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Topics - Jdog

#41
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Hungry Heart
March 23, 2015, 05:58:33 PM
I was relieved to read the discussions about problems with self referencing on another thread, as they put me right where I need to be in my own healing at the moment.  I have been thinking about my Mom a lot lately - passed away nearly 3 years ago - missing her very much.  We all truly do our best in life, and she was no exception but our relationship was very codependent and some of my earliest memories were of her talking to others about me and for me without giving me either the need of a chance to talk for myself.  I was her little showpiece to the world and at the same time was a sure source of displeasure and agony to my Father.  Very confusing way to grow up, and one which often left me wondering what I should be doing or thinking at any given time since the treatment I received at home was so very uneven. 

So here I am, 56 years old and trying to grow up.  Trying to know what I actually feel about things and then practicing acceptance once I determine what those feelings are.  It does not help to be living with my same-sex spouse who has almost no ability in the self referencing department and whom relies upon me as her rock at all times (even when I am tired or feel like crap).  I do love her very much but it's a lot of pressure just learning to be the real "me" let alone being someone else's constant source of good feelings. 

In any case, I have made a small amount of progress recently by becoming aware of my extreme reliance upon the email contact with my t for validation of my reality.  I wrote to her yesterday and told her of this new awareness.  I also chose to take a couple of sick days this week as I have a cold and am a teacher of very demanding 9th graders who require that I be on top of my game.  Luckily, I have an excellent student teacher this year who can step in at times like this (a true blessing).

Taking time to check in with myself - inner child as well as the adult me - to learn what I truly need and not running from those needs is a new thing.  It's really hard.  Self validation is going to take practice, but I am sure it will be more than worth the effort in the end.
#42
Hi all-

I have been aware of my Cptsd and working on recovery daily for about 2 1/2 years now, and can see that I am making progress.  One thing that still is problematic is my tendency to feel undeserving of the victories in my life.  When I do something about which I feel some sense of pride, I jump almost immediately into some form of self-sabotage.  My favorite method at the moment is overeating, and though I am very fit and work out daily I can certainly out eat the calories burned and wind up miserable.  I look at the scales and see the proof that I am, indeed, defective.  These are the times when I most need self compassion, and ironically are the times I most deny that very kindness to myself.

Do others go through this as well?  I am not sure why successes such a trigger for me but perhaps my lifelong tendency to overachieve and yet never feel "enough" is part of this cycle.  In any case, I am very tired of it and want to set myself free from this destructive habit of mind.
#43
Successes, Progress? / What recovery feels like
March 15, 2015, 02:36:41 AM
I think this is what recovery feels like.  Today, I went to a weekend workshop for which I had signed up online, using a code I was given by a co-teacher.  Something went wrong in the system, and when I arrived at the workshop site there was no name tag for me and no record that I had signed up.  The woman in charge of sign-in told me not to worry about it and to go ahead and go to the sessions I had wanted to attend.  I felt like crap - wanted to hide, had a total EF brought on by abandonment issues (which got triggered by something unrelated last night also).  I walked around, trying not to make eye contact with anyone ( I didn't have a name tag and they all did have them).  I took a deep breath and noticed that some people had hand-written tags on.  After a few minutes, I made my way back to the registration table and told the woman there that I might as well make a name tag (would have been nice had she pointed out that option earlier,but never mind). 

I started feeling better, the fog in my head started to lift.  My co-teacher showed up and Imtold him what happened, and he had righteous anger over the mistake.  We went into the opening session to hear he keynote speaker.  The speaker was one of my personal heroes - a woman I had worked to elect to the state assembly who went on to become the first (and only) female Chief of Education in our state.  Now retired, she was speaking out as an advocate for school gardens.  I felt better yet.  After the address, I attended a smaller session during which she answered questions from the attendees.  I didn't really have a question, but at the very end of her session I raised my hand and told her how grateful I was to have been able to play a small part in her election to the Assembly in 1986, and how proud I am of the fine work she has done and continues to do for the citizens in California.  I went up afterwords and gave her a hug.  My hero told me that she was glad I am teaching at-risk high schoolers.

The day kept getting better.  I met some truly wonderful people, got new ideas for my program, and even had several people thank me for helping them with different things. 

Tomorrow, I hope to set a PR in a half marathon I am running.  If not, I at least plan to feel satisfied that I once again tried something difficult without quitting or backing away from discomfort.

Some days are harder than others, but I am pretty sure that this is what recovery feels like!
#44
Family / Finding Me Without Losing The Rest
March 12, 2015, 03:46:25 AM
I disliked being a child- felt powerless, unguided most of the time, usually thought that my parents had no clue what they were doing (despite mostly good intentions, Dad was an alcoholic and hated being a Dad and Mom was depressed and formed a codependent relationship with me)- and now I am realizing that my IC has been needing me for so long.  She tries to get my attention, often via intense stomach pain.  Only today -  18 months after knowing  about my  CPTSD - have I finally begun a dialogue with her.  I have read the excellent suggestions made by others in the IC part of this forum.  Not sure I am quite ready to do a much as others in this way but am at least acknowledging the little girl who never really felt heard and had to take on grown up problems instead of just being a kid.

I don't want to make this about others in my life today, as I can't contol them or their reactions to me.  Like many, I have attachments that don't always fit a standard model of relationships.  Many work just fine, and I'm not looking to get rid of my primary relationship even though it is a ton of work.  So here's the point:  I am trying to soothe my IC while remaining the capable adult that shows up most days.  Shouldn't be a problem for a codependent, overachieving, middle aged lesbian teacher, right?

Good thing I have a terrific t, good health, and finally quit drinking (helped some of my intestinal issues a lot).  I'm glad to have found you all.  Thanks for reading.
#45
Hi -

I am very pleased to have found this resource.  My Cptsd came to light following the death of my Mother nearly 3 years ago.  I had one of those "out of the blue" breakdowns and began seeing the therapist who had helped me during the time Mom was needing more care and becoming more disabled due to multiple strokes.  Once she was gone, my codependence more truly revealed itself and through research I found Pete Walker's great website and figured out that the Cptsd was underlying the codependence.  I am doing much better now, though as my T says, "the commitment is daily" and Just as others do I wrestle with demons.  In addition to journaling and emailing my T nearly daily, I run a lot and running is a HUGE help in self regulation.  I'm up early this morning preparing for a seven mile race, have a half marathon in a week, and am building to a marathon at the end of the year (second one).  The discipline and movement keep me calmer and more focused.

Well, that's about it....I'm sure I will have many occasions to post in future.  Thanks again, and I send good wishes to each one of you in your amazing journeys! ;)