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Triggers refer to posts that are overly graphic such as describing in great deal the abuse you suffered rather than using general terms and then talking about how it made you feel which is the crux of why we're here basically.  It can be difficult to know when something is near to or crosses the line (which isn't cast in concrete, the line I mean, it's more a matter of considerate judgement on the member's part), thus if you think something might be triggering, we ask that you reword it or add a trigger warning.  This allows members who are struggling with similar issues to choose whether or not to read the post. 

Similarly, the guidelines as a whole are intended to help this community be as safe as possible given that everyone here suffers from CPTSD. We all need to as safe as possible and to know that others will be considerate, encouraging and supportive in our journey to recovery. 

Certainly you are most welcome to just read for a while and in doing so you may see that the guidelines are actually helpful for you in your recovery and chose to post at some point. 

Welcome to OOTS!

Wow, what a great thread everyone, this certainly got some good discussion going!   

A couple of things:

Fake questions - glad to know what this is now, you had used the term elsewhere DU and I wasn't quite sure what it meant. 

Emoticons - just a suggestion, no "approved" ones   

Symbols Mash  - In addition to the posts here, I've had a couple of PMs suggesting members are fine with this but not swearing outright or using F**** in place of, so I think basically we're onside as a community about this. I am going to edit the Guidelines to reflect this, but please feel free to carry on with the discussion and if other ideas come up we can consider them. 

Good feedback tks DU and MD.

I'll leave this open for a bit in case anyone else wants to weigh in.

A filter has been added to replace offensive words with an *. However, if a word slips by please report the post and it will be edited accordingly.

It's unclear for me if this means that replacing one or more letters from a swear-word is OK to do? Or is that still considered swearing?

Typing any form of a swear word is not acceptable "f***" or  "f**k" for example. The filter will pick up most full swear words and replace them with an "*" but it will not pick up  "f***" or  "f**k" so these are what may slip by (or swear words that are not in the filter).

Those who want to express anger or frustration may want to consider using one of the angry emoticons instead, for example:

Is typing #%&! considered an emoticon or swearing?

Good question Dutch, and your reason for asking it is a reasonable one.  To my mind  "&*^%" represents swearing to most of us, but as to whether or not it's offensive I'm not sure.  so let's see what others have to say. 

Is "*&^%" an acceptable form of swearing or not? Speaking up is a "good" thing so please weigh in

A number of members have said that swearing is very triggering for them given that many suffered from CSA and/or emotional abuse in which offensive, demeaning sexually explicit language was used.  As such, we have instituted a new Member Guideline as follows:

Swearing is not permitted because it is triggering and offensive for many of our members who have suffered from CSA and/or physical/emotional abuse which involved aggressive, threatening and/or demeaning language so please be considerate.

A filter has been added to replace offensive words with an *. However, if a word slips by please report the post and it will be edited accordingly. 

Those who want to express anger or frustration may want to consider using one of the angry emoticons instead, for example: 

 

Hi Anne - FWIW I think it's wonderful that you are honouring your feelings about not wanting to endure a trip because of guilt    It sounds like you are putting yourself first and that looks like great self-care and recovery to me 

I have been finding the days a bit long and I just realized it's because I can't float away into my cocoon as much as I used to (which tells me how often I was gone throughout most of my life - yikes).  It's like I don't quite know what to do yet with longer periods of being present - takes some getting used to I guess.   

Kayfly, I don't think acceptance or forgiveness or whatever we choose to call it can be forced, there is just too much wrong that simply can't be righted. Allowing ourselves to anger and grieve about that, to howl at the sky in pain seems to be what we need to do if Pete Walker is anything to go by.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, for me that subsided and made room for other things, better things.

FWIW, I don't think you are at the beginning of healing, you sound like you are well into it.  For many of us, getting to that raw pain can take a long time because we are so adept at distancing ourselves from it, dissociating, etc.   You're not doing that so hold onto that thought, you are letting all that trauma begin to surface and that's a huge step forward (and boy do you deserve a back rub  )

Kayfly, thanks for the link, I really enjoyed it.  So true when he suggests that "hurt people hurt people" and once you realize that, acceptance seems to settle in which does make space I agree WoodsGnome, room in our souls.  I would not have even considered this two or three years ago and yet it has happened without my even looking for it. 

There is much to grieve Kayfly and it is incredibly hard, harder than almost anything to let go of the wish that our parents would be who we deserve them to be.  Eventually the tears slow and you do come out the other side.  Until then     

I told a cousin who revealed to me that her F had molested her as a child, thinking I would be safe and well received.  Not so much!  She loves my covert NPDM and since telling her I have not heard much if anything from her although I know my M has. She is one of my M's "good" or honorary daughters (my M has several), so I guess she does not want to give up her place in the Flying Monkey cadre.  Blah     

I suspect we're one of the remaining few populations that are still pretty much in the closet so to speak.  Maybe we need a celebrity poster child. I've been watching "I am Cait" which is about Bruce Jenner transitioning from male to female, and the power of a well known person going through something big like that to raise awareness is tremendous.   

Bee writes:

I have forgotten entire family vacations(even that I have been to certain places).

Years ago I tried making a timeline as Kizzie suggested. It was even harder than I thought it would be, and I didn't like seeing evidence of how much I don't remember. When I don't try to pin down memories I can pretend that I remember more than I do.

It's hard to know what is normal though. How much does someone remember who doesn't have cPTSD?

I too am embarrassed when I forget big things like entire vacations until I am reminded and bit by bit I can reconstruct the memory. It's hazy though, like I was living in a fog and I guess I was.  Part of me at least was submerged, cocooned and I hate the thought that I have missed so much. My H on the other hand can remember the smallest details even what he was wearing on a certain day when he was a kid, all the details from any event, any year.  It's like I can't even remember decades clearly so we (those of us with CPTSD) are quite adept at dissociating I would say. 

Lately I've been remembering more I think because I have more access to more parts of me that I kept separate before, like I am beginning to integrate as I recover.  I am also dreaming quite a bit about people from my past, people I haven't thought of in a long time.  It doesn't seem as emotional as it would have before. In the past a memory of anything from the past, even something non consequential would cause this big amalgam of fear and shame and I would suppress it. I guess I'm able to look more realistically now, whereas for a long time I was still seeing things through my IC's eyes I suspect, that's what it feels like anyway.

Hi SadieMist - thanks for the link! 

I just wanted to note that this DB is for T's who use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).  You need to ensure that the T has specialized training in Complex PTSD as most have training in treating PTSD which is somewhat different. (That said, many of us have both PTSD and CPTSD, so if that's the case just ensure your T can treat both in an appropriate manner using EMDR). 

Hi NyxBean:  Sorry I'm not from Scotland, but can offer some info regarding therapy in general.  if you have a look at Pete Walker's site you'll see that he recommends relational therapy (this is in addition to CBT which he talks about in his book).  See http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/relationalHealingComplexPTSD.pdf. 

I do have a book (sorry, educational again but that is my field  ) I can recommend although I'm not all that far into it myself - so far so good though.  It's called "Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation by Boon, Steele & Vander Hart (2011).  Lots of skill exercises and strategies in this one (400 pages) and it's evidence based.

I'm no psychologist Trace but FWIW my understanding of dissociation, at least that which is fairly mild or moderate, is that although we may numb/distance part of our emotional selves our executive/manager self keeps working so that we are able to drive, cook, work, etc (although we may be somewhat foggy to greater or lesser degrees about having done these things).  Not ideal granted, but I doubt we are in great danger to ourselves or others (when dissociation is mild to moderate as it seems yours is), and that if some situation arose where our full attention was needed, we would be able to "snap back into ourselves."