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Topics - Elphanigh

#21
Therapy / Triggered by Group
September 13, 2018, 03:16:28 PM
So I have only had one session and am hopeful this won't continue but, I hit a major trigger right after having group therapy for the first time.I also had an awful nightmare about group setting that night as well.  Does anyone have experience with group that was similar? I don't want this to be a consistent reaction each week, and am hopeful maybe there is something I can do to help prevent it.

Thanks for any insights ahead of time!
#22
Recovery Journals / Elpha's adventure pt. 2
August 23, 2018, 07:08:37 PM
My other journal was getting obnoxiously long. I am also feeling like this is just a good starting point for a new one. I am settling into a new job, have brand new boundaries, a new home, routine, and just overall outlook on life. I am even starting a different form of EMDR come Monday evening with my T. As always I am excited but nervous for the new adventures.

Short post but I felt the need to do this while I was thinking of it, and maybe a short first post will lead me to less obnoxiously long ones in this journal. Goodness knows I always have lots of words  ;D
#23
Hey everyone, it has been a while since I have started a thread.. I have had so much happen but I haven't been sure where to begin. So Tuesday I had my therapy session and realized just how not equipped I am for grief. It is something that I was never given the chance to do or understand. It wasn't allowed, and it wasn't safe where I grew up. It was my job to care for everyone, so I never grieved for more than a few tears growing up. I have seen more deaths than I am years old, I have also had a lot of other loss in my life that was definitely worth grieving. Recently I have had two losses and feel the urge to grieve some of the stuff from my trauma as well, but I have a hard time recognizing and allowing those emotions to happen.


Has anyone else had issues with feeling grief? Or anyone good at grief that's might just have some general advice or things that helped?
#24
Family / Acceptance
June 22, 2018, 05:58:58 PM
Just needing to pose this question as I feel lost, and run over with this realization of betrayal.

*Trigger warning* FOO issues

After my therapy session on Tuesday, I have been getting this kind of righteous anger with my situation. Lots of parent wounds.  I don't want to stay there, but I spent so long denying their influence on this whole situation it is important to feel this anger for the first time..

I just don't know how to accept the fact that so much happened to me and there is virtually no way my parents didn't notice at least a small bit. There is no logical way they could have completely avoided seeing it. They had to have been in denial and so self absorbed. How do I accept that? How do I grow to accept that they would have known and decided it wasn't important?

They were abusive in their own way, but to know something else was going on and do nothing. To claim the role of caring,loving, adoring parents then look away when signs of sexual/physical abuse show up.. those things don't match. I can even begin to express the pain this realization is causing and the kind of anger and greif it brings up. My parents didn't do many thinga I deserve for them to do. This is by far the worst.

How does one come to accept that truth? How do I accept that my parents were either blind (almost as bad) or so far into denial that protecting me became unimportant??
#25
Poetry & Creative Writing / The Wall
June 20, 2018, 02:56:09 AM
I wanted to share a story that my therapist read to me today. It really hit some bells towards the end of it for me. I am hoping this will help and connect with someone else like it did for her and I. At the end of my session she told me she felt as if she was the story teller who was finally helping take someone else's blocks because she had taken down hers with help. A small moment of remembering she understands what this is like, and recognition that I am letting my own blocks be moved. Anyways sorry this is long, but worth the read.

"I sat inside my wall safeand secure from all the world. My wall kept me secure. My wall allowed no one to come near me, no one to touch me, no one to see the real me. My was was beautiful. I loved my wall. I had spent a lifetime constructing my wall. I had used only the choicest materials for building my wall. A large stone which was the centerpiece of my wall was resent meant. This was a rock that I cherished deeply. Next to this rock was another which I truly loved and this rock was self pity. Next to this rock was one called hatred. Next to it was one called rationalization. Next to it was one called fear. This was a large and heavy stone, one that I placed very carefully into my wall.

One was called anger. This was a large brightly colored rat one that the whole world could see. This was a very important stone in my way, because it warned off many people who tried to approach me as I sat behind my wall. Jealousy was another prominent stone in my wall. A stone that I had nurtured kept with me for years. It was my constant companion. Frustration was also part of my wall. In fact, my entire wall was fraught with frustration. It was the mortar that held the stones in place that protected me. As I said, it had taken years to build this wall and it protected me from the world and cushioned me from all reality, I loved my wall. No one could approach me. No one could get close to me.

Then one day as I was sitting securely behind my wall something very strange happened, I heard someone pass outside the wall, I couldn't see who it was. I heard their foot steps stop beside the wall and a flower was thrown over the top of the wall. A single delicate flower blossom fell at my feet. I picked it up and looked in wonderment. It was so beautiful. And I wondered who had thrown it, I was curious so I called out and asked who had thrown the flower. A voice replied "a friend,I replied "I have no friend", and I was happy again for my wall. There was a stone of doubt in my wall that allowed me to no be deceived by this person. Then I heard a strange noise. It was weeping.

The stranger outside my wall was crying. So I called out and asked why they were crying. "Because I care" they said they would like to breach my wall and come close to me. But I would not aloow this. So as the weeping persisted, I thought perhaps this person would not hurt me. Perhaps I could allow them to come a bit closer and not suffer any ill effects. So I pushed aside one small part of my wall, and one small stone I removed from my wall and left an opening.

To my amazement, the stranger outside my wall put his hand through the hole and stood there, asking nothing, expecting nothing— just an outstretched hand. Haltingly, hesitantly I reached out and took hold of the strangers hand. A very wondrous thing happened. I felt a warmth and a vitality in a strangers hand I had never known before. We stood there, holding hands through the walls ha built around myself. I thought perhaps this is one person I can get close to. So I told the stranger, if you will help me, we will remove a few stones from my wall so that you may pass through. The stranger he would be more willing to help.

So begrudingling I allowed the stranger to remove a few of the small insignificant stones from my wall until they made a large hole enough she could step through. She stepped inside my wall and said " I am here to help you, I am here to be a friend". This stranger was within my wall. I had no defense, so I placed my arms around the strangers shoulder and I wept. For at last I had found that I could allow another human being to come close to me and I would not be hurt.

The stranger said "if you help me we can push down the wall and freee you from it and allow you to see the beautiful world outside. I was very hesitant to allow my new friend to remove the stones, but one by one, together we dragged down the stones. Frustration left. We tore down the stone of resent me, which was harvey and defied movement for a long time. We labored together. Sometimes quickly and sometimes at a very slow pace, because I was still very hesitant. Finally the hole was larger enough I could loo out into the world.

For the first time I was not afraid, and I realized that this wall that I had built to protect myself had not only protected me from the world, but it had shut me off from the beauty of life and the world around me. That everywhere outside of my wall there were strangers and friends willing to help, who was willing to share their love and caring. (All of you btw)

There are still parts of my wall standing. But each time I Sheila myself from the world, I realize that I am cutting myself off from all that the world has to offer, friendship, love, and caring.  Upon thinking of my situation, I tear a little more  of my wall down. I am more able to enjoy the beauties of the world through a help of a friend. A friend who wanted  no more than to help. And I asked my friend, "how can I repay you for what you have given me? " my friend said "I see another wall. Behind that wall is another stranger who would like to be a friend. So now I pick a flower and I cast it over some strangers wall in the hope that I can repay some of what has been given to me. Of love, if caring, of the knowledge that there is goo and that good is there for all. And that all we must do is to open a little hold in out wall when we can view the world and the world can view us. The world can be a beautiful place. "

I really hope this resonates with someone the way it did me today. You have all been those friends outside a wall that I have been working so hard with my therapist to tear down.
Thank you for reading this far
#26
Had major progress in my therapy session today, and I am existing a bit on cloud nine because of it. We are using a mix of the flash method and emdr to process through my memories, for both me and the less integrated little Elphas. It is really taxing and difficult work but it isn't paying off. I got to the point with a memory today that it was neutral, and the positive beliefs were finally feeling true. "I survived, I am free" for adult me, for six year old me it was " I am okay, I am safe". This feels hopeful and light.

Getting to feel neutral and like the memory was just that, a memory, and not a current event is amazing. It is hard to explain that it feels like there is a distance from it. That it is okay and it sucked but I can handle it.  :cheer: I feel strong, brave, and free tonight.

I wanted to celebrate with you so much  :cheer:
#27
Inner Child Work / Being sick
April 26, 2018, 11:26:45 PM
Does anyone else experience a big spike in the neediness of their inner child when sick? I have a much more difficult time getting out of some of those younger emotions and desires when I am ill. Lots of this little elpha just craving a mother figure, or someone kind to take care of her.

While living alone I have to become that person myself, but it is hard to not feel that need for another human. That little girl needs comfort and I can not truly provide it when it is my physical body that is causing her distress.
#28
Physical Abuse / Part of my story *TW*
April 20, 2018, 04:19:25 PM
I am going to post here because I want to believe that my story is enough. That what happened is enough to warrant me claiming physical abuse as part of my past, and to be affected by it. I have always second guessed if my abuse was enough, if I had I thought bad enough to hurt and warrant all that I go through now. So I am posting with the courage I have to begin to accept that it is enough.

*trigger warning* physical abuse, both foo and not
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I remember many times being afraid when my parents fought. Often times I would get punished for even being around when it happened. A lot of times that meant getting spanked so hard I could sit for hours. Others it meant getting threatened with spoons or switches... if I ever displayed too much fear or cried I was told to just calm down. If I couldn’t they gave me something to cry about.. my M never left a mark but I remember it hurting more than anything I had experienced. My parents often told me I had nothing to be afraid of but I had seen my dad punch holes in the wall and been stretched over my M’s lap for a good round of hits before I was even six..

From my other abusers (there were many) there were more violent incidents.. always new bruises and bumps that would be explained away. One of them shoved me so hard into a car door that it got a dent... simply because I wasn’t cooperating and it would make me shut up. That incident went much farther but the getting tossed into the side of a car is what is important here.. I was maybe 8 or 9 at most when that happened at its worst. It certainly wasn’t the only time it occured just the only dent that ever got left.

When I was 5 or 6 I got shoved into a bathroom counter and quite literally tossed onto the floor, then made to bleed because I wasn’t cooperating.  Because I just couldn’t do it right. By a completely separate abuser... she was an adult who said she loved me.

The more violent ones were the ones I didn’t want to survive. There are always the ones where pulling me by my hair, or covering my mouth so I could breathe were enough to make me want to black out. At very least I wished for someone to leave a mark in the wrong spot, or to leave one that couldn’t be anything but a hand print so no one could deny it. However, they were always explained away. The bruises and bumps were because I was clumsy and active. No one ever questioned it. Both sides were playing the other which meant no one noticed the abuse from the other side. But I got to suffer more for it.

I wished so much for someone to make a mistake, or for one person to notice that I wasn’t as clumsy as they claimed. I wanted someone to see the bruise on my arm or leg and not just let the explanation given be enough.

Now I was never black and blue. These were always just small marks, or big ones that hid. Ones that were just there to serve as a reminder as to what happened when people got angry, or when I was scared. They were there to remind me to be quiet and not mess up. I always felt like since they were so small and that it wasn’t always this violent that my experience wasn’t enough. But if I listened to anyone else say these things I would never question it being enough.

Not a day went by from the time I was 5 to about 13 that I wasn’t hit, screamed at, or raped. Normally a combination of all three occured every day. I would never tell anyone else that it wasn’t enough.

Okay sorry, for all of the trigger heavy stuff. I needed to be brave and post it in one spot. I have never posted in this board because I never wanted to no belong I guess..
#29
General Discussion / Fear of the obgyn...
March 14, 2018, 03:13:11 AM
Not at all sure where to put this. (Other mods feel free to move this if it would be better suited elsewhere)


I feel like this is a safe place to talk about this. After my therapy session today, I feel the need to post and ask for advice, or experiences etc.  Also forewarning talking about some female health exams so if that bothers you don't feel like you have to read/respond.

*Trigger warning* for medical exams, csa, Foo issues


I need to go get a cervical exam, as I am over the age I should have started them and really want back on my birth control as my periods are abissmal. Is that a survivor thing? I have heard that from a lot of survivors now that I think about it.

Anyways I have a deep rooted fear of it, which is why I have never gotten one. They completely freak me out and bring out an extreme amount of terror for me. More than I am used to feeling now. I had a female abuser that used to play doctor in this way.... and then a male abuser that used to tell me he was keeping me healthy in that way. Especially with the female, this exam feels so much to me like my own trauma narrative it is almost impossible to separate it.

My therapist and I were going to work on processing that fear. She realized I had never had it explained to me and asked if I was okay with and if I wanted her to explain it to me. In her normal way she was very kind to me. Explaining everything from walking in the door to being done with it. It is a conversation my mom should have had with me, but never did. One I wish that she had, but know better than to wish for things like that.

We spent time processing the fear in form of a shape, trying to do some visualizations that will help calm the terror before going into more of the reasons why I am scared.

I need to find someone I can trust to do this, and figure out a good strategy to do it without just retraumatizing myself. I know this is an odd subject, thank you for reading so far.

Any advice or wise words?
#30
Art / Water lily
February 20, 2018, 05:14:36 PM
Hi everyone! I wanted to share this with you because water lilies remind me of healing. All of you have become such s large part of my healing journey, for which I am beyond grateful.  :hug: It isn't very good, but I intend to post more as I get better at them.  ;D

#31
Other / Odd question
February 20, 2018, 12:33:19 AM
So this is the only place I can think to put this. It is a strange question, but I have always wanted to know. It has taken me about ten years to be brave enough to ask, and about ten months in this forum this think it was okay to do so. It is strange so I wasn't sure, but I think at least one way or the other I will find some info. Even if it is that no one else has this.

I have been doing more loooking recently, I go through phases of it bugging me. Sorry rambling, I am still nervous to ask *sigh* since I was little when the abuse was at its worst, I have had these bumps on my stomach, they got worse as the years went on. Kind of settled out about the time that the worst of my trauma was done. They still develop some but not much. No doctor has ever been able to recognize them. I went to a dermatologist when I was about thirteen for them and he had no idea, even being trained. I also was not able to admit anything about the truth of my life at that point. I still have never gotten the chance.

I have found through much searching that stress and extreme trauma can cause certain things, but have not found enough to feel like it actually gives me an answer. Anyone have this, or read about this at all?

Sorry if this is too odd a query :Idunno:
#32
Letters of Recovery / Letter to E
February 14, 2018, 03:58:14 AM
Preface: I am calling her E for sake of simplicity here. It refers to my old narc flute professor. Also not sure if I am going to truly be able to write this with all the power I intend to.

Dear E,

I am done listening to all the ways you never thought I was good enough. You stole from me the very thing that made me who I am . It was the thing I have wanted and enjoyed most in my life. You took a hopeful freshman, who had nothing but light in her eyes, and tore her to pieces. You have such a talent for taking someone's love for the flute and smashing it under all the judgement and stifiling rules. Your studio was a place of battle for me, and others. I had to mentally prepare for a battle anytime I knew I was coming in for a lesson or a class. Even just a five minute meeting was something I would dread for days before hand. You turned my love for music into a hate for it. It wasn't music I hated but the abuse I was enduring that I hated.

I blamed myself and music for the horrible things you did. I was mad at myself and at music as a whole for all the ways I was feeling. I believed it was my lack or music's cruelness that was making me sick. That the girl that loved music, and dreamed of that life was just a stupid little kid that shouldn't have dreamed so big.

I am recovering from many things, one of those is you. I am reclaiming what you stole from me. I am more than enough. No matter what happens I am enough because music is something to be loved and enjoyed. It is not something to be sick over. I am done feeding into the system that did so much harm to me. I am going to play for myself, not for you any longer. I will come back from what you caused.

I wish you had treated me with the kindness that you spoke to others about me with. They all saw the proud teacher, they didn't see the one I saw. The one that almost stole my love for music. I will come back and be brilliant, and you will have no piece of the thanks for that. I continue despite you, and stronger than I ever was. I am done being your little flute player, I am done.
#33
Successes, Progress? / Starting again
February 11, 2018, 09:19:54 PM
I am not sure I have ever posted in this section of the forum before. It feels good of be finally able to do so  :cheer:

I drew strict boundaries with a narcissistic that have actually be maintained, doing that has brought me some peace in a few areas that abuse had stolen from me. My music has mostly come back. I can play for hours at a time again, remembering why I loved it before. I am claiming back a piece of me from all the darkness I went through.

This feels like true progress in my recovery journey
#34
Announcements / Server maintenance
January 13, 2018, 03:00:52 PM
Hi everyone,

Our IT person will be doing server maintaince on the forum. They are trying to keep the disruptions to a minimum, but if you experience any that is why. I imagine any of those will be short lived.

All the best,
Elphanigh
#35
Recovery Journals / Elpha's new adventure
January 06, 2018, 10:15:20 PM
This journal is going to replace my old one for a few reasons. One, it is obnoxiously long. Two, I have hit a changing point in my own recovery journey. This is also why I have labeled it with Elpha, for a name I am grtting called here more often, which is new and good.  Then new adventure because this is a new leg of my journey.


After reading and asking around a lot about setting recovery goals,  I have decided I really like the idea of words rather than a detailed list, because the list would guilt me and drive me crazy. I am posting here as a reminder that this space will help me get these.

1. Stability: I want to find stability in myself, not seek it from outside as much
2. Breath: I want to remember and learn to breathe more fully every day
3. Understanding: I want to make sure I am giving myself the same understanding as I give others, this includes younger versions of myself

Here's to a year full of healing, whatever that brings me.
#36
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Because of takeout..
January 04, 2018, 04:27:44 AM
I haven't posted a ton in this part of the forum, but I read it all the time. Hoping this is okay here, but currently not trusting my own judgement too much. I am coming out of an ef that came from out of basically nowhere. I had ordered Chinese food but two hours later hadn't gotten it, so I did the brave thing and called them. Somehow despite my confirmation number and such they don't have the order and can't do anything. I barely have food in my house becaus I have had time to get any since I have returned, and I am worried with work being so slow that I won't truly have any..


Somehow them not receiving this order sent me spinning. Like a wall of emotions, back to feeling small, useless, dependent... questioning everything I say or do. I felt so much like that little girl again. It is hard to catch myself in these sometimes. Like it is so easy to slip into an ef because they are so easily caused by stupid things.

I am frustrated at myself for that little thing to have brought out so much and sent me back to that place. Frustrated that I could let stupid things trigger me like that still. It was in fact just food..

Anyone else ever have odd things trigger their ef?
#37
Medication / Anyone take this?
December 13, 2017, 12:46:04 AM
So I am looking to get a new medication (have been off of them for quite a while). Wanted to see if anyone has taken propanalol?  It has been suggested for me by my T that has had some experience with it, and knows what I need the med to do for me. I just want to do some reading and see if I can find anyone that has more experience with it. I have to find a new psych so I am nervous about it.
#38
General Discussion / Being an Aunt
December 11, 2017, 01:31:32 AM
I was unsure of where to post this so I figured the general discussion session might be wise. If I am wrong, please feel free to move it or let me know.

I found myself really excited to get the news that my S is having a girl. This is going to be my first niece (abbreviation for this?). However, after this excited was a wave of concern and realization. That little girl will grow up in the same world that I did. She will live only about 15 miles from where I grew up. Her parents will be different, but I know mine will be very involved. My M has changed some but not fully. I realize that I am scared for her to grow up in this world. I am scared to let her be so close to that place, it always bothered me with my cousins but not to this extent.

I live far away from my FOO and that gap will only grow larger in the coming years. This realization hit because I won't be there to protect her. I will visit and be the cool aunt from afar... but I will never get to protect my niece. It isn't my job, but some of the old feelings that I had attached to my S come out. Matter of fact that is a realization in itself... I am attaching old feelings from having to protect my S onto my future niece. They told me her name today, and somehow it makes it more real, and scary.

Anyone ever experience this?
#39
Put and overall trigger warning on the title, but wasn't to reiterate this could be triggering. I need to get this off my chest, it will be some unloading and admitting to things I have refused to see and deal with for a long time, especially with my M.

*trigger warning*





Finally dealing with my FOO issues, especially around my M. Due to the rest of my abuse outside of my family, I put my M in the good category as a kid. She was the closest thing I had to a "good enough" adult (to use Pete walker). Now, however, I need to recognize and deal with the harm that was done. To come to terms with the fact that she did not in fact belong in the good category.

My mom was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. I had just always known she was "less " abusive, and let it be okay. I saw the progress she made as she got older, and ignored all the wrong she has done and does do.. I feel like I need to name some of her wrongs, to have them validated, so I can recognize it for what it is and start to heal.

-When I was little I had horrific nightmares (due to abuse I think), instead of comforting me like a M should do I got yelled at. Now my nightmares came with what I now recognize as panic attacks... I would shake, not be able to breathe, and a lot of times puke from it. Again, I got yelled at for them...
Told I just needed to stop thinking about it and "calm the * down"....
-when I was seven she found out about one of my abusers watching porn in the house... my M never did anything to try to comfort me, or to find out what was done to me.. she took a seven year old at her word when I told her not even enough for this person to see jail ever...
-she would scream and fight with my dad, or take out any anger from work on me. I purposefully made sure my siblings were out of the way, but it meant I took a verbal beating very frequently.


- got spanked so hard it could be heard from across the house, or got the wooden spoon used one me...I remember having to go pick a switch from a tree once (what happened after that I don't remember... it is one of my few holes) I had always told myself that she was just normal in spanking and disciplining me..l now see that most of the time it was physical abuse. I grew up with that and watched my siblings grow up with less and less of it. Eventually none of it for them because M grew wiser, and kinder with them... I was the example

-I had to become a mom for my siblings for a while, and had to watch as she was moment of a mom to them than she ever was me...

- I broke my collar bone when I was 8.. I was so afraid of her by that age that I waited about 6 hours to tell anyone that it hurt. I was so scared of waking them up and complaining that I sat in a quiet corner holding my arm crying until someone woke up..

- I was never allowed to cry,or say I was stressed...  because there was "no way I understood stress"

- when my depression fully manifested she acted in ways that created a stronger need for me to attempt suicide.. she made it worse.  She locked me away, watched my food intake, gave me no outlet. She refused me any actual help or anyone to reach out to. Instead she forced me to act adappear as if I was okay in order to stop getting yelled at, and blamed for making big deals out of nothing.

- when she found out that another girl had been hurt by one of my abusers, she asked me. I told her very small details and instead of comfort me, or validate me... she left the room, lights off, and never came back. I was 13.. she left me alone to cry, pick up the pieces, and continue. We evenstill had a get together with my parents friends that night, in which I was to attend and be normal...

-with sooo many signs in my life, she saw would punish me, then never did anything about them. My M was a nurse in a psych ward for a long time...  she saw ptsd patients, depression, anxiety disorders etc.. yet she denied mine.. always tried to hard to make sure mine wasn't real... that my anxiety and depression were not real and were just things to be punished for.

-she cost me friendships because she would yell and get into arguments with the adult parents of these kids...


There is more but that is all I can do tonight. I sat with my littles in therapy and recognized how terrified they were/are of my M... how much she made me fear her. I recognize so many things she should have done, or taught me... even without the years of csa, physical abuse, or being traded around I didn't stand a chance... my core family was disfunctional on top of a horrific childhood outside of it.  :fallingbricks:
#40
Letters of Recovery / Letter to little me
October 03, 2017, 08:22:58 PM
Dear little El,

I know you were scared and terrified back then. You went through things no one should, and had no one to protect you. For years I placed blame on you for hurting your sister, and for then letting her get her out of selfishness. I know that was wrong, and I am sorry. I should have spent those years nurturing you, and reminding you that you are not the monster you came to believe that you were. The term monster was one you used on yourself regularly because you learned it from them. I wish I could have been there to tell you that it wasn't true, or wish that someone had done their job as an adult and saved you.

I promise to fight the urge to blame you, because I know it isn't your fault. I feel the tears you cried at those moments. I can feel the deep pain and failing that you felt at such a young age. I know what the term monster did to you, and how it became a part of you. It never belonged there, and I am sorry for believing it for so long. I will start to protect and adore you as you should have been in those years. I won't let their words and actions be what defines you anymore.

You were sweet, innocent, and attempted to protect everyone. I know you spent years protecting your siblings, friends, and even parents. You wanted everyone to be safe and well, even when it wasn't truly your job. You did it so well, I promise. Now you don't have to.

It wasn't your fault, you aren't that monster they told you that you were. I promise, to remember that. We can play and do things that you missed because of them.

Here is the hug I know that you always wanted,

Bigger El