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Messages - Jdog

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Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Finding Me Without Losing The Rest
« on: March 12, 2015, 11:24:50 AM »
Thank you KF and Butterfly!  Yes, Butterfly, I will let this process take as long as it needs to take - don't want to frighten my younger self off.  And I seriously had no clue, KF, about the stomach issues corresponding to various ages in children.  I will think upon the question of what trauma or disappointments I may have felt during those years.

Immediately after going to bed, just after posting, I began speaking with little JDog again and tears came.  She/I miss playing the violin (which I began at age 8).  I played for years until a shoulder injury finally made it so difficult to navigate the instrument as I once could do that I stopped.  But I am getting body work now and hope in time to carve out time to play again.  Meanwhile, I promised the IC that we would find small steps to take so that music is more a part of life once more.

Thanks again, friends.

Family of Origin (FOO) / Finding Me Without Losing The Rest
« on: March 12, 2015, 03:46:25 AM »
I disliked being a child- felt powerless, unguided most of the time, usually thought that my parents had no clue what they were doing (despite mostly good intentions, Dad was an alcoholic and hated being a Dad and Mom was depressed and formed a codependent relationship with me)- and now I am realizing that my IC has been needing me for so long.  She tries to get my attention, often via intense stomach pain.  Only today -  18 months after knowing  about my  CPTSD - have I finally begun a dialogue with her.  I have read the excellent suggestions made by others in the IC part of this forum.  Not sure I am quite ready to do a much as others in this way but am at least acknowledging the little girl who never really felt heard and had to take on grown up problems instead of just being a kid.

I don't want to make this about others in my life today, as I can't contol them or their reactions to me.  Like many, I have attachments that don't always fit a standard model of relationships.  Many work just fine, and I'm not looking to get rid of my primary relationship even though it is a ton of work.  So here's the point:  I am trying to soothe my IC while remaining the capable adult that shows up most days.  Shouldn't be a problem for a codependent, overachieving, middle aged lesbian teacher, right?

Good thing I have a terrific t, good health, and finally quit drinking (helped some of my intestinal issues a lot).  I'm glad to have found you all.  Thanks for reading.

General Discussion / Re: Anxiety, Work and Self-Acceptance
« on: March 10, 2015, 11:19:39 AM »
Lone wolf-

You are welcome.  I woke up feeling defective and wanting to hide from everything in the world this morning with no obvious provocation.  Yuck.  So now its my turn to "self soothe"  - don't you just wish we could be over and done with these cycles once having gone through them?  Rhetorical q, I guess.  Hopefully my treadmill workout will help me "kick it in" since I have a day of teaching 9th graders ahead and they can sniff out low self esteem like nobody's business.  Not the kindest little folks always.


Jdog ???

General Discussion / Re: Anxiety, Work and Self-Acceptance
« on: March 10, 2015, 12:50:05 AM »
Lone wolf-

It sounds like taking a personal day was just what you needed to do.  As far as accepting the situation of having anxiety and CPtsd, my best advice is the advice given to me by my t:  understand that you are ALWAYS doing the best you can at any point and let yourself know repeatedly that you are "good enough" just as you are.  I am learning that until I can connect with myself - accept myself just as I am- I will not be able to connect with others in a satisfactory and authentic way.  This stuff takes practice - over and over, every day.  We have not been brought up to view ourselves as valuable so we need to value ourselves more than feels "normal". 

Best wishes as you continue taking the steps toward meeting your needs.   It also sounds as though you work for a pretty progressive bunch of people, and as such you have an advantage many may not experience.

You deserve the best care you can provide yourself! :hug:

Hi -

I would say to this to myself:  "JDog, you have spent your entire life trying to prove that you are "enough", but guess what?  You already ARE enough and have always been enough.  Each day, you have been and will always be doing your very best given what you know at that time.  You don't have to look at yourself through someone else's eyes all the time in order to stay safe.  It is only what YOU believe about yourself that matters, and the times when you really believe that are the times when you will be able to connect to yourself and everyone else authentically."

And, I would include the things cat says about not racing toward the finish line - though it is tempting to want to just "get it over" and get past the icky stuff that comes up.  We learn new coping skills all the time just by taking baby steps and that helps deal with the next set of issues that come up - triggers, EFs, etc. 

The commitment truly is daily - good self care takes constant practice.  Thinking well of oneself is a learned behavior, and it is never to late to start! ;)

The Cafe / Re: age poll
« on: March 08, 2015, 02:29:18 PM »
Just a thought- I doubt any of us envisioned the need to uncover wounds to our psyche later in life as a "goal" when we were younger, but I believe that as we age things materialize as we are ready to handle them.  For me, it took the death of my Mother three years ago (when I was 53 ) to allow me to have enough breathing room to realize that I had much work to,do on myself.  So, I guess the thing is not to beat up on ourselves no matter what age we are ....

Introductory Post / Re: Glad to have found you!
« on: March 08, 2015, 02:18:18 AM »

Thanks for the kind and validating comments about discovering codependency later in life and working through it.  At age 56, I sometimes get frustrated that it's taken me so long to figure myself out but I guess we learn things when we are ready to move forward and take the next steps.  Yes, I can see how moving to another country would be enough of a change to wake a person up and I'm glad you have also taken up exrercize as a form of self therapy.  i am working on not comparing my fitness so much to that of others (tough, however) and just looking at the "me time" aspect and the soothing effect it has upon me ( and the great endorphins too).  In recently gave up drinking alcohol ( also not comparing myself to anyone else in that respect) and so keeping active is that much more important. 

You hit it "on the nose" when you said how nice my T sounds.  True, true.  Patient enough to allow me to write very often and with good enough boundaries to know when to toss my issues right back into my own lap (with words of support and encouragement).  Best wishes in all of your own self care also!

Introductory Post / Glad to have found you!
« on: March 07, 2015, 12:43:44 PM »
Hi -

I am very pleased to have found this resource.  My Cptsd came to light following the death of my Mother nearly 3 years ago.  I had one of those "out of the blue" breakdowns and began seeing the therapist who had helped me during the time Mom was needing more care and becoming more disabled due to multiple strokes.  Once she was gone, my codependence more truly revealed itself and through research I found Pete Walker's great website and figured out that the Cptsd was underlying the codependence.  I am doing much better now, though as my T says, "the commitment is daily" and Just as others do I wrestle with demons.  In addition to journaling and emailing my T nearly daily, I run a lot and running is a HUGE help in self regulation.  I'm up early this morning preparing for a seven mile race, have a half marathon in a week, and am building to a marathon at the end of the year (second one).  The discipline and movement keep me calmer and more focused.

Well, that's about it....I'm sure I will have many occasions to post in future.  Thanks again, and I send good wishes to each one of you in your amazing journeys! ;)

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