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Topics - Blueberry

#1
Successes, Progress? / Avoided collapse
March 26, 2024, 01:11:20 PM
Yesterday I realised I'd been on the brink of collapse again. BUT I caught myself and took steps to not collapse. Today I told my occupational therapist but also added he might not agree with me on the impending collapse (he tries to help me see the positive that I am managing - which is good because within a week I always manage something). He agreed with me though that over the past few weeks it had looked like brink-of-collapse.

Now I've avoided that. Or averted is maybe more appropriate. :)  :cheer:
#2
Family / Hate them? Love them?
March 19, 2024, 06:22:31 AM
In one of those conferences I was listening to a while back, I heard that one key to healing from FOO stuff is to admit to yourself that you love your parents. So I'll just change that to 'we': We love our parents because it is the natural thing to do. What we usually hate is the way they treated us and likely continue to treat us. Not allowing ourselves to admit that we love them, holds us back from healing.

Just writing some of that makes me want to reach for a vomit button we don't have, but at the time I heard it, it made a lot of sense actually. So I'll reword it: It's OK for me to think and write that some Parts in me love my parents. It's natural for babies and small children and even older children to love their parents. It's even natural for teens behind a veneer of  :blowup:

This gem came from Candace Van Dell, I think. I wasn't too impressed with some other things she (if it was her) said, things that told me she was in her head, not her feelings. So maybe it's the same with the first para here too.

Free for discussion if anybody wants to.
#3
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Exhausted!
March 02, 2024, 05:40:20 PM
I am so exhausted. Deep down into my bones exhausted. Could hardly drag myself up the stairs a few minutes ago.

:fallingbricks:  :fallingbricks:  :fallingbricks:

Most of today I was doing really well, getting things done. No exhaustion.

Then I had a shower and washed my hair.  :fallingbricks:  Total exhaustion. Where I have to drag myself around to do things. Especially my legs and feet feel really tired. It's even more clear to me than usual how this state is an EF :fallingbricks:

I presume I'm re-experiencing trauma w/o knowing what I'm re-experiencing or why or what's behind it. All I want to do is eat junk food or curl up.

Zoom Group is soon
#4
Hormones and the Body, March 18-24, 2024
https://www.consciouslife.com/conferences/hsc?affiliate=123&cookieUUID=ececb340-f224-4a8a-a294-2932783cd95a

I'm sure it's not all related to trauma but there are some speakers who have a good grounding in the subject, e.g. Alex Howard

Also some talks on menopause, which some of us on here discussed in relation to cptsd.

If you sign up now or any time before March 18th, there are some free bonus talks which you can listen to in advance at your leisure.
#5
Conferences/Courses / FREE Tapping World Summit
February 27, 2024, 12:35:19 PM
10 day, free online seminar on Tapping aka EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique

Here's the link.
https://www.thetappingsolution.com/2024tws/reg/af/new-access.php?lid=436615&cookieUUID=2478d1b9-fb5e-407f-96bd-502861ead287

I got the notification yesterday, I presume it's still free to join.

Note: My trauma T taught me how to do it, so it's definitely a possible in our Tool Kit. It helped me, definitely, but not enough on it's own for me.
The way these people teach it, it's a panacea for everything including trauma. I can't remember why exactly but probably due to some wild healing claims, I took them up on the difference between ptsd and cptsd and they had to admit that they don't really know about trauma. Their suggestion that Tapping can heal your trauma/ptsd/cptsd is based on what people with cptsd or ptsd who've done the tapping say themselves about how much better they got.

I think I may have taken them up on the suggestion that you tap a particular sentence every day for 15 minutes or an hour or idk exactly how long any more whereas I can manage only about 2 minutes before a) I yawn so much I can't continue and b) my arms are so tired and achy I can't continue. Although I can do it imaginary in my head (so not involving my arms physically), the yawning so much my head almost splits in two and the tears pour down my face makes it too much.
#6
AVAIYA with Ande and Ike is one of those trauma healing courses for free. There's a course starting today and running probably 4-5 days. I don't have a link, but you can probably google it.

AVAIYA does trauma healing conferences at least twice a year. I personally like them, but they're probably not everybody's thing. 
#7
https://www.decodeyourtrauma.com/optin1670336523317

It seems you can look at this any time or sign up any time, for free. I was sent a link to it a week or so ago, didn't participate. Then got a reminder a few days ago that it's re-running. Just googled and found the above link, which as I say seems to always be available.

I found it really useful, though originally I thought I wouldn't. I was thinking - know all that, heard all that, my problem is I don't follow through. Then: Hey presto, I got to hear why I have so much trouble following through on things for myself.
#8
The Cafe / Sculptures
February 18, 2024, 07:31:01 PM
These sculptures are cool. I kind of worry about the waste of fruit, but the festival director could be implying they're being handled in such a way that they can be consumed afterward.

https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-europe-68329887
#9
Free workshop   https://bodyfix.thefitnessdoctor.com/

I signed up a week or so ago, tho on now listening to above advertising blurb, it does sound a little too "all-healing" and totally - you can do this- to be true, especially for the likes of us. Also you're meant to attend every day and sign up for one of three possible time slots per day in advance. Feels overwhelming to me, but probably not for everybody here on OOTS.

As with all these freebies, I'm sure he'll do another one at the latest in a year.

#10
Conferences/Courses / Trauma Superconference 2024
January 31, 2024, 04:25:27 PM
Quote from: Lakelynn on January 31, 2024, 12:42:03 PMYou'll have complete free access to anything on that day, regardless of time. Once midnight hits, I imagine it will close.

Correct, pretty much :)

I've discovered if you're part way through a session at midnight, that session doesn't close immediately. I've had it go over by up to about 10-15 minutes, I can't remember exactly. Might go on longer, if you're just 5 minutes into session, idk. It's also up to midnight in your own time zone, which I find nice. Don't have to subtract and add hours and get confused and miss the whole thing. Which could happen to me, depending on levels of brain fog. 
#11
These are some thoughts of mine due to reading that other thread this evening https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15736.0    AND listening to the session Navigating Trauma Triggers from Trauma Super Conference 4 https://www.consciouslife.com/conferences/tsc-4/sessions/navigating-trauma-triggers  The speaker in the session is Sander T. Jones, a therapist and survivor of cptsd and more specifically of the childhood variety.

He was talking about when we're triggered into Freeze. Ideally we need to get out of that again, for which movement is good - any movement. I know for myself even wiggling my fingers and toes is good. But then what happens is you're back in a state where Fight or Flight feel best. I know this well, I told my Occup. T. about this recently though not in those words because I didn't have that clarity. This is where certain forms of therapy come in, including DBT according to Sander Jones, to teach you to find and implement something that will calm your heart rate and then soothe you.

If I look back to the other inpatient place I was in with trauma and bpd groups, this is something they were working with us on: realising we were triggered or about to be triggered and seeing how we were coping - or at least the therapist would see. We were meant to juggle up to 5 balls at once. Some people didn't even start, others might have thrown the balls around the room for all I know or slammed them violently against a wall... I kept trying because we'd been told to do this, until I eventually asked if I could stop. The answer was non-committal but I did stop because of feeling so bad with all the internal negative voices. In retrospect, I'm not sure that about 10 patients plus one therapist who didn't tell us why we were doing this exercise was sensible, but whether bpd or cptsd, we were all working on the same thing. Recalling some of those with bpd, they were more likely go off the rails a bit, like throwing a ball hard against a wall or I remember one who when provoked by a couple of men kicked over a garbage can and left the room. None of it was really violent though. Some with bpd but also some with cptsd like me self-harm instead, as a general rule I mean, not necessarily in the juggling example.

So to go back to the session with Sander T. Jones, all those reactions with juggling are Fight and Flight, maybe some Fawning and some people maybe going back into Freeze, all brought on through a stressful situation, unless there was the odd professional juggler among the patients ;)  The idea in healing is to move beyond Fight/Flight. [I don't even know myself whether self-harm counts as Fight of Flight or something else - it's one thing I use to come back from dissociation but also soothe myself into dissociation (don't ask...)]. So you have to practise moving out of Fight/Flight, calming your system. I am not a therapist, I have no significant knowledge so idk if therapists have different methods for people with bpd or cptsd. I can say with 95% certainty that methods differ among cptsd patients - not one size fits all.

There would be more to write on what Sander T. Jones said in general, but I can't get it together any more. Anyway, I immediately thought of this juggling example from way back when I watched his session. Maybe helpful for somebody. Or possibly helpful for somebody to realise that in at least one country bpd doesn't seem to be so stigmatised. Although here "bpd" is thrown around as a possible diagnosis if you've disagreed with a therapist or if you self-harm, but not necessarily by a specialist.
Sander T. Jones doesn't mention bpd. 
#12
The Cafe / Good Things Christmas thread
December 17, 2023, 12:00:28 AM
I'm starting a Christmas thread for anybody who is able to write something good, heart-warming, positive, joyful, lovely etc about this season.
 
It is however for GOOD things only. Writing about good or joyful events in your present day Christmas OR about even tiny good memories from your childhood OR good things your Inner Children react to now does NOT mean the bad things didn't happen (or don't happen in the present day). This thread gives everybody a space to focus on the good even if just for two minutes. I learned in inpatient therapy that finding something positive despite all the undeniably bad stuff in our pasts and often present is a form of resilience and helps give our minds and bodies a brief break.

If you're from a culture/country that doesn't celebrate Christmas, feel free to write about your memories or reactions to a similar celebration from your culture or just about winter joys.

Anybody is free to write daily, along the lines of Three Good Things a day (could just be one thing though).

________________________________

I'll start:

When I opened my Advent calendar door last week, I felt the wonder and suspense of an Inner Child. The wonder of the golden glitter on the snow in the picture and the wonder of the tiny picture behind the door. I also remembered back to my very first Advent calender which was a big paper Santa Claus.
#13
The Cafe / Young school children performing
December 14, 2023, 11:01:58 PM
I watched a video on Youtube of a very small girl performing in a nativity play in church. She'd been told by her mother to sing loudly which she took very literally... I laughed till I was breathless and then some more till I cried. 

I won't link it because it's the kind of thing that could be triggering, depending on your memories of being on stage in normal school or Sunday school. I'm not triggered obviously or I wouldn't be laughing my head off. If anybody is interested, google 'child nativity play funny'.

Laughing is healthy so long as it's not laughing at.
#14
Questions/Suggestions/Comments / listening to Podcast?
November 17, 2023, 03:57:15 PM
I'm not tech-savvy. I have no idea whether I have seen a Podcast before :Idunno:  :Idunno: so my question is: Do I need to download anything on to my computer (Windows) in order to listen to the North Carolina univ.  Podcast? Or will it sort of run automatically? ???  I have tried to find out by googling, but :Idunno:  :blink:

My apologies, I'm on the wrong board but for some reason I can't access the correct one when I'm logged in :Idunno: (though I have cleared my cache as instructed).
#15
The Cafe / Heart-warming (animals)
November 04, 2023, 04:42:49 PM
A heart-warming article from BBC, with photo

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-suffolk-67310766
#16
Successes, Progress? / Laughing at FOO
November 03, 2023, 01:42:27 PM
Today appt at my psychiatrist's I actually ended up laughing at FOO as did my psychiatrist. They were and they are just so ridiculous in their viewpoints and ideas. It really felt good to be able to laugh.

My psych asked beforehand while I was explaining some stuff from FOO if he could say something a little naughty. I said 'Go ahead'. Psych: "Your mother has got a bit of a screw loose". "Several", I responded. I suppose that set the tone for actually laughing at FOO later.
#17
I got a notification of this in an email.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQrOV5vN6-4
Just over 10  mins long. Spoke a lot to me.

I don't like the terminology Narc, I prefer to think of my FOO as plain dysfunctional, since I can't actually give them a diagnosis. Got to leave that to the professionals. This little talk of Jerry Wise's hit home for me though. (Some at least of the) emotional abuse in a nutshell :aaauuugh: 
#18
Physical Issues / Conversion disorder
October 23, 2023, 11:12:02 PM
I was reading Ghost's post about PNES and started googling it. One thing led to another and I saw "conversion disorder" which was mentioned in my latest inpatient report in combination with what they're labeling as OSDD atm because they're still not 100% sure where I am on the dissociative spectrum. See https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15563.msg136356#new

So reading this now https://www.chop.edu/conditions-diseases/conversion-disorder

"Conversion disorder involves the loss of one or more bodily functions. Examples include:

    Weakness or paralysis
    Loss of balance or difficulty walking
    Tremors or seizures
    Vision problems, such as double vision or blindness
    Hearing problems or deafness
    Difficulty speaking or inability to speak
    Difficulty swallowing"

Yes to weakness, yes to loss of balance and difficulty walking, yes to hearing problems (my hearing was often very bad during inpatient stay especially in certain group trauma settings and my T eventually said that it can be caused by dissociation)
Lesser or unclear symptoms from list:
It's possible that I had tremors or seizures as a teen, I'm not sure partially because nobody in FOO ever saw it happen so nobody could tell me what it looked like on the outside. See https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=7891.msg136358#msg136358
My eyesight is getting worse and some things on this topic feel a bit nebulous or as Hope wrote on my OSDD thread, they're still hidden in a tunnel.
Difficulty speaking - yes in the sense that when things are really hard and/or I'm trying to talk about something very triggering in therapy, it can be that I can only speak in a whisper.
Difficulty swallowing - it feels that way sometimes when the lump in my throat is particularly large but I'm not sure if that would be included here. I actually had a lump in my throat for years, it was called 'post-nasal drip' then; maybe it still is. It was annoying, I was always swallowing trying to make it disappear. At the same time I also assumed that everybody had one and it was there for keeps, bad luck sort of thing.

#19
OSDD - Symptom or Comorbidity? Does it even matter? No, atm it doesn't to me.

I can't access parts of the forum when I'm logged in anyway, including most of the symptoms threads. (A cache problem, to be solved sometime).

So anyway, I wrote my piece for the Book Project and have just written another piece for the podcast request. Both took me a while and neither piece is the same. Ask me my trauma story and I'll tell you something different, possibly even every time. Does that mean it's wrong? Or that I'm lying or being deceptive? No, it doesn't. It might mean different parts of me are speaking up. What it certainly means is that cptsd as I know it, so the way it affects me, is so broad, so all-encompassing that I can't get it all down in just a few pages or 3 minutes recording. I'd probably need more like 3 hours recording or maybe 30 hours, I really have no idea. Also the more I write, the more becomes clear again. The stuff has been clear before but I can't survive day-to-day with that clarity so I let it sink back, probably into some sort of dissociative part.

As an aside, I asked my inpatient T if not every patient with cptsd has some sort of dissociative disorder, since dissociating to some degree seems pretty common here on OOTS, and there were others in the inpatient program who seemed to dissociate in a far more visible way than I did but who could also be brought back or even be prevented from drifting off in ways that don't seem to work for me e.g. eating peppercorns, sticking their hands in ice-cold water or some such physical shock to the system.

My T said that patients are good at hiding it, though she didn't mean concealing deliberately. It's more that it can take the patients themselves and the therapists a long time to figure out that that is what is going on. Maybe some therapists are happy to give the diagnosis sooner than others, Idk. The first time I spoke to this T before I went inpatient last year, she asked me if I dissociated and I couldn't remember if I did or not :doh:  Once off the phone I remembered that "of course I do!! All the time!" There too, I didn't deliberately hide the information, it just wasn't present in my mind at the time, or not with those words.

20 years ago in group therapy in my first inpatient stay, I'd tell my T: "I'm going away now" but I didn't actually leave the room or even dissociate particularly far or deep because saying that I could feel it about to happen was enough to keep me from actually doing so. We hadn't learnt about dissociating per se there so I don't think I knew or understood the term then. Had my most recent inpatient T asked me if 'I go away internally', then I would probably have said "Yes" because that's another way I used to describe it. Parts of me know this phenomenon under different terminology and I can't access the different terms all at the same time so ask me a question and I may give the wrong answer or with a T I know and trust I may draw a blank and have to think for a while till images and words and concepts from different parts of me at different ages or even at different stages of healing though all adult ages start linking up again...

For me it comes full circle or almost full circle to what I wrote further up the post, cptsd is so all-consuming, so monstrous that I can't contain all my knowledge of how it affects me and how I experience it all in one place, all in one internal filing cabinet that I can pull out and read out to someone. It's filed all over the place with arrows pointing to additional information and examples and this led to the other and another source was that. And if I don't watch it, all the files and arrows and sticky notes will come flying out and all land in a huge messy pile on the floor and I can't bear to go through it again and sort but I also don't want to throw it out. It's part of me after all.

I see I switched to present tense in the middle. Going back into 'it' is OK briefly but then better get back into an Observer.

Does any of this make sense to anybody else on here? Or sound some way familiar? I don't really mean whether you know or work with IFS, though the Observer role probably originated there by name. It's more - how does this additional beast feel to you? (Cptsd is a beast, dissociative stuff feels like an additional beast to me). But I don't want to trigger anyone into going further than they can handle or tbh further than I can handle (sort of joking of course because I do have to know for myself when to stop reading or absorbing).
#20
Questions/Suggestions/Comments / Zoom Group 2
October 14, 2023, 04:46:35 PM
Anybody from ZG2 intending to join the meeting in a few minutes?