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A bit long, but totally worth it. It's not perfect, but it gives us an idea on what the current research is aiming at.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4091823/

 Hey guys. So, I'm wondering if any of you are suffering/have overcome something related to this.

Due to my trauma I've developed what I call my 'bubbles of fear', irrational fears of anything resembling being somewhat 'achieved in life' (if that counts for something). Academic fear (although I spend my days researching and exploring the scientific world, I fear I will never be a good academic, and so I block myself from pursuing academic endeavours); Fear of relationships - this one is pretty obvious and self explanatory. Fear of driving (have anxiety episodes because of other's mistakes and refuse to drive). Fear of success in anything, so I stopped doing everything that was bringing me anything resembling any kind of success and sense of achievement.... And so forth, there are plenty more.

I really want to overcome this, especially the academic fear in the near future as I actually need my financial independence. I don't even need to be very successful, just good enough lol... Oh my... Anyway, have any of you overcame something similar? How do I even begin taking the first step? I feel completely lost, T said I need to figure out my own answers to this, and I understand the why I'm there (kinda stuck there actually), I just need to figure out a way to get out of there.

Any input is highly valuable. Thank you.

My T brought up the idea of bringing back the memories of sexual abuse again yesterday. I was trying to forget about it to be honest, but he wants me to try and deal with it, when I'm ready.

Since then, I'm feeling detached from myself.

I need to deal with this, so here goes.

*TW ahead*

I made my mother realize that my father was an abusive person, emotionally towards her, physically towards my grandpa, and sexually towards me and possibly my sisters. It came as a shock to her, she didn't realize it before he was that abusive.

My father had no boundaries with me, we had a weird too-close relationship, but not father-daughter relationship, it was weird and I don't want to think about it completely. Anyone relates? He forced me to kiss him, he watched me take baths, I can't remember if he actually touched me or not. I will remember it eventually, when I'm ready.

He also had few boundaries with my sisters, although not the same extent as me as far as I'm aware. My middle sister also revictimizes herself. My oldest sister had the strenght (or luck) to find a great guy, they're married for a lot of years now and have three wonderful kids. The oldest was the favorite, maybe he didn't do anything with her, maybe he had more self control back then, who knows? I'm the youngest and was his daughter during the worst and most difficult period of his life, both my sisters were adults then and dealt with him with contempt and went NC. I stayed and took care of him, dealing with his problems. They only broke NC to protect me, especially my middle sister. I was angry at them for so long, I'm not anymore.

People like to glorify him since his death. I fell for it. My sisters carefully exchanged looks between them when that happened. The truth is, they are actually closer to his side of the family than I am. I was always the outsider, closer to my mother's side of the family.

I was also the scapegoat, my middle sister is perfect and my older sister is strong. I'm the weak one, the mentally ill one, the troublemaker, the drug addict, etc etc etc. Nobody sees it as an injury, it took me so long to see it like that, thank god for this forum and my T.

For so long I allowed to be abused over and over again, for 20 years. I made the math since the time I was possibly sexually abused by my father. Maybe I'm still allowing it, by living with my mother currently and having to take the blame for my injuries.

I'm lost and feeling detached. The memories will only come when I'm ready for them to come.

In my process of healing, I've noticed my inner children want to come out and play. Some get angry, small outbursts like "I'm not a child anymore, leave me alone", some just want to go buy soap bubbles and spend the day doing that. I've been nurturing the angry ones, explaining why these aren't problems anymore, that we can do whatever we like, we're all grown up now. They are suspicious, but I think they listened.

So, this got me wondering the difference between being just childish and angry versus the need of being childlike and playful, nurturing both and allowing them to live happily like they didn't when we were actually kids.

One thing that I noticed was another part of me keeps telling them to "grow up", I don't want that, I would like to maintain my inner children as the children they are and not give them further responsibility than the ones they already had when we were growing up.

So, in talking with that part, I realized it was my mother's influence. "Grow up" is something she says all the time. "You're being like an adolescent", she's certainly right, although I never learned how to behave in any other way. So, now I'm learning how to put a more adult part of me in front of her, and dealing with her like an adult instead of the angry or vulnerable children. It's working out!
I have more respect for myself now.

At the same time, I've been allowing my inner children to be childlike. Daydream, play with my cats, wear a bunch of colors instead of all earthy or black/gray clothes. What I'm trying to contain is that need of being childish, of reacting impulsively and without thinking of the consequences, of being too self-centered and not understanding, with lack of compassion for myself and others. In other words, I think I was allowing my childish parts to be too criticized by my inner critic, instead of allowing my Self to nurture them and talk them out of those behaviors.

It's something I noticed, not sure if anyone here notices the same. We do have to parent our inner children, and educating them into being better people comes with the job.  Progress!

Hey guys. I have a coping mechanism that is kind of annoying, I've tried searching about it but found nothing.

I have obsessive thoughts, that can range from thinking too much about my mental health, to catastrophic thinking all the time, to intrusive obsessional thoughts (actually diagnosed with OCD, currently in remission) and excessive daydreaming.

I think these are all ways for me not to think about the abuses, and like my T says, they are welcome if the intent is for me not to keep retraumatizing myself or send me to an EF. But, to be honest, it's so annoying! My mind can't seem to focus and rapidly shifts to the current obsession when I try to distract myself. I can't find research about it, read in Pete Walker's website that it's connected to CPTSD and just want to know if any of you have it too and how in the world can I cope with them.

Other than this, I'm doing well.

Thanks in advance for any input on the subject.

Recently a bunch of things happened, some good some bad. It didn't trigger me (I think  ), I'm feeling stronger though.

A friend ressurfaced, sent me a bunch of antipsychiatry videos and I stood my ground and told him that if it wasn't for pills I would be talking to myself on the street or ending up on a grave more likely. I stopped answering his emails and will vanish from his life 

Another friend needs my help to deal with her boyfriend, she also suffered from some neglecting as a child, but no major abuse besides that I think, which left her some trauma as well, although I don't think it constitutes CPTSD, as it as not as strong and only shows in her relationships with others. Her boyfriend has bipolar as well and she asks for my help, I don't mind, I'm available to her.

An ex ressurfaced and wants to be friends again, I don't know what to make of that, I will meet him to see what he trully wants out of this, and see where I go from there. If I have the time, with work and my own interests I hardly ever get the time to go way one hour and half across town to be one hour with them and then come back. I need to take a whole afternoon out of my schedule and I'm not sure I'm up for it. Funny enough, in the past this particular ex ressurfacing would bring back all sorts of emotions and I would be swooning over him all over again, this time that didn't happen. I've been daydreaming about meeting someone who is worth it and treats me right, not because I feel lonely but because I deserve love.

All of this, and more that I will keep out of here, happened in the last week and I suppose I could've crumbled, remembered the loneliness I feel and how hard this whole ordeal has been so far, but I didn't. I'm calm and centered and being able to juggle between all of these events and triggering emotions without spiraling. I think this is good news.

I'm available for  my friends that in fact need me, want to hang out with me or just talk a bit about the latest whoever album, that's all fine. But I'm not available to being manipulated, that ship has sailed.

After so many years of being a puppet for others, I think I've grown!! 

[a lot]

I dissociate a lot! Like, really unforseeable things trigger me. A word, maybe the way it's pronounced, a bird looking at me, a car in a certain color, smells, etc etc etc, even putting my leg in a certain position.

So, my T and I have begun looking at dissociation as a good thing, it's a coping mechanism not to deal with the horrifying emotions that come with those triggers. I still feel the emotions later on, usually when I'm alone in the house, triggered by some music or something (I do have a bit of a tendency to listen to the Blues or something else that is sad).

I've began a process of identifying colors and shapes and trying to love reality when I'm dissociating, reminding myself I'm still a part of my body, if not the whole body itself functioning for the sole purpose of me being alive.

Then the hard part hits home, because, like so many of you can relate, we often don't feel very lucky for being alive. That's why we've started this, being a part of reality is a miracle and a joy, and dissociation happens a lot less frequently now and with a lot less severity than before I started to embrace it.

We often say in therapy, thanks for dissociation!
Just something I wanted to share.

I'm having trouble falling asleep since my trauma recovery started. I have tapered off my benzos in the past, but recently went back on them only to help me fall asleep. One pill makes me fall asleep, but I don't want to rely on benzos since they're very addictive.

I read online that melatonin is good, anyone has any experience with it? I only have an appointment with my psychiatrist in July, I can't wait until then, this is really bothering me.

My old psychiatrist prescribed me Zolpidem, but I didn't like the sleep I had on it, seemed fake and troubled so I didn't take it.

Any advice is welcomed.
Thanks guys.

[now]

Hey guys. 

So, I took up the opportunity that my mother was in a good mood and decided to have a serious talk with her about my childhood, the abuses or lack of them, the neglect, etc.

I think this is important to lay in writing so I don't forget to bring it to my T, and bear with me because timelines are a mess in my head, it might seem a little jumbled.

She has a hard time believing my father did anything to me, mainly because she says she was very attentive. That, in my book, doesn't mean much. My father was good at make belief that me and him had a good relationship, with me even, having secrets between us, giving me gifts all the time, and all that. I still don't remember anything specific, but I'm trying to connect the dots. She told me that I slept in his house a bunch of times, which I also don't remember happening, and she also told me that I stopped wanting to go there, crying. So, she said she made a deal with my father with my permission to only be allowed to be with him with my grandparents (his folks) present.
By that time, I have a vivid memory of hurting badly in bumper cars on a fair, and him laughing. After that I was no longer allowed to see him. 
We did agree that he was highly inadequate in his behavior with me and that he was emotionally abusive since I was born, even to her. This was something that she never told me before, so I guess this is where it starts to get "interesting".

I was born on a different country, and both my parents are from the country I'm residing now. I came to live here for one year and a half when I was 4 or 5 and that's when that all happened. My father left to come here to treat his alcoholism supposedly when I was 3, me and my mother stayed there, came here for one year and a half, then went back there where we stayed for another 3 or 4 years.

During the time that I was here, those one and a half years, I developed a deep hatred and fear of my father. Neither me or my mother can pin point exactly why, but from a broad analysis we can certainly say his behavior and inedequacy greatly contributed.
Then, when I went back there, I became incrinsingly sad. I didn't belong with anyone but my best friends, since I knew from birth. I developed few friendships and cried a lot, alone in my room. She doesn't remember this, but I do. Although I wasn't exactly the poster child for a happy life, we did lead a good and stable life there, she was present and when she wasn't I had a nanny I cared deeply about.

Then, we had to move back here because she her contract ended. I ended up in a school with gangsters, being bullied every day. By that time, my mother got a job on another city and she now, finally, admits she was very neglectful. Apparently I was very vocal about it.

I tried fighting the bullies, ignoring the bullies, and telling, but nothing worked, so I joined the bullies. I didn't bully myself, but they were a tough crowd, messing with hard drugs and stealing stuff, I started smoking pot and drinking, I was 13. I had a period of agoraphobia by that time, and my mother sent me to a therapist. I, now, was able to tell her that that was the first sign that I needed help, but she didn't exactly see it and the therapist sucked, so he didn't help. The anxiety remained, but the agoraphobia passed.
A few months later I was sexually abused, and expelled from school all in the same month. I was expelled out of pity, and safe guard. More to save me from that crowd than from my own actions. During all of this, my mother had to deal with my grandma being ill, my NPD uncle not doing anything to help and only asking for money, and a bunch of other stuff, including deaths in the family and family spites.

I was sent to live with my grandma that had Alzheimmer's, and here lies the second abandonment from a parent. She says she understands now that maybe it wasn't the best choice, but told me it was the only way to get me away from the gangsters that began circling our building and waiting for me and for her.

When I moved to my grandma's, first I gave up on school as an act of "rebellion", then later got my head together and started getting good grades - by this time a teacher held me close and helped me a lot, without taking advantage of me, which was nice. I still hung out with bad crowds and had abusive boyfriends, though, and only in my last year there, before going to highschool in the city, living with my mother again, that I started having actually good friends. I didn't want to leave, but I did return, this time to a hippie school of my choosing. During all of this, my father sobered up and relapsed around three times.

In hindsight, my mother being a hippie herself in her younger years, and still a bit today, she did give me a lot of choice in doing whatever I wanted, acting only when I behaved badly according to her standards. Sometimes she was right, sometimes she wasn't. But I guess in light of all of this, and the abuse she endured as a kid, that I can actually forgive her for some transgressions. She does have a lot of narcissistic traits, and low empathy, but she is in fact trying very hard not to make more mistakes and being there for me in her own, low empathy, way.

So, in the last minutes of the talk, she did admit to being manipulative, putting herself first when she was depressed and not tending well for my needs when I needed them the most, she admitted to acting out and playing the victim, and that her memory cannot help me much, that I need to deal with my therapist to what actually happened between me and my father.
I don't want to believe it was sexual abuse, but the signs indicate that it was.

We came to the conclusion that, even if there wasn't direct sexual abuse by the part of my father, all the emotional abuse and neglect from both my parents were more than enough to give me CPTSD, not counting the remaining abuses I endured later in adulthood.

I think I can rest for a bit now and stop circling around this issues and focus only on recovery. I don't want to keep retraumatizing myself by replaying the stuff over and over and over in my head.

I can't say I forgive her, but I can understand that she wants to be better, and I respect that.

What do you guys think?

[don't]

I'm not angry, even though I ought to be. I'm in kind of a limbo between relief and constraint.

I want to talk to you about the harm your parents done to you, for you to become the person you are today. I can't blame you, I feel the same pain. I should blame you, if I take responsibility for my actions and I'm in fact mentally ill, so should you. But no, you blame everyone else. You're the perpetual victim. That's okay, you were the scapegoat. I can empathise with that, so was I. You needed to shine that same light on me, in order for some else to feel the pain you felt. You needed to belittle me, so you could feel the same sense of superiority your father felt when he manipulated you. I get it all. I'm not angry.

I'm hurt. I feel the pain my inner child feels, I can feel her inside of me asking why I wasn't able to protect her from all the harm that was done to me all these years. Why should I endure even more, and why should I sacrifice my future in order to give you the importance you in fact don't have? If I give you the tools to open my doors, you will open them. I don't, though. I tell you exactly what is happening: I'm growing beyond that. But it's hard. You play the victim, you play the cripple, you play the old person who can't be alone. And sometimes I fall for it, I admit. Sometimes I do get angry and tell you you're no longer the victim, that ship has sailed, now you're the perpetrator. You don't like it, you always tell me it's my fault, that I'm "difficult". Even though I do everything right.

I want to tell you that I'm not angry. That I know you only have depressive bouts when you're faced with the fact that you're just like your NPD brother, who hurt you and you hurt him back. You're both stuck on that cycle of abuse and tolerance for each other. I finally discarded myself from the middle of that situation. Others don't know, they don't do the research. They say "Oh you know them, they've always been like this. They love you." Lol. Love? I don't even know what that means. I know that what you show is not love, it's a mask. I've seen it too many times. I've seen you two without the mask. I know there is no love there, there's only a selfish need for appreciation. But, again, I'm not angry. I don't even pity you that much. I understand it, I'm in treatment for it. It's my responsibility to take care of myself.

Nowadays, you show a glimpse of remorse. But I'm not sure it is in fact remorse. You show more empathy towards the Bipolar character of Homeland than for your Bipolar daughter. Like the character is more realistically Bipolar. That doesn't even make sense!
You went to therapy because you were depressed, I took care of you. I arranged everything, from doctors to pills, to food, to groceries, everything. Not a thank you in sight... It's my duty, right?

But I'm not angry, you don't know any better. You live in your bubble of low self esteem, need to be pushed forward, validated, "superiorized". But you no longer have the looks of a beautiful young woman like you did, you can no longer dance and drink the night away like you did, you no longer feel comfortable in your own self. That's why the depression came crippling you. That's why I'm not angry. That's why I don't feel pity.

You showed me that it was possible to have a cordial relationship, as long as I put my boundaries in place. That is possible and has been working out. I'm proud of you for not inflicting more pain, even though you could. That must take a serious effort on your part.

Congratulations to your 63 year old self, you're growing up.

So, I decided to start one of these. 

I'm feeling very disoriented right now, from anger. My T appointment went well, I'm making good but slow progress. Seems like the depression was transient and it passed.

I'm working for my mother, the neglector. And the neglector is dealing with the beaurocracy of it all, as I do the heavy work that she's too old to do. Well, she screwed up now and I have to be the one dealing with it. It's nothing really major, but it's added stress at a time when I'm not sure I can handle it. We'll see, it's still some time until June.

She told me "You've dealt with worse"... I kept my cool, but wanted to explode.

Since my impulse control is much better now I just explained why I am angry and she shrugged her shoulders in defiance. I didn't let her push my buttons, I turned my face to the computer and ignored her and she went away. Dinner afterwards and I talked like nothing happened... Need to find better ways to deal. Not engaging means not engaging and I did engage in her manipulation.

I realized she never grew up, she's a child. She acts mature in front of others, but deep down she's a lonely child who never recovered from the abuse she endured. She tried to, it's a given, but she always failed. It's always someone else's fault, either mine for not doing something I'm "supposed" to do or my father was the abuser and she did "what she could with what she had" (common excuse, I am told), or the driver that crossed lanes when she wasn't blinking or whatever.
I don't want to be like her... I want to take responsibility for my actions.

Unfortunately for now I'm disabled and dependent, that will change in a few years. I have absolutely no intention of dealing with this nonsense the rest of her life.

As for how therapy is going, it's going pretty well. My therapist says we need to take it slower than twice a week because it's messing with my moods from my Bipolar, he wants my psychiatrist's take on it too, and I have an appointment with her next week. I feel strong and confident that I will be able to overcome all of this, with baby steps, and I'm not usually one to wallow (just sometimes). I've been practicing self compassion, with all the parts inside of me that need nurishing. It's refreshing. My T told me that I need to learn how to look on them with respect and not dismiss my inner child as something like trash who is always afraid, I need to love myself now and that's my assignment for the next months. Seems easy, right?

Hey guys 

So, for the last 16 years or so I haven't been able to form real friendships, I moved a lot and that hindered my ability to solidify relationships. Then my Bipolar symtpoms started to show up, a lot of reckless behaviour and alcohol and drugs and nasty people around me with lack of empathy.

Fast forward, after my hospitalization and consequencial to losing everyone around me besides M and sisters, I became incrinsingly isolated. I shut down, dealt with it by eating and watching TV, until a person I met a few years back called me up to join this self defense class. I was in an abusive relationship before, knew I had trauma from it, and decided to give it a go. That person became my friend, and I started hanging out with more people again. Besides her, who is genuinely a good friend, everyone else seems to lack empathy to my mental health, not understanding why I can't go out at night or to concerts because it harms my mental health.

Lately, though, some people from my past started ressurfacing. I was cordial to most of them, my abusive ex I simply ignored, and started reconnecting with one friend who used to be my best friend for a lot of years. We met once for coffee, for me to test the waters and see if I could let him into my life again, he seemed fine. Until recently he started sending me emails every day talking about satanism and the occult, I try to change the subject and talk in scientific terms with him, but he keeps going back to the same pattern. It was a pattern I used to, emphasis on the used to part, be very keen to in the past, when I was 'out of it'.

The thing is, he is still friends with a guy that broke my heart and his girlfriend, my ex very good friend that later humiliated me because I have a mental disorder, and a lot of other insane characters from my past... It's been a * of a trigger to go back to that. I was free from it and now I feel I've opened the door for them to come back into my life.

The thing is, he doesn't consider my mental issues relevant, keeps saying I'm the sanest person he knows and that even when I was psychotic that the only thing I did wrong was do a lot of drugs and hang out the with wrong people.

Yesterday he sent me a huge email talking about the "importance of family" and that set me off. I was strong though, and replied that that's not true for a lot of us, that have more than what is the so called 'normal dysfunction' in most families, that some of us were abused and carry a lot of pain from that abuse. He thinks the tales of abuse are all a conspiracy to diminish family values.  Talk about being protected from reality, right?

Well, I didn't reply. Thought it was unnecessary, he will keep having his opinion and I can't change that. He, like most my friends who met M think she's great for me, super supportive and caring. Doens't believe me when I say things aren't the way they seem. The only person who believed me back then is no longer in my life and broke my heart.

Well, this is a vent/asking for opinions.

I have another friend who also suffered from severe neglect when she was a child, but refuses to aknowledge her problems and has a lot of stigma towards mental disorders. I backed away from her...

So my only friend is one person. It's so sad isn't it? How do I meet new people though? I want to go back to college and finish a degree but I'm not yet stable from Bipolar, so I'll wait another year until I'm more prepared to handle it. Maybe then I'll meet new people.

I have such a hard time learning how to trust, to be open with people, to let them see behind the "everything is alright" mask.

Well, thanks for reading. 

Hey guys 

So, I've said on this forum, two weeks ago maybe, that I've started a new kind of therapeutic approach with my T.
The name is Internal Family Systems, here's more info about it: https://www.selfleadership.org/outline-of-the-Internal-family-systems-model.html

It's basically this: we have several parts of us, multiplicities of us inside of ourselves, that develop throughout our lives, some are children some are adults, some are exiles and we can have difficulty accessing them, some are protectors of those exiles, some are firefighters (usually the ones that go to self-harm, drugs, alcohol, etc) that deal with a quick escape to protect the exiles. All of the parts are important, even the bad ones, and should be dealt with care and compassion. Then there's the Self, that's in the center of all this. In trauma and, in my case, psychosis, the self kind of desintegrates between multiple parts, the goal of this therapy is to let the self - compassion, curiosity, kindness - take the lead and not some other part. 

Between the last three appointments with my T, I've accessed a bunch of these parts of me, especially my 12 year old self. I had time where I couldn't connect with her, then all of a sudden she took over at one point and overwhelmed with fear of being exposed. We took a deep breath, regrounded (I wanted to lay on the floor, but I just put my back against the chair) and I had a deja vu and dissociation for a brief moment. My T reassured me that this was natural, and we proceeded with the appointment, trying to figure out what my 12 year old self had to say about what happened to her. She did talk, some other parts (protectors) appeared to examine the situation, intelectualize, etc.

Then, we talked about how to proceed from here. I'm still not able to reach my 5 year old part, and I don't intend to right now. I'm focusing on treating my 12 year old part with self-compassion and trust, so she can unburden herself from the fears of inadequacy and the saviour complex that she carries.

It's truly enlightening and I thought you would appreciate if I let some suggestions here:
Two books:
'Self Therapy' by Jay Early and 'Freedom from your inner critic' by the same author.

Hope this helps someone, I'm sorry I'm not so active here I don't have the time. Wishing you all the best 

Hey guys 

Seems like I was in an EF for two or three weeks, lost count. Since two days ago I've been feeling better, I'm able to handle thinking straight again.

I have 20 days of vacation but I can't go anywhere because of my pets, I might go to a fair on thursday with a friend to eat regional pastries. That will probably make me feel better.

I'm depressed, but not like staying-in-bed-all-day depression. Semi-functional depression. Dishes pile up, laundry needs to be done because the hot weather is coming and I still have my winter clothes out, but I can't seem to do any of it. I might try one thing at a time today, see if I manage. Will let you know.

My T gave me a book with exercises that I was able to do yesterday, it gave me some clarity over issues in my past that I dealt in a completely bonkers manner. I will do more today if I have the time, the priority today is to get the house cleaned and the laundry done. Can't obsess over this every day (like I have a choice), might make the exercises in my head while I'm doing what needs to be done. The exercises aren't focused on the abuses, rather more on the recovery.

I was feeling terrible for the world, thinking I have no place in it. It has a lot to do with a break up I went through that devastated me, my inner child felt abandoned and neglected all over again and I haven't been able to bounce off of that. It's been 4 years of solitude, no sex, no partner, nothing. The thing is, I don't feel the need for it. I'm okay with being alone for now, I need to find someone worth it instead of jumping into a relationship and repeating the same mistakes all over again. My T agrees with this, but he says I'm too much of a romantic to be single forever lol

Therapy has really been helping, my T says we'll be spacing out the appointments now (I was going two days a week, then every week), so I don't overwhelm myself again. In the last appointment I fused with my inner child and refused to talk out of fear for a while...  Needed to step back into my Self, and let it defuse. The next day my inner child's pain was the only thing that mattered, was a horrible day.

Well, thanks for reading. Seems like I'm feeling better now, not hijacked into desperation.

My mother yesterday was in a bad mood. My T and I had talked about how to deal with her meltdowns, moods and overall lack of awareness of others' feelings, and we decided the best way for me to deal with it was to not engage and keep quiet, so she couldn't push my buttons. I did very well, at the end of the day I was full of anger but managed not to engage and let it slide. She apologized at dinner and well, I "forgave" her.

Talked to my T and he sent me a book called 'Self-Therapy' by Jay Early and I started reading it today since I'm alone and can process. It's not like Pete Walker's type of thing, but it ressonates around it too. I think it's more fitting for me with all my disorders and I trust my T.

Anyway, reached a point there in the book when I started reading a few sentences and got a huge headache, couldn't focus on the book. Thought it was lack of food, so I ate something, smoked a cigarette and resumed my reading on that sentence. Headache again.

It has to do with what I think are my repressed memories, every time I think of them I have a headache. Does this mean something?

I don't think I'm ready to face them. I have an appointment with my T tomorrow.

Hey guys!

Had my therapist's appointment today and he made sure to tell me he also specialized in trauma, that we can get through this. We are going to have more appointments now, at least twice a week. I feel so relieved to have the support!

My friend was with me yesterday and I told her about my concerns with CPTSD and she said she suffered some abuses herself, so it was good to cry a bit in a good shoulder, with a sense of trust, it's so rare, isn't it?

Anyway, my therapist says I'm doing everything right regarding my mother, that I should keep the dialogue open and, since she's in therapy now, allow her some room to grow too. If she already realizes she perpetuated the abuses she endured it's a good sign that we don't have to live a life of anger between each other. Some anger I have towards her is the feeling that she didn't protect me from my father, and I've told her that and she says she understands that now. She also told me that's she's still processing the memories that came to me, that in her mind is hard to understand how my father could've done that to me. Some progress, I suppose. Maybe what we both need is to be mutually understood right now. She's doing her part, I'm also trying to do mine. I don't need to not feel the anger, just to not let it out in stupid things, and to be able to explain myself in the most calm and self preserving way possible.

I have this feeling of relief and sorrow at the same time, like I'm finally being listened to after years and years of anger for not being understood. The sorrow comes from the inner child that still doesn't know how to process what happened when I was a child.

My therapist said that what I in fact remember regarding my father is considered a form of mild abuse, but enough, coupled with the other stuff I had to deal from him, to devastate my teenage and young adult life. He also said that the parts I don't remember will probably come up, eventually. But that the important part now is that I'm now facing it, instead of running away from it through drugs or alcohol or sex. That I already know how to form healthy coping mechanisms, that I just need to heal from now on, that I'm already on the right path. 

This is liberating, I don't feel trapped anymore. Let the healing begin.

Sorry to be posting so much lately, I know others have issues too. I'm trying to clear my head until monday, when I have my therapist's appointment. (I promise not to start another thread tomorrow  )

I'm trying to understand chronologically how it all happened. The perpetuated idea that I was a happy child was shattered. Last week a friend told me I live in a bubble (for other reasons, mainly good reasons) and that got me thinking that I was in fact living in all sorts of bubbles. One bubble was putting my father either on a "poor guy, the misunderstood" pedestal, or the "it's all his fault I'm so messed up" doormat. Another bubble was that my mother protected me, and that it was the fault of my own bad behaviour that she was so harsh with me. Well, the bubbles bursted and I realized I'm in reality now. Both my parents, each in their own way, abused me. That's a fact.

When I started rebelling I became the scapegoat, too screwed up to be helped. Only when I became trully insane, in the true meaning "talking to myself on the street" insane, self harming and with suicide attempts, my sister forced my mother to help me.

My mother, then, began entering a guilt trip and fell into a great depression. I've been helping her, perpetuating a not so healthy relationship in my opinion. I value too much her opinion, she always has an opinion. There are endless stuff but I'll try to keep this short. While helping her, I have to help myself too, and my Bipolar Disorder.

A few months ago I gave up on my dream of having children, until I have my mess of a head in order, if it will ever be. I refuse to continue the line of abuse that's going on for generations on each side of my family. When I revealed this to my therapist he began poking around my wounds and mentioning neglect, emotional abuse and physical abuse. In the meanwhile, last week, I had memories resurfacing that hint sexual abuse from my father. My mother says I slept at his place when I was 5/6 years old, but I have no memory of that, and I remember perfectly lots of things from that time. It was the same period when I started crying, demanding not to be alone with him.

I realized, in order to not retraumatize myself, that it could be just inadequate behaviour and not exactly sexual abuse. My father was messed up, alcoholic, unmedicated bipolar, he had so many issues that it's impossible to count them all. So, I'm trying to remain focused here, I won't jump to conclusions. If memories resurface, than it'll be when I'm ready, and I feel that now I'm not ready. Either way, there was definitely innapropriate behaviour too triggering to mention here.

Then I became a teen. I started rebelling against my parents' instability and began being unstable myself. I had agoraphobia when I was 13, I saw a therapist back then. My father started having multiple hospitalizations, I saw him almost dying full of wiskey bottles unable to leave his bed for days on end until we found him, etc.  Then, I started drinking and doing drugs. I was kicked out of school, ran away from home, my mother coulnd't handle me, I went to live with my grandmother who was dying of Alzheimmer's. I lived there for three years and life became better, I didn't live with my mother's instability, but I drank a lot because I was lonely. School and grades were good, though.

I went back to living with my mother and things only became worse, at that time my mood swings were showing and I could be fine at one point and angry the next. She knew and liked to push my buttons and we had huge fights, some of which violent, when I would lock myself in my room and dissociate for hours in a fetal position, only to wake up hours later to her pretending everything was alright.

I finished highschool, my father died and I went to take a cinema degree. I was paying for it myself, and working. Hated my classmates and quit. My mother threw me out of the house because of the guy I was seeing back then. Had no choice but to go live with him, turns out he sexually, physically and emotionally abused me for three years. I kicked him out of the house, began a series of unfortunate relationships that didn't last more than a few months. Had my manic episode, ended up in the hospital, came to live with my mother again.

Now, she says she's aware of the abuses she put me through, that I wasn't easy to deal with though. I must agree that it is not easy to have a child with a mental illness, but still, throwing me out of the house repetedly was not the answer, all I needed was love and affection. I was crying for help!

She's in therapy now, and he's dead. I went NC with him the last few years of his life and he called me two days before he died and I didn't pick up.

I'm left with horrible symptoms, angst and anger. Will I ever be able to be safe from this? Will I be able to be free from her? Is it possible that I can have children and not be as horrible as them?

Well, thanks for reading and understanding. I promise I won't post much more.

Hey everyone. I'm so glad I joined this forum, I've been reading a lot about childhood abuse and this forum has been a great help, reading your stories makes me feel like I'm not alone. So thank you for that.

So, these last few days I've been reading the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and I was nodding my head all the way through the various forms of abuse thinking I've gotten a bit of them all during my childhood and teens, identifying common patterns and my C-PTSD reactions to those abuses and how my T has been wonderful in helping me treat them. Anyway, when I got to sexual abuse I thought I might as well skip it because I was sure I didn't have it, but kept on reading anyway for curiosity. Then, in the first few paragraphs the author mentions parents who like to watch their children taking baths in innapropriate ages. Out of the blue I started crying and flashbacks came, a distinct memory of my father making me take baths and watching me naked. I became incredibly distressed, took my SOS diazepam and waited to stop crying. Other flashbacks came, such as my punishments being sitting on his lap with him caressing my leg and me terrified. Well, a big deal of confusion came with it. Was my mind making it up? Did I ever sleep over at his house? (My parents split when I was 3) I can't remember ever sleeping there, so why was I taking baths? All sorts of questions. So I decided, not giving too much away, to ask my mother certain things.

My mother, althouth emotionally abusive during mostly my teens, I guess because she couldn't handle a teenager and had to prepetuate the emotional abuse she got as a teenager, was responsive. She told me I slept there, but only when my grandparents were there also (The house had two bedrooms, my grandparents' and his) so I must've slept with him. I don't remember any of it. She said when I was 5/6 I started throwing fits and crying saying I didn't want to be alone with him. That I only agreed to see him if all the family was present, grandparents, mom, sisters, so forth.

The book says sexually abusive parents are extremelly jealous of their daughters' boyfriends, and my father wanted to hit me the first time I said I had a boyfriend. Then later, when I was 17 I told him about another boyfriend and he said he wanted to meet him to beat him up for taking his little girl away.

There are a lot of things the book says that make sense to me, especially since I can't remember and only have small memories that came to me during flashbacks.

Do you guys think this can be false memories? Or, because I'm treating my PTSD it's all coming to me now?
Well, the good thing is that I actually cried and let my inner child out for a few moments instead of hiding her and be angry about all that.

My T wants to wait until we talk on monday to try and define this with more clarity, but if I feel I was abused than I was and that's what matters.

Hello all, I'm fairly new, hoping to meet more people here.

So, I'm 30 and living with my mother. I had a psychotic break due to mania from my Bipolar Disorder that is now under control. I lost job, friends, my independence. I'm still recovering, and the devastating wreck my past has been still gives me nightmares to the point where I can't function during the day. I'm currently living and working for my mother, in exchange for meds and therapy and doctors and some pocket money. She emotionally and sometimes physically abused me when I was a child. My father too, but more neglect and overall putting me in distressing situations. He had Bipolar too, but was unmedicated and was an alcoholic.

She has done therapy and is also doing it currently, and has admited her abuses although in her own way, making excuses for it, which never really rang as a truthful apology to me, but it's what I've got. She's better now, although she's still very manipulative and plays the victim card, making me feel guilty for not being more supportive. She has diagnosed depression and I helped her get help, a therapist and a psychiatrist and she's been doing better, more open, sometimes wants to give me a hug, which I find very distressing.

There's a lot to say here, but I'll try to go to the point.

I was just recently, a few days ago, diagnosed with cPTSD. I was diagnosed with PTSD before, for abusive relationships and sexual abuse in those relationships. Well, one can say I never really learned how to love and be in a healthy relationship. Never had one, even my friendships are weird, and I'm now disengaging from them until I can meet people who are more down to earth and can have empathy at least.

So, since the rediagnosis that my mind is in turmoil, I've been remembering a lot of stuff that was buried, such as words and small actions of neglect and abuse here and there when I was very little. My teenage years are easier to remember, but I still have gaps of memory from when I was 11 to 15, I can't pinpoint a lot of stuff there.

Sorry for the rambling. I need to find ways to cope and feel the pain, living with her and with her around. I noticed I've barely opened my bedroom curtains or leave my bedroom since monday. I only appear for meals and she's noticing and poking around.

Yesterday I was feeling strong and told her I'm dealing with my childhood in therapy and that my current diagnosis are Bipolar Disorder and cPTSD. She said she figured it would be like that and turned to her computer again.

I'm desperate to feel something more than trying to justify her behavior as a reaction to her past abusive childhood, or the need to get out of here and live on my own again, which is not happening any time soon. I'm in deep debt because of my manic spendings and irresponsibility, and I'm not in a mental place to begin working again. I dissociate a lot and stress can trigger another episode and I would like to avoid that.

Sorry for the long post. If you have any tips on how to handle this, a book to read, anything, I would greatly appreciate it.

Hey all, this is my second post here so hi to whoever I haven't met yet

I've been doing a mix of CBT/Construtivism/Humanistic therapy for more than a year now for my several disorders, and it's been working great.

About a month and a half ago one of my abusers in life (there were several - revictimization is strong in me) tried to sneak back into my life, huge trigger of course, I couldn't get out of the house except to go to my therapist or psychiatrist, it's a bit better now, but I'm still a bit shakey.

While confronting the demons, my psychiatrist noticed a pattern and communicated with my therapist that I probably have cPTSD, who in turn made me see the abuse I've experienced as a child as abuse and not something natural. I used to say that I was abused, but no one ever believed me and my abusers always lied so I gave up long ago for any justice, and I'm now okay with it.

I came back "home" to live with one of my abusers, mostly neglect and emotional abuse during my childhood, and it's difficult for me to actually feel anything more than anger, then misfired anger to things that aren't important.

My therapist is using a good method that has worked wonders for me so far called the Dialogical Self, look it up if you're interested. Between a multiplicity of selves, I have a self that is injured, and a protective self that is angry all the time, and my own self that is compassionate and forgives my abusers that no longer have a hold on me, because I developed ways to protect myself.

The thing is, I can't cry. I can't feel my vulnerable and hurt self/child for more than a few moments at a time, on which my eyes water up but no tears come out. My therapist says I've disconnected with her, and I do dissociate when confronted with a situation where she has to come out.

My homework for the week is not to let my angry protective self get in the way, and it's working so far. I feel more balanced and with more appropriate responses to things. But always afraid I'm going to explode.

It's like I've woken from a dream that I didn't know I was in. Someone finally realized what happened and is now listening to me, and for that alone I'm thankful.

Thank you for reading, I guess I just want to know if this is normal.