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Topics - Kizzie

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1
What is Complex PTSD? / You Will be Found
« on: January 19, 2020, 06:08:22 PM »
If ever there was an anthem song for OOTS, this would be it - https://www.sunnyskyz.com/happy-videos/8834/People-From-31-Countries-Sing-039-You-Will-Be-Found-039-And-It-039-s-Absolutely-Beautiful.

You found us and we found you, welcome  :grouphug: 

2
Poetry & Creative Writing / MOVED: My F.
« on: January 15, 2020, 05:09:11 PM »

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Introductory Post / MOVED: More about My Trauma (TW)
« on: January 13, 2020, 05:42:58 PM »

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Yesterday I went to my 1st meeting with a Complex Trauma F2F group I found in my new location. It did not go well.

The person who formed the group talked about trauma for an hour, pontificated actually - one of many  red flags for me that he has covert NPD.  At one point he told us he is a recovering alcoholic, has two children who are completely messed up and that he would have checked all the boxes for NPD in the past. Would have?  He didn't seem to get that holding forth centre stage, saying things like MH professionals fear him because he doesn't charge $200/hr for what he passes on to survivors, commenting on whether what someone said was "good" or "right" or not the few times anyone got to speak, etc .....  is NPD behaviour.   

At one point he shared that he is developing a 12 step program for trauma so that MH professionals would not be able to attack/discredit the program (because 12 step programs are widely accepted).  To think that MH professionals would attack him to protect their livelihood is more centre of the universe N thinking. 

I get that many struggling with addiction find the 12 step programs helpful, but telling trauma survivors they must make amends to those whom they have hurt, nope, not on. Part of the reason we have CPTSD/RTR symptoms is because we accepted responsibility for what was done to us versus holding perpetrators accountable. There was only one other past member there (another red flag), a recovering addict who concurred and suggested we have to stop pointing our fingers at others and accept responsibility for our own behaviour. Heck no, point that finger, it's part of taking responsibility for our recovery imo.

And pressing members to hand things over to a higher power,  I very much want to let go of the trauma that lives in me but by working through it not letting it go which as many of us know, doesn't work very well. I don't know where this leaves those of us who don't believe in such things.  :Idunno:

He also talked about how all people suffer from trauma and we must connect in spirit to which I suggested I had spent 6 decades trying to connect with parents who have NPD and that it never happened and never will.  I am compassionate b/c they suffered a lot of trauma, so much so they developed NPD but it is their inability to self-reflect, to even see they have a problem that makes any kind of connection impossible and fraught with danger for me.

Anyway, not to go on, it was clearly not a healthy environment for survivors. What was/is deeply upsetting to me is that he is a wolf in sheep's clothing trying to build a following of vulnerable trauma survivors who will serve his need for attention and validation. I hope they listen to their guts. 

On a personal level I am still struggling to let go of the experience and probably will for a bit.  I so hate having any dealings with those with NPD and two in one week, overload  :pissed:  They're everywhere though I know so up to me to work on being less upset/angry and triggered. To be honest, I was/am upset with myself that I did react so strongly which tells me I have some more work to do on self-compassion.   
 

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Announcements / MOVED: New Member
« on: January 12, 2020, 03:17:43 AM »

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OOTS member Sandra Yelich's book "How to Make Peace with Food" was recently published and she was kind enough to write a blog article about one of the themes - how trauma can Impact our relationship with food. 

Thanks and congrats Sandra!  :applause:

7
Other / Our Wonderful Healing Porch - Part 7
« on: January 08, 2020, 06:05:42 PM »
The healing porch thread was started back in 2017 (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=6910.0):

Quote
I would like to make this the official home of the healing porch.

This is an idea several of us have come up with and want to maintain.

What we already know about the healing porch - first, it is imaginary. But, based on some real facts. It resembles the photo in my profile picture (an actual house I wish I could buy... ahh, if wishes were houses, I'd own it today).

Second, the porch wraps all the way around the house. Those who enjoy sun can sit in the un-roofed section, those who don't so much can even enjoy the screened in section. There are chairs, tables, swings, sofas, easy chairs.

Third, there is a beach and ocean just off the one side of the house. This ocean has crystal blue water, the sand never gets too hot to walk on.

Off another side of the porch is a middle/large concrete area for chalk expression and art. Hopscotch is popular over here.

Forest and lawn are represented off the other two porch sides. This is a magical healing porch, so it can shift as is needed for your healing time with us.

We have board games, bug lights, blankets of healing, peace, comfort, acceptance, rest and many other necessary emotions. They are scattered about the porch and you are welcome to wrap yourself in whichever blank you need. Fear not, this is a magical porch - if everyone needs acceptance, there will be enough to go around.

Refreshing beverages are always available - sorry, folks - one thing I feel strongly about, no alcohol. It blocks healing. Otherwise, all drinks are just waiting, cold or hot as is best for that beverage.

Snacks and light meals are also all around - fruit bowls, vegetable trays. Any vegan can be as well fed as the omnivores (including me) on this porch. If food is part of your challenge, there will always be a 'food-free' side to remove that as an issue during your time on the healing porch.

We've just had the suggestion that my puppies join us on the porch. I think it's a wonderful idea. In fact, if anyone has a pet, please bring it! We have shelving to hold aquariums, window jambs that would hold 20 pound cats, places for puppies to run and fetch, and whatever your pet wants or needs. Because this is a magical porch, messes clean themselves and no pet would DREAM of harming another pet.

All suggestions are welcome!! This is a place for all of us. It started as a mental image to help some of us remember to relax, breathe and enjoy each others' support. It's a great place to get acquainted with your inner child - everyone is safe here. There are games and friends to play them with. There are journals that nobody would ever dream of reading. There are phones and friends waiting on the other end to hear from you.

It is a place of healing. And community (I hear hopscotch is THE game this summer). Welcome.

Each part runs for 5 pages and then it's locked and a new part is started so it's easier to load and read.

8
One of the unfortunate aspects of managing this web site and forum is that I often come into contact with trolls and people w/NPD.  I've learned to deal with trolls fairly well although there are times they send my BP soaring, but those w/NPD still take it out of me. 

I had occasion this past week or two to tangle with someone who has NPD. The good news is I was not triggered into a BIG EF per se, just into anger and memories of how impossible NPD behaviour is to deal with, why it is so traumatizing and why I will never put myself in the position ever again of having to deal regularly with anyone who has NPD.  Not a bad reminder but it also sparks a forlorn wish that NPD were not as prevalent as it seems to be to me.

I extricated myself as soon as I realized and blocked the person on email so I don't have to deal with them again.  I told my H what occurred & spoke about how angry I am, and I'm writing here to also let it out and then let it go.

The part that was most maddening was not how unfair, manipulative, gaslighting, etc, etc, etc the person was, but that they have no clue their behaviour is toxic and never will. It makes having any chance at connecting in a human & reasonable way impossible; it's just ends up being a crazy making series of mind games and the only option is to step away, break contact.   

I can feel the grrrring  :pissed:  subsiding as I write this so tks for reading.

9
General Discussion / BIg T vs Little T Trauma
« on: January 04, 2020, 05:59:51 PM »
Good article - Using ‘Big T’ and ‘Little T’ for Trauma Can Be a Big Mistake by Robyn Brickel, May 2019. Here's a short excerpt:

There Is No Such Thing As “Little Trauma”

Trauma is a fundamental feeling of threat. It’s a perceived lack of safety. And it’s different for everyone. Trauma is more about the impact than the cause; it’s about how the trauma is “remembered” in the body. It is not up to us to judge, or quantify or size up the impact of someone’s trauma. The only person who can do that is the person who feels it.

Bullying can be hugely traumatic. Grief can be hugely traumatic. Postpartum depression, anxiety or other mood disorders can be hugely traumatic. Trauma from embarrassment, betrayal and affairs can leave deep, lasting, tremendous impact. These things might be categorized as “Little T”—but there is no such thing as little trauma. Trauma is trauma is trauma!

10
General Discussion / Big T vs Little T Trauma
« on: January 04, 2020, 05:58:24 PM »
Good article I came across today - Using ‘Big T’ and ‘Little T’ for Trauma Can Be a Big Mistake by Robyn Brickel, May 2019. Here's a short excerpt:

There Is No Such Thing As “Little Trauma”

Trauma is a fundamental feeling of threat. It’s a perceived lack of safety. And it’s different for everyone. Trauma is more about the impact than the cause; it’s about how the trauma is “remembered” in the body. It is not up to us to judge, or quantify or size up the impact of someone’s trauma. The only person who can do that is the person who feels it.

Bullying can be hugely traumatic. Grief can be hugely traumatic. Postpartum depression, anxiety or other mood disorders can be hugely traumatic. Trauma from embarrassment, betrayal and affairs can leave deep, lasting, tremendous impact. These things might be categorized as “Little T”—but there is no such thing as little trauma. Trauma is trauma is trauma!

11
The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD) "seeks to advance clinical, scientific, and societal understanding about the prevalence and consequences of chronic trauma and dissociation."  The ISSTD has a searchable therapist database here

Note: The ISSTD is different from the The International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies (ISTSS).

12
Going Low/No Contact with Abusers / Two Great Quotes
« on: December 25, 2019, 06:24:01 PM »
Came across two great quotes on Twitter this morning that I thought I'd share:

“I am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me” - Unknown

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”  Dr. Zeus


13
Christmas & New Years / Santa Finally Gets it Right
« on: December 24, 2019, 05:33:36 PM »
A brilliant video featuring Santa reflecting on reasons not to refer to kids as "naughty" any more - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOGnZHsJFU0.

For those of us who developed CPTSD/RTR in childhood, the wonderful take-away from this is we were never bad or naughty or any of the other negative things we were labelled, we were just kids reacting/responding to overwhelming stress/trauma.  :grouphug:

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Christmas & New Years / How are You Spending the Holidays?
« on: December 15, 2019, 04:42:47 AM »
Our son is coming home for two weeks and we will be enjoying his company and getting out and about in our new home.  We've lived in the area before but it was 10 years ago so it's fun to go back and see all the old haunts and also check out some new ones.

We did not invite my NPD M so that's some good self-care  :thumbup:

15
Announcements / New Blog Article About Our Difficulties w/Relationships
« on: December 01, 2019, 06:43:36 PM »
It's titled For Relational Trauma Survivors Talk Therapy is Not Enough.  My thanks to Jazzy  :hug:, Woodsgnome  :hug:   and Blue Palm  :hug:  for allowing me to include their posts in the article.     

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