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Hi everyone, I am in a bit of a predicament. For the last about week and a half, I have woken up in the morning super triggered... like full on EF, that takes me hours to get out of. I am really just exhausted from waking up this way every day.

I have tried meditating before bed (matter of fact it has been about the only way i can get sleep), cut my caffiene intake, stopped watching tv before bed... etc.

Has anyone had this happen before?? My life has been stressful, and just one problem after the next lately.. it is starting to wear me out and I need to be super focused.

Any ideas?

I am just wanting to see if anyone else does this, seeking validation I guess. Does anyone else use (or have used) self-blame as a sort of safety net? Like as a kid we may have been groomed into it.. but as a grown adult using it both as the groomed instinct and as a coping mechanism of sorts. It seems like for me that my self-blame helps me understand the horrors of my past (there are many). It also gives me a sense of control that I to this day still really struggle to give up. Being in control and able to predict everything is something I am great at and use to cope with life as it is. Not sure any of that has made sense, sorry.

Does anyone else have experience with self-blame being this kind of coping mechanism?

Does anyone else have them due to having too much pressure put on them? I feel like I can handle bucket loads of stress everyday, all day... but when the right person is pushing me to make a decision about a personal relationship it flips a switch... I feel like I am being pushed into a corner, and instantly panic.. I get all the signs of a bad EF almost like turning on a switch.

Does this happen to anyone else?

I have done it! I put in my last day for my current job. I finally did what I needed to do for myself and got past the guilt I felt leaving!

I will start my new job on the 7th.  Here goes a nerve wracking new adventure

So until today I have just been reading this section. I haven't felt that I deserved to post in here... I hadn't accept the abuse as bad enough to warrant posting in this particular place, because most of my horrific abuse came from outside of my FOO.

However, today I am accepting the role that my family played in my abuse. Also to stop minimizing my abuse from my FOO just because it was small. That is not productive language for me, or my healing. So here is my story, best I can tell it at the moment.

My family put the weight of the world on my. I was responisbile for my mom's health. I was her care taker, and the one to call 911 if things got bad. Her health got better when I was a teen but not until then. No small child should have to be responsible for the well being of an adult.

My parents fought all of the time, sometimes physical and sometimes just a lot of screaming.  I as the peacemaker in my family. It was my job to make sure my siblings went to their rooms, and played. I used to make sure they turned on music and were playing with marbles or something so they couldn't here, and would  be out of the line of fire. I put myself in the line of fire by doing that, so I would hide where  I could watch them to know when things were safe. Or to make sure no one was getting hit, walls were getting holes in them etc.

Afterwards it was expected that I played the mediator. I cared for my mom's certain migraine and helped calm her by telling her all of the ways I loved her and ensuring her of the place she had in the family. That everything would be okay, and things would get done. With my dad I would let him vent if he needed and make sure that he did what my mom had asked of them.. and that he stayed instead of driving off to a hotel to get drunk.. which did happen.

Outside of the fighting I was hit or screamed at if I made any small mistake.. I was to get straight A's, clean the house, help with dinner (or make it all myself), not make too much noise, and keep my siblings happy. Also watch other peoples kids if needed.

I was told that my nightmares, and any signs of my anxiety or crying was uncalled for. I would get screamed at and locked in my room. Told to just get over it and be better. I was a burden to my parents in many ways, and I was aware of that. I was aware that my birth was an accident.. that my parents wouldn't have married without me.

My mom continued (still does sometimes) to use me for her own gain and her own happiness. If something didn't line up with her needs, or her expectations I was wrong and I was punished. I lived on edge in that household all the time.. I  was pitted against my siblings.. because I was  used as the example of what a child should be... but then where my siblings couldn't see I was punished and screamed at if I wasn't that perfect kid.

The only time I spoke up about my other abuse (I was 12) my mom left me in her dark room and didn't come back in for me.. didn't hug me.. nothing. I cried in a dark room and picked myself back up. It was never mentioned again.

There were also no healthy boundaries... they could come and go into my spaces whenever they wanted.. they were always in my stuff (journals, cds etc... whatever they wanted).. They were ones that would have tickle fights or like dog piles etc.. (my family looked healthy and perfect on the outside).. however in those no matter how serious my word no sounded they never listened.. as a kid going through horrific abuse outside of my family.. that broke me.. full panic attacks that I had to conceal.. or I dissociated entirely to survive

I failed to see my family as abusive or poisonous because of the good things they did give me.. and because they weren't as bad as everything else I went through.. I know better now and have to deal with it..

Sorry this was so long.. It has been a long month of contemplating these things.. that eventually have led to the decision that I can in fact post here.  I hope this is an okay place to put this.. I have spent a lot of time worrying that the abuse wasn't enough or truly bad.. that I don't belong on this particular board... because it wasn't like the rest of what I went through.. it was just the cherry on top

I finally received the paper copy of my diploma in the mail today! I share so many of my bad moments here I wanted to share a good one.

I finished my last credit in January (had one hanging over my head because of breaking my arm in my fourth year of my bachelor's degree, so I couldn't perform my senior recital for about 6 months)

Either way I have the paper copy now! I can finally apply to grad school for 2018 and start moving again. It is a reminder that I accomplished something huge. I am the first in my family to get a Bachlors degree and I did so at a prestigious private college because of all my academic work for scholarships. I came out with a degree, and a minor. As well as a lot of experience, and a very fully resume.

I forget through the struggle that I accomplish things as well. So I wanted to share here that I am excited, and can now start to see myself in grad school next year 

Hi all, I wanted to write this because it is becoming very apparent that I need to deal with a lot more than just sexual abuse. As I am recognizing abusive cycles, and the different types of abuse I am seeing and starting to call what was abusive, just that abusive.

I realized I didn't have a healthy life from anywhere as a kid. My CSA was outside of the family unit, but my family unit was toxic and abusive as well. Emotionally, verbally, and physically. I endured abuse from multiple friends, and from other authority figures. Even a few teachers at school were emotionally abusive. All the way through college there were sources, and even now I recognize my mom can be emotionally abusive and narcissistic towards me.

I am finding it increasingly hard to accept all of it. My CSA is horrific and extensive (if you want an inkling see my first journal).. that is enough to accept an process on its own. I have had to add so much to that abuse list.. to that hurt list lately that it is a bit overwhelming at times. I have no idea  how I am here to be honest.. and I have no idea how to accept it all. How to accept no adult figure until college was truly healthy for me... and even then there are ones that weren't. I have 23 years behind me, and I have not had a truly good adult figure. Every one that spent much time in my life was abusive, or neglectful in the fact they saw the abuse and did nothing.

How do I accept this? How do I cope with the fact there is that much?

I hadn't found a thread on this, although I am sure one probably has existed. I have had the chance to think a lot since I saw my T two weeks ago, and have realized some things. The biggest one being that I have not been truly vulnerable with her yet. I have been open but not as much as I think I need to be. I want to let her in more, but am not really sure how to best go about that, or if I am even capable.

I really like my current T and have had a better experience with her, but some past distrust is getting in the way. Some fear of people always leaving me, or not ever fully believing what I tell them has gotten in the way here. I want to admit this fear and admit that I am afraid of this process. To be vulnerable about all the pain it has caused me... I am struggling to let that happen. Still finding myself putting myself together for her so as not to show the worst of it. Find myself not wanting to fail her, or disappoint her... old habits.. I need to be vulnerable with her.. I just don't know how

Anyone have experience with this struggle? Anyways to work past it?

I thought I would start a post on this. I have realize that what I need/want from recovery in this early stage is simply to find a healthier me. Growing up being abused, and then also in dysfunction really gave me no clue as to what a healthy life looked like. This is my goal right now, is to find what is healthy for me all around. So inner life, relationships etc.

The point of this post is to see what everyone finds to be helpful, or find that they consider to be a must for being healthy. I want to construct a place that is healthy in my new apartment, and routine etc... Anything that you find helpful or a must have. I want to make sure to use my resources to figure this out, rather than relying on myself to teach myself something I have never truly seen.

Hi all,

I am starting a new journal for this. I have realized that I am starting a new chapter in life and in my recovery, so it is fitting to start a new one. Thinking about my life as it has been and finally realizing what it is that I want in recovery right now and  in life in general, has really helped me.

This is going to be a journal to me figuring out what healthy is for me right now. I was never shown what a healthy balanced life looked like, and I have realized that is what I want to find right now. I want to figure out how to live a healthier life, and feel healthier towards myself. Not to have so much unhealthy self talk and then just cycles in my life that are unhealthy for me.

My other journal was unfocused because I really didn't know where to start and what I wanted in recovery when I started that. It was a place to get things out. I feel the need to start anew in here as my life is truly starting anew. I have a new place, a new focus, and soon to be a new relationship status. This is a new start for me and I want to separate that from where I was. This is a journey to a healthy me, not to what I thought recovery would initially be for me

Hi all, I have read through the other EMDR threads and hoping maybe there has been some more experience with it since some of the older ones. If not posting about this may help me settle some fears.

I have done some EMDR but we had to take a pause because we stepped over my threshold for what I could handle when we did one. It spiraled for a bit. I have leveled out enough we began doing my timeline in session so she could fully see what my past is like. I have never done this for anyone, not even fully for myself. I gp a ways through it on my own, but we have gotten to that point in session so it will all be new.
Has anyone else done this, and have advice? I am worried she will see the rest of it and think it is too much for her to help me fix... I am worried like others she will run.

Also has anyone done EMDR with new memories? I know I need to confront the new memory but it is still pretty raw. I see my therapist tonight and am just nervous because so much has happened and my wounds are still pretty open...

Hi all, I am just trying to see if anyone has experience with daily anxiety medication. I am starting one and am very nervous about it. I have been on a an anti-depressant for some of my symptoms but it is not really working for what I need it to do. My anxiety has shot through the roof and remained there for a really long time. I think it is the right choice, and I trust my psychiatrist but it is scary still because it is brand new to me.

I am posting to see if anyone else finds themselves needing some consistency or structure in their life. I am finding currently, and have in the past, that I need a bit more consistency and structure to my life than others seem to. It is triggering for me to have too much clutter in my mind and having a constantly shifting environment really causes that for me.

Currently a ton of things are changing in my life, and I find myself wanting to ask for a little consistency from my partner and a close friend just to help level everything else out. I find myself way more easily overwhelmed and easily triggered right now. I feel bad asking for a bit more structure from them, but I need to figure out how to be coping better with all the change and just inconsistent life environment I am in right now. I have tried to create structure but there is so much going on in my life that is really hard to create right now.

Any one else feel this at all, or have suggestions on creating routine when everything is going crazy?

So I haven't posted in this part of the forum before, but I am constantly reading it because it is something I experience quite a bit in my life. I have been stuck for a few days now in a pretty strong EF. I can get it to fade during the day but at night it becomes really difficult to handle.

On Monday morning I had a really terrible health scare. I collapsed to the floor out of pain in my chest and back pretty instantly.. I got scared because I was alone and didn't really have anyone in the area to get a hold of.. I think the fear that it triggered in me is causing a pretty bad EF for me. I know at this point that my health is fine, but I can't get out of the fear that I felt..

I think it has brought up a lot of the fear I felt as a child, both from abuse and from times I saw my mom hit the floor like that. I spent a lot of last night worried about this that I shouldn't have been, and just concerned something bad was going to happen.. that someone would break into my apartment etc.. my imagination is way more vivid but no need to go into that and trigger anyone.

Any advice on how to get past these? I am not good at getting past true fear, I am normally much more in the camp that avoids feeling that emotion.

After sharing so many sad and difficult days on here I wanted to celebrate a good one 

I have chosen to move when my lease is up. I will be living on my own closer to the fun part of the city I love. This decision is completely made with my own health and well being in mind. I am deciding to have my own space so I have room to heal and to focus on myself. I am choosing to, in a good way, be selfish with my energies and strike out on my own. I believe having space and time to devote to my needs both for recovery and for the life I am trying to build will help me find more of myself and have more faith in myself.

I told the people I had thought about moving in with and they completly validated that I seemed to be more sure of myself adn they were glad I was choosing something that would help make me happy.

I am starting a brand new adventure and am excited at the prospect. Here's to celebrating standing up for myself and making progress. Previously I would have done anything just to people please but I am deciding not to. I am choosing for me, not for everyone around me 

I need to hear some responses on this if anyone is willing. This will have part of my story that is difficult. I put a trigger warning in the title,  but if you are feeling easily triggered today this may not be the post for you right now.
Well, here it goes...

I am feeling particularly strongly today about some stuff and I think, I need some validation hopefully on the opposite of what I am feeling. I feel like I am a monster, and no better than any of my multiple abusers. Here is why in the most chopped down version I can give.

My first abuser had me molest my sister repeatedly for the better part of a year and a half. My sister was 4 and doesn't remember it but I do. AT first I fought a little, but soon it just was. I abused my sister and I just treated it as if it were normal after a while. I would do it on request with no questions asked. Whether she remembers it or not I abused her.. I had many abusers myself.. but I became one.. I became the monster I see in my head.. that's how I see some of my abusers that I don't know as well.. I became that big scary monster

When I was about 9.. I watched her get raped by my second major abuser. I did try to stop him at first but he told me that he would stop hurting me if he could have her that once. So I let it happen. I stood there telling her it would be okay and that it would be over soon. I was a monster then too.

After my abuse stopped.. I had friends I would play truth and dare with and I always brought it as far and as sexual as I could. This often pushed some boundaries they were not completely comfortable with but did anyways... In that moment I was a monster much like my second abuser...

I also failed several other people in my time.. I knew what it meant for me to fight and I did it anyways and people got hurt.. I got girls hurt because I couldn't always just let it happen... I deserved a lot of it after hurting my sister for so long... those girls didn't.. they had never done anything wrong.. they were my friends

So I feel like monster that needs to make up for everything I did.. Sometimes I can logically feel like it wasn't my fault but it is so ingrained in me that I caused that... that I deserved everything I experienced... from single abusers hitting me and shoving me around.... to being shared by multiple people at once as I grew older...

I can't help but feeling this way... I tortured myself for years over it... and then I tried to bury it in reminders that I am not bad.. but it is there full force today to remind me of everything I have ever done to hurt people

I am hoping this is the right spot to post this. I spent a long time trying to decide where I thought it might fit best. To make one of my better days useful to both myself and more importantly everyone here I wanted to share something that has helped me. It is a simple concept, but over time it really does seem to have an affect.

I learned this from someone else, because they were kind to share. Here's the concept:

Write three good things in your day (no matter how small. Sometimes mine were just that I had a good cup of coffee, or that someone smiled at me, or even that I got out of bed) They can be feelings or achievements, whatever you can find that is good. I also write three productive things but that came later. I keep mine in a really pretty journal and occasionally share it with a group online that are all working on this. I thought it would be useful to this group. I know it sounds really small but being able to think about it and then see over the weeks how it gets easier to find something good is amazing. It helps me even on my worst, triggered and down in a dark hole kin of days. I hope it can help someone here as well

For anyone that is reading this, I am pretty new at this but this looks to be the place that will help me with some of the process. I am beginning EMDR because talk therapy from the last two years has really done very little to help what I have left to do. My abuse stopped ten years ago and I am really ready to be done with this. I want to be able to move forward, and finally believe I can. I have tortured myself with guilt of things I believed were my fault, or just the shame that comes with this abuse.

I am on my journey to recovery now. I want to have a good handle on this before I start graduate school,. Until college I was a straight A, and even got granted Valedictorian in high school. School was my escape from my abuse so I excelled and learned to love everything about it. When I went to college memories resurfaced more and I was faced with a decision to bury it or to actually deal with it.  I decided to work through it, that I wanted to be done. My academics suffered because it forced me back into panic attacks and regular flashbacks, my therapist was not equipped to handle my amount of trauma. So here I am out of my  undergrad and ready to properly finish this.

My current undertaking is going to be drafting a time line of my life. I think using this post to help construct that will help organize my thoughts and make it a bit easier to handle. Those post will be written as I can do them, hopefully over this weekend as I have some space to myself for a few days. I am ready to process but I can't do it all at once because the level of trauma I still feel when thinking about it

To everyone that reads this thank you for doing so. I have been browsing this site for a while and have finally gotten brace enough to join and post. I look forward to hearing from others as well as contributing in any way I can.

As far as my story goes, I have recently started EMDR therapy and been re diagnosed with complex ptsd. My previous therapist had no knowledge of it but this one does. I have developed it due to experiencing sexual abuse from the time I was 6 until I was almost 13. This occurred daily, and sometimes multiple times, by multiple perpetrators. My family did not see any of this or catch any warning signs. I have still not told them and probably won't.

I am working hard to recover, it has been ten years since the abuse stopped and I need to find some peace in my life. I am trying hard to find it. I want peace but don't know what it actually feels like because I don't remember really anything before the abuse started.  It has affected every bit of my life, and caused so much harm. I hope to feel better having a group to go to.  I wish it could just be turned off, or that people would be a bit more understanding of it. It's a lonely world when no one seems to get it and can't truly validate how I feel. It has been years... yet it haunts me as if it was yesterday.

Sorry for the long post. I am glad to have found  somewhere that might help my journey