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**continuing TW here too.**

Yes, I took part in similar behaviours. My dolls were very sexualized, my first kiss (at 6) was with a girl and she became very uncomfortable and refused to play with me again because of my sexual behaviour with her... Something I'm deeply embarassed about, to this day she can't look me in the eye. I figure it also has to do with some homophobia too, but it's weird, I felt like I abused her. She was a bit older than me, maybe 3 years older.

After that I went into complete lockdown until I was 12, when I had my "official first kiss" with a boy. I couldn't kiss him properly, I was too scared. Then at 13 I loosened up with a boyfriend I was more comfortable with. Then after that at 14 I was sexually abused and stayed with the guy, accepting my fate like I had consented. My T thinks I knew I hadn't consented but something in me allowed and permitted the abuse, repeating behaviours from my childhood. At 16 I was able to be sexual again, but this time I was in control.

4 years later I was sexually abused again, but I was no longer a child.

Boatsetsailrose, that's great. It's what I try to do, my house has been spotless Ahah!

Thanks Slim, unfortunately it's not exactly the same. I read the same thing but it just doesn't work that way. My obsessions are what my T calls them of "morphines", escapes not to deal with reality or intrusive thoughts from actual OCD that don't go away just because I want them too.

I have a process for intrusive thoughts: 1- "It's just another thought." 2- "I'm a good person" 3- "Everyone has them, no one admits it"  It works for me. They aren't as strong anymore.

Hey and welcome jenny

Yes, I agree it's perfectly natural. I crash too. Currently working with my T to be able not to crash, because I have Bipolar disorder as well and after the depression comes mania and it's * on earth to stabilize. I prefer to have just the terapeutic amount of medication :\

Yesterday we talked about how to approach one of my wounded parts of myself, this time a grown up who experienced a lot of abuse with the process of revictimization, and I crashed. But instead of crying, obsessing or becoming incrinsigly irritable, I went to sleep and slept all day after the appointment, then made dinner, watched some tv and slept for another 6 hours. lol... I did have dreams connected to what we talked about in therapy, but I'm not in an EF.

I think, once we start dealing better with it, the EFs diminish for us to be able to trully deal with it all. One thing that helped a lot was to remember that it's all over and we're on the present moment, maybe during all your therapies you went over mindfulness? It's really helpful for these situations.

Anyway, it's good that you're feeling something 

I remind myself I am wasting resources.

That's great! I can work with that. Thanks, Dee

Sorry, Kat, I have to disagree a bit. Although I agree we were victims, and because I have extreme bouts of depression as well, I also identify in not liking being labeled as a victim anymore. The learned helplessness that comes with it it's incredibly hard to overcome. Took me a long time to get out of that hole and realize that I'm in control of my thoughts, my life, and I bear the responsibility of my actions, even in having Bipolar disorder which can mean losing touch with reality for periods of time. But that only gave me more endurance to be responsible for my life. Something that having BP taught me though, is that is perfectly okay to have depression, it's usually triggered by something and that something is what we should look at. Depression is often called an illness, but I think it's a symptom, it can be a symptom of a myriad of things, in our case, CPTSD.

Phoenixbetty, I'm also living at my mother's house, so you're not alone. I'm just 3 years younger than you and struggle with the same, like time is running out. But it's still possible to overcome this, I'm sure of it.

Our values aren't theirs to attribute, we've earned them and we're deserving of appreciation for them.

Our families don't dictate what's right or wrong with us, not even "functional" families can do that. As we refuse to sustain more abuse, to perpetuate the lies and charades, their masks fall off and we see them.

We can have our opinions about them but that won't change them, why would their opinion about us change us?

I think it was very brave of you to say "enough", to be honest.

  You'll manage to save yourself, the worst part of your story is in the past.

Thank you Blueberry for the encouragement 

I haven't binged in a month or so, maybe a bit more. I'm not starving myself either, which is great. If I'm hungry, I eat some fruit or low calorie crackers. I've been eating lots of veggies too

Now a different subject that I came here to put into words, related to relationships with people. I've been reading on NPD, Sociopathy and Psychopathy and realized all my big three "loves" (so far) have traits of these disorders, the first one sociopathy, the second one NPD and the third one psychopathy. Big red flags while reading on the subject, like my mind has been opened. I'm NC with two of them, except the sociopathic one.

My relationship with him is distant, but present. As you who read me probably realized by now, I'm too tolerant (mother, father, entire family, friends, etc) putting myself in dangerous situations. With him it was always amazing, too good or too bad too. But I accepted him with his issues, complicated issues (rage outbursts towards his loved ones), and realized later when he was with another girl and we were friends that he did dwell a lot on evil things, and became incrisingly more on the dark side as the years passed by. Breaking the law a lot, doing a bunch of stupid stuff... He eventually stopped that as far as I'm aware. But I don't know how he's doing inside his head. I'm a good friend of his family, and maybe because they are so welcoming of my presence and make me feel like part of the family (something I'm very vulnerable of, of course), I haven't completely erased my presence from their lives. I keep my distance, though. We chat through text messages but nothing too personal, just chit chat. I think it's time for me to break completely from that relationship and move on with my life to greener pastures.

The other two, the NPD one was very abusive. The one who kept my weight on a low threshold. Physically, sexually and mentally/emotionally abusive, to say the least and use few words. Then he appeared as my rescuer right before I was hospitalized, as per my then "friends" request. He does know how to keep appearances... Well, this relationship is a big trigger of course for me. This whole thing of being diagnosed with CPTSD came with him trying to lure me back into his life, calling my sister because I wouldn't answer his messages and so forth. My T and Psych then realized there was something more than just simple PTSD, given my symptoms and how I reacted to that attempt of approach. My sister dealt with it, I didn't talk to him. For so long I thought I only had PTSD from this relationship, but turns out it was just another symptom of something much larger. If I ever encounter him again, I hope I will be strong enough to deal without spiraling out of control again.

Then, the last one. He pulled a bunch of tricks on me, that I now recognize as being psychopathical. He even had that stare, that is commonly known. He cheated, showed me, made me feel inferior. He had a huge control over my emotions. I was madly in love with that one and it took me a long time to forget him, years. He went NC with me, actually, but that's another story for a different time, another trauma related to my psychosis. I can say I was too crazy for him to deal, which isn't too bad given the circunstances. lol One has to laugh, otherwise the pain takes over.

Well, all this to say that even though these people were in my life and made a mess out of me, I endured and here I am. They have no control over me anymore and one of the focuses on my therapy has been learning how to recognize the red flags and learn how to appreciate good relationships.

I feel weak because I allowed myself around so much evil througout my history, but a bit stronger too because I was able to overcome that.

My T appointment tomorrow will be interesting for sure.

My relationship with food has always been complicated, like every other relationship I have had.

During this process on harmonizing the relationships between all my inner parts, inner children, critics, protectors, etc... I've come to realize the only way I learned to cope was with unhealthy coping mechanisms, not sure about how they developed into full blown disorders but there you have it, they did. The scars are deep, and I'm only at the surface right now.

Lately I've been eating healthy and exercising, taking better care of myself, not listening to what others say to make me feel better "Oh, you look great!" "You're not fat at all"... And all of that stuff that is very PC but not helpful or truthful.

So I realized, reading an article today, that I always looked as food as either my enemy or a coping mechanism (sweets, junk food, comfort fattening food). Lately that's changing, I'm engaging more in cooking recipes that not only taste good but are healthy too, so food is not my enemy or a coping mechanism anymore, it's feel-good fuel. My clothes are starting to fit better again, even though I have a long way to go. My belly shrinked a bit, which I'm very happy about.

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, inside and out. Therapy alone won't do it, I need to be proactive in my relationship with life in general. I think starting to have a healthier relationship with food, which is our sustenance, helps me have healthier relationships in general, not settling for just not feeling lonely and not enduring any kind of abuse or manipulation from anyone. Food came as a substitute for love, I binged crying because I was alone. Before that, I exchanged food for love, I hardly ate and weighted 40kg, skinny as a stick.

One of my abusive ex's used to constantly check my weight and warn me when I gained some weight, making fun of me. I had to always be skinny, never weighting above 47kg, which was below the healthy level. Sigh...

But as my T says, I'm different now and refuse to endure any more abuse. So, as rebellion against that I want to reach a healthy weight, toning my muscles and feeling better about myself, not because of others but because I now loathe to look myself in the mirror.

Then the paradox arises, thinking wether I want to lose weight because of my inner critic, listening the annoying voices of those who called me fat, or rather to really feel good about myself. I'm choosing to believe it's to feel better, since I actually am feeling a lot better (more energy, more activity, more pleasure out of life) and to have a healthier sense of self, feel in control of something instead of allowing food to be my enemy.

I'm so sorry it's been this hard for you 

Hoping your strenght starts to come back soon!

 

Aw, this is sweet, I love it.  Thanks for sharing

I also got obsessed, with any cluster B types really, since I experience a wide range of abuse from different people with different traits.

It's like that saying, when we're a hammer we see everything as nails.

 

Music is incredible, it can open up a flood of emotions, it can lift us up or bring us down. It's incredibly powerful. It has always been for me, I'm constantly listening to new music, finding new records, artists, or just songs on youtube.

There's this great documentary that I saw two days ago about music, it's on youtube, called The Art Of Listening. It really changed the way I listen to music now, it brought a new dimension to my perception. As just listeners, we often forget about the art and processes that it takes to build just a single song, yet musicians do it every day, building new tidal waves of emotions for their listeners, just out of the pure joy of making art. I think that, on itself, is a simple enough reason to give us a flood of emotions. I think art is exactly that, a new perspective on emotion.

To answer your question, yes. Sometimes I get tearful, other times it gives me energy, other times it triggers something in me that I don't like, even if it is not related to a specific event or person, some songs or any form of art, can remind me of something and bring out the emotions related to it.

Great topic, Hope!