Topics - Kizzie

I write a lot about my M and B having NPD, and little about my F's alcoholism, but of course it had a big impact on my life as well. In fact, back in my 20's (I am 59), I thought it was the reason for my pain and depression. I went to one of the then new Adult Children of Alcoholic groups and learned just how "dysfunctional" my FOO was. What I didn't realize then was how traumatizing and abusive/neglectful an alcoholic parent can be.

My father was a high functioning alcoholic and did quite well in his career, but had little left over for my B and I. He was for the most part a dominating, controlling, demanding and difficult person who came home tired during the week and was drunk on the weekends.

We walked on egg shells around him and my M because as someone with NPD she fought his absence in work and drinking (lots of down and dirty fighting in the early years), until she learned that by being the best mom ever she could get a lot of sympathy from those who knew he drank. She became a covert martyr and an enabler.

To most I'm sure we looked like a normal family but behind closed doors there was just ongoing tension and deep anger and no real love and nurturing. I can remember (now, couldn't always) laying in bed about age 5 or 6 and being terrified of their fighting and of having it spill over onto us. And of course it did although I couldn't see all of it the way I can now. There were the more obvious instances like being spanked really hard for embarrassing my M in front of a guest one day and put into a hot bath, to the not so obvious - the gaslighting and hoovering and all the behaviours of someone with NPD.

Ooops, I'm back to PDs I see lol. I learned to hate the smell of whiskey because I associate it with my F being drunk and a storm coming. I am triggered by talking to anyone who has had a few drinks which made life as the spouse of someone in the military difficult and triggering as there is a lot of socializing involved. Despite this, when my CPTSD symptoms overtook me about two years ago I turned to alcohol and came to see how much pain my F must have been in. I was in so much pain and it was the only legal way of numbing myself. It overtook me and became the problem. I bottomed out but got some help and haven't returned to drinking nor do I crave it luckily for me. The odd time when things have been really stressful I've caught myself thinking, "Having a couple of drinks would make this go away" but then I think about withdrawing and that puts a stop to that.

I recently found a book which is the first one I've seen which associates being parented by an alcoholic with trauma (The ACOA Trauma Syndrome: The Impact of Childhood Pain on Adult Relationships). This seems to me to be a huge step forward in that perhaps those who are ACOA's will identify as having livd with trauma rather than dysfunction and get the treatment they need. I know that I only stumbled on CPTSD through learning about my M having NPD and a post which pointed me toward Pete Walker, but now I see how much my F's alcoholism contributed so much to its development.

#525

Personality Disorder (Perpetrator) / Covert NPD Mother

September 19, 2015, 11:07:18 PM

I could just as easily put this under "religious abuse" because for my NPDM motherhood was her religion, she was its goddess, her bible was "The Book of The Good Mother," and we were her acolytes. As I learned much later in life (but had known at some level all along), she was in fact a covert narcissist who fed her emotional needs by gathering accolades for being the good M.

I was raised to keep her front and centre in my life, to worship her goodness (especially in front of others), and to never ever make her look bad; this was the most important commandment in her bible. When I was younger I truly believed I deserved punishment for making her sad or angry, but that became more difficult as I got older and began to feel like something was really off. I was often angry at my M, but mothers are good aren't they? And mine certainly looked good. Looking back I see a long trail of guilt and confusion on the one hand, and anger and sadness on the other. There was always the question "Who was the problem?" Push and pull, push and pull. I now understand that was a fight to survive (uphold my M's facade), and a fight to walk away from her "religion" to freedom.

When I came across Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the light went on. She is a covert N who fed on the adoration of friends and family for how good an mother she was. But she hadn't been a good mother and that idea turned my world upside down or so it felt at the time. It had taken a long time to let the idea surface into consciousness that she was abusive and neglectful, but my soul had known it all along. To listen to my anger, to let it surface meant I was going against all that I had been taught and it was a really tough roller coaster ride over a year or so until coming to grips with the thought that it was her all along.

It was especially difficult to see it because she is a covert N and they are stealthy in their abuse and very good at gaslighting others. In what appeared to be a sea of plenty, I was malnourished, starving for the safety, sense of belonging, love and sense of self other children have when they are mothered in a healthy way. My NPDM had used the religion of "The Good Mother" to hold my soul captive, to abuse and control me with this belief. But she was not a good mother. That simple sentence threatened my sense of self more than anything else I have ever feared. Seeing this truth straight on meant things would never be the same.

It is no wonder it took decades to see the truth. Through the eyes and heart of a child, the idea of losing your M is absolutely terrifying, losing the provider of all the necessities of life from food, clothing and protection to love, support, wisdom and guidance and a sense of belonging and self represents death, figuratively and as a young child would believe literally. Despite knowing deep inside that something wasn't right with my M, I had to submerge that, blame myself and push myself to always try harder and maybe one day she would be the m other I needed and deserved. I remember a longing, this hope that one day she would actually become a good M. I wanted that so much, long into adulthood. All of that was integrated into who I am and so a lot of fear came before giving up on the hope and faith in ever having a mother. For a while there was sense of loss, and of anger, sadness and emptiness. I think this must feel what it's like to walk away from your religious faith.

Today though I feel free, finally. I have more energy to fill up the empty spaces with things that nourish and sustain me, finally. Finally.

#526

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Today I achieved ..... Part 1

September 18, 2015, 08:26:47 PM

Setting up this thread

#527

RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / MOVED: Hopelessness

September 14, 2015, 06:34:26 PM

This topic has been moved to Symptoms of CPTSD (Other than EFs).

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2047.0

#528

The Cafe / Favourite Quotes Part 2

September 10, 2015, 03:31:29 PM

This thread is a continuation of the thread "Favourite Quotes Part 1"

#529

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Today I realized that ...... (Part 2)

September 10, 2015, 03:27:29 PM

This thread is a continuation from Part 1.

#530

Questions/Suggestions/Comments / Forum for Discussion about Religion, Personal Philosophy?

September 09, 2015, 05:16:01 PM

In another thread Dutch Uncle indicated he would like to talk about how his FOO's religious beliefs were partly responsible for the development of his CPTSD. (See http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2278.msg14996#msg14996.)

Given that discussions of personal faith may be very delicate/disturbing for some, the Mod Team would like to know how members feel about this. Please let us know below or PM one of us if you'd rather keep your opinion private.

Tks!

#531

Member Guidelines (PLEASE READ FIRST) / Guideline Reminder - Protecting Privacy

September 05, 2015, 05:40:24 PM

As you may know, from time to time we will post a guideline to remind members about something we see beginning to occur on the board. This reminder is about protecting your privacy and that of others. Obviously we are adults and you may choose to reveal personal information, but we strongly encourage you to avoid this wherever possible.

Privacy

Protecting the confidentiality and privacy of members at OOTS is paramount to our members' sense of safety and community and we take this very seriously. We cannot guarantee absolute privacy/ confidentiality because this is an online forum, but we will do as much as possible to protect members. This includes encouraging you to protect your own privacy and that of other members.

Protecting your privacy - It is strongly recommended that you do not use your real name and carefully consider posting any information, a user name, email address, avatar or photo which would allow others to recognize you and/or your family/friends. Anyone may join this site including those who have perpetrated or been involved in your abuse.

Protecting the privacy of others - Members are also expected to respect the privacy of others and not to try to solicit personal information via posts on the board or PMs. If the Moderation Team receives a complaint and/or sees a pattern of doing so the member will be warned and possibly banned.

#532

NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Feeling like an Imposter (Part 2)

September 03, 2015, 06:01:42 PM

This is a continuation from the thread "Does anyone feel like an impostor sometimes?"

#533

Physical Issues / Neuro-immune Disorder - Fibromyalgia?

August 25, 2015, 03:53:02 PM

I'm curious if anyone here has an ~~auto~~ neuro-immune disorder as I was in to see my GP yesterday for worsening arthritis symptoms, and she thinks I may have fibromyalgia or some other auto-immune disorder (on top of everything else - seriously?!

).

I read up on it and sure enough I have a lot of the symptoms but attributed most of them to CPTSD - sensitivity to noise, light, sound and medications; sleep difficulties; cognitive fog and headaches; fatigue; and joint/ and muscle pain, etc.

Anyway, if you have some info on your experience I'd appreciate hearing about it.

#534

Member Guidelines (PLEASE READ FIRST) / Swearing

August 15, 2015, 07:31:18 PM

A number of members have said that swearing is very triggering for them given that many suffered from CSA and/or emotional abuse in which offensive, demeaning sexually explicit language was used. As such, we have instituted a new Member Guideline as follows:

Swearing is not permitted because it is triggering and offensive for many of our members who have suffered from CSA and/or physical/emotional abuse which involved aggressive, threatening and/or demeaning language so please be considerate.

A filter has been added to replace offensive words with an *. However, if a word slips by please report the post and it will be edited accordingly.

Those who want to express anger or frustration may want to consider using one of the angry emoticons instead, for example:

#535

Questions/Suggestions/Comments / Checking Your Personal Messages

July 07, 2015, 03:30:07 PM

I've had a couple people tell me they didn't realize they had a personal message (PM) because they didn't know where to look.

If you look up from this post to the line across the page that starts with "Home" in red and ends with "Logout" you'll see "My Messages ." If there is a little number in brackets (E.g., (1) ) it means someone has sent you a PM. Just click on it and read your message(s). Replying is quite straightforward, just follow the prompts.

#536

Member Guidelines (PLEASE READ FIRST) / Guideline Reminder: "Flooding" the Board

July 02, 2015, 01:01:10 AM

Every once in a while the Mod Team will post about certain OOTS Guidelines as a reminder to members. This reminder is about flooding.

Flooding the Board

"Flooding" refers to making an overabundance of posts in the forums (i.e., responding to most new posts, regularly making posts that are more than 2-3 paragraphs; starting numerous threads; being present online for hours at a time; and, giving lots of advice to others and not focusing on one's own recovery).

While we encourage members to post and find their voice in recovery (given that so many of us were silenced by our abusers), at the same time we each need to be cognizant of the fact that flooding may discourage other members from finding their voice. Further, it may be a symptom of a need for attention that goes beyond exploring our problems, and offering support and encouragement to others.

Thus, we encourage members to keep posts to reasonable length (1-3 paragraphs); to keep the daily number of posts to a reasonable level; and, to practice self-care and step away from the computer and to try out recovery strategies and successes in real life. While there currently is no limit to the number or length of posts, if the Moderation Team sees a pattern of flooding the member will be warned and possibly banned if the behaviour persists.

#537

Checking Out / Busy Jul to end-Aug

June 24, 2015, 06:48:49 PM

Just a heads-up that work ramps up for me for the next two months so I will mostly just be checking in for PMs re admin problems, etc (and maybe get in a few posts here and there hopefully).

#538

Inner Child Work / What Makes Your IC Laugh

June 16, 2015, 07:38:37 PM

I came across a site about a surf dog competition in Huntington Beach CA, US that absolutely made my IC laugh out loud. http://surfcitysurfdog.com/. I so want to go!

#539

Member Guidelines (PLEASE READ FIRST) / Guideline Reminder: Giving and Receiving Advice

June 13, 2015, 10:32:47 PM

Hi Everyone:

Every once in a while we add a reminder here about certain guidelines if we see that people are beginning to stray a bit. The Mod Team is seeing a tendency for members to give advice rather than make suggestions and share their own experience so we are posting a reminder here to encourage members to follow our guideline.

The difference between giving advice and making a suggestion is saying for example, "You should do so and so" and "What about trying XXXX? I did that in XXXXXX situation and it worked well for me."

Or,

"You are dissociating and you should .........." versus "It may be that what you are experiencing is dissociation which as I understand is XXXXXXXXX. I would dissociate when XXXXXXXX happened and here's what I did to help myself - XXXXXXXXX. There are some resources here --links --- if you want to have a look and see if that's what you might be experiencing."

Here is the actual section in our Member Guidelines (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0):

Giving/Receiving Advice

While we encourage members to support and encourage others in theirs recovery, it is important to remember that we are each here to work on our own recovery first and foremost. Many of us with CPTSD have been trained to be caretakers and recovery for us involves resisting the temptation to do so here at OOTS.

Feel free to share how you cope or have coped with various situations and to make suggestions (as long as they are phrased as such) - that's the purpose of this forum, but please don't make blanket statements like "You *should* do this and that" based on what you think and/or have read in the resources about CPTSD. Another person's situation may be very different from yours. Often, people need to come to their own conclusions in their own time frame. We are all coming from different stages, situations, and backgrounds.

If a pattern of giving too much advice to others and not focusing on one's own recovery is noted, the member will be warned and if the behaviour persists, possibly banned.

#540

Please Introduce Yourself Here / MOVED: HIghly Sensitive People and Empaths

June 07, 2015, 05:45:16 PM

This topic has been moved to General Discussion about CPTSD.

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1810.0

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