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Thanks Kizzie!

Hope67, I greatly appreciate you relating to what I wrote    My partner is truly supportive and one of the most helpful people in my life with all of this. I could not imagine or ask for anyone more supportive, really.


BB, Thanks for celebrating my decision to not go see my FOO. The complicated feelings we both know so well are challenging and seem to come up anytime I have to make that decision. I can't yet bring myself to go no contact but maybe one day that will be a route I tread. It is a thing I think about sometimes.


Also, you are so sweet for saying that you think of me when you write about members that get better and beat a lot of CPTSD stuff. It is always okay that you write that and it made me smile a lot. I am working a ton in my journey but I do still feel like I have gotten so much better! I am at a point where I can enjoy my life, even when I am working on repressed memories. My trauma no longer knocks me out or decides for me what I do with my life. It is still hard at times but the person I was when I first found this forum feels like a completely different person.

This is more of a positive post. 

I have been living with my partner for like 10 months and it is going so well! Certainly an adventure but something that I am so glad for.

I am still absolutely loving my job and learning to be better at it every day. It is much less often that my own trigger gets brought in and I feel more resilient in my work as well as more skilled. Plus I have my full independent licensure which is even better! That was such a long goal. I am about 4 months away from finishing my Registered Paly Therapist certification as well. Big things and exciting ones at that

Sort of a brief update (I might add more in the private journal space when I am able).

I can't really remember what I shared in my earlier journals about my more recent healing journey so if some of this is a repeat... oops. It is helpful for me to type it all out though. I will sort of organize it so it is easier to read.

**TW** There will be small mentions of CSA but no details **TW**

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First major update is that I have had sooooo many repressed memories come back about my family. Especially my D who I knew was kind of crappy but did not understand why I had such a difficult time with him. All of my repressed memories have been of SA and PA from him that I so drastically needed to dissociate in order to survive living with him for all of those years.

The second big part of that revelation is that I was not even truly able to walk when that abuse likely started to occur. It is earlier than I knew or really could imagine but body memories and such have ensured that I understand that it was real. I went through a pretty big period of grief over it and am still truly trying to come to a full acceptance.

Other than that trauma narrative-wise, I am just getting a lot of pieces that fill in blanks that I did not even know I had. 
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Change of subject: My M had a heart attack around a month ago. She is recovering and okay but it was terrifying and brought back even more of my conflicted feelings toward my FOO. I realize I have not seen everyone in like 3 years and unless my M was truly on her death bed... I couldn't bring myself to fly and visit. Even with the heart attack... I decided not to go home to ensure my own well being. Had she shifted for the worse, I would have but It would take someone dying or almost dying at this point. It is hard to see that my relationship has shifted so much.

Hi Kizzie, I would love access to this space. The option to keep up with a few people I am more close to here. As well as a space to keep safer for more recent updates with my FOO that is better more safely shared.

Hope67, thank you for your kind words! It is good to hear from you

Blueberry, so good to hear from you as well. I did not know that about journals. Very cool to know that there is now the ability to keep a private one. I will look at that for stuff that I may want more to just myself. I haven't gone through to look at all the changes yes

Hi Armee and Woodsgnome! It is good to see/hear from you both. I am glad to have come back. I think as soon as I sent that message I got into a million other things so I have not really gotten to spend time updating yet.

A lot of it boils down to truly learning more about my FOO and how abusive my D was to me. I have had a lot of repressed memories return and struggled with a lot of difficult moments of acceptance and grief. I am definitely deep in grief this week which is part of why I felt the need to try to come back again (glad it worked this time!).

Thankfully, I am still with my wonderful partner (we even have our own place now), at a job I love, and able to function despite the intensity of my trauma work right now.

I will share more specifics soon but it is good to update even if just vaguely.

Hi all! Some of you know me from a long time ago. I have tried to come here a few times but lost my account and finally figured out how to get it back. There are and have been some major updates in my life and trauma recovery. I figured I would write a small little intro post before diving into it today. I am not sure what or how much I will update on but I am excited to come back here for a bit to have a space to put these things.

To those of you who I already know, I am glad to be back and hope to catch up a bit on things here but it will take me time   

Thank you both 

San, you are right about fighting our brains being exhausting. I have found that I don't necessarily 'win' in those fights. It feels more like coming to some understanding, compassion, and shifting. It sometimes takes more time than others to get to a place where I can release the need to fight it to get to that place. I am hopeful I can get to a place where I am not fighting it soon. I know I have a choice in that but it is always easier said than done.



Armee, that was all beautifully put. I think trying to really recognize it as a survival mechanism and understand the neurological basis for it will help. I logically know those things, I studied and teach those things but it is hard. I do need to remember that though. It is how I survived all of the horrific parts of my childhood. Without it, I would not have survived at all. I think one day I will come to accept or at least have some compassion for this. I am excited to see my therapist on Friday and work through it. I think today is the first day where I feel like there is any chance it will shift. Before today it felt very much like there was no room for movement or other perspectives.

Thank you, Blueberry  It helps to not feel alone and to be reassured that it doesn't mean I have changed or show up in the world any differently. I do think that most people with CPTSD are somewhere on the dissociative spectrum but it felt really big to be told I was farther on that spectrum than I was completely aware of. I think parts of me have a hard time with labels that feel like they make me any less than "normal". I know that is a part of myself that really tries to keep up appearances and prove myself to be what everyone needs me to be. I try not to listen to that part too much but it definitely got triggered up.

I am pretty exhausted from it all because I have been fighting my own brain since Friday. Hopefully, I can find a better sense of homeostasis soon.

Thank you for that reassurance, Armee. 

I have hidden my symptoms and trauma from the world as long as I can remember. You are probably right no one else would actively see the split inside unless I allowed them to. As far as it taking time to heal the divisions in my brain, I imagine it will take time. I think I fear that it will mean that I can't heal it or fix it, I guess. My perception of it feels very permanent right now. I imagine that isn't 100% accurate and is just what my brain is sort of struggling with emotionally

Thank you Blueberry  It is great to hear from you.


I got to do some normal human things and get some good connections with people over the weekend. It helped to feel more like myself and get out of my head some. I am still definitely struggling with it a bit. Feeling less intensely but still pretty concerned about it. I think it just makes me feel more broken and unfixable, after finally getting myself to a point where I didn't feel that way for the first time in a while. I know it will pass but I look forward to talking to my therapist more about it later this week. Really wish it was sooner rather than later but I know I can't rush that. I also know it has gotten better over time.  It makes me self conscious of how my brain works and how I exist in the outside world in a way that I haven't had in quite a while. I used to get that as a kid or even younger adult when I know my brain worked differently than everyone else I know (I was/am hyper-intelligent, with pattern recognition, and such that no one else could ever truly connect with). It made me feel different or like an outsider at times.. but I for the most part got over that and did find people whose brains worked similarly. Although, I still often find people telling me the way my brain works and how fast it works is fascinating (but it has mostly not bothered me). So being told I have osdd made me go back to questioning how my brain functions, how I show up in the world, and how much people around me maybe make concessions I don't know about. I don't love feeling the need to really pay attention to how I am showing up and be made to question my brain being not normal again. It is tough and uncomfy to say the least.

I am trying to be kind and realize that my brain has always functioned this way and that knowing a little more does not change that. It is hard to not be examining all the things I do and question my validity in the field etc...

San, thank you for sending all the comfort and love. It means a lot. Always grateful to have a virtual shoulder and ear  This realization definitely rocked me some but I know it will pass.


Armee, so good to hear from you always. I am grateful to have found a career I enjoy and can utilize the parts that have grown from all the pain in a positive way.

I appreciate all the perspective on osdd. It is still super new to me (despite knowing the dsm specifics). I find myself sort of looking for the ways it plays out in my day to day. I don't have a lot of day ro day amnesia, although a bit with like tv shows or being able to just shut off emotions/physical pain. My parts work has always been very vivid and I definitely have some strong split parts of self but no one that truly acts on their own externally. However, we have found a lot of amnesia related to past trauma. Like whole abusers and months I don't remember kind of things. It has been one * of a trip.

It is comforting and reassuring to me reminded that it doesn't make me broken or any different a person than I was. My brain had so much to contend with as a child I can only really imagine I survived because I could dissociate.

I will look at that website as well! Thank you 

Thank you both! It is good to come here, even if only ever few months.


San, I am so stoekd for my licensure! It technically doesn't change over until the last week of May (finishing up the 24 months) but I have everything done for it! No more hoops, just waiting for time to pass.

Also glad you get the feeling of wanting someone dead. My dad, I only ever interact with virtually (Although, outside of him texting me on my birthday I haven't interacted with him in a month or two). It just makes it hard to be able to video chat with my sister and niece which I miss.. Plus I can't see my grandparents in person and I want to do so before they get too much older.


To put a whole wrench in all of this... my therapist let it slip yesterday that I have OSDD. I know she is right, and she thought we had talked about it but we definitely had not. I know we had talked about me being a little closer on the dissociative spectrum to DID than I was to like normal dissociation but we had not talked about diagnoses stuff. It hit hard a few hours after my session because it made me feel broken, screwed up, different, and unfixable... Like the PTSD sure or even CPTSD would not have gotten to me at all. Something about dissociative disorders is harder and made me have to switch how I see my brain and how it functions. I know it doesn't actually matter and the stigma around those disorders is not at all warranted but it is coming in waves of grief.

Maybe knowing that I went through so many versions of * to need that level of dissociation and having to really accept the level of amnesia I had/have when it regards my past (I don't generally get any present day). Who knows, but it just felt like a lot emotionally.

Hi San 

I wanted to come here and just say I caught up on the recent journal entries and can tell you are going through so much. I can't possibly catch up on everything but wanted to read what I could.

I am hoping you are being gentle with yourself today and this week as you navigate all of it. Know that I am thinking of you and that EMS is also there if you need them.