Messages

Kizzie-

I am so sorry you are having to cope with both H's distress and your own,  past and present.  I very much understand what it is like living with an angry person.  I admire the way in which you aren't working with the situation at home, getting H to see how you feel, working with him to be able to uncover his own feelings.

You once again lead by example.  Thank you for sharing this very hard situation.  Sending love and compassion as things calm down and begin to heal.

Boats-

I like your overlays, as they seem a great way to counter those negative inner voices.  I had a situation over the weekend in which something foolish which I did was made to seem like the worst transgression of all time, and I just kept telling myself, "You are enough.  You deserve great things in life."  Along with other tools, it really helped.

Deep Blue-

As a fellow high school teacher, I can imagine how awful it must have been having all the staff and principal yelling in what sounds like an awful meeting.  You have already been through so much this year and this is an unexpected and unpleasant thing made doubly so by all that has come before.....

I want to echo the idea that seeing students may be just the right thing to dispel these icky feelings. Let's keep that foremost in our minds.  And I will not mind at all if you have to step back from this site.  Take care of you.

My hope is that will happen for you as well, DB.  Sending warm thoughts 

Please excuse my typo in the earlier reply.  I meant good therapist! LOL....at myself.

Anjulie-

Glad to have you back, and it's great to hear you have a goodness's therapist!

Oh, you are all such kind and dear people.  Thank you so very much for sharing your experiences of losing things and dealing with the panic that follows. 

Bach:  There is a Buddhist center in my town and I was browsing their website, and that is where I found the recovery groups.  If you are near any such centers, perhaps they offer something along these lines.  Also, try Googling the words "Refuge Recovery".  That is the title of a book by Noah Levine as well as a type of group that is available in some cities.  Many people attend these meetings as they are becoming sober from various addictions.  In my case, I am using the resource to deal with pain I never sorted  through even once I stopped drinking a few years ago.  Nobody cares why you attend groups, it turns out.  Everyone is there in humility and accepts others as they are - at least that is my experience.  There is also a 12 Step group that follows Buddhist principles and does meditation.

Woodsgnome- you are good to remember that I like Tara Brach.  I appreciate your poetic idea that my anxiety may blow away like wisps of smoke......that pernicious anxiety is a doozy at times.  But my new meds are beginning to help, I think.

Everyone - thanks so much!  What great supporters you are!   

Tee and Notalone-

that really helps!  Notalone, your screen name is perfect.  I don't feel alone, now that you have shared your story,

I am dedicated to becoming more mindful, less reactive to my racing thoughts, and so forth.  In conjunction with this, I recently began attending several recovery groups which espouse Buddhist principles and practice insight meditation as part of an approach toward attaining sobriety.  In my case, it is emotional sobriety since I have not consumed alcohol in 4 1/2 years.  I have also recently started taking an SSRI, having been diagnosed with GAD.

Still, the mind is a tricky place.  Yesterday, while in a very public setting, I suddenly became convinced I had lost my keys and went on a frantic search in this rather large and well populated place.  I asked for help at the main office, gave my name and phone number, and called my spouse as she has the extra set of keys to my car, which was parked at this place.  Only after 45 minutes or so did I do a more systematic search of my purse and THERE THEY WERE in a normally unused pocket of my purse.  Gulp.  Shame, embarrassment, etc.  My spouse has already been wary of me of late due to several episodes of upset between us, and this did nothing to make things better.  At least I was able to call her before she arrived and she turned back around and went back to what she had been doing.

I did have a better rest of my day.  And ended it at a meeting with others who are overcoming various states of vulnerability and shame, which provided peace.

Anxiety is a mountain of awfulness.

Me too, Hope.  I just encountered shame this very evening.  It was related to some teasing that I did which backfired, and I got pulled back to being a child that was teased constantly and felt the pain from both sides of the situation.  It is like I was taking on the shame that should have belonged to my father as well as the shame I felt being teased since I was helpless.  And on top of it all, the shame right now of having teased my partner in a way which hurt her (although it was not my intent at all). 

Ugh.  I guess we all have this.  I am learning to sit with it a little bit.  I am learning to tell myself I am enough and I deserve good things to happen in life.  That helps a little bit. 

Take care, Hope.

Oh no - so sorry for this additional loss of your student.  I stand with you in mourning this person as well as the lives lost to the senseless mass shooting.  These are very trying times.   

Deep Blue:

Thanks for the kind words, friend.  Yes, it may take a few weeks to notice a difference and I will work with my doc to see if we have the correct dosage.  Given how awful things are in America now, it would not surprise me if half of us need an SSRI!!

Tee/

Thanks.  I do truly believe that my own recovery, which will be ongoing, will substantially help me in staying grounded.  That, in turn, will be all I can do or maybe need to do to keep my relationship afloat.

Blue!

Oh my gosh I am so sorry this happened, and that you couldn't seek comfort from your spouse.  For what it's worth, I have been having panic attacks this week which are brought on by abandonment feelings when my spouse gets mad at me...so no comfort for me, either.   In terms of why you got triggered this time, I agree with your assessment.  It was unexpected, it was a teenage girl, and you were not in a therapeutic setting.  I agree with others:  This in no way invalidates the great work you have been doing.

Panic attacks SUCK!! 

Thanks so much, friends.  My GP prescribed a low dosage SSRI to reduce anxiety.  Boy, I had a couple of massive panic attacks this week (and it's still early in the week!).  It causes communication problems with my wife, misunderstandings, and tremendous shame on my part as I tend to do stuff like forget to close and lock doors when I have these.  Today's was brought about after she criticized me for forgetting not to bang doors which abut her home office...I wasn't aware that I had done so, and she could not understand why I even had to use those particular doors knowing that the noise reverberates and startles her.  I need to remember to go the long way around through our slider doors and back into the garage in such a way that doesn't involve banging doors near her office.  I am writing it here in hopes of remembering to stop and think before just doing habitual things.  Thus I might not get triggered into panic attacks which take hours to subside.

We had big blowup a couple of days ago because I accidentally barged through her office on my way to the garage (there's actually a door from her office into the garage....I wish it could just be an exercise room instead if an office but we don't have that many rooms).  She was so upset that I volunteered to sleep on the futon couch and am still doing that.  Things will come back to normal in a few days, I think.  We are actually planning a trip out if town Friday through Sunday and will be sharing a bed in a hotel.  That should get things back to sort of normal. 

When two people with cptsd and triggers out the kazoo get married, this is what you get, folks.  Love is interesting. 

Deep Blue-

You are one of the most courageous people I know.  To be able to ride those waves of exposure therapy and maintain composure as you did - bravo.

I hope you slept well, dear!