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Hey Cascade, I honestly don't know for sure.  We could try it though.  If you want to block me and then let me know the link to you post I'll see if I can see it #1 and if I can reply #2.

I've never had anyone use the feature before so it would be good for me to know.  You can use my email in case for some reason it affects PMing too.  It's l.herod@yahoo.ca.

I'm quite torn at the moment between thinking we do need to remember and fill in the holes so there is a sense of coherence to our lives and an understanding about why we are the way we are, and not digging it all up because at my age (67) I'm just tired of the trauma.  I want to move forward and live without all of it hanging over me but I'm not sure I can do that.  It just seems appealing not to do any more looking backward, especially to areas of my life I don't have great recall.  I can't remember my teachers BTW, but I feel like at 67 that's OK.

Not a definitive answer I know Chaos but thought I'd chime in as someone who also wonders about remembering.

A lot of self-medicating is about numbing ourselves so we can keep the pain at bay or in your case get to sleep at night. Just my thoughts here of course but there are medications that will help and not cause you to develop liver disease. Maybe see your GP and have a frank conversation?   

The problem is if you haven't seen the second child/youth for years anything you bring up would likely not be taken with any credence by the CPS.

As for the autistic child (is she a child?), if you have concerns you could contact CPS and tell them  about her reaction and that you talked to the parents. The fact that they vaguely confirmed something is up gives you a bit more confirmation of a possible problem. 

It's never easy to say something when we think something might be going on. We are hesitant to get involved in other people's business and so many children are left to their fates. I personally don't think we should look the other way, but it takes social workers/police to take us seriously and check on the child's welfare.

Nope no reason to forgive IMO.  I feel like I would be doing younger me a complete bad if I did somehow.  I do understand that my parents went through a lot of trauma of their own but that does not mean they get to pass it on. At the very least each of us has to do our best to break the cycle.

I clearly have a lot of unresolved issues around death. My upset did not seem related to the deaths as such, but to my mother's attitude towards the sick and dying.

I know from things you have said or written about that your mother is an N and like most N's is quite dismissive of the pain and suffering of others.  Perhaps this is what this tapped into and what boiled up to the surface; that banal almost glib attitude towards anyone else's suffering including yours by your own mother.

I know from having an NM just how deep the hurt is and just how wrong their attitudes are, how much we are just an object to them and how little we count. Maybe little NK needs to smash a few plates (maybe not in the restaurant), and let that anger and grief go.

I am sorry regardless of the reason you are very out of sorts NarcKiddo, it seems like we have reached the bottom of the well and whoosh.

 

If you find a good therapist they will be concerned with how you feel about the character traits you have in place and whether or not they are of concern to you or not. At least that's how it should go if they are open to you being you. They may well ask why you are in therapy so you may want to have an answer to that ready.

Hey Cactus Flower, just wanted to bring this thread back to you and see if it has been helpful for the question you asked early on about admitting it happened?   

I agree this person may be willing to hear about how and why your CPTSD causes you to push them away when you feel threatened. That is what our symptoms do, they were meant to keep us safe but as we all find once we're out of real danger, they kick in anyway. As you found, it can be a friend getting too close to the truth that triggers us, we panic and it seems we cannot stop ourselves from pushing them away.

If it were me as your friend what would mean the most is a genuine apology and offer to listen to how it made them feel. If nothing else you can rest a bit easier knowing you've done your best to make things right. 

Good luck!

OK BecomingMe, I've added you to the private journal area. 

I so know that anger that flashes to the surface when the N pulls some sort of new manipulative behaviour - like sending money because they are lonely.  It overtakes us because most of us didn't get to express it and had to shove it down into deep dark places where it resides until something re-ignites it. 

I don't know if you've read Pete Walker's book "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" but he talks about our need to let ourselves be angry - yelling into/beating up a pillow, screaming in your car whilst driving alone, writing a letter that expresses your feelings, talking it through in therapy, ranting here too - anything that releases and defuels it. IMO the trick is to embrace that part of us with compassion and understanding that of course we are angry, and that underneath that is a lot of grief and sadness for what we went through. 

  

  It may be what's crumbling are the walls and defences you out in place long ago and that really is a scary feeling as a lot of us know.  It leaves you feeling vulnerable because the world you knew is going or gone. EMDR is designed to get the full brain working versus compartmentalizing the fear/pain/anger, etc that so many of us do to keep the abuse/neglect at bay. 

Anyway, a warm welcome. We are all here to talk to and I wish you all the best with your new T. I hope that helps you to feel the ground is becoming solid under you.   

No worries BB, it wasn't blunt and I know you well enough after all this time together to know how you write. That's the thing about friendship, you don't have to worry as much about how you sound because the other person knows your heart if that makes sense. 

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Scapegoat.  I too come from an N family and even though both my parent have passed I still suffer from the dysregulation you talk about whenever I have to deal with someone who is an N or a situation in which I feel like I am being made the scapegoat.

It does help I find to be here and share about what we went through and what we still struggle with, seems to defuel it more quickly when you know you're not alone.