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Sounds like lots of progress Deep Blue. Sorry for all the pain though. 

I really feel happy today, contented. And I also feel the progress I'm making in all sorts of different ways all at once.

I applied for a second small job today. It's a type of work I've done before, albeit a good number of years ago. I tried it last year too for a different company. It didn't work, but that was actually partly the company's fault. They didn't teach me the work while things were slow, they just threw me in at the deep end and I struggled with an EF for about 3 hours, then gave up.

It's good progress that I'm trying again with a different company than last year. Up until a few weeks ago I wouldn't have dared. Maybe it's even on account of the new little job I started a couple of weeks ago that I feel up to trying an additional one. This one is very close by: 3 minutes walking, maximum.   

I spent a lot of the day working in the garden. Now I need to go and deal with those fresh greens and flowers I harvested.

My apartment is complete and utter chaos however.  But that's the way it is, there's always some part of life I don't get together when I'm making improvements in other areas.

Your English sounds pretty good to me bhupendra! You might be glad to know that you're not the only non-native speaker on here. We're really a pretty friendly, kind forum. If someone is confused about what you mean, they might ask you. But nobody will laugh at you or criticise your spelling the way people do on other forums or comment sections. We all know too well how bad that feels.

An interesting section for you in healing could be http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=49.0 Ideas/Tools for Recovery. Pinned at the top is the very successful Three Good Things a Day - taking the time to focus on the positive/successful in your day. Also: Neat Interactive Self-Care Guide. Self-care is difficult for many of us with CPTSD and it's also very important.

Most of us with cptsd (or probably even all of us) get Emotional Flashbacks, so it might help you to read about them http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=2589.0

Also this book   "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving," by Pete Walker (2013) is a standard work here. You can read it online too http://pete-walker.com/

If you have more specific questions, feel free to ask again.

Blueberry

[ah]

ah and Deep Blue, when I read about the heating pad I remembered somebody in inpatient T who would 'not notice' how hot the shower water was at particular times and of course not notice that it was far too hot. I remember that she would get her bed neighbour to test it for her in those times. Self-care.

I also think there might be a bit of a slippery slope from self-neglect to actual self-harm. Like I used to allow myself to get so cold including in my own apartment that I got chilblains on my fingers and toes. Chilblains are actually a very minor form of frost-bite. Imagine getting that in your own apartment  They itch like *.

ah, thanks for the clarification on your use of SH and SI, and thanks especially for your compassion towards my teenaged self. I was an older teenager by then, 18-19, and yeah it was a very difficult, painful year in many ways.

My heart aches for you too, now, with a mouth bruised and scarred.   

Thanks Sceal!     I think you're right with that question of "what do you think I'm worth?" Might be more so with art than what I'm doing. But still quite a bit of my soul goes into my work and also sometimes soft skills that you can't price so well, or at least I can't.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure writing on here is a bit like talking to someone so that's why it's easier for me. I've been writing a paper Journal on and off for years and at some point it stopped helping me so much with clarity. Nobody reads my paper Journal so I don't get the (potential) validation from here.

1) I felt a bit bad physically this morning and had the impulse to do a tiny bit of yoga, which I then did. I hadn't done yoga for months.

2) It was sunny again today (not raining like yesterday) and I was happy because I had about 18 km to cycle.

3) Enjoying seeing all the green grass, leaves etc and the colourful flowers while cycling

if you don't feel strong enough yet for it, that would also be something to tell your t.  then you could pick a memory that has less punch to it and work on that instead.  please remember, therapy is for you, at your pace, and the best way for you.  you can make these decisions for yourself - your t does not know how a memory or emotion may trigger you, what level of intensity it might have, or how it may affect you.

I've been pushed too far by therapists, including trauma therapists, before. The results were never pretty. They usually set me way back.

My present T wanted to start with the easiest topic for me, the least triggering. Months and months later a different thing he was telling me explained why. Here it is: http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8370.msg57699#msg57699

There's also a saying  in the CPTSD world (at least in my country): "The slower you go, the faster your healing takes place." Slow includes doing baby steps. Mind you, my T doesn't do exposure therapy with me. So that may be different.

Like with san, a lot of my healing in the past year has come here from this forum. There's the validation. Then to me this place feels safe somehow. I can write here without doing self-harm and/or splitting my thoughts from my emotions. Whereas if I write in my diary on paper just for myself I self-harm and have a lot of trouble feeling my emotions and then writing them down.

It took me a good number of years to find a trauma therapist I can work with. e.g. one who doesn't trigger me regularly, whether consciously or through cluelessness. I live in a fairly small city so that doesn't help. There used to be no trauma therapists here, now there are a few. But the therapist I found I can work with is an hour away. I've been going for 2-3 years now and that's been very helpful. Lots of healing there too. I wouldn't want to have to battle away on my own anymore. I used to read about methods but couldn't really implement them until a T helped me modify them a bit to fit myself.

Good luck.

ah, I don't know. I'm impressed that you managed to go cold turkey on self-harm 2 decades ago. Wow! These past few days, week maybe I have less self-harm impulse and so do less of it. I can't really imagine a time when I could just stop altogether for ever. But you did. 

I used to grind my teeth day and night, as a teenager when I was still living with FOO. It's not totally unusual - dentists know all about it. Maybe biting your gums is a bit like that? The fact that it's not unusual doesn't make it healthy or anything of course.

I just want to add for you and California Dreaming that on this forum SI actually stands for suicide ideation (not self-injury) and SH for self-harm. (I started out referring to my self-harm method as SI on here too).

  on allowing yourself to rest! I used to have trouble allowing myself that too.

I'm sorry finding a T is so difficult. 

san, I'm happy to hear there are so many good things going on in your life, so many developments: better atmosphere in the house, and especially beginnings of a relationship with this new man in your life. Go you!!   

Thanks san, DR, Sceal 

I hopped on a bus a bit later today with my bike. Not all rural buses will take a bike. It's hit and miss. The one an hour later might not have. But this one did, and the driver didn't even charge extra for my bike though he's meant to. Then I just had to cycle the last 3-4 km. Very beneficial 

Work went well. Atm it's a trial period but the employer mentioned she'll register me properly with the authorities in June so sounds as if she wants to keep me, is pleased enough.

Yes, I am making a lot of progress atm  and I do feel it myself too 

Yeah, this morning I'm thinking "It's time I got my act together and set off for work". At least I need to phone them and say I'm coming but just 'later'. Fortunately I work on my own at something that can be done any time of the day or night.

During the retreat I was recently on, the therapist reminded me not to speak hastily about this, and then that. He said to try and take it more slowly, pause and feel. So too here, feel the effect work is having on me, or the effect of the long cycle back and forth. Or why I feel as if this strange brew might be sloshing around in my guts. Eating-disorder related? Or something more emotional? Or both?

And also NTS take it slowly! I've been looking at job ads for P/T work (e.g. half-time) again, which isn't bad at all as an impulse but don't act on them yet. It's too early! More important to see what 'topics' this little job throws up at me and then how I deal with them. On Wednesday I saw a job ad for something else I could potentially do, would also be just one day a week and about 4-5 hours. It could be just the added stress of even considering it is making me reluctant to head off to my current little job. A sign of 'all too much'.

Yes, we're doing our best!

I feel a bit tired physically today. I'm actually meant to be on my way to work but don't feel up to the ride which is a sign that I shouldn't be volunteering to go twice a week. Just once a week is enough including the bike ride of 14 km each way, with hills. Though on MOn. I could try and combine the trip with my route to the farm. First farm for a couple of hours, then onto other job. Quite soon it'll definitely be once a week only anyway.

My gut feels as if there's this murky brew sloshing around in it. Not very conducive to cycling. otoh cycling might help. 
I've had this murky brew feeling before.

I can't believe that agony lifted after only days. Days! Instead of months or years. Something positive to come out of all of this, and a little self esteem boost

Yay! 

I agree with Kizzie that foot-stamping isn't 'undignified'. We are allowed to set boundaries! If words alone don't work, then foot-stamping sounds good. It's not committing any violence to anybody and if you meant it literally it might even help to ground you as an added bonus.