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Hey Sweet Sixty - I just went shopping for a rollator (walker) yesterday and am feeling much, much older and worn down than my 59 years.  I have severe osteoarthritis in both knees and ongoing lower back pain that I only really started to grasp the significance of once I began to recover from CPTSD. 

It's the craziest thing. I was so in my head and battling all the emotional and cognitive stuff, I did not really see the physical deterioration, just managed it as we moved from place to place (my H was military), and never looked ahead to what would happen if I did not get on top of it. How did this happen?

C.P.T.S.D.  ...... that's what happened.   

So here I am having gotten through the worst of my CPTSD to a place where I am moving forward, clear headed and not battling demons on a daily basis. Except sadly I can't actually move forward very well anymore.  

Glass half full - I am clear headed enough now that my GP and I are doing all the things we need to to get on top of this including appts to discuss surgery and in the short term getting a good walker, physio, etc. 

Onward (with a little help from my wheeled friend).

So even "weird dreams" as you call them can be a functional part of recovery. If they bring anger, that's wanting to be there, not as a mask but a mirror reflecting a genuine need. It only sounds contradictory; it seems unpleasant, almost insane, to think this can be good.

I agree with Woodsgnome Arpy.  I think the way out of the muck and mire is through processing and integrating the pain and trauma rather than stuffing it, dissociating and all the other things we do or did to keep ourselves safe. Dreaming is you opening that door to the past more fully because you're ready, and it's bound to feel quite overwhelming, at least initially.   

FWIW as I moved into full recovery mode I had really intense dreams in which I was always alone, afraid, hopeless, angry ...all that you'd expect after so much trauma.  Over time this has shifted into dreams in which I have lots of people around me and I am doing more normal things, occasionally I even have a good dream now. 

So here's to plowing through the truly tough stuff and emerging out the other side, it is hard but so very worth it imo

Glad to hear you're making progress SS!   

It's great to revive old topics Laynelove.  Glad to hear you are managing your social anxiety, it can be a tough one.  I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder too and in addition to therapy for CPTSD, I did an online CBT course specifically for SA and also spent some time at the SAS online forum, both of which really helped. 

All the best in your recovery from SA     

Here are some resources about parenting and trauma to explore.  If you have any to add please post them in this thread or PM me - tks!

• Parenting as a Survivor- Article from The Mama Bear Affect, a site for and about survivors of childhood sexual abuse
• Hand in Hand Parenting - Lots of great resources at this site regarding positive, healthy parenting
• Parenting with PTSD: Building Trauma Informed Families - https://parentingwithptsd.wordpress.com/
• A Love Letter to Cycle Breaking Heroes - http://www.motherhoodandmore.com/2015/12/a-love-letter-to-the-cycle-breakers.html
• Parenting with PTSD - https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/traumaptsdblog/parenting-with-ptsd-trauma-ptsd
• 10 Things I've Learned About Parenting with PTSD - https://themighty.com/2017/08/things-ive-learned-about-parenting-with-ptsd/
• Talking to Kids about Personality Disorders - http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/TalkingToKids.html
• Parallel Parenting - http://www.outofthefog.net/SeparatingAndDivorcing/ParallelParenting.html
• Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome - http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/ParentalAlienationSyndrome.html

It really is unbelievable (and downright scary) how trauma affects us so completely, not just psychologically but physiologically and neurologically.  It's a good reminder that we're not just healing our hearts, but the whole of our selves. 

Thanks for the resources SweetSixty, nice to be reminded and to have more helpful info in that regard.   

  woodsgnome

  Blues

Yes, it really is hard work and so so frustrating! 

FWIW I think grieving our losses, being angry and resentful is exactly what we need to do Blues, it's a huge part of processing the trauma if "The Book" is correct    Our losses are so great and it is a big part of who we are as people. Maybe though it becomes more and more a part of us rather than a old big ball of pain and regret that sits in our chest or stomach eating away at us.  We shrink it and blend it into the mix when we let ourselves feel the anger and resentment, acknowledge it, validate it, and comfort ourselves.

But it is a long path I agree     Walker talks about looking back at where you were and where you are and I find that helps enormously on 'those' days.  The baby steps do add up. 

I just went really slowly Trace and tried as much as possible to make every trip include something positive, however small. At first it was short little drives (where we live is beautiful and I love going for drives), so that was very pleasurable and no intereaction or triggers from other people.  Then we moved to longer drives, eventually including sitting out on a patio having a tea, then lunch, then longer outings always doing something fun in the time we were out.

It was a series of baby steps, all positive just so I felt the world was a better place than my fears would have me believe, that it was okay to stop hiding in the closet (which at one point I was actually doing things were that bad).  I've written quite a lot about this in past posts, but it was delibrately enticing my IC to come out of hiding and calming the ICritic by doing positive things out, so that I looked forward to going out rather than with a sense of dread that seemed to do the trick.

So that was the emotional part, in terms of thinking my way out of that closet I kept Walker's story about having difficulty going to put the garbage out lest his kindly, always postive neighbour  see him at his most vulnerable uppermost in my mind becasue that was exactly what I was feeling. Because he did recover it gave me a huge sense of hope.  In part he did so by working through the emotions of his trauma and being kind to himself, and in part by trying to change his mind (Inner Child's mind?) about the fear.  He is a bit of hero to me you can probably tell lol, but truly I thought of that whenever I felt the fear rise up, and just considered the possibility that maybe my thinking was off because of what I had grown up with, that I needed to try and (slowly) think differently about what made me afraid (as in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). Eventually, I did an online CBT course once I got my feet back under me enough to get thru one and that helped a lot because it was for Social Anxiety specifically. 

Anyway, doing the two things together, making going out a positive experience emotionally and questioning my fears slowly, bit by bit is what seemed to help me get out of the house and feel more at ease with doing so.

Hope something in this is helpful 




   

    and     Arpy, you did do good 

Pfff... Today I feel drained.
Watching an episodes of "a Touch of Frost', a detective series. Cried my eyes out when Jack Frost stepped up to defend an fellow (subordinate) detective being wrongful accused of a crime (drug addiction), by the most senior officer, while at the time being in a coma in an Intensive Care Unit after he got beaten up in a public lavatory while on duty.

People standing up for the character of their fellow human beings, even when it might cost them their career/standing... Good grief, few of those around.

Same episode Jack Frost is confronted with a lovely 18 year old girl thinking he's her father. Jack finds out, after a while, she's not. He doubts if he wants to/should tell her. He does. Both express, at their goodbye: "You would have been the perfect choice for a dad/ you would have been a great daughter to have. Please stay in touch."
Had me burst in tears again.

Of course it brought tears Dutch, of course -    It's all we have wanted and longed for but could not have, not from our parents at least.  I am starting to see though that those people are out there and moreover, that I am that kind of person in spite of or maybe because of having CPTSD.  And that is going a very long way to filling that big, aching hole in my heart. 

I want more money ...proper money..and i want to do something with my life which is why i want a job.

  Indigo, here's to having compassion and wanting things for yourself, I suspect that will do a lot to quiet your ghost M's voice.   

Blah indeed Blues  I had a really unsettling dream last night and not only was my NPDM in it,  but my NPDM-I-L too.  A gawd awful way to start the day but based on the feelings of hopelessness, anger, of being trapped that came back I am reminded that I did not conjure up CPTSD. 

I hate that I still have dreams like this after coming so far in recovery. Glass half full though, if they were both in the dream maybe it means that I can handle it now, the two of them at once I mean.  Also the feelings in my dream were not as intense as they used to be and it took less time to shake them off when I woke up so I think (hope) Pete Walker is correct when he suggests that as we recover and process the memories they loose steam, become less intense and frequent. I am finding that does seem to be what is is happening.

My preference though would be to rip the bandaid right off and get this over and done with so I hear you 

Hi Sweet Sixty - haven't 'seen' you in a while - welcome back!