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Messages - Jdog

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Yes, please don't forget the dogs!  :)


Echoing what others have said, you really will be OK.  I thought I was losing my mind two years ago due to the many FBs (and I didn't even know that was what was happening - just many awful feelings coming from constant triggers) but now I recognize that not only did I survive but have come out stronger as a result of the insights and hard work on myself.

Breathe a little more deeply.  Drink lots of water.  Exercise.  Know that this will all be much easier in a bit.  You are worthy of your self respect and self compassion.  Hang in there.

Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Holidays are Hard
« on: April 06, 2015, 06:31:30 PM »
Yes, I stated some of this in response to the Trust thread earlier today but in essence, having seoarated both physically and emotionally from my FOO (most of them) years ago and having lost Mom 3 years ago and with my closest Aunt in a home for Alzheimers patients 400 miles away - yes, Holidays are Hard.  I am an only child and do have a spouse - have to remind myself that my family counts as much as the large families others have around them.  I generally feel closest to my chosen family of friends but on holidays they are all with their FOOs.

Something that helped me was placing a phone call to a former roommate who lives in another state and is quite ill and living all alone.  Sometimes connecting with another who could use cheering up seems to put me in a better, more grateful space.

Thanks for starting the thread.  I guess I needed to get this out!

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Trust resources?
« on: April 06, 2015, 11:23:33 AM »
It is uncanny to wake up and find this issue as the first unread post of the day for me.  I was in bed thinking that the reason most holidays find me with a slightly squeamish feeling is because I disconnected from most of my FOO years ago and most people celebrate holidays in this extended-family kind of way.  I had to remind myself yesterday that myself and my spouse DO count as a family even without the many cousins, uncles and aunts who live far from me.  I escaped from my home state as soon as I graduated college because I did not feel welcome by most people to whom I am related or with whom I grew up. 
  I know that my trauma caused me to trust the WRONG people...

This applies to me as well. I sought validation from a Father who had many problems and was rejecting of me then turned things around and acted like it was ME rejecting him...and told my first cousins what a "*" I was for not wanting to spend time with him...and this need for validation got me into a situation where I trusted a Father-figure who loved me in inappropriate ways- long story, but I am sure you get my meaning.  I am still trying to regain the trust of my inner child all these many years later.

I am today a social person, a person with some good and trustworthy friends.  And yet, when things are going too well with my spouse or with friends, I find my flight mechanism beginning to rev up.  I think it is the result of not trusting myself and trusting the wrong folks, even though these people in my life have not shown themselves to be at all like my FOO or others whom I tried to trust but ended up having to flee.

As far as resources, I truly think this is an "inside job"- a situation where a person has to gradually become aware of the reasons that trust is a challenge, make friends with the IC, and build from there. I am sure there must be some books on this but other than reading Pete Walker I unfortunately have no suggestions at the moment.

General Discussion / Re: So Very Unmotivated
« on: April 05, 2015, 06:13:01 PM »

I love the idea of using body tension as a hook to get back to the moment- I hadn't put this awareness into a positive frame before and now that you have helped me see it this way- it fits!

I just recently discovered a very subtle thing that I do with my neck and shoulders and my core that constrict my breathing and make optimal running posture difficult.  I think this same set of bodily constrictions may be responsible for my earlier violin injury.  Just today I purposely released this construction and felt like I was flying instead of running (though adrenaline and such may have also played a role :) ).  Anyways, I thank you for the insite.

Introductory Post / Re: feeling less foggy
« on: April 04, 2015, 11:06:54 PM »
Welcome, Sandman and I am glad you found this forum.  There are many opportunities to give and receive help here, and the people are caring and considerate.  Good for you that you are coming out of the fog and staying away from toxic people. 

Introductory Post / Re: Desperate-please help
« on: April 04, 2015, 03:25:28 PM »
No More Guilt-

Yes, you are truly in a difficult place.  You are a survivor, as we all are on this forum, and you will make it through this rough patch.  The best advice I can give is the simplest - take just one step at a time.  Do one healing thing - whatever that may be for you.  Drink calming teas, listen to music, and breathe more deeply.  What else can you think of that feels good in the moment?  Just try one at a time. 

I'm glad you have therapy to anticipate.  That will be a big help.  It may not sound believable at the moment, but you will get through this.  Perhaps take a break from reading about Cptsd, which reminds you of what is "wrong" with you (with any of us, really).  What has made you able to survive?  What is one strength?  You are much more than a diagnosis, much more than the pain you feel.  You have value that cannot be taken away by your Mother or anyone else.  You deserve the best treatment you can give yourself.  You deserve self compassion in large amounts. 

Breathe, take one step at a time, and you will find a bit of peace.  You are not alone - each one of us on this forum has been and sometimes still goes through very tough times.  Hold on, and keep posting.

General Discussion / Re: Rrecovery Movement
« on: April 04, 2015, 03:12:34 PM »

I am glad to know that you found some ways to enjoy your alone time as well as remembering things that bring you satisfaction when you are unable to be athletic.  So very challenging, these "in between" sound like a remarkable and accomplished person with many talents and abilities.

Enjoy your reconnection with self and others.

General Discussion / Re: Rrecovery Movement
« on: April 03, 2015, 05:21:22 PM »

Yes, it's quite a blow you have been dealt which affects you so very deeply.  Although I have been injured and had to postpone running races - my favorite form of activity over the past 6 or so years- the biggest blow occurred in 1998 when I injured my shoulder so badly that my ability to feel my left fingers put a virtual end to playing the violin.  The violin was everything to me - played since age 8, got my bachelor's degree in music, taught music, played in orchestras.  I tried many therapies and got a tiny bit better but to this day can't properly enjoy playing music.

Injuries happen for all sorts of reasons. For me, I truly believe that the injury happened at a time when I was being triggered by a circumstance which mirrored a terrible time from young adulthood and it was just too much to handle.  Just the other day I equated playing violin to seeking a core or center outside of myself, one of the several places I have traditionally sought "me"- including overachievement in school, etc.  I am hoping that along with the bodywork I am now undergoing, this new understanding of being "enough " without achievements may free me and let me play once more.

As far as what I do now to feel connected and happy - other than running, I cook, write short stories and poetry, read when I have time, and would love to learn more about native wildflowers and trees.  I donate blood. I work on my own mental and emotional health.  I have made a couple of new friends and have coffee with them.  Just lots of little things

General Discussion / Lessons gleaned from an EF
« on: April 02, 2015, 12:26:24 PM »
Hi all-

I just returned from a short vacation and experienced insomnia last night.  It wasn't a panic attack kind of insomnia, more like a time when my brain was going several directions at once but with happy feelings. I decided to delve more into the center of this "busyness" and asked the age-old existential question "Who am I, really?"  Wow- out came a series of things related to heartfelt beliefs from childhood to the present day - a friend, a wife, a violinist (not for awhile though), a runner, etc. 

Here's the thing it came down to:  I have spent most of my life identifying with people, causes, belief systems, even musical performance and participation for the purpose of finding a safe spot where I can rest and belong.  That is what my inner child/gut told me - I have tried to "be" all of these things because I did not feel adequate or safe in my inner self.  Until I truly and deeply know that I am perfect just as I am - without achievements, friends, decoration of any kind on the barebones of my soul - none of these "tricks" will work to get me safely home.  I am hoping that internalizing this message from myself will help me sort through some guilt and shame I carry with me (usually drown it out with the noise of my so-called normal life). 

I would truly like to get to the point of doing the right things for the right reasons - because I love doing them rather than because I feel I must do them to be whole.  Internalizing "I am already enough" and "I am safe" seems like such a daily commitment and I hope that it pays off....

Inner Child Work / Re: Inner child and bullies
« on: April 01, 2015, 11:37:05 PM »
In regards to Tolle, I see your point and would definitely pick and choose what I try to utilize myself.  Yes, the recovery process for most of us is a daily commitment to self care rather than a sudden 180 degree turn motivated by a blinding flash which renders us transparent.  Thanks for the two cents!

General Discussion / Re: So Very Unmotivated
« on: April 01, 2015, 11:29:30 PM »
I am so glad to hear that you are moving toward resolution of several issues at the same time!  Isn't it interesting how healing works sometimes - multiple obstacles sometimes can be overcome once we reframe the situation and take a breath!

Inner Child Work / Re: Inner child and bullies
« on: March 31, 2015, 09:34:56 PM »
Kizzie and R-

Thanks to you both for such lovely and reflective responses to this experience I shared.  I have gone through panic attacks for a couple of years now, had a case of hives, intestinal distress, heart palpitations and more and now I really think all of these fun symptoms link to my inner child/authentic self attempting to connect with the other parts of me.  Interesting to note that the morning I made this discovery, I went to teach and the young man who triggered this feeling inside of me threatened to burn down our school garden.  I don't think our inner voices are only reflective of what is contained inside of us- sometimes they also report on things beyond our own skin.  I'm starting to read Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now"- got it in a thrift store for $1.50.  It seems relevant to my experience - Tolle is an advocate of not resisting our pain.

Thanks again and I send good wishes for everyone's healing as we reconnect with our whole selves.

General Discussion / Re: So Very Unmotivated
« on: March 28, 2015, 01:42:01 PM »
Wow- the adrenaline addiction makes so much sense to me as well.  I was super-stressed as a child- had colic, have had psoriasis since 18 months of age, and never remember a truly calm time while in my parents home.  Into find calm and solace in nature, but even now I prefer drinking it in while in motion - running is my favorite addiction.

My spouse is not a calm person at all - just was noticing this morning how much stress I feel emanating from her as we prepare to go away for a few days.

Adrenaline junkie?  Yes, I think I am.  I will consider this as I continue my healing journey.  Thanks for the information.

General Discussion / Re: So Very Unmotivated
« on: March 27, 2015, 04:37:09 PM »

We are the same age and share a few other similar circumstances although I have only recently become aware of the various things from which I need to recover so am newer at the process.  I am no expert in motivation but generally subscribe to the philosophy that one needs to begin with self compassion (not just window dressing but the genuine article - your issue is real and deserves attention and care).  Next, I would move into gratitude - sounds like you already realize the many good things you have going for you so maybe look "outside the box" for something you could have overlooked.  After that, think what advice you would give a good friend going through a similar circumstance.   

Sorry to hear about the knees - I would be grieving that loss as well, being a daily runner.  Want to take up a musical instrument?  Very absorbing and involves both heart and mind.....

Just my 2 cents worth.

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