I was relieved to read the discussions about problems with self referencing on another thread, as they put me right where I need to be in my own healing at the moment. I have been thinking about my Mom a lot lately - passed away nearly 3 years ago - missing her very much. We all truly do our best in life, and she was no exception but our relationship was very codependent and some of my earliest memories were of her talking to others about me and for me without giving me either the need of a chance to talk for myself. I was her little showpiece to the world and at the same time was a sure source of displeasure and agony to my Father. Very confusing way to grow up, and one which often left me wondering what I should be doing or thinking at any given time since the treatment I received at home was so very uneven.
So here I am, 56 years old and trying to grow up. Trying to know what I actually feel about things and then practicing acceptance once I determine what those feelings are. It does not help to be living with my same-sex spouse who has almost no ability in the self referencing department and whom relies upon me as her rock at all times (even when I am tired or feel like crap). I do love her very much but it's a lot of pressure just learning to be the real "me" let alone being someone else's constant source of good feelings.
In any case, I have made a small amount of progress recently by becoming aware of my extreme reliance upon the email contact with my t for validation of my reality. I wrote to her yesterday and told her of this new awareness. I also chose to take a couple of sick days this week as I have a cold and am a teacher of very demanding 9th graders who require that I be on top of my game. Luckily, I have an excellent student teacher this year who can step in at times like this (a true blessing).
Taking time to check in with myself - inner child as well as the adult me - to learn what I truly need and not running from those needs is a new thing. It's really hard. Self validation is going to take practice, but I am sure it will be more than worth the effort in the end.
So here I am, 56 years old and trying to grow up. Trying to know what I actually feel about things and then practicing acceptance once I determine what those feelings are. It does not help to be living with my same-sex spouse who has almost no ability in the self referencing department and whom relies upon me as her rock at all times (even when I am tired or feel like crap). I do love her very much but it's a lot of pressure just learning to be the real "me" let alone being someone else's constant source of good feelings.
In any case, I have made a small amount of progress recently by becoming aware of my extreme reliance upon the email contact with my t for validation of my reality. I wrote to her yesterday and told her of this new awareness. I also chose to take a couple of sick days this week as I have a cold and am a teacher of very demanding 9th graders who require that I be on top of my game. Luckily, I have an excellent student teacher this year who can step in at times like this (a true blessing).
Taking time to check in with myself - inner child as well as the adult me - to learn what I truly need and not running from those needs is a new thing. It's really hard. Self validation is going to take practice, but I am sure it will be more than worth the effort in the end.