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No More Guilt-

Yes, you are truly in a difficult place.  You are a survivor, as we all are on this forum, and you will make it through this rough patch.  The best advice I can give is the simplest - take just one step at a time.  Do one healing thing - whatever that may be for you.  Drink calming teas, listen to music, and breathe more deeply.  What else can you think of that feels good in the moment?  Just try one at a time. 

I'm glad you have therapy to anticipate.  That will be a big help.  It may not sound believable at the moment, but you will get through this.  Perhaps take a break from reading about Cptsd, which reminds you of what is "wrong" with you (with any of us, really).  What has made you able to survive?  What is one strength?  You are much more than a diagnosis, much more than the pain you feel.  You have value that cannot be taken away by your Mother or anyone else.  You deserve the best treatment you can give yourself.  You deserve self compassion in large amounts. 

Breathe, take one step at a time, and you will find a bit of peace.  You are not alone - each one of us on this forum has been and sometimes still goes through very tough times.  Hold on, and keep posting.

R-

I am glad to know that you found some ways to enjoy your alone time as well as remembering things that bring you satisfaction when you are unable to be athletic.  So very challenging, these "in between" times....you sound like a remarkable and accomplished person with many talents and abilities.

Enjoy your reconnection with self and others.

R-

Yes, it's quite a blow you have been dealt which affects you so very deeply.  Although I have been injured and had to postpone running races - my favorite form of activity over the past 6 or so years- the biggest blow occurred in 1998 when I injured my shoulder so badly that my ability to feel my left fingers put a virtual end to playing the violin.  The violin was everything to me - played since age 8, got my bachelor's degree in music, taught music, played in orchestras.  I tried many therapies and got a tiny bit better but to this day can't properly enjoy playing music.

Injuries happen for all sorts of reasons. For me, I truly believe that the injury happened at a time when I was being triggered by a circumstance which mirrored a terrible time from young adulthood and it was just too much to handle.  Just the other day I equated playing violin to seeking a core or center outside of myself, one of the several places I have traditionally sought "me"- including overachievement in school, etc.  I am hoping that along with the bodywork I am now undergoing, this new understanding of being "enough " without achievements may free me and let me play once more.

As far as what I do now to feel connected and happy - other than running, I cook, write short stories and poetry, read when I have time, and would love to learn more about native wildflowers and trees.  I donate blood. I work on my own mental and emotional health.  I have made a couple of new friends and have coffee with them.  Just lots of little things

Hi all-

I just returned from a short vacation and experienced insomnia last night.  It wasn't a panic attack kind of insomnia, more like a time when my brain was going several directions at once but with happy feelings. I decided to delve more into the center of this "busyness" and asked the age-old existential question "Who am I, really?"  Wow- out came a series of things related to heartfelt beliefs from childhood to the present day - a friend, a wife, a violinist (not for awhile though), a runner, etc. 

Here's the thing it came down to:  I have spent most of my life identifying with people, causes, belief systems, even musical performance and participation for the purpose of finding a safe spot where I can rest and belong.  That is what my inner child/gut told me - I have tried to "be" all of these things because I did not feel adequate or safe in my inner self.  Until I truly and deeply know that I am perfect just as I am - without achievements, friends, decoration of any kind on the barebones of my soul - none of these "tricks" will work to get me safely home.  I am hoping that internalizing this message from myself will help me sort through some guilt and shame I carry with me (usually drown it out with the noise of my so-called normal life). 

I would truly like to get to the point of doing the right things for the right reasons - because I love doing them rather than because I feel I must do them to be whole.  Internalizing "I am already enough" and "I am safe" seems like such a daily commitment and I hope that it pays off....

In regards to Tolle, I see your point and would definitely pick and choose what I try to utilize myself.  Yes, the recovery process for most of us is a daily commitment to self care rather than a sudden 180 degree turn motivated by a blinding flash which renders us transparent.  Thanks for the two cents!

I am so glad to hear that you are moving toward resolution of several issues at the same time!  Isn't it interesting how healing works sometimes - multiple obstacles sometimes can be overcome once we reframe the situation and take a breath!

Kizzie and R-

Thanks to you both for such lovely and reflective responses to this experience I shared.  I have gone through panic attacks for a couple of years now, had a case of hives, intestinal distress, heart palpitations and more and now I really think all of these fun symptoms link to my inner child/authentic self attempting to connect with the other parts of me.  Interesting to note that the morning I made this discovery, I went to teach and the young man who triggered this feeling inside of me threatened to burn down our school garden.  I don't think our inner voices are only reflective of what is contained inside of us- sometimes they also report on things beyond our own skin.  I'm starting to read Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now"- got it in a thrift store for $1.50.  It seems relevant to my experience - Tolle is an advocate of not resisting our pain.

Thanks again and I send good wishes for everyone's healing as we reconnect with our whole selves.

Wow- the adrenaline addiction makes so much sense to me as well.  I was super-stressed as a child- had colic, have had psoriasis since 18 months of age, and never remember a truly calm time while in my parents home.  Into find calm and solace in nature, but even now I prefer drinking it in while in motion - running is my favorite addiction.

My spouse is not a calm person at all - just was noticing this morning how much stress I feel emanating from her as we prepare to go away for a few days.

Adrenaline junkie?  Yes, I think I am.  I will consider this as I continue my healing journey.  Thanks for the information.

R-

We are the same age and share a few other similar circumstances although I have only recently become aware of the various things from which I need to recover so am newer at the process.  I am no expert in motivation but generally subscribe to the philosophy that one needs to begin with self compassion (not just window dressing but the genuine article - your issue is real and deserves attention and care).  Next, I would move into gratitude - sounds like you already realize the many good things you have going for you so maybe look "outside the box" for something you could have overlooked.  After that, think what advice you would give a good friend going through a similar circumstance.   

Sorry to hear about the knees - I would be grieving that loss as well, being a daily runner.  Want to take up a musical instrument?  Very absorbing and involves both heart and mind.....

Just my 2 cents worth.

I was bullied by other children and by my own Father as a kid, and have experienced bullying by other adults on my job.  I am also a high school teacher, and guess what - some of my students (shocking, I know) are bullies.  I sit on an anti-bullying task force within my school district, help kids at my school who are targets, etc.  All this by way of saying that bullying is front and center on my radar.

Last night, I was very tired but trying to do some grading anyway.  I felt myself begin to go into an EF - began overeating, almost called my wife "Mom"  (glad I caught that one) and finally went to bed.  I awoke a few minutes ago with a familiar scared feeling in my stomach - the onset of a panic attack.  I decided to try something new - began talking to inner child.  I asked her what was wrong - what she was afraid of.  Immediately, the image of one of my students came into my head - a boy who is clearly troubled.  I hadn't thought about it this way before, but he is the type of kid that terrorized me when I was younger.  I asked inner child whether she was afraid of this bully....she nodded.....and the feeling of panic subsided.  Very interesting.  I guess perhaps one way of looking at my work in schools is as a way of connecting with myself and healing some wounds - at least being attentive to the triggers and acknowledging them.

Don't know whether this may help anyone else, but it was something new for me so thought I might share.

Cat-

Two thumbs up for finding your own pace!  I find that staying with my own rhythm, whatever it happens to be at any one time, is very challenging.  I think this is true because I have so often tended to look at myself from outside-in....trying to see myself as I thought others saw me.   I spoke of myself in the third person as a toddler,("she wants this, she sees that") which may not be all that unusual except I think others may have shifted to first person pronouns eventually (ok, I did EVENTUALLY - but didn't quite make the 180 degree turn and feel my own feelings). 

So good for you for taking a stand on your own behalf!  Huzzah

Rrecovery -

Feel the burn, hear the roar, fully human and ready to rumble!

Thanks much for the encouragement, both of you!

Glad to help, and I should be the one thanking YOU since writing those words also helped me remember to just keep moving along through challenges I am having this week.   

I was relieved to read the discussions about problems with self referencing on another thread, as they put me right where I need to be in my own healing at the moment.  I have been thinking about my Mom a lot lately - passed away nearly 3 years ago - missing her very much.  We all truly do our best in life, and she was no exception but our relationship was very codependent and some of my earliest memories were of her talking to others about me and for me without giving me either the need of a chance to talk for myself.  I was her little showpiece to the world and at the same time was a sure source of displeasure and agony to my Father.  Very confusing way to grow up, and one which often left me wondering what I should be doing or thinking at any given time since the treatment I received at home was so very uneven. 

So here I am, 56 years old and trying to grow up.  Trying to know what I actually feel about things and then practicing acceptance once I determine what those feelings are.  It does not help to be living with my same-sex spouse who has almost no ability in the self referencing department and whom relies upon me as her rock at all times (even when I am tired or feel like crap).  I do love her very much but it's a lot of pressure just learning to be the real "me" let alone being someone else's constant source of good feelings. 

In any case, I have made a small amount of progress recently by becoming aware of my extreme reliance upon the email contact with my t for validation of my reality.  I wrote to her yesterday and told her of this new awareness.  I also chose to take a couple of sick days this week as I have a cold and am a teacher of very demanding 9th graders who require that I be on top of my game.  Luckily, I have an excellent student teacher this year who can step in at times like this (a true blessing).

Taking time to check in with myself - inner child as well as the adult me - to learn what I truly need and not running from those needs is a new thing.  It's really hard.  Self validation is going to take practice, but I am sure it will be more than worth the effort in the end.

Welcome Boatsailrose!

You are not alone, and we all need help in recovery so glad you found this community. Recovery is a journey and not one we can assign a specific time limit on, so no worries.  Just take one step at a time and know that this is a safe place for connecting and a place to help and be helped.

Hope you have a peaceful day.