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Well, I crashed. And crashed hard. Trying to maintain my head above the water.

Constant nightmares, constant need for sleep, falling asleep in front of the tv and having more nightmares isn't helping.

I've been trying to keep busy, but that only makes me more tired. Can't stand in front of the computer long.

Triggered by accessing my IC, and feeling the unbelievable amount of pain in a ball in the center of the chest, also triggered by the last appointment with T, which left me raw and with unfinished business. He did prolong the appointment, it was just not enough. Feeling a bit lost inside myself without guidance, but will have to make until the next appointment this week.

Nighmares consist of me living happily ever after with my abusers and enjoying it, while my Self is in the back of my mind telling me "This isn't right", it's recurring and I always wake up entrenched in sweat and with palpitations in my heart. The content is always different, though, the theme is the only thing recurring.

Wishing for a better tomorrow. Will take a walk now.

 

  to you Three Roses.

On not fitting in, I found a good Ted Talk about it, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnooCepNZv4. It was funny because it was just a few minutes after writting this and I wasn't even looking for it. Made me feel better.

I wish I could release it all. The anger being subsided is actually good for me, for a lot of years I exploded with so much frequency everyone was afraid of me. Now I'm gentler and only explode when my boundaries are being severely pushed aside, which I don't tolerate well at all. Crying though, I can't do it. I cried when I was triggered into an EF, reading about sexual abuse. But since then I can't.
My T says I need to have a ritual with the elements. Either with fire, or by the sea, or in the wind, or with the soil. He thinks that a ritual might help my IC to release her burdens.

I just made an incredible journey with my IC just a few moments ago, with a guided meditation from Youtube. I'm feeling so relaxed that I'm afraid all the relaxation will go away. Tomorrow I'll do another.

This is amazing

In light of this, and with the inability to speak to my inner child, I did a Youtube meditation just to start getting connected to her and it worked. I'm filled with love right now, and I have you (and youtube channel) to thank for 

  to your inner child
to your grown up who's ready to let go

Crash imminent... Forgot to take my meds yesterday, hopefully I won't crash today and tomorrow will wake up better. Not the best timing to forget my medication, I'm still raw from the last T appointment. Crash for me means not being able to get out of the couch all day, not taking care of myself, not being able to discern the bad thoughts from reality.

So I will try to sum up what has happened so far...

Realized a bunch of things
- I'm angry and in repressing that I might get health problems...
- Can't let my anger go, or release it fully, so I exercise.
- *TW small part* I have a deep part of me that is self destructive, wants to shut the entire system down. But instead of just getting it over with, I sleep it off. I'm actually kind of proud of myself for that, I could be so much worse, but instead I keep the survival mode on, in hope of a better future. *TW over*
- I don't feel I fit in anywhere, I'm always an outsider looking in at everything. This brings me both satisfaction, as if I'm somehow different from the herds and that's a good thing, and sadness, because well, we all want to fit in somewhere.
- The damage done to me is too big to fit in my mind right now. I feel I'm not yet ready to face it, yet I'm forced to by just living with my mother.
- I want to release it, but I can't cry again, something blocks me. It's like this giant wall of strenght keeping me from trully feeling the anger and the pain, like I'm not allowed to feel. I need to feel.
- In allowing the further abuse after my childhood, I dealt with so much evil that I see evil intentions everywhere now. I've become rather paranoid about others, always thinking they have the worst in mind, either about me or things to do to me.
- I know what steps to take in my life but don't have the strenght to take them. All I want now is peace.

Good things:
- I'm very strong and resilient. I've endured so much in so little time that I deserve this break to just allow myself to heal a bit.
- My mother isn't staying at home all day for the next few years as she started working on a new job, I have time to process my emotions from now on. Today is day one of that, I'll go back to my books.
- People, shmeokle. I don't need to be surrounded with people in my life to be happy, just a few good friends is enough, and I've learned how to appreciate the good people in my life more these past few months.
- I will take my T's advice and stop running, I will face my issues head on, even if that means getting worse before getting better.
- Work has been good, it will be better without my mother's interference. Yesterday I was able to keep my cool as she had a small meltdown.
- This whole experience of realizing my mother too is a survivor of abuse made me more compassionate, and maybe that's why I don't feel the need to be angry at her. But the lingering issue of "maybe I should" continues... For future reference though.
- Realizing my father was a complete piece of *.
- Realizing all my relationships were somewhat abusive, and some very abusive.
- None of those people have control over me anymore.

That's enough for today. 

Hi  Read your previous post for the answer to "when?", you've got it right there. It's when you'll be ready for it, not before.

Anxiety criples me too, but we can work it out.

Welcome 

Oh yes. Hi!

I have Bipolar Disorder. First diagnosed with Schizophrenia, after years of telling my doctor I had problems with mood swings and he ignoring me saying they were situational, I went to another psychiatrist that diagnosed me with Bipolar. Later she realized there was something more, and her (working with my T) started treating me for CPTSD with a non pathologizing method, to clear all stigma in my head about having a label or several.

So far, I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia then bipolar, generalized anxiety disorder, ocd and ptsd. There was a period there that my old psychiatrist wanted to throw BPD into the mix, but my T says for sure it's not it. Now, bipolar and/or CPTSD. Depending on the research that comes out in the next few years and what will happen to the CPTSD diagnosis.

Honestly, I don't know which disorder they want to label you with, but I wouldn't worry too much about the label but the symptoms and if it has treatment.

Good luck.

That's interesting, about the dopamine crash. I didn't know that. We learn something every day 

Yes, definitely. 

But I do it one step at a time though. Maybe because my mother is extremelly neurotic, I deal well with situations of stress and try not to overwhelm myself. But when I do get overwhelmed, I take a deep breath and think "Baby steps, one foot at a time"

Since you're starting over at a new place and everything, maybe look for a routine you really like. Go for coffee at a certain place, eat something that makes you feel good, cook for yourself at dinner, look for good recipes, etc. Pamper yourself.

It is time for us to heal.

I agree, Dee  

Thank you Hope, it means a lot. 

My T brought up the idea of bringing back the memories of sexual abuse again yesterday. I was trying to forget about it to be honest, but he wants me to try and deal with it, when I'm ready.

Since then, I'm feeling detached from myself.

I need to deal with this, so here goes.

*TW ahead*

I made my mother realize that my father was an abusive person, emotionally towards her, physically towards my grandpa, and sexually towards me and possibly my sisters. It came as a shock to her, she didn't realize it before he was that abusive.

My father had no boundaries with me, we had a weird too-close relationship, but not father-daughter relationship, it was weird and I don't want to think about it completely. Anyone relates? He forced me to kiss him, he watched me take baths, I can't remember if he actually touched me or not. I will remember it eventually, when I'm ready.

He also had few boundaries with my sisters, although not the same extent as me as far as I'm aware. My middle sister also revictimizes herself. My oldest sister had the strenght (or luck) to find a great guy, they're married for a lot of years now and have three wonderful kids. The oldest was the favorite, maybe he didn't do anything with her, maybe he had more self control back then, who knows? I'm the youngest and was his daughter during the worst and most difficult period of his life, both my sisters were adults then and dealt with him with contempt and went NC. I stayed and took care of him, dealing with his problems. They only broke NC to protect me, especially my middle sister. I was angry at them for so long, I'm not anymore.

People like to glorify him since his death. I fell for it. My sisters carefully exchanged looks between them when that happened. The truth is, they are actually closer to his side of the family than I am. I was always the outsider, closer to my mother's side of the family.

I was also the scapegoat, my middle sister is perfect and my older sister is strong. I'm the weak one, the mentally ill one, the troublemaker, the drug addict, etc etc etc. Nobody sees it as an injury, it took me so long to see it like that, thank god for this forum and my T.

For so long I allowed to be abused over and over again, for 20 years. I made the math since the time I was possibly sexually abused by my father. Maybe I'm still allowing it, by living with my mother currently and having to take the blame for my injuries.

I'm lost and feeling detached. The memories will only come when I'm ready for them to come.

**TW**

So... my T says it's time to stop running, that we're not dealing well enough with the underlying issues, that we're barely scratching the surface for more than a year now and that something needs to change in our dynamics. Of course I blamed myself, but he said it's not my fault or responsibility, that he allows the distractions in fear of retraumatizing me.

He was very adamant in letting me know what my current issues are, without criticizing. I was beginning to forget and dismiss the possible sexual abuse, and he reminded me that I have all the symptoms, just not the memory of it. I hate this idea that he's pushing me to believe that something happened, destroying the bubble of the slightly dysfunctional family dynamics I once had, replacing it by the terror that was actually present. I'm not blaming him though, it did happen, I can't barely go to the Sexual Abuse subforum in fear of being triggered. I haven't spoke about my father in the latest appoinments either, like the forbidden subject that it is in my head.

I explained that since I'm living with my mother, it's extremelly difficult for me to look into her abuses without filling myself with anger or vulnerability, allowing her to perpetuate the blame game, making it all my fault again, retraumatizing me all over again and putting me in a position of having to be extremelly fake in order to overcome the rest of my life's obstacles that I face now. He understands, but thinks that if I allow myself to put my foot down and take control over my life that I will grow as a person, that I can do that without being confrontational and agressive. Something I have to learn, I guess.

So, we approached the revictimization part of me without allowing her to take over. It was progress, because it didn't send me to an EF, I had dissociation and dizzy spells during the appointment, and had to sleep all afternoon after the appointment to shake it off. Then later into the night I had a nightmare and woke up at 5 am, couldn't go back to sleep. So, it messed a bit with me but I know I have to allow it to happen to really pin point exactly what we need to deal with in therapy. We're back to weekly sessions, too.

The nightmare was about the idea of love, I felt it in my heart, but the things around me that happened were messed up and preverse, toxic relationships with toxic people from my past. They were rescuing me from my mother, just for me to land myself in another toxic situation. But I was feeling love, I was feeling joy that they were back, that those preverse things were happening. Woke up all sweaty and shaking, not believing that I was actually capable of putting myself in that situation again and again and again.

The part of me that revictimizes herself is very strong, she learned how to do it when we were just a child and never let go of that behaviour. She learned how to accept any kind of abuse and just roll with it, thinking she is strong to endure some more. Another part of me is tired of her, and wants her gone, dead. My Self wants to heal her, because I recognize she has good qualities, and they need to be cherished. This was the only progress in therapy this week, it was frustrating.

We also talked about my "end of the line" part, the suicidality part. It hasn't been present, but my T wanted us to aknowledge that it exists, although it's not a problem right now, it can be when we go deeper. The last time he came (and almost succeeded) I was blind by shame and pain, that can surely happen again and we don't want that.

I'm a bit frustrated today and don't know where to turn. I told my T yesterday that I want to haste progress, "Lets go, come on, hurry up". My T reminded me that it is another part of me, not my Self. Then we talked about how curious my Self is to ther other parts, how present it has been. Ugh, it's a step backwards for me. I was able to distinguish parts from the Self but now I feel I'm unable to again.

Then the daydreams, the "morphines" as my T calls them, the dissociations and all of that, that appear to distract me from progress.

I need to have patience, this will take so much longer, I'm just in the beginning.