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I recently wrote to my T that the more I am able to assist young people in their struggles, the more my inner child trusts me to rescue her also.  In a classic way, I was contacted yesterday by a young woman whom I mentored a while ago and helped enroll in college as one step toward freeing her from a family that had abandoned her.  Anyway, she got in touch and let me know how well she continues to do.  Several hours later, I got triggered by a situation at home that brought me in very close contact with my hurt inner child.  She needed for me to do for her what I routinely do for others.  I did my best, and then had to smile at the irony of the timing.

Recovering from cptsd and codependence is hard work.  But sometimes, there are breakthroughs.  The Universe appears to listen to my stories to my T and to my self talk and chooses opportunities to enter into the conversation. 

Hi-

I haven't posted in awhile, but am noticing myself reacting quite strongly to all of the reports of displaced refugees in Europe as well as the fires which are ravaging my home state. In my case, I distance myself from my fear with food.  Although I normally (and even now,somewhat) track my intake of food as well as my exercise to obtain balance I am certainly not eating in a controlled manner.  I am wanting to have self compassion since I recognize that I am being triggered, but self loathing is never far from view. 

I write to my therapist via email and she does provide support and acts as an anchoring presence, but of course the idea is to become my own anchor.

Thoughts?

Life has become very busy just now as I prepare to sell my home (taking advantage of the market peak), move to a nice rental duplex, and cope with a couple of difficult health issues at the same time.  I will be back online when I have more energy to give, and wish everyone all the best in the meanwhile.

I have suffered with psoriasis for over 50 years and only recently made the connection between this and cptsd.  My cptsd has other causes as well coming from my FOO but the amount of fear, shame, and depression that has been the result of psoriasis is certainly a contributing factor in the entire mix.  I remember having to lie face up on a table as a 4 year old, with at least 3 male doctors staring at my genital region (which was covered with psoriasis lesions).  This is one of my earliest medical memories and I still feel the horror and shame of it all.

Over the years my condition has gotten better, gone into remission, gotten worse and all without my knowing when one phase will stop and another begin.  It is horrible now and I am hoping for new medicine soon.

Hi-

I have noticed that sometimes (now, for instance) following a steep climb out of the land of triggers I develop apathy toward aspects of my daily life.  I was able to get through a panic attack early this morning, needed to come to terms with a family issue (with coaching from therapist via email), and even found a silver lining in the clouds at the end of the EF.  Now, however, I cannot seem to re engage with my "normal" life very well and find that Inwant to escape via any possible avenue.  Fortunately, I don't do alcohol any longer but overeating sure catches me and holds on tight.

I'm wondering whether anyone else has found this apathy and escapist tendency once an EF is over.

I am not on Facebook.  This is for two reasons. As a teacher, I simply don't want to even have to think about running the risk of having students peek into my private life nor do I want to refuse to "friend" high schoolers endlessly.  Second reason is that I'm an only child and am not really wanting to open my life up to far-away cousins for their amusement...I have felt very judged by my Father's side of the family for many years (and when my once-closest cousin told me my Father called me a "*" for not wanting to hang out with him....well that kind of cemented it).

Here is the problem:  the same cousin referenced above tried to call me yesterday and left no message other than that I needed to call back.  I think there is a death in the family.  His cell phone voicemail box is full so I can't leave a message for him...I feel disconnected and the not-knowing part of who may have passed away is stressing me out.  I'm sure the rest of the family, being on Facebook, knows what's happened. I hope cousin and I connect soon.

Finding a balance between privacy and availability is sure a tricky thing...

Hi-

Just processing a difficult thing and reaching out a bit here.  One of my former high school students was shot and killed at a party last weekend.  I did not know him as well as I have some kids but immediately recognized him as one of mine when his picture flashed on the television.  Too soon and too tragic a way for this young man to pass.  Such a violent world we live in.  I am at least glad that the Universe allows me to reach out and offer some support and encouragement to young folks each day.  It helps me feel better and eases the pain of such awful tragedies.

Thanks for letting me share.  Other than overindulging in food yesterday I am doing pretty well.  Just very sad.  Off to the gym now.

I am coming to terms with my depression and fighting it the best I can.  I survived an EF this past week having to do with my Mom's death anniversary - brought up guilt over the terrible nursing home she was in at the end of her life and then the stress over finances that endured for almost a year after she passed.  My T reminded me that I did the best I could for her with the knowledge I had at the time, and that is true.  I never intended for her to be in substandard conditions, it's just that it was our only option given the circumstances.  But still, it left a mark on me - only child and all, codependent, etc.

So I am finally aware that both my parents suffered from depression and I have been keeping mine under wraps.  My wife is now going through depression as a result of a physical injury that keeps her from working much and I'm sure that is influencing my mood.  I go to the gym ( big help), go to teach (another help), and today I will see my wonderful bodywork specialist, so looking forward to that.  Saw my T on Tuesday - hardly ever see her anymore as I am doing ok figuring out things for myself with email assistance from her.  It was good seeing her in person. 

I'm going to figure this out and move through it.  It just sucks at the moment.  Thanks for reading.

This is the first time I have gone through an anniversary of my Mother's death without alcohol, and it's not as bad as I had feared it would be.  I had a difficult and disorienting day yesterday but bounced back today and am excited to be running a road race tomorrow (Mother's Day) and celebrate recovery from codependence.  There is always more work to be done, but what a difference 3 years and daily self work has made!

Perhaps this will be cathartic for me as it appears to be for others.  I have journaled privately in an app on my ipad in the past, but will give this a try as well.

Several years into my recovery, I am uncovering some very rich material to do with my self concepts and "voices" I carry in my head.  My Dad, the critic, has been dead since 1982 but until very recently I allowed his insecurities and attacks on me to dictate how I talk to myself.  I only very recently understood the full implications of this upon my daily life, as well as the somatic symptoms Inhave manifest since birth.  For me, psoriasis and digestive issues have been constantly with me.  Yesterday, I read online that the mind/body connection between mood and psoriasis is thought to be linked via depression.  So, instead of feeling depressed I have given myself inflamed and itchy skin lesions.  Yay.  Among other things, Dad was very depressed - I guess that is the gift that kept on giving. 

To fast forward to an issue that is on my plate right now, I learned yesterday that a work assignment that I have devoted much time to over the course of the last 12 months has been undermined by higher-ups.  More specifically, a course I have been teaching and was asked to substantially revise (and which was co-written by a colleague and vetted by an outside panel of consultants) has not even been offered to students who may have been interested in signing up to take the class.  It is not exactly a conspiracy (I hope) but more an unintended consequence of many small incompetencies and poor decisions on the part of administrators (who are all new to the school and fumbling in the dark on this issue).  Nevertheless, unintended consequences are still hurtful.  So, I am left with the feeling of being discounted and abandoned and pretty undervalued.

I have to choose my response carefully, as this is a work situation.  I told my colleague that if the idea is to backfill my class at the last minute with kids who are uninterested and unprepared for the course, I will not teach it.  How much is up to me is unclear at this moment.  What is clear, though, is that I must give positive messages to myself.  My anxiety and depression are already kicking up and Incant afford for them to infect my home life.  My life partner is quite fragile, both physically and emotionally, and it is key to not bring tons of stress into her life.  Fortunately, we have a long weekend away planned which begins tomorrow.  This also happens to be Morher's Day and the 3rd anniversary of my Mother's death.  It was her passing that brought me into awareness of my codependency and Cptsd issues. 
I depend a great deal upon emails with my therapist in order to remain on an even keel.  I only get to see her once in a great while due to the small number of psychologists in my healthcare system.  It's been a few months now but I do have an appt for next week.  I feel overly dependent. I feel ridiculous and small.  I miss my Mother, but not the box I have kept myself in these past 56 years.

It's interesting and difficult emerging from the sea of inaccurate and damaging messages I have accepted for so long.  Perhaps it is symbolic that the place I am going for the weekend is well known as a spot that Monarch butterflies return to each year during part of their life cycle.  Perhaps I am coming out of the cocoon myself. 

Many of us have somatic issues, and as I read more about them I am learning that our minds kind of transplant difficulties that would otherwise overwhelm us emotionally and voila! we have pain in our bodies.  It's great knowing this, and terrific to lean into the pain rather than escaping, but I do wish I could find the "off" switch....

Just a little rant.  Thanks for letting me get it out.  Life is getting better all the time; I'm just wishing for a more linear route through the jungle.  But where would be the fun in that?

My Mother, with whom I had a good relationship, passed away on Mother's Day weekend 3 years ago.  She had several very debilitating strokes and I really had not had the true "her" for 8 plus years prior to her death.  Relationships are not ever easy - I discovered that I am  a codependent and have Cptsd follwing her death - but despite the unhealthy aspects of my growing up, I continue to miss her (at least the pre-stroked out version) and continue to grieve.  All of the commercialism around Mothers Day really hurts for me - a constant reminder of my loss - and I cannot wait for it to end.

This year, my wife and I are going to one of our favorite scenic places for the whole weekend.  It's not as if I will not be reminded of Mothers Day while away, but the beauty of the surroundings may ease the pain a bit.  So, I am at least making an attempt to take care of myself.

Here's a shoutout to any and all of you "Motherless Children" out there - whether due to circumstances beyond your control or because it is the choice you have had to make in order to heal.  Either way, the images of "picture perfect" families are jarring and can bring a sense of loss.

Hi everyone-

Safespaceradio.com is a wonderful resource full of podcasts featuring experts discussing a variety of mental health-related topics, many of which would be of interest to the forum community. The host, whose first name I believe is Anne, is herself a psychologist and seems well connected with current research into anxiety, grief, depression, child abuse, etc.

I have only recently discovered the site but wanted to recommend it as one more place for folks to find some food for thought and perhaps some soothing words.

Hey, gentle friends-

I am approaching the day with the idea that we can be as kind and loving to ourselves as we wish everyone had been and will be towards us.  I was ruminating over the poor self management I observe around me and realized that it really comes down to ME - I can focus on managing my own state and only that.  That is what constitutes self compassion for me on this day!

I had a stark reminder of my  inner critic's tenacity yesterday on the way home from my workout.  I realized I was very afraid that I would be yelled at or ridiculed by my spouse once I returned home - for absolutely no reason!  Probing further, I could feel the deep undercurrent of defectiveness that was permeating my thinking and drawing me into a defensive and depressed state of mind.  I did try countering it, and it loosened up for awhile.  The day progressed, and later the monster returned.  I read through some of the recent forum posts about ways people look at the critic - try to shout it down, etc.  I went to another site and got kind of a Buddhist perspective on applying loving kindness to this harsh voice.  The Buddhist site said that just being able to notice the voice means I have progressed from actually BEING the voice, so that at least felt good. 

Later, laying in bed, I felt the butterflies in my stomach which I have come to learn is a message from my  inner child.  I asked what was wrong, and really got no answer.  But, for the first time ever, I could actually picture me as a toddler (pretty cute!) and sent her support.  I remembered that the critic did serve to protect the child from harm at one point - attempting, at least, to change behavior so that she didn't get into trouble just for being a child.  Given what I know today, it absolutely makes sense that I hated being a child.  I have surprised myself as an adult in that I actually enjoy being with children.....didn't think that would happen.  In any case, I tried thanking both the child and the critic for communicating with adult me.  I will keep at this tedious process (sigh).

I awoke still feeling low- not wanting to have to work so hard just to be me, in this moment, alive and functioning.  Knowing that part of yesterday's toll was overeating in an attempt to not feel so many things.  However, here I am, smack in the middle of my life.  Inner critic, inner child, adult me - all of us together.  My lovely therapist tells me that it is times like this when my self-compassion needs to kick into high gear.  Good advice, somewhat challenging to follow.

BTW - the Buddhist site I found is at wildmind.org.  A writing from April 23rd is entitled, "Forgive yourself."  I will study and work with it.  Maybe someone else could benefit as well.

Peace to you all.

I  am usually pretty resilient and upbeat in my posts, but last night was a very difficult one for me and I could use some support.  I found myself becoming more fearful as the evening wore on, and not really inhabiting my own skin. I am not one who has many visual memories of abuse, but a really vivid one is of being struck hard across the face by my Dad at dinner when I had a friend eating dinner with us.  I remember not even knowing what I had done wrong, and being so confused.  Dad was the nicest guy ever in most peoples' eyes and was fun for us at home a lot of the time.  The rest of the time, he was a moody and morose person.  I was afraid of him a lot of the time.  I think some of the reason I don't remember physical violence is that it took place before I was able to form words.  I read somewhere that if you are hurt when you are really small, there are no pictures in your head to go with the abuse.

I feel guilty because others sound as if they had much more to contend with, but what I have and what I feel are my own and if I am just more sensitive than someone else I guess that is ok.  Anyway, I identified that I was having fear of being hit or struck last night and it really threw me for a loop.  Nobody hits me now - my partner is not like that.  Maybe this came up because I am doing more work on my triggers and am more aware of stuff I once ignored or let go.  I was truly terrified while trying to sleep.  A bit better now, but am still not back to "normal" and have awful G.I. symptoms going on.  Ugh.

Thanks for letting me get this out.  I expect it will help.

JDog

Hi all-

It's been a tough week for me.  As an advisor to a high school Gay Straight Alliance (GSA), I help organize our annual participation in the "Day of Silence", which involves kids who want to take a stand in support of LGBTQA individuals who have experienced harm or been killed.  The students protest by remaining silent throughout the school day, and many choose to wear rainbow ribbons.  It is a very moving show of respect.

For me, the preparation and actual commemoration is hugely EF producing, as I experienced bullying as a young person and even within my profession due to my identity.  It is worth the pain, however, as the young people get to show that they are caring individuals who won't stand for intolerance.

So, I'm swallowing my pain and feel glad to make a small difference in some lives. 

My spouse and I just returned from dinner at the home of another couple and I had one of those experiences where I felt as though the other three were engaging perfectly in conversation while I was enclosed in a bubble, unable to find the rhythm which it seemed they all knew how to follow. I felt like a little kid at the big people's table.....and the more time that passed the less able I was to find a handle to grab onto.  This morphed into feeling sure that the others were seeing me this way as well.

But as we were leaving, our hosts embraced me warmly and I realized that it was likely fine that I wasn't very talkative.  Perhaps others didn't even think much about it.  Darned inner critic.  It will take lots of practice to learn to relax in situations where others are being more social than me without letting the critical voices in my head be prominent.  I think I am suddenly at a point of noticing this since I recently stopped drinking alcohol.  Better times ahead, most likely.

Hi all-

I just returned from a short vacation and experienced insomnia last night.  It wasn't a panic attack kind of insomnia, more like a time when my brain was going several directions at once but with happy feelings. I decided to delve more into the center of this "busyness" and asked the age-old existential question "Who am I, really?"  Wow- out came a series of things related to heartfelt beliefs from childhood to the present day - a friend, a wife, a violinist (not for awhile though), a runner, etc. 

Here's the thing it came down to:  I have spent most of my life identifying with people, causes, belief systems, even musical performance and participation for the purpose of finding a safe spot where I can rest and belong.  That is what my inner child/gut told me - I have tried to "be" all of these things because I did not feel adequate or safe in my inner self.  Until I truly and deeply know that I am perfect just as I am - without achievements, friends, decoration of any kind on the barebones of my soul - none of these "tricks" will work to get me safely home.  I am hoping that internalizing this message from myself will help me sort through some guilt and shame I carry with me (usually drown it out with the noise of my so-called normal life). 

I would truly like to get to the point of doing the right things for the right reasons - because I love doing them rather than because I feel I must do them to be whole.  Internalizing "I am already enough" and "I am safe" seems like such a daily commitment and I hope that it pays off....

I was bullied by other children and by my own Father as a kid, and have experienced bullying by other adults on my job.  I am also a high school teacher, and guess what - some of my students (shocking, I know) are bullies.  I sit on an anti-bullying task force within my school district, help kids at my school who are targets, etc.  All this by way of saying that bullying is front and center on my radar.

Last night, I was very tired but trying to do some grading anyway.  I felt myself begin to go into an EF - began overeating, almost called my wife "Mom"  (glad I caught that one) and finally went to bed.  I awoke a few minutes ago with a familiar scared feeling in my stomach - the onset of a panic attack.  I decided to try something new - began talking to inner child.  I asked her what was wrong - what she was afraid of.  Immediately, the image of one of my students came into my head - a boy who is clearly troubled.  I hadn't thought about it this way before, but he is the type of kid that terrorized me when I was younger.  I asked inner child whether she was afraid of this bully....she nodded.....and the feeling of panic subsided.  Very interesting.  I guess perhaps one way of looking at my work in schools is as a way of connecting with myself and healing some wounds - at least being attentive to the triggers and acknowledging them.

Don't know whether this may help anyone else, but it was something new for me so thought I might share.