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This is the first time I have gone through an anniversary of my Mother's death without alcohol, and it's not as bad as I had feared it would be.  I had a difficult and disorienting day yesterday but bounced back today and am excited to be running a road race tomorrow (Mother's Day) and celebrate recovery from codependence.  There is always more work to be done, but what a difference 3 years and daily self work has made!

This weekend marks the third anniversary of my Mother's death, and the first time I will have moved through this difficult time alcohol-free.  More feelings and different feelings are coming up than in the past.  I am spending the weekend at the ocean with my wife, and being as gentle as possible with both of us.  I am experiencing somatic stuff, some that I regularly experience and some brand new stuff.  I ran by the ocean this morning and will race tomorrow, so endorphins are pretty much my medication whilst running is my meditation.

I am a bit dizzy, off-balance.  I know this to be a sign of a mild EF and know that I am safe in the "now".  At least I have the pleasant surroundings, the ocean air, and some amount of healing behind me now.

  Mom, I miss you so much but am glad your body no longer is suffering the many ravages that strokes inflicted upon you.  I am moving forward, finding out who I really am and shedding the shame I carried for so long.

Welcome back, WF!

Yes, I think the insurance issue is a huge one.  My therapist is a gem, and I actually like that she allows me to figure things out for myself.  I mostly communicate with her via email so get accostomed to writing about my discoveries. Having OOTS is a great added bit of extra help.

C-

This site is a wonderful resource, and I am grateful for all the effort you have been putting into this work.  I figured out I was codependent but then couldn't make sense of EFs ( or even name them) until I found Pete Walker on the web.  My therapist neither confirmed nor disputed my idea that I have Cptsd but the more I read and shared things with her the more she seemed to agree that it could be a reason for my suffering.

Thanks to everyone who bravely posts their innermost joys and sorrows here.  It all really helps.

Hello!

I am so glad that you shared some of the things that are working for you, because the self acceptance and mindfulness are things that we all coukd use to be reminded of frequently.  Remembering that we don't have to be perfect, that we do have the capacity for joy in this very moment is so helpful.

I truly believe that those of us who struggle to overcome flashbacks and get tangled up in traps from the past can learn to experience the beauty of each moment, perhaps even more than those who have never had Cptsd.

Welcome to our forum, and thanks once again for your thoughts.

Boatsailrose-

Glad you are also in an "emergent" phase.  Finding some solid ground is a good, though scary, experience.

Best wishes as you continue your journey toward wholeness.

Perhaps this will be cathartic for me as it appears to be for others.  I have journaled privately in an app on my ipad in the past, but will give this a try as well.

Several years into my recovery, I am uncovering some very rich material to do with my self concepts and "voices" I carry in my head.  My Dad, the critic, has been dead since 1982 but until very recently I allowed his insecurities and attacks on me to dictate how I talk to myself.  I only very recently understood the full implications of this upon my daily life, as well as the somatic symptoms Inhave manifest since birth.  For me, psoriasis and digestive issues have been constantly with me.  Yesterday, I read online that the mind/body connection between mood and psoriasis is thought to be linked via depression.  So, instead of feeling depressed I have given myself inflamed and itchy skin lesions.  Yay.  Among other things, Dad was very depressed - I guess that is the gift that kept on giving. 

To fast forward to an issue that is on my plate right now, I learned yesterday that a work assignment that I have devoted much time to over the course of the last 12 months has been undermined by higher-ups.  More specifically, a course I have been teaching and was asked to substantially revise (and which was co-written by a colleague and vetted by an outside panel of consultants) has not even been offered to students who may have been interested in signing up to take the class.  It is not exactly a conspiracy (I hope) but more an unintended consequence of many small incompetencies and poor decisions on the part of administrators (who are all new to the school and fumbling in the dark on this issue).  Nevertheless, unintended consequences are still hurtful.  So, I am left with the feeling of being discounted and abandoned and pretty undervalued.

I have to choose my response carefully, as this is a work situation.  I told my colleague that if the idea is to backfill my class at the last minute with kids who are uninterested and unprepared for the course, I will not teach it.  How much is up to me is unclear at this moment.  What is clear, though, is that I must give positive messages to myself.  My anxiety and depression are already kicking up and Incant afford for them to infect my home life.  My life partner is quite fragile, both physically and emotionally, and it is key to not bring tons of stress into her life.  Fortunately, we have a long weekend away planned which begins tomorrow.  This also happens to be Morher's Day and the 3rd anniversary of my Mother's death.  It was her passing that brought me into awareness of my codependency and Cptsd issues. 
I depend a great deal upon emails with my therapist in order to remain on an even keel.  I only get to see her once in a great while due to the small number of psychologists in my healthcare system.  It's been a few months now but I do have an appt for next week.  I feel overly dependent. I feel ridiculous and small.  I miss my Mother, but not the box I have kept myself in these past 56 years.

It's interesting and difficult emerging from the sea of inaccurate and damaging messages I have accepted for so long.  Perhaps it is symbolic that the place I am going for the weekend is well known as a spot that Monarch butterflies return to each year during part of their life cycle.  Perhaps I am coming out of the cocoon myself. 

Many of us have somatic issues, and as I read more about them I am learning that our minds kind of transplant difficulties that would otherwise overwhelm us emotionally and voila! we have pain in our bodies.  It's great knowing this, and terrific to lean into the pain rather than escaping, but I do wish I could find the "off" switch....

Just a little rant.  Thanks for letting me get it out.  Life is getting better all the time; I'm just wishing for a more linear route through the jungle.  But where would be the fun in that?

BSR-

Great stuff here.  I very much resonate with the needing attention part and have been bombarding my T with many emails of late as I seem to need much validation while I heal - need for someone to see that it's real since I can't talk about it with people IRL.  You are so very self aware and show how you are allowing yourself time and space to grow and emerge.

Amazing.

Lizzie -

What a terrific quote you have found there!   Maybe I will have that etched across some part of my body so that I can reread it often (kidding of course....but it's great!).  Thanks for checking the site and glad you liked it.

Another two cents worth:  We are the experts on our own internal situations and get to process in the ways that work best for us individually.  Sometimes, that will mean focusing upon the past more than at other times.  I am consciously trying to give myself times when I purposely open up to past occurrences or feelings that are keeping me stuck.  When I can articulate a certain goal (such as learning about my critic and working to move it aside based upon stuff from the past) it seems that wonderful results occur.  Other times, it is just about being in this moment right now and not allowing anything to push me into thinking about the past.

I believe each of us has some inner wisdom about achieving this balance, and I believe that it takes a lot of practice to get good at keeping a balance ( kind of like standing on one leg for awhile).

Just my thoughts.

Thanks a bunch, Sandals.  I didn't think you were trying to rub salt but needed to stand up for the little kid inside of me and sorry if I seemed overly defensive.  Mom had problems but was so very loving to all around her (perhaps to a fault sometimes).  My nurturing qualities come entirely from her, and that is a true blessing.  So, I guess she does live on inside of me. 

Thanks again for both your own truth and for realizing where I was coming from.

Blessings-
JDog

Hi Sandals-

I agree that we don't need to live our lives by society's messed up rules (as a married lesbian I have bucked plenty traditional roles) and appreciate your point of view about Hallmark Holidays.  I had a crappy relationship with my Father and have never cared a fig about Father's Day low these many years since he has been deceased.  However, the tender spot for me around Mother's Day simply has to with the fresh memory of her passing on that day and of the sad decline I witnessed her  travel through for  8 long years.  I will put on my big girl pants for sure and am grateful to be healing in a way I never could while she was living.

But at this moment, the ache for her is still present.  As I learn to be my own parent more fully (and more competently than my parents could) the ache will surely ease.  I look forward to that!

Thanks for writing your truth.

My Mother, with whom I had a good relationship, passed away on Mother's Day weekend 3 years ago.  She had several very debilitating strokes and I really had not had the true "her" for 8 plus years prior to her death.  Relationships are not ever easy - I discovered that I am  a codependent and have Cptsd follwing her death - but despite the unhealthy aspects of my growing up, I continue to miss her (at least the pre-stroked out version) and continue to grieve.  All of the commercialism around Mothers Day really hurts for me - a constant reminder of my loss - and I cannot wait for it to end.

This year, my wife and I are going to one of our favorite scenic places for the whole weekend.  It's not as if I will not be reminded of Mothers Day while away, but the beauty of the surroundings may ease the pain a bit.  So, I am at least making an attempt to take care of myself.

Here's a shoutout to any and all of you "Motherless Children" out there - whether due to circumstances beyond your control or because it is the choice you have had to make in order to heal.  Either way, the images of "picture perfect" families are jarring and can bring a sense of loss.