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So glad that it is good when I come here to post. It is good to hear form you as well, Woodsgnome.

You did! I am getting it on June 6th. It is going to be a custom piece drawn for me due to me having a vision in my head of what I want/need for it.

So it has been almost 4 months since I last posted. I cannot even begin to truly capture all that has occurred in that time so I will do my best to write what I have been thinking about coming here for. I have thought about writing about it all for a week or two but just found myself not ready or overwhelmed etc.

Brief updates:
- I did recover from surgery and have mostly felt a lot better physically
- I had a birthday recently!
- My partner moved in with me right before that birthday
- I bought a new car!!
- I passed my clinical licensure exam (so I will be an LCSW come the end of May)
- My therapist announced she is leaving at the end of May (coming oh so soon)
- I stepped back from my volunteer work (not fully just less) in order to better have balance in my life


Those are the quick more positive and over all life updates. A lot of that has happened in the last like 3 weeks and has felt like a whirlwind.


Now for the trauma survivor parts of me.. 

I have continued to get more memories of abuse from my dad and want more and more to have some justice or for him to just die (yes, there is an inner child or two that feels that would be easier). It has sent me for a tail spin at times because it effects all of my relationships, especially with my FOO. I had been healing the relationship with my mom and growing it with my siblings.. however, this has made me reassess my feelings about my mom because she was present and didn't protect but also didn't know. It has made all of the progress feel sour and challenging. I am still talking to her and my siblings but I am actively avoiding any video chat or such because I cannot face my dad. I am not sure if I would freeze, or yell, or just spill all of the secrets because he doesn't deserve my protection or silence.The memories that have come back are all generally SA related or pieces of interactions between my mom and dad that allude to other dynamics. I find it challenging to continue to learn more but also feel like I am not digging for memories, they are just happening.

All of that said, there is so much good happening. I have had a rough couple of weeks since my birthday but I know all of this would have made me non-functional even a year or two ago. Wehreas I am working full time with clients, growing as a clinician, still being social in my life, and finding time for myself. I don't feel like I am overworking to avoid (although, I have caught myself an afternoon or two doing that). For the most part, I am finding balance even when it feels impossible. Thankfully it feels possible more often than not.

Not sure what else I wanted to come here and talk about. I gues that as I hit my 2 year mark as a therapist, that I can't imagine having chosen a different profession. It suits me so well and I grow in some way every day. MY clients (no matter the age) are resilient and wise at the core and I am always in awe.

Oh, I decided on my survivor tattoo. I finally scheduled it for a couple months from now with an artist that does amazing work. It finally feels right to get the survivor tattoo as part of my own journey.

Surgery recovery has continued to do well and I am pretty well back to my normal self. I still notice that I slow down faster but not massively so. I am planning to return to work on Tuesday which I am both glad for and not. Breaks are always a bit boring to me but also refreshing.

Christmas went better than expected. Seeing my F, even if virtually, was difficult for a lot of my inner littles who are coming to terms with the memories we now have in our conscious mind. I did do better than expected though. I got to enjoy some of it and then breathe before going to my partner's family Christmas. That family is always delightful and kind to me which made for a good evening.

Trauma wise, things are as convoluted as ever but I am managing to allow grief to come in waves the best I can. It's a challenge at times but worth it in the long run to allow myself to have that. I am not sure I have words for it today but at least coming here for an update is a little bit of something.

Thank you, Not Alone  I have been gentle and thankfully mt littles have had an easier time after this surgery. I know medical stuff normally scares them and it definitely did before hand but I am glad to say there has been less fear and anxiety afterwards.


For now, I am both enjoying and bored by all the rest time. I know I need it but it is a little tough to just soak in the rest sometimes. It is freezing here today so even if I hadn't had surgery this would be a solid day off. So for now, I rest and will continue to just give my body the space and time it needs to feel better. The biggest thing is that eating is tough (well the after effect of eating). Taking out organs related to digestion can definitely make things a little different. I know my body will adapt but for now it is a little frustrating and like an experiment every time.

Thanks BlueBerry 

I ate real food and had coffee today which is a great sign for me recovering well. The doctors gave me a 50/50 chance of my body adapting quickly versus not to having my gallbladder gone. Here's hoping these initial signs are good indicators 

Just a small update to say that surgery went as planned. I am home focusing on rest and recovery. Thankfully pain levels are well managed with medication so I can get sleep and rest today.

I am feeling a little more prepared today than I did on Friday. I had a good session with my therapist and feel like I got more settled. Surgery is tomorrow and my main focus is just on rest and recovery for a bit.  It should be a lot simpler than my last surgery and an easier recovery. I am always a bit nervous going under anesthesia because there are always small risks but I know this should make my body feel better in the long run. My partner will be there tomorrow and I have a great team of doctors, so all should be okay.

Thank you all for all of the kind words and reflections. I don't truly have the energy this morning to respond individually but each of them means so much 

Thank you for the well wishes for surgery and the move! Surgery will hopefully go smoothly and be an easy process. I found out I have an inner child part who is very scared of going under and not waking up so that new fear is gonna be a bit tough. I, thankfully, have a lot of experience with surgeries that went well and were helpful in the long run. This will be my fifth surgery total and my 3rd surgery in two years. Hopefully my last for a while too.

The move with my partner will happen in March so I have a few months but we are starting to talk about it and prep for it. We are excited and nervous all at once. Unfortunately her dog bit me around thanksgiving so there are additional nerves related to that. Neither of us expected that to be an issue and it wasn't a bad bite but one that definitely makes us both a little more hesitant of this process.

I appreciate you validating that 19 clients is a lot. The goal is for me to have between 22-25 at any given time. So after the first of the year I will take a few more and hopefully even out at that point.

As far as the trauma, it is kind to hear thins like "I am sorry those things happened" because it sucks that they happened. I sometimes feel like learning this now is almost living it for the first time. My therapist pointed out that when I lived it before that I lived it with the help of tons of defense mechanisms that I no longer have. So in some ways this is harder than it was. Not exactly but it is difficult in a different way. My strength is there but it is difficult to see/feel strong when this stuff hits so hard. I know people tell me how strong I am for surviving and choosing to heal but it is tough to internalize some days. In theory, I know some of my experiences should have killed me but I survived regardless. That takes a lot of innate strength and courage. I know that now.

At this point, part of me wants to fall apart for a bit and the other part of me wants desperately to hold it all together.

Thank you, Woodsgnome  I definitely feel like this year has been a lot of big roadblocks with huge recoveries. Like a giant cycle of them. It has been exhausting if I am honest.

Courage is such a great word to reflect on and is one I feel fits all the twists and turns in my journey. I do normally believe I have courage to face so many things and try to keep courage at the center of myself. It is tough but a part that is so important to all stories.

I appreciate the well wishes for surgery and the coming days. It has been a whirlwind and honestly I am excited for some time to just rest after this. If nothing else surgery creates 2 weeks off for me and some needed space to just exist and recover in a lot of ways. Surgery is certainly a physical and emotional trauma in itself but with everything going on it will be nice to have a break from it all. 

After surgery recovery my goal is to just deepen some processing of the new information I have so maybe some of it will settle and start to integrate more. I am really looking for some more peace and rest in my journey if I can get it.

So I have not been sure how to come here and give an update about all the things that have happened so I am thinking maybe just one thing at a time in not a ton of detail because it has been a whirlwind. All the while I am keeping up with a nearly full caseload (only like 19 clients but lots of foster and children's division meetings for it).

Anyways, I am having surgery this coming Monday, Again it is an abdominal surgery due to symptoms I had last year coming back with a vengeance.  They are going to take out my gallbladder which I thought was the culprit last year so I am annoyed it took an aditional 10 months to get surgery on this but at least it will be done. I will be out for two weeks starting Monday to recover from this. Then hopefully I can be done with all of this.


I have gotten continued memories of my dad back. Lots of SA and PA that sickens me and reminds me how much was taken from it. It has been hard to get those memories back and to know how awful it was. My family has been a large trigger and the holidays are definitely wrecking my system because of it. I am doing a lot of internal work on these memories and over arching feelings but it is a lot. It takes so much from me to do that work and maintain a regular life. Let alone the health stuff.


Me and my partner have decided we are going to more in together in March! I am excited and terrified all at once. I have multiple months to continue to sort through those and prepare for the exciting but scary step. The last time I wrote here would have been right after our year anniversary. She has been a huge source of support and sanity through all of this.

For fun things, I got tickets to see Taylor Swift (it will be good for all of  my inner children and adult self), I am planning a trip in February.

Less fun, I have gotten covid, the flu, and some sort of stomach bug all within the last few months, It has been rough being sick on and off all the time.


Last night I had a panic attack simply because I had a sudden onset migraine which is brand new for me. I have had migraines but typically have warning signs for them. This came out of the blue and caused a panic attack which then caused a worse migraine. Unfortunately my, mom and grandfather have suffered from chronic migraines that require regular treatment so I am nervous I will grow into those. After this surgery I will get them checked out just so there is a history on my charts for if they do increase. It isn't a huge deal but could become a pain.


Anyways, I feel like there is a lot more but this is the best way I have to sort of put it in condensed form. 

Thank you for validating that, Armee. It is tough to find words for it all sometimes but as I was reading your I felt very understood and heard. They all resonate so well.

Right now, I know that telling the truths in spaces that it would bury the people who hurt me is not healthy for me yet. It is tempting for sure, but I don't want to act out of a need for revenge when I know the fall out would be massive and would ultimately hurt me right now. Maybe one day I will want and be ready to, but I know that is not right now. So I am treating myself with gentle care as I navigate all of this.

I did some really good grief work on this on Tuesday, felt helpful although I have a long way to go. I was able to realize and begin to feel through how I feel like my D is robbing me of my family right now, and how I am feeling all that was stolen from me as a kid. A lot of feelings that things are his fault, that he set me up for the abuse I suffered at the hands of others and now gets to have my family while I am kept away from my family.  It is the first time I truly wanted to go back since I left 10 years ago and I have to choose to not go because of him now. I know that those things happened years ago but since I just got those memories back it is like it is all being taken from me now.

Honestly, I thought I would come here and have more to say but I guess that is what I have for now. Grief is a complicated beast but maybe doesn't have a lot of words for now.

Armee that validation of my words and how much all of this is means a ton    My story really is more than any one person should bear. (All of ours are, I don't like to compare too much or to minimize others just because I am reflecting on the extreme level of my own story). You are right when you say the tears are always there even when they are not coming out. Inside those emotions are strong and present even if I haven't yet gotten to express them yet.

Thank you all for reading and responding 


I am headed home today! I have been out of town at a Play Therapy Conferece since the 17th! It was great but I am homesick and exhausted. Ready to be home and have a day off tomorrow.

Being gone and in about 40 hours of training (plus breaks so like 60 hours and two full travel days...) has meant a lot of the emotional stuff took a backburner and needed to just be dealt with by self-caring and containing. I have a day off tomorrow (after getting home at like 9 or 10pm) and then therapy late tomorrow afternoon. I can feel the emotions brimming that I will need to just be with.

Since I wrote last time, I had a session where I got three more memories about my D that were super big and painful. Then found out I had to have a vaginal ultrasound because a return of symptoms I had before surgery, had a session to cope with the trigger of that dealing with an inner part that got suicidal because of it, then had that ultrasound and dealt with the emotions from that, got normal results despite being in pain, then one day later left for this trip.

Basically, leaving room to cope but not process anything. 



TW: Vague mentions of SA and D trauma
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Okay, nothing in detail as always but enough of a reference I wanted to mark it. I have known for less than 6 months that my D sexually abused me. I grew up believing he was emotionally unavailable, verbally angry, but never touched me. So fir like 4 r 5 months I have been learning he was physically and sexually abusive to me. Right before I left, I allowed myself to remember a few more pieces in therapy that confirm chronic sexual abuse since basically I could walk and probably earlier. Loads of grooming and manipulating from him in the earliest parts of my life and then increasingly bold and violent. Obviously painful memories and hard to digest. I had to just take in and accept those with no real time to feel about them.. like we took time in that session but I haven't gotten to truly do anything since. I know I have them.. I know I am angry, hurt, betrayed, sad, devastated etc.. but I have only cried a few tears about it total. I know I need to and probably will as soon as I am in my space and then again with my therapist.


Overall, I think I just understand the full picture more and more and it makes me so sad every time. Like any single piece of my story would be more than enough.. then putting all of it together...