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I was raised to think that a "chump" was the worst thing I could be.  So of course I feel like one often, and then I shame myself for it. 

I came to the forum today because I am in a dark flashback and was hoping to find something useful.  Your post helped me, because it's my truth.

For what it's worth, thank you.  I really hope you are doing better.  PEACE.

Thank you for your post.  I lived with terrifying nightmares for well over ten years, and am just now starting to understand them.  My understanding is (at least in my case), the terror is an emotional flashback that may or may not have anything to do with what's happening in the dream.  With CPTSD it's the emotion of the trauma that we relive, which may explain why you are not dreaming about specific traumatic events.   

I had a very graphic, disturbing dream just yesterday.  I woke up in hyper-vigilant mode, and stayed that way for most of the day.  It was awful.   I ended up going to bed at 5:00 in order to shut myself down. 

Pete Walker's book has been a godsend for me, and has helped in dialing my nightmares down.  Also, the drug Prazosin has been tremendous (it is a blood pressure drug that was found to help vets with nightmares from PTSD).

Take care and be kind with yourself.  I hope that things improve soon!

silentrhino - The drug Prazosin was a breakthrough for me with my nightmares.  If you haven't been on it already, if might be worth asking your doc.   The combo of Prazosin & finding the right therapist has drastically reduced my nightmares, and when I do have them now they are typically not as terrifying as they were a couple of years ago. 

All the best to you -- hang in there!

I started taking Vyvanse for ADD about ten years ago, before I knew I'd been living with CPTSD.   I live with awful fatigue from Crohn's disease, but I'm now thinking that the CPTSD, and being in extended fight/flight mode, contributes to the fatigue.  I honestly don't know if I could function without Vyvanse (an amphetamine), since it helps to counter the fatigue.   

Food for thought. 

I'm writing about this because it helps to just put it out there.  There's only so many times my friends can hear this stuff!

I consider the first five years of my life to be pretty idyllic.  My mom, brother, & I spent our days together - playing, running errands, going to the park, library, etc..  I feel very lucky to have had those years.   My dad's alcoholism was the first to take center stage in the home.  He relapsed in his recovery several times before becoming serious about AA.  Once he got sober, my mom's alcoholism became the family focus. 

It's noteworthy that while all of this was happening, I was diagnosed and trying to survive with Crohn's disease, but my health was often the warm-up act for someone's addiction.  I learned to be self-reliant, often to the point of self-isolation (something I struggle with very much now).  My mom got sober ten years before her passing, and I was so proud to have two sober parents (although they had both had smoked since their early teens, and had no intention of quitting). 

It was around the time of mom's sobriety that my brother's alcoholism began to escalate.  His disease was more challenging to live with, since he had become a high functioning alcoholic.  By the time of his passing he was drinking a case of beer each day.  He and I were just a year apart, and were extremely close.

Between 2007-2013, each member of my family died - my dad from emphysema, mom from lung cancer, and my brother from liver disease.   I still have moments of frustration and anger when I miss them.   At the same time, there is a certain level of relief that comes from no longer having an active addict in my life.   Of course I wish my brother was alive, but in all honesty his addiction caused a lot of heartache and stress. 

For the past 3.5 years I've worked to put my own life together, with no apologies.  My husband and I have been together 18 years (legally wed in 2010 when it became legal in DC), and he has been sober for 32 years.  I don't drink.  We don't have alcohol in our home. 

I've been working with a wonderful therapist for about 15 months now, and a new psychiatrist (my previous one wasn't very effective).  I am currently trying to climb out of a 2-3 month relapse of my depression/anxiety, but I know that if I continue to see my therapist & doctor, I will eventually see improvement again.   

I am grateful today that I have found this site.  The symptoms of CPTSD seem to be so universal, which helps to normalize the life I've been living for nearly 45 years.   Thank you for the space to share this part of me.   

Hope you all are making time to take care of yourselves today. 

Hey all. 

Tonight I've been doing a lot of research on CPTSD, which has really confirmed a lot of what I've known for a while.

My traumas as a youth included being diagnosed with Crohn's Disease as an early teen, living in an alcoholic home, and facing terror at school, where I was bullied and targeted for being perceived as gay (which I am, but I did not identify as such at the time).

What really hit home tonight has been learning about emotional flashbacks, which I have been living with for probably most of my adult life (I turn 51 this week).   I also lived with terrifying chronic nightmares for about 15 years.  Within the last year or so, medication and therapy have finally provided relief from the most frightening dreams, but I still struggle with them on occasion (just not every night).  After years of trial and error I currently have a team of professionals - gastroenterologist, therapist, and psychiatrist - who listen to me and appear to have genuine concern for my well being. 

The last two months have been a struggle.  I recently completed my PhD, and am not currently working, which is both a blessing and a curse.  Things are bad enough at the moment that I cannot imagine working, at least not full time.  If my insurance approves it, I plan to begin Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation in the next few weeks, which gives me some hope. 

Thanks for reading.  I look forward to reading posts on this board.  I suspect that we all share commonalities that have brought us to this space.