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Topics - Blueberry

#181
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / triggered by a basic word
December 23, 2017, 12:17:21 AM
While reading posts tonight, I was triggered by a word. Not the kind of word you might think, but by "maybe". "Maybe you are" or "Maybe you do" or something like that. It wasn't a response to anything of mine. It took me a while to realise that it's reminding me of M saying "Maybe you should" (do whatever). So now I have an image of her in my head. Another topic for Screen Processing - just what I wanted to do tonight - not. I've just been moving around to music, because that helps process and ground.

It won't be the first time I read "Maybe" on here. Why am I triggered today? Don't know. When I can feel distanced from this Beast called CPTSD, I can even find it faintly fascinating how it is that suddenly I'm triggered where I haven't noticed before. What's the whole situation tonight that's got me triggered? What happened earlier in the day? Is it something to do with the sage of healing I'm at? As in, am I finally halfway ready to feel this as a trigger and also work on it? Is it to do with the post I read before?? But maybe that's just my head getting in the way so I doN't feel.

I've known for a long time that "should" is a problem; now I know better why. So doing some Screen Processing might raise my tolerance for the word "should" and more particularly for the feeling of something being a useful activity that could be good to do... Whereas this feeling tends to make me go on strike internally, is mostly if not always counterproductive.
#182
Family / Christmas cards
December 19, 2017, 10:49:26 PM
Over the past couple of days I've received Xmas cards from a few members of extended family. I've been pleasantly surprised that there have been no Flying Monkey attempts. They wish me a Merry Xmas, Happy new Year, and some add a bit of their own news but nobody has given me any news about parents and sibs, which is good, because if I wanted that I'd get it for myself.
#183
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Anger
December 19, 2017, 06:38:42 AM
Anger, EF, more anger:
I've been reading more on anger. There are two types. One is good to have and express - that's the type that makes set limits in the here and now and going into the future. The second type is covering up either hurt / sadness or a feeling of helplessness. It is apparently not very helpful to cover up any of these feelings with rage, which is what I've been doing in the last little while. It seemed to be a little bit helpful. I wrote an email and didn't do any self-harm, I got some energy and did some cleaning and tidying, I even washed a couple of windows, but it also got worse and worse. More rage came and I got a bit 'touchy' on subjects that aren't that important. Also I tend to start correcting people on things that aren't important, things I could just as easily let slide. Then I got a sore throat and then went down with a really bad cold. I hadn't even been yelling, but I think it started out as an 'anger' sore throat anyway.

Rage doesn't heal what's beneath it - the hurt and feeling helpless or powerless. Rage just 'helps' me to lash out with aggressive voice to or words at other people. Even if sometimes they may have been provoking a bit for whatever reason, it's not helpful for me to get into an argument about not very much. Because then I feel bad and guilty and pull back from people. I think they look at me a bit and look at each other and wonder "What's wrong with her?" And even though I wonder why a certain group of friends and acquaintances always seems to manage to make critical remarks about something particular which is very much part of my life, and they know it, really I should leave them to it. Just ignore. I'm not changing my mind much on the issue, but nor are they apparently.

FOO did this too when I was a teenager and young adult and I remained engaged with them and arguing, it just occurs to me now. So I'm repeating this behaviour now and no doubt that's why it makes me feel bad. Feeling powerless means at least in part that I'm powerless to change their minds. Of course, you always are. You can't force people to change their minds. Except in FOO the idea was to 'pick holes' in other people's arguments and the person who could use the best logic won. My powers of reasoning and logic were always disparaged, so I'm still trying to show I'm logical and not as stupid as FOO always said. In the meantime, I'm treating other people somewhat like FOO treated me. I don't think as badly and it's not all the time, but 'just' when I move into Fight modus. However, it's not good for me.
#185
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Being honest
December 11, 2017, 08:01:32 PM
I feel like being honest today, like in a 12 Step group. Tell it like it is. Yes, I've been making progress bit by bit over the last while, and yes, today I made further progress. But still I feel i could be doing more. Step by step.

I honestly find it hard to keep going, day after day, year after year. I know some healing seems to just come by magic so to speak, once I've put it up on the Screen in T or at home, but other healing - well, I have to work at it. For that to work, I need to want to work at it. To believe that all these little steps will lead to an improved whole. An improved me? I know we're meant to believe that we're just humans and we're imperfect (as humans are) but still valuable and even lovable (yikes), but I still think there is quite a lot of amending to do in my life.

What with addictions and compulsive behaviour and depression I've developed quite a few unhealthy, non-useful traits. Like procrastinating. Sometimes that has its place; for some activities, impulses and plans, it genuinely is too early.

I also like to read a lot, like on here, but also on even less beneficial sites. But at some point - as is even in the Guidelines - it's good to step away and start and/or continue putting ideas into practice in everyday life. NTS.  :whistling:
#186
Letters of Recovery / Letter to another friend
December 09, 2017, 11:53:54 PM
Dear G.,

Would you just lay off please?!? I've heard your comments and opinions quite enough in the last few months. It's time you kept them to yourself. You're not speaking for other people, though you seem to think you are.

You also seem to think you have some sort of responsibility for me and take it personally if I decide to do something you don't agree with. Like, if I don't sing in the choir tomorrow, that'll really bother you. Why?? I don't even sing the same voice as you! I know you think I joined choir because of you, but actually I didn't. It was on somebody else's recommendation. So you can stop feeling responsible if I don't turn up!

Friends who take my behaviour personally when it has nothing to do with them but rather to do with choices for my own healing won't remain friends. That's my experience. At some point I tell them where to get off.

Even if you had CPTSD you wouldn't know what's best for me.  As it is, you have quite frankly no idea. So it's time to turn your attention on to some other person / event.
#187
Letters of Recovery / to LETS member(s)
December 09, 2017, 09:24:47 PM
Dear D.W.,

I am bitterly disappointed that you refused to stand up and simply say "I agree with Blueberry." I realise I have to accept that you refused to do so even though you did agree with me and were happy to spend time complaining about what I was brave enough to stand up and try to end.

But how on earth could you think it was OK to then criticise me for stepping down from my post?? I desperately needed all the background criticisers - which includes you! - to stand up for me. You didn't, the others didn't.

I'm so angry about this!!  :blowup: :blowup: How on earth can anybody be expected to end what is basically corruption in a group on their own when nobody else will stand up for them openly?? I told you in advance that that's what I needed. As I said, I have to accept that you wouldn't stand up for me, though that is hard. But no way can I accept your criticism of me for stepping down!! I am so angry!  :blowup:

Blueberry

#188
The Cafe / help with avatar
December 09, 2017, 08:44:52 PM
Hello,

I'd like to add an avatar of blueberries on the bush but I don't know how to download and make sure it's a 'free' one. How can I tell?

Thanks in advance.  :hug:
#189
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / SI = EF
December 08, 2017, 07:24:47 PM
Today that thought went through my head: "Might as well do yourself in." I countered immediately with: "That's an EF" and the thought was gone. This is progress for me.  :applause: :applause:
#190
General Discussion / MOVED: imagery for CPTSD
December 06, 2017, 11:09:09 PM
This topic has been moved to Treatment - General because more appropriate.

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=8370.0
#191
General Discussion / imagery for CPTSD
December 06, 2017, 10:49:32 PM
My present T explained something useful to me yesterday, which might help others too. He works a lot with imagery and this is really helpful to me. My translation of T's words might sound a bit unscientific so bear with me.

Our CPTSD is a biological neural network, and it's like a huge inflatable doll. Wherever we start work on it, it loses air, reduces in size and power, and till it finally crumples up and falls down leaving the outer casing deflated on the ground where it has next to no power over us anymore.

It really doesn't matter where we start to work on it, so it's good to start at the easiest place, for us. The least triggering. Something that won't bowl us over backwards for months. Apparently we don't even have to look at and process every last piece of trauma and retraumatisation we've ever experienced. Because the inflatable doll will hit the ground before we get that far. This is a relief for me quite frankly. My inflatable doll isn't crumpled up on the ground yet, but definitely a lot smaller, a lot less full of air. Sometime, my inflatable doll will fall. My T didn't say, and I didn't ask, but I'm sure that I'm over the half-way mark in processing.
#192
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Three good things a day2
December 04, 2017, 08:36:36 PM
A continuation of Three Good Things a Day, which grew to 21 pages :D

Original thread can be found here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6252.0
#193
Quote from: Three Roses on September 14, 2017, 10:56:51 PM
Officially, IC is inner child and ICr is inner critic.

I would like to remind all posters of this distinction. It is not always clear when IC is used for Inner Critic. I found the swapping of these acronyms especially confusing when i was new on the forum. Also some of us have ICs (Inner Children) who are critical, they're not always sweet little lambs. So a critical sounding quote could be from an IC, not necessarily from an ICr.
#194
Family / goal post moving
November 23, 2017, 01:00:44 PM
I read on OOTF about abusers moving the goal posts. For a long time I didn't know what that meant. Despite examples, I couldn't think what that could mean in my life. Till something resurfaced yesterday. As a young adult I told B1 some of the verbal abuse he'd poured all over me in earlier years, and he said "You should've told me then! You should've told me to stick my opinion." You should've done this, you should've done that... Seemingly not having a clue even in hindsight that he would have parried any remark or defence of mine with something else, always making me out to be the one with the problem because I didn't come up with the solution he's coming up with now. And that I undoubtedly had told him then.

#195
Successes, Progress? / Various
November 20, 2017, 10:26:52 PM
1) I told a neighbour today that, no, I'm not copying his private papers on my business printer/copier. Even though I know that some people may see this as nit-picking, but I know why I'm doing this both for me as a private person and for me in my self-employed space. I didn't self-harm afterwards, I didn't even have the impulse to do so!  :cheer:

2) Today I also didn't hesitate to move various items out of my business space (outside my office door but interfering with door opening, name plate, door bell etc). Well, I hardly hesitated. But compared to all the soul-searching I went through before claiming this area as mine not to be used by all and sundry in the building for God-knows-what a number of months ago, this is huge progress.

3) Yesterday I stuck up a nice notice in the basement on the door of my new allotted space asking neighbours not to put garbage containers in front of it. It's actually always been my allotted space, it's just that a previous tenant in the building occupied it and once told me that it was actually mine  :stars:  I never managed to ask for it back but I did manage to take it over when she moved out. She used to have a note on the door too saying 'don't block please'.

4) I do a lot of colouring-in in adult colouring books (one of my self-soothing methods) and it's one of these pictures I've put up with my message added. This is progress too. I'm showing this part of me outside my apartment and I'm also adding some colour to the basement / decorating / beautifying. Felt good afterwards, didn't feel like self-harming.  :thumbup:
#196
I don't have the time or energy to word a letter so lobbing a couple of hand grenades at FOO  :blowup: :blowup: :blowup: :blowup: one each to the major parties.

Was so angry last night at all the injustice done to me by FOO I could n't sleep properly and now I need to prepare for a client.
#197
Family / financial dependence on FOO
November 18, 2017, 08:47:07 PM
for anybody for whom financial dependence on FOO is a topic, or for people who - yikes - even still have to live with FOO, or have had to go back to doing so, some of what I wrote / vented here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=8150.0 might be relevant.

I don't know how long I'll leave it up because not the best if FOO read it and recognised me .... Having said that, I usually end up leaving my posts up anyway.  ;)
#198
Letters of Recovery / a letter I need to write to FOO
November 18, 2017, 08:36:36 PM
Blank. I can't face it. But I need to. It's about money.

F,
You asked last time you wrote how my pets are. I don't have them any more. Before you finally got round to letting me know how much money I might inherit, I gave them away. Although money wasn't the most important issue, it was part of it. The other issue was not having enough energy.

Not having enough energy for them doesn't bode well for me ever having enough energy to work enough to support myself. I appreciate that you were willing to tell me how much money, since M apparently isn't, at least that's what you wrote. Please note that it is important for me to know amounts! Otherwise I might make other decisions, like move to a much worse but cheaper place or give up freelance work all for the sake of saving what is little money in the grand scheme of things but particularly little money seen in context of our FOO and what's available. Giving up eg. freelance work before I am ready is akin to pulling the rug out from under my own feet, which done too early will be destabilising.

You say you care about me. Good, this is a test. If I let you know how angry I am at your treatment of me, at M's, at the Bs', will you cut me off or continue to support me? I can hear you saying "Don't be so ridiculous! Of course we'll still support you." But I'm not being ridiculous. I genuinely don't know. You said ten years ago that money is no-strings-attached. But I honestly don't know. So I don't dare to say what I think. I don't dare to go NC.

BTW if you and M had thought to put me in my own place last time instead of squashed in with B2 and family, possibly none of this would ever have happened! Possibly we would have had an OK family holiday without SIL2 dumping her vitriol on me that she can't dump on M, though that's certainly partially where it belongs, because the powers-that-be in FOO don't allow that. But dumping it on me? No problem. Even though M admitted herself that I was in no fit state to have that dumped on me. But she doesn't see the connect that it gets dumped on me because YOU, F, are preventing it getting dumped on her.

Not having enough energy also doesn't bode well for me ever being healthy, which I told you and M last time I was over. Possibly you didn't take that seriously, since you seem to tend not to, thinking I'm exaggerating. I wasn't. I am deadly serious.


__________________________________

I realise while I write this that some of the info needs to go to my parents, or maybe just F - he will pass the salient points on to M after all and I'll just "get in trouble" as usual if I allow her to be aware of things he doesn't want her to be aware of e.g. he gave me an estimate of the amount i'll inherit.

But some of the info I'm just venting and ranting and it shouldn't go to F at all.

I also know that some people on here and probably even more on OOTF would recommend I do without the inheritance and go on welfare. While I'm also looking into that and what exactly that might all entail, there are definitely downsides to that. Along the lines of pulling the rug out from under my own feet too early. Letting go of non-financial supports like having access to a nearby garden. It needs to be nearby or I won't go out of the house and weed it and sow seeds and pick flowers and edible weeds. It's hard enough to 'keep going' or to want to do so not having my Little Furry Creatures.

Antoher non-financial support I'd have to let go of with less money is: my local environs, e.g. by moving to a different town or even a different part of town where rents are lower. Would mean keeping contact with local people and local institutions that much harder. Going out of the house and communicating with people is hard enough as is without making it a bus ride away. Even getting up the energy and courage to go into a different church, rather than the one round the corner, might be too much... And the point is: FOO has money coming out of its ears. My sibs certainly don't need what would be my share.



#199
Rather than hijack PeTe's thread, I copied sanmagic's response over here because some of it really speaks to me:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 16, 2017, 06:15:34 PM
unfortunately, to my mind, this is a manipulation used to get us to do what they want rather than what we want

i'm very sorry you've experienced this from such a young age, had it ingrained in you for most all your life.  you absolutely have a right to your boundaries, no matter what anyone says.  using suicide as a damocles' sword is terrible. 


B2 forbade me from ever mentioning to M that I see various of her actions towards me as a child as CSA. (I told the Bs before the advent of grandchildren so that the Bs could protect their children from it.) B2 forbade it in case M committed suicide! I think the idea of her doing that is laughable, it just so doesn't fit any other of her behaviour. She'd just say I was being crazy, making things up etc etc. But to B I just said I thought it was unlikely, and he countered with "but it's possible".

So lightbulb on now with san's post: B2 was getting me to do what he wanted: not talk about it otherwise in FOO. And he was also implying that M's well-being is more important than mine.  :blowup: Did anybody in FOO never think that I might have problems with suicidal thoughts?? No. B1 opined once that suicide is a selfish act while I sat there thinking that what your FOO says and does to drive you there is maybe actually the selfish act. Don't anybody get me wrong please! I'm not saying anybody should commit suicide but B2 here was just doing a blatant perpetrator / victim switch, which I didn't really notice much at the time, just accepted it as the way things had to be if I wanted contact with my Bs. I was probably still NC with my M and F (for the first time around) at that point. I do have suicide ideation, though now much reduced. Not that FOO knows that because I don't talk about it. Once again I'm speechless versus FOO.  :pissed:  :blowup:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 16, 2017, 06:15:34 PM
these are just my thoughts, my opinions.  i don't mean to be harsh - i just know how much suffering goes on when someone believes they have to deny what feels right for themselves because someone else has issues that they're not resolving

It doesn't sound harsh to me, san. I'm realising bit by bit how much I've suffered over the years due to denying myself what feels right to me, or worse even denying myself the opportunity to try and feel what's right for me, because the rest of FOO has issues they're not resolving. So not even someone, but M, F, B1, B2 and SIL2. Five people. And while they were still alive, the three grandparents I knew, even the one who tried to support me, she had issues too. It's hard to say that, I feel disloyal. But to become a fully-functioning independent adult I would have needed to Idk exactly feel able to say what I felt or set boundaries without being fearful of what she might say. Though come to think of it, I could do that far better with her than with M or F.
And also another relative of same generation as my grandparents. She and GrM helped me, but also believed that their ways of seeing relationships within my FOO and 'my blame' within it all were correct (they didn't discuss with each other obviously because they didn't see the issue the same way). There wasn't any idea that I would be allowed to set boundaries myself. Somebody would do it for me. I was in my early 20s at the time. What were they thinking??  :snort: but also  :'( :'(



#200
Employment / Bosses, co-workers etc
November 14, 2017, 11:08:21 PM
Another situation (other than friendships) in which I'm speaking my mind is the farm. Strictly speaking, I'm working there for friends. I certainly don't have a contract of any sort. Which is good since I didn't turn up at all last Friday. No show when you're officially employed is bad. I didn't realise till a few days later why I hadn't gone: one of the people on the farm ( we'll call her 'B')  tried to take one of my tasks away from me last week. Not so she could do it herself but so that 'C' could do it instead because it is C's job.

I broached that topic to C but in front of B on Monday.  :cheer: Yay for me, big step.
C, it turns out, actually loves it when I come and do that particular job. B hastily re-explained making it out that I'd misunderstood something, but actually I hadn't. I've been remembering that B has habit of stirring the pot in this way. What got triggered for me was: "you're not wanted" and "you're in the way", some popular sayings from M and B1 to me. No wonder I remained in bed on Friday and didn't go to the farm!

In a 'real' job with a contract I'd have to turn up willy-nilly. Right now I'm remembering that my T says undealt with problems will keep returning in some form or other (addictions, pain, nightmares, illness - and I'll add huge impulse to remain hiding in bed -) until I deal with them, i.e. approach them and start healing process.

I've always been a sitting duck for thoses bosses and co-workers prone to bullying and/or prone to finding someone to blame for this or that. I was at school too. Well, I was at home so no wonder it continued in all other aspects of life. At the farm I've proved B wrong! C's more than happy for me to do this particular job. And I've shown B that I can stand up to her and will.

I'm feeling atm that I would like to try and find some pretty part time job that I'd like and that wouldn't stress me out too much, but for pay obviously, which the farm isn't. My freelance work isn't enough to support me at all, though as an additional job it would be fine. Somebody gave me an idea the other day, which I intend to pursue. But then I tend to draw back, thinking "what if I get ill again? Maybe I should wait a few months?" 

Aside from the difficulty of explaining to prospective employers what I've been doing career-wise for the past 16 years, just knowing that I tend to fall apart when bosses and/or co-workers decide to pick on somebody does rather put me off looking for a job. Last time I looked for and even got a job, the problem was that the boss and co-workers ignored me almost completely instead of showing me the job and then once they did show me seemed annoyed that I didn't get the hang of various machines quickly enough to work up to pace. If they'd showed me when things were still running slowly and I'd been able to practise without stress, I probably would have managed to work up to pace. And yes, I did keep asking: "Can you please show me?"