my lows are making me high, I guess what I mean is that the more I feel the pain as the dissociation goes, the more I know I'm on the up. Counter-intuitive but I think it fits.
#98
interesting... seems to point to it being a symptom of the adrenal system deciding "my work here is done"
#99
General Discussion / Re: Vitamin D
October 09, 2017, 07:46:46 AM
yes, let's take over! An army of evil villains who are actually too nice if anything! Slow steady recovery is definitely the order of the day. Gonna be a very lazy winter! Not pushing is the key, and not letting others push either. Decisions about how we live have to be just that, ours, and made about what enables us to feel unpressured.
#100
I'm really curious to know if there is a distinct pattern to the arrival of the fatigue between us. This is a very pragmatic question, I can't find any focused assessment of this online, so I wonder if any of you would be willing to share whether it was a during or after issue. With me, it seems to have suddenly descended as soon as I felt I was entering a new stability with friends and the flat, like was giving myself permission to throttle back and heal.  But then it could equally be that my nervous system finally ran out of gas and pulled the hose on the cortisol. Right now I feel a lot less panicked and less driven by bad memories, but the fatigue is running riot. Trying to find a pattern is very uphill. Would welcome a few extra perspectives on this if you feel able.
#101
General Discussion / Re: Vitamin D
October 08, 2017, 08:33:50 PM
well it's a pretty vague picture today. Picking up tonight but up and down. I dunno. Alcohol is virtually non existant so that's not so much of a factor. But being bothered to do anything is a challenge. Not quite the cure all I'd hoped it would be at the start, but then it's too early for that anyway given what was posted above. as usual, C-PTSD never gives you an easy answer to anything. I'll keep on tho, that;s what you do.
#102
General Discussion / Re: Vitamin D
October 08, 2017, 07:22:44 AM
that's interesting, because something boosted me really well, possibly a placebo possibly changes in my psychology since recent counselling. As ever, C-PTSD is like hunting for a lost ring in a dirty canal.
#103
General Discussion / Re: Vitamin D
October 07, 2017, 08:53:26 PM
well saturday didn't bounce back... zero alcohol tonight but boy, I could be barely bothered to open this window and type. I wish I understood this a bit better, why now? It is probably the alcohol on top of the meds, probably, but then this thing is always so bloody vague. I'd research it, but I can't be bothered. hehe.
#104
General Discussion / Re: Vitamin D
October 07, 2017, 05:18:38 PM
v good advice Contessa. The period leading me here was manic, I just didn't stop so of course, that's my go-to way of zipping about. Trying to do things at half speed and not sweat some things being left undone. Mostly that's ok but I still find myself walking like an olympian and trying to plan far too ambitiously. The alcohol is a challenge tho. I don't drink to forget, and rarely get drunk, but it is habitual. I know that it is mangled up in my physiology but come 6 pm, it's calling me like a klaxon to take the edge off.

I don't mind going slow on the housework, not going out or taking longer to do work that I resent, it's my writing and the promotion of my novels that is driving me banjo. The books are passive income, if they sell, I make cash without actually working, but they need me to get my head around a few bits and bobs of software and some marketing and yet my head is porridge. But it is what it is.
#105
General Discussion / Re: Vitamin D
October 07, 2017, 02:49:18 PM
another 2 hour crash this afternoon. annoying but probably my own fault. I pounded on my energy this morning and over mined it, that following three pints of lager at the queen's arms last night. DOH! back up now tho and trying to have my second morning of the day minus the mistakes of morning 1. I'd like to say you live and learn, but I clearly don't. Vitamin D definitly helps, but the issue is still there, it's all about pacing.  Tea, tea will make it better, where's my tea?