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Topics - Kizzie

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#541
Inner Child Work / Information about the Inner Child
September 25, 2015, 09:37:22 PM
Books

See the OOTS list of books about the Inner Child here - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/Books.html

Articles

Web Sites
#542
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Information about the Inner & Outer Critic
September 25, 2015, 09:35:12 PM
According to Pete Walker: 

The Inner Critic... is typically spawned in a danger-laden childhood home. When parents do not provide safe enough bonding and attachment, the child flounders in abandonment fear and depression. Many children appear to be hard-wired to adapt to this endangering abandonment with perfectionism. This is true for both the passive abandonment of neglect and the active abandonment of abuse. A prevailing climate of danger forces the maturing superego to cultivate the various psychodynamics of perfectionism and endangerment listed at the end of this article. When anxious perfectionist efforting, however, fails over and over to render the parents safe and loving, the inner critic becomes increasingly hypervigilant and hostile in its striving to ferret out the shortcomings that seemingly alienate the parents. Like the soldier overlong in combat, PTSD sets in and locks the child into hypervigilance and excessive sympathetic nervous system arousal. Desperate to relieve the anxiety and depression of abandonment, the critic-driven child searches the present, and the future, for all the ways he is too much or not enough. The child's nascent ego finds no room to develop and her identity virtually becomes the superego. In the process, the critic often becomes virulent and eventually switches to the first person when goading the child: "I'm such a loser. I'm so pathetic... bad... ugly...worthless...stupid...defective".   (Reference: http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm)

The Outer Critic projects onto others the same processes of perfectionism and endangerment that the inner critic uses against the self. It perseverates about the unworthiness [imperfection] and treacherousness [dangerousness] of others to avoid emotional investment in relationships for fear they will replicate early parental betrayals.   (Reference: http://pete-walker.com/pdf/ShrinkingOuterCritic.pdf)

Books
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#543
General Discussion / Information about Recovery
September 25, 2015, 08:52:54 PM
#544
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Information about Emotional Flashbacks
September 25, 2015, 08:44:20 PM
As described by Pete Walker (2013) in his book "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving," emotional flashbacks (EFs) are one of the most common symptoms of CPTSD and involve mild to intense feeling states (e.g., anger, shame, fear) that were felt in past trauma, and are layered over present day situations. For example, a person who grew up with a parent who was angry and abusive may react with sudden intense fear to a minor conflict at work and not understand what is happening or why because often people with CPTSD do not connect these feelings to past trauma.  Emotional flashbacks are contrasted by the visual flashbacks experienced with PTSD where the sufferer sees the traumatic event replayed in their mind's eye.

Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings') to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair. 

How do I know I am in a Flashback? by Pete Walker

We can often find ourselves in a flashback without ever having seen the "flash". There are a variety of clues that we can learn to identify as signs that we are caught in a flashback. This is essential to recovery, as naming our experience "flashback" (step#1 in flashback management) often immediately brings some relief, and more importantly point us in the direction of working the other 12 steps of flashback management (listed on the flashback management page of this website).

One common clue that we are in a flashback occurs when we notice that we feel small, helpless, hopeless and so ashamed that we are loath to go out or show our face anywhere.

Another common clue that we are flashing back is an increase in the virulence of the inner or outer critic. This typically looks like increased drasticizing and catastrophizing, as well as excessive self-criticism or judgementalness of others. A very common example of this is lapsing into extremely polarized, all-or-none thinking – and most especially into only noticing what is wrong with yourself and/or others. On a personal level, I have learned over the years that when I am feeling especially critical of others, it usually means that I am feeling bad and have flashed back to being around my mother who hated any dip in my mood or energy level lest I be less useful and entertaining to her. During such flashbacks then, I am self-protectively over-noticing other's faults so I can justify avoiding them and the danger and shame of being seen in a state of not being shiny enough. See my articles on "Shrinking the Critic" for more info on how to recognize the various critic attacks that accompany as well as initiate flashbacks.

Another clue about flashbacks is seen in increased activation of the fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses (see my article on "A Trauma Typology"). Here are some examples of this. Many childhood trauma survivors learned early in life to manage and self-medicate the painful feelings of flashbacks with distracting activities and self-medicating substances - flight and freeze responses, respectively. Over time flight and freeze responses can become habitual. Flight types can devolve into distracting process addictions, and freeze types into "tuning out" substance addictions. The former can morph into workaholism, busyholism, consumerism, or sex &love addiction, and the latter into drinking, drugging, TV entrancement and compulsive eating (especially mood-altering junk foods that contain high quantities of salt, sugar and fat). Addiction for many survivors is a matter of degree, and an especially strong urge to use more substance or process than normal is a powerful clue that one is in a flashback. With practice, mindfully noticing a sudden upsurge in craving can be interpreted as the need to invoke the 13 steps of healthy flashback management.

Another clue that we are in a flashback occurs when we notice that our emotional reactions are out of proportion to what has triggered them, e.g., when a minor, present time upset feels like an emergency or when a minor unfairness feels like a travesty of justice; e.g., a spilled glass of water triggers an incessant diatribe of self-hate, or someone else's relatively harmless, un-signaled lane change triggers us into rage. If we are not mindful at such times, we can either inappropriately act these feelings out against the relatively innocent other, or we can let them morph into shame and act them in against ourselves in self-disgust or self-hatred. If on the other hand we mindfully recognize them as flashbacks to the way we felt about the real emergencies and injustices of parental abuse and abandonment, we can be empowered not only to invoke healthy flashback management techniques, but also to harvest the experience as an opportunity to validate the awfulness of our childhood plight. When we do the latter, we can assign and direct our anger into a self-protective protest about the unfair past, and our tears into self-compassionate crying for the plight of the child we were. Finally, it cannot be stressed enough that it takes a great deal of practicing both of these responses to heal the developmental arrest of being blocked from our all important instincts of self-protection and self-compassion. 

Source Managing Emotional Flashbacks

There is a great handout from Pete "13 Steps to Managing EFs" here - http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm.  Click here for a pdf version.
#545
Neglect/Abandonment / Information about Abandonment & Neglect
September 24, 2015, 08:44:36 PM
Please check back from time to time as resources will be added on an ongoing basis.

Books
ArticlesWeb Sites/Blogs
#546
Addiction (Perpetrator) / Information about Addiction (of Perpetrator) and Abuse
September 24, 2015, 08:20:03 PM
Please check back from time to time as resources will be added on an ongoing basis.

Books
ArticlesWeb Sites/Blogs
#547
Personality Disorder (Perpetrator) / Information about Abuse & Personality Disorders/Mental Illness of Perpetrator
September 24, 2015, 07:18:54 PM
Added April 4, 2023 - This thread tends to focus on Narcissistic Personality Disorder because it is the one most of us (survivors) deal with in terms of perpetrators abusive behaviour.  Narcissistic abuse is becoming much better understood and awareness is more widely spread these days, but there was a time when it was not viewed as a form of abuse. As many of us know it is a very damaging form of abuse, typically emotional,  that must be taken seriously by professionals, the public and survivors themselves.  Too often we hear survivors of this type of abuse saying things like"But I wasn't beaten or sexually abused."  We then gently point out that if they have the 6 symptoms of Complex PTSD/Complex Relational Trauma Response then they have indeed been abused.

Books
Articles  (There are tons of online articles available - just Google "Narcissism" and settle in with a cup of coffee)

Web Sites/Blogs
#548
Sexual Abuse / Information about Sexual Abuse **Trigger Warning**
September 24, 2015, 06:55:35 PM
Books and Articles



Web Sites/Blogs

#549
Emotional Abuse / Information about Emotional Abuse
September 24, 2015, 06:51:09 PM
Please check back from time to time as resources will be added on an ongoing basis.

Books
Articles
Web Sites/Blogs
#550
AV - Avoidance / Information about Dissociation
September 24, 2015, 01:02:47 AM
Books
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Web Sites

#551
Addiction (Perpetrator) / Alcoholic F
September 20, 2015, 09:13:14 PM
I write a lot about my M and B having NPD, and little about my F's alcoholism, but of course it had a big impact on my life as well.  In fact, back in my 20's (I am 59), I thought it was the reason for my pain and depression.  I went to one of the then new Adult Children of Alcoholic groups and learned just how "dysfunctional" my FOO was.  What I didn't realize then was how traumatizing and abusive/neglectful an alcoholic parent can be. 

My father was a high functioning alcoholic and did quite well in his career, but had little left over for my B and I.  He was for the most part a dominating, controlling, demanding and difficult person who came home tired during the week and was drunk on the weekends.

We walked on egg shells around him and my M because as someone with NPD she fought his absence in work and drinking (lots of down and dirty fighting in the early years), until she learned that by being the best mom ever she could get a lot of sympathy from those who knew he drank. She became a covert martyr and an enabler. 

To most I'm sure we looked like a normal family but behind closed doors there was just ongoing tension and deep anger and no real love and nurturing. I can remember (now, couldn't always) laying in bed about age 5 or 6 and being terrified of their fighting and of having it spill over onto us. And of course it did although I couldn't see all of it the way I can now.  There were the more obvious instances like being spanked really hard for embarrassing my M in front of a guest one day and put into a hot bath, to the not so obvious - the gaslighting and hoovering and all the behaviours of someone with NPD.   

Ooops, I'm back to PDs I see lol.  I learned to hate the smell of whiskey because I associate it with my F being drunk and a storm coming.  I am triggered by talking to anyone who has had a few drinks which made life as the spouse of someone in the military difficult and triggering as there is a lot of socializing involved. Despite this,  when my CPTSD symptoms overtook me about two years ago I turned to alcohol and came to see how much pain my F must have been in.  I was in so much pain and it was the only legal way of numbing myself.  It overtook me and became the problem.  I bottomed out but got some help and haven't returned to drinking nor do I crave it luckily for me.  The odd time when things have been really stressful I've caught myself thinking, "Having a couple of drinks would make this go away" but then I think about withdrawing and that puts a stop to that. 

I recently found a book which is the first one I've seen which associates being parented by an alcoholic with trauma (The ACOA Trauma Syndrome: The Impact of Childhood Pain on Adult Relationships).  This seems to me to be a huge step forward in that perhaps those who are ACOA's will identify as having livd with trauma rather than dysfunction and get the treatment they need.  I know that I only stumbled on CPTSD through learning about my M having NPD and a post which pointed me toward Pete Walker, but now I see how much my F's alcoholism contributed so much to its development. 

#552
Personality Disorder (Perpetrator) / Covert NPD Mother
September 19, 2015, 11:07:18 PM
I could just as easily put this under "religious abuse" because for my NPDM motherhood was her religion, she was its goddess, her bible was "The Book of The Good Mother," and we were her acolytes.  As I learned much later in life (but had known at some level all along), she was in fact a covert narcissist who fed her emotional needs by gathering accolades for being the good M. 

I was raised to keep her front and centre in my life, to worship her goodness (especially in front of others), and to never ever make her look bad; this was the most important commandment in her bible.  When I was younger I truly believed I deserved punishment for making her sad or angry, but that became more difficult as I got older and began to feel like something was really off. I was often angry at my M, but mothers are good aren't they? And mine certainly looked good.  Looking back I see a long trail of guilt and confusion on the one hand, and anger and sadness on the other. There was  always the question "Who was the problem?" Push and pull, push and pull.  I now understand that was a fight to survive (uphold my M's facade), and a fight to walk away from her "religion" to freedom. 

When I came across Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the light went on.  She is a covert N who fed on the adoration of friends and family for how good an mother she was.  But she hadn't been a good mother and that idea turned my world upside down or so it felt at the time.  It had taken a long time to let the idea surface into consciousness that she was abusive and neglectful, but my soul had known it all along.  To listen to my anger, to let it surface meant I was going against all that I had been taught and it was a really tough roller coaster ride over a year or so until coming to grips with the thought that it was her all along.

It was especially difficult to see it because she is a covert N and they are stealthy in their abuse and very good at gaslighting others. In what appeared to be a sea of plenty, I was malnourished, starving for the safety, sense of belonging, love and sense of self other children have when they are mothered in a healthy way. My NPDM had used the religion of "The Good Mother" to hold my soul captive, to abuse and control me with this belief. But she was not a good mother. That simple sentence threatened my sense of self more than anything else I have ever feared.  Seeing this truth straight on meant things would never be the same. 

It is no wonder it took decades to see the truth.  Through the eyes and heart of a child, the idea of losing your M is absolutely terrifying, losing the provider of all the necessities of life from food, clothing and protection to love, support, wisdom and guidance and a sense of belonging and self represents death, figuratively and as a young child would believe literally.  Despite knowing deep inside that something wasn't right with my M, I had to submerge that, blame myself and push myself to always try harder and maybe one day she would be the m other I needed and deserved. I remember a longing, this hope that one day she would actually become a good M. I wanted that so much, long into adulthood. All of that was integrated into who I am and so a lot of fear came before giving up on the hope and faith in ever having a mother.  For a while there was sense of loss, and of anger, sadness and emptiness. I think this must feel what it's like to walk away from your religious faith.

Today though I feel free, finally. I have more energy to fill up the empty spaces with things that nourish and sustain me, finally. Finally.
#553
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Today I achieved ..... Part 1
September 18, 2015, 08:26:47 PM
Setting up this thread  ;D
#554
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / MOVED: Hopelessness
September 14, 2015, 06:34:26 PM
This topic has been moved to Symptoms of CPTSD (Other than EFs).

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2047.0
#555
The Cafe / Favourite Quotes Part 2
September 10, 2015, 03:31:29 PM
This thread is a continuation of the thread "Favourite Quotes Part 1"
#556
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Today I realized that ...... (Part 2)
September 10, 2015, 03:27:29 PM
This thread is a continuation from Part 1.
#557
Questions/Suggestions/Comments / Forum for Discussion about Religion, Personal Philosophy?
September 09, 2015, 05:16:01 PM
In another thread Dutch Uncle indicated he would like to talk about how his FOO's religious beliefs were partly responsible for the development of his CPTSD. (See http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2278.msg14996#msg14996.)

Given that discussions of personal faith may be very delicate/disturbing for some, the Mod Team would like to know how members feel about this.  Please let us know below or PM one of us if you'd rather keep your opinion private.

Tks!
#558
Member Guidelines (PLEASE READ FIRST) / Guideline Reminder - Protecting Privacy
September 05, 2015, 05:40:24 PM
As you may know, from time to time we will post a guideline to remind members about something we see beginning to occur on the board.  This reminder is about protecting your privacy and that of others.  Obviously we are adults and you may choose to reveal personal information, but we strongly encourage you to avoid this wherever possible. 

Privacy

Protecting the confidentiality and privacy of members at OOTS is paramount to our members' sense of safety and community and we take this very seriously.  We cannot guarantee absolute privacy/ confidentiality because this is an online forum, but we will do as much as possible to protect members.  This includes encouraging you to protect your own privacy and that of other members.

Protecting your privacy - It is strongly recommended that you  do not use your real name and carefully consider posting any information, a user name, email address, avatar or photo which would allow others to recognize you and/or your family/friends.  Anyone may join this site including those who have perpetrated or been involved in your abuse.

Protecting the privacy of others - Members are also expected to respect the privacy of others and not to try to solicit personal information via posts on the board or PMs.  If the Moderation Team receives a complaint and/or sees a pattern of doing so the member will be warned and possibly banned.
#559
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Feeling like an Imposter (Part 2)
September 03, 2015, 06:01:42 PM
This is a continuation from the thread "Does anyone feel like an impostor sometimes?"
#560
Physical Issues / Neuro-immune Disorder - Fibromyalgia?
August 25, 2015, 03:53:02 PM
I'm curious if anyone here has an auto  neuro-immune disorder as I was in to see my GP yesterday for worsening arthritis symptoms, and she thinks I may have fibromyalgia or some other auto-immune disorder (on top of everything else - seriously?!   :blink:). 

I read up on it and sure enough I have a lot of the symptoms but attributed most of them to CPTSD - sensitivity to noise, light, sound and medications; sleep difficulties; cognitive fog and headaches; fatigue; and joint/ and muscle pain, etc. 

Anyway, if you have some info on your experience I'd appreciate hearing about it.  :yes:
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