Messages

Fairyslipper-

I love the fact that you are so positive about your growth and recovery, both what is happening now and what will take place in the future.  That is exactly what will see you through some of the more challenging aspects of the process.  My t told me over and over to remember that we are always doing the best we are capable of in all situations, and it took me such a long time to believe that this even MIGHT be true.  I thought she was just doing "therapist talk" -or like that nonsense "don't worry, be happy" stuff.  But guess what?  As soon as I entertained the thought more seriously, it helped me to forgive myself for not being perfect enough and helps me move on and get more into the present moment.  So I guess it doesn't actually have to be completely true so long as it helps....

You are deserving of all the good you can manifest for yourself in this life.  You have what it takes to discover that goodness and to begin seeing yourself through that lens more and more often.  The daily commitment to do so is the most important tool you will likely have to discover how amazing you really are!  As a runner, you know about getting through the struggle and finally finding your "sweet spot" when the breathing becomes easier and you know that this is where you belong. Lace up those shoes and watch the magic unfold!

Fairyslipper-

I second what cat said about using a bit of this and a bit of that as you heal.  I was discussing the topic of triggers with a woman who does bodywork for me, and we talked about how the triggers never really disappear but one's toolbox gets larger and more varied over time.  Over time, you will get to a point of noticing self-aversion and negative thoughts before they become larger enough to overwhelm you and you will remember what works to soothe you.  It may be a walk, a warm bath, reading, listening to certain music, talking with a girlfriend who "gets" you, etc.  it takes daily practice, and it sounds like you have the commitment to move in the right direction.

For me, my Cptsd and codependence came front and center when my Mom died 3 years ago.  It has been a steady climb - not always in a straight line from point to point, but more like a circuitous path up a mountain- and really tough some days.  But when you can look and see the beautiful view from a new and better vantage point, you will know that all of the baby steps have Ben worthwhile.

Thanks for reaching out for help - like Blanche Dubois in "Streetcar", we rely upon the kindness of strangers here!  Take good care of yourself and keep healing.

Thanks for that perspective, Fairyslipper.  In my case, playing violin was my "thing" and I did have support from Mom but Dad told me that I needed to give it up because I just was not good enough to make a living doing that.  To prove him wrong, I majored in music and actually did make a very small living for a couple of years just playing and teaching music.  It didn't matter to him, though, since nothing I ever did pleased him.  Not straight A's in school, not being a "good" girl, not anything.  Sadly, he died when I was in my early 20's and we never had a chance to try to get to a better place.

Yes, I think that I tend to diminish my victories at times by making myself look bad in my own eyes.  I like your suggestion to write the victories down and not seek approval from another as it is not outer praise but inner praise that matters.

Thanks again, and BTW I have taken up running fairly seriously in my (now) middle age.  Great stress buster and a way to work on mindfulness.

Waking up and feeling defective is just one of those storms I may occasionally have to weather from time to time and not even emails from my kindly therapist will keep it from happening....but  I am ok just the way I am DESPITE my vicious inner critic and lonely inner child (who are sometimes one and the same)!

Hi all-

I have been aware of my Cptsd and working on recovery daily for about 2 1/2 years now, and can see that I am making progress.  One thing that still is problematic is my tendency to feel undeserving of the victories in my life.  When I do something about which I feel some sense of pride, I jump almost immediately into some form of self-sabotage.  My favorite method at the moment is overeating, and though I am very fit and work out daily I can certainly out eat the calories burned and wind up miserable.  I look at the scales and see the proof that I am, indeed, defective.  These are the times when I most need self compassion, and ironically are the times I most deny that very kindness to myself.

Do others go through this as well?  I am not sure why successes such a trigger for me but perhaps my lifelong tendency to overachieve and yet never feel "enough" is part of this cycle.  In any case, I am very tired of it and want to set myself free from this destructive habit of mind.

You showed INCREDIBLE courage in the face of a most humiliating and triggering situation!!  EXCELLENT JOB!!!

Hi-

I am glad to see so many thoughtful and well thought- out responses to this horrible situation.  I think that we who struggle with Cptsd issues are not only more sensitive to workplace bullying but also tend to be more frequent targets.  I won't go on at length about my own situation but will say that I was a target of three bullies who also happened to be my superiors for two long, miserable years.  The irony was that they were also messing other things up so badly that all three ended up being transferred - but not before substantial damage was done to me and four others on our staff (one of whom is now deceased - I'm convinced that even with prior health problems these bullies were the nails In her coffin).

My potentially helpful advice is that anyone experiencing this may want to check out the Workplace Bulling Institute (workplace bullying.org) for more support, resources, and advice.

Hang in there - you quite obviously are not alone but it sure can feel like it when you have to come into contact with these "sub humans" on a daily basis,

Such an interesting topic!  When I was a kid, my Dad used to refer to me as "Walter Mitty", and I had no idea what that meant at the time....apparently I zoned out quite often.  My memories of playing my violin sometimes are just that it gave me a chance to escape from everything and I wasn't always even thinking about or feeling the music...just kind of making to-do lists in my head.  So I was essentially escaping within my own escape from reality- anything to avoid my feelings.  Other times, I did genuinely feel something in the music but that was not my "go to" as a kid. 

I guess maybe my love of running (the physical kind) is a more honest and direct application of my "flight" typology.  On good days, I do feel connected to myself while running and have made some improvements in that direction - it's not always about running from something.  Anyways- glad to read what others have to say about their dissociation.

I think this is what recovery feels like.  Today, I went to a weekend workshop for which I had signed up online, using a code I was given by a co-teacher.  Something went wrong in the system, and when I arrived at the workshop site there was no name tag for me and no record that I had signed up.  The woman in charge of sign-in told me not to worry about it and to go ahead and go to the sessions I had wanted to attend.  I felt like crap - wanted to hide, had a total EF brought on by abandonment issues (which got triggered by something unrelated last night also).  I walked around, trying not to make eye contact with anyone ( I didn't have a name tag and they all did have them).  I took a deep breath and noticed that some people had hand-written tags on.  After a few minutes, I made my way back to the registration table and told the woman there that I might as well make a name tag (would have been nice had she pointed out that option earlier,but never mind). 

I started feeling better, the fog in my head started to lift.  My co-teacher showed up and Imtold him what happened, and he had righteous anger over the mistake.  We went into the opening session to hear he keynote speaker.  The speaker was one of my personal heroes - a woman I had worked to elect to the state assembly who went on to become the first (and only) female Chief of Education in our state.  Now retired, she was speaking out as an advocate for school gardens.  I felt better yet.  After the address, I attended a smaller session during which she answered questions from the attendees.  I didn't really have a question, but at the very end of her session I raised my hand and told her how grateful I was to have been able to play a small part in her election to the Assembly in 1986, and how proud I am of the fine work she has done and continues to do for the citizens in California.  I went up afterwords and gave her a hug.  My hero told me that she was glad I am teaching at-risk high schoolers.

The day kept getting better.  I met some truly wonderful people, got new ideas for my program, and even had several people thank me for helping them with different things. 

Tomorrow, I hope to set a PR in a half marathon I am running.  If not, I at least plan to feel satisfied that I once again tried something difficult without quitting or backing away from discomfort.

Some days are harder than others, but I am pretty sure that this is what recovery feels like!

Thank you KF and Butterfly!  Yes, Butterfly, I will let this process take as long as it needs to take - don't want to frighten my younger self off.  And I seriously had no clue, KF, about the stomach issues corresponding to various ages in children.  I will think upon the question of what trauma or disappointments I may have felt during those years.

Immediately after going to bed, just after posting, I began speaking with little JDog again and tears came.  She/I miss playing the violin (which I began at age .  I played for years until a shoulder injury finally made it so difficult to navigate the instrument as I once could do that I stopped.  But I am getting body work now and hope in time to carve out time to play again.  Meanwhile, I promised the IC that we would find small steps to take so that music is more a part of life once more.

Thanks again, friends.

I disliked being a child- felt powerless, unguided most of the time, usually thought that my parents had no clue what they were doing (despite mostly good intentions, Dad was an alcoholic and hated being a Dad and Mom was depressed and formed a codependent relationship with me)- and now I am realizing that my IC has been needing me for so long.  She tries to get my attention, often via intense stomach pain.  Only today -  18 months after knowing  about my  CPTSD - have I finally begun a dialogue with her.  I have read the excellent suggestions made by others in the IC part of this forum.  Not sure I am quite ready to do a much as others in this way but am at least acknowledging the little girl who never really felt heard and had to take on grown up problems instead of just being a kid.

I don't want to make this about others in my life today, as I can't contol them or their reactions to me.  Like many, I have attachments that don't always fit a standard model of relationships.  Many work just fine, and I'm not looking to get rid of my primary relationship even though it is a ton of work.  So here's the point:  I am trying to soothe my IC while remaining the capable adult that shows up most days.  Shouldn't be a problem for a codependent, overachieving, middle aged lesbian teacher, right?

Good thing I have a terrific t, good health, and finally quit drinking (helped some of my intestinal issues a lot).  I'm glad to have found you all.  Thanks for reading.

Lone wolf-

You are welcome.  I woke up feeling defective and wanting to hide from everything in the world this morning with no obvious provocation.  Yuck.  So now its my turn to "self soothe"  - don't you just wish we could be over and done with these cycles once having gone through them?  Rhetorical q, I guess.  Hopefully my treadmill workout will help me "kick it in" since I have a day of teaching 9th graders ahead and they can sniff out low self esteem like nobody's business.  Not the kindest little folks always.

Sigh. 

Jdog

Lone wolf-

It sounds like taking a personal day was just what you needed to do.  As far as accepting the situation of having anxiety and CPtsd, my best advice is the advice given to me by my t:  understand that you are ALWAYS doing the best you can at any point and let yourself know repeatedly that you are "good enough" just as you are.  I am learning that until I can connect with myself - accept myself just as I am- I will not be able to connect with others in a satisfactory and authentic way.  This stuff takes practice - over and over, every day.  We have not been brought up to view ourselves as valuable so we need to value ourselves more than feels "normal". 

Best wishes as you continue taking the steps toward meeting your needs.   It also sounds as though you work for a pretty progressive bunch of people, and as such you have an advantage many may not experience.

You deserve the best care you can provide yourself!

Hi -

I would say to this to myself:  "JDog, you have spent your entire life trying to prove that you are "enough", but guess what?  You already ARE enough and have always been enough.  Each day, you have been and will always be doing your very best given what you know at that time.  You don't have to look at yourself through someone else's eyes all the time in order to stay safe.  It is only what YOU believe about yourself that matters, and the times when you really believe that are the times when you will be able to connect to yourself and everyone else authentically."

And, I would include the things cat says about not racing toward the finish line - though it is tempting to want to just "get it over" and get past the icky stuff that comes up.  We learn new coping skills all the time just by taking baby steps and that helps deal with the next set of issues that come up - triggers, EFs, etc. 

The commitment truly is daily - good self care takes constant practice.  Thinking well of oneself is a learned behavior, and it is never to late to start!

Just a thought- I doubt any of us envisioned the need to uncover wounds to our psyche later in life as a "goal" when we were younger, but I believe that as we age things materialize as we are ready to handle them.  For me, it took the death of my Mother three years ago (when I was 53 ) to allow me to have enough breathing room to realize that I had much work to,do on myself.  So, I guess the thing is not to beat up on ourselves no matter what age we are ....