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I wrote that number wrong... minimum of 2200 and that is really a low ball number. That is just the number of days in the years

Trying to keep post to the three paragraphs preference here also probably will need a *trigger warning* on this one..


I blamed myself for a long time for hurting my sister, and not stopping others abuse... I was a protector and still am. It is not something I think i will ever be able to rid my personality of, which is both a curse and a positive thing. I spent years being sexually abused with the promise my sister and other loved ones would never be touched. I blamed myself when it happened because my sister was used as a bargain for stopping my own  abuse... it probably would have happened anyways but I can't get over that... and worse I can't get over the amount of times I was forced to actually do things to her by another abuser... we started to look st this in emdr with the belief I was a monster... it is going to take a long while.

I also realized with the timeline I need to do it scares me so much because there is just such a mass of trauma..it didn't end with the abuse, there was more. The abuse itself was more than anyone should have been able to handle and seem okay.. I have been told that I shouldn't be this okay.. that it would have broken and has comepletely undone some people... I tell people what's I went through and people don't believe it because on the grand scheme of things I don't appear to be that bad... I went through multiple abusers mostly sexual abuse but mixed with other physical abuse, grooming, and retained emotional abuse(both early and later in life) i did the bulk of it from the time I was six to the time I was thirteen... I don't remember much before hand...

I literally don't know life without abuse... I don't know what it is like. I get really sad at that... it also astounds people because I seem okay, I am somehow not shattered. I have done the math.. it would have happened a minimum of 1500 times and that is being really low ball..... because there were times it was more than five times a day... I should be shattered.. somehow I am here.. i can't remember every bit of it. If I did I would surely break. I remember enough, something's so vividly it is like living them today down to the smallest detail.. I have a lot of those. Then others blur because they were trends of things that happened, sections that repeated themselves etc.. trying to timeline it scares me I can placemmost of it but there is so much... it is hard to know where thingsnover lapped and where certain phases started/ended.. it is also just hard to conceive it as a whole like knowing it as one giant thing might be too much to carry....

Sorry that was long.. I should go to actually writing so I don't fill up pages here, I am just struggling tonight

I was going to come back to this tonight and continue the timeline but I am feeling too triggered right now. Not s flash back but definitely anxiety and panic that easily becomes an ef or flashback... I know I have been thinking about it a lot and just started digging deep into emdr yesterday so this can be expected but it hard to be going back into these states.

It is hard starting a therapy I know intentionally balances precariously between triggered and not... talk therapy has only done so much and this is really feeling like it is the thing that might work, the one last hope for me to get "better". It is just scary. I know have have my apartment alone starting tomorrow night until late Monday. I am not used to that and worried what it might bring if I continue in this state. I also worry how it will affect work, I will see. It kept me preoccupied and not getting a lot done...

I am so ready to find some peace. It is the first time I have ever truly felt like I deserved it. That realization was a huge leap for me and I only got there about a month ago. I realized I had tortured myself for an additional ten years with it, and that was enough for things I still can't emotionally feel weren't my fault. I know logically because I know what I would and have told others but I can't feel it and accept it in my heart yet.

Thank you. I am glad to hear it is okay to do both of those things. I know I apologize for everything. It's probably my inner critic speaking and seeking acceptance from others that makes me cautious and worried about others not being as comfortable with the format.. or me being weak for not being able to do it all at once.

i have been rather triggered at work today so have taken bits of time to write on here and read other's experiences. My coworkers nonchalantly talking about some domestic abuse has not helped in the last hour or so. Normally it can not bother me so much.

Reading this just validated a lot of things in my life. I have recently learned about complex ptsd, and the more I read about it the more my diagnosis make sense. I had never heard of an EF but now I can see that I possibly do this a great deal. I am glad to hear others have experienced this, and that there are ways to cope with them.  Thank you all for sharing

So it begins, sorry if this comes in little bits if that bothers anyone. I can only look at it for so long and stay in a good tolerance level the day after therapy. *possible trigger warning*

1994 : Birth-not traumatic for me but for my mother. Was an emergency birth because my umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. They weren't sure if I would speak

1995: Broke my head open at fairgrounds because someone tripped me down concrete stairs

1996: Little sister was born

1997: Moved to Denver with my family

1998: memories of a tornado happening while I was home with my uncle and grandmother

2000: April, my brother was born and I turned 6
           June: Moved to Idaho with my family
           July: At age six my first sexual abuse began with the first friend I had made in the area. This became a daily occurence since I saw him outside and he was the only kid I truly knew there. He and I had a fake marriage, and had told me I was his Cinderella (I hate being called that even though I still look like that)
           August: Starting first grade, gaining new friends and an escape
           Late-August: Got a new babysitter that was a family friend: He began to abuse me almost daily as well.
           Still Fall: While the abuse with the friend escalated and  my memories of it are starting to grow stronger her the new abuser was also escalating. I remember multiple big trauma moments here
                    - Friend: Abuse using the game cops and robbers (this was a regular thing that continued for years)
                   -Friend: Also started to make me try to sneak looks at my dads sexual magazines
                   -Babysitter: forced to sit and watch sexual video with him while cuddling
                   - Babysitter: Learned to give my first blow job, and just normal abuse
                   - Babysitter: First time I was forced to hurt L (this became repeated for a long time as well)

Okay that's all I can do for now. I barely made it until the time I was 6...  Only another 16 years ish to go 

For anyone that is reading this, I am pretty new at this but this looks to be the place that will help me with some of the process. I am beginning EMDR because talk therapy from the last two years has really done very little to help what I have left to do. My abuse stopped ten years ago and I am really ready to be done with this. I want to be able to move forward, and finally believe I can. I have tortured myself with guilt of things I believed were my fault, or just the shame that comes with this abuse.

I am on my journey to recovery now. I want to have a good handle on this before I start graduate school,. Until college I was a straight A, and even got granted Valedictorian in high school. School was my escape from my abuse so I excelled and learned to love everything about it. When I went to college memories resurfaced more and I was faced with a decision to bury it or to actually deal with it.  I decided to work through it, that I wanted to be done. My academics suffered because it forced me back into panic attacks and regular flashbacks, my therapist was not equipped to handle my amount of trauma. So here I am out of my  undergrad and ready to properly finish this.

My current undertaking is going to be drafting a time line of my life. I think using this post to help construct that will help organize my thoughts and make it a bit easier to handle. Those post will be written as I can do them, hopefully over this weekend as I have some space to myself for a few days. I am ready to process but I can't do it all at once because the level of trauma I still feel when thinking about it

Thank you Three Roses. I am glad to have found such a place

To everyone that reads this thank you for doing so. I have been browsing this site for a while and have finally gotten brace enough to join and post. I look forward to hearing from others as well as contributing in any way I can.

As far as my story goes, I have recently started EMDR therapy and been re diagnosed with complex ptsd. My previous therapist had no knowledge of it but this one does. I have developed it due to experiencing sexual abuse from the time I was 6 until I was almost 13. This occurred daily, and sometimes multiple times, by multiple perpetrators. My family did not see any of this or catch any warning signs. I have still not told them and probably won't.

I am working hard to recover, it has been ten years since the abuse stopped and I need to find some peace in my life. I am trying hard to find it. I want peace but don't know what it actually feels like because I don't remember really anything before the abuse started.  It has affected every bit of my life, and caused so much harm. I hope to feel better having a group to go to.  I wish it could just be turned off, or that people would be a bit more understanding of it. It's a lonely world when no one seems to get it and can't truly validate how I feel. It has been years... yet it haunts me as if it was yesterday.

Sorry for the long post. I am glad to have found  somewhere that might help my journey