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Thank you for validating my confusion and feelings about all of this, San. It is such a complicated set of feelings and circumstances that I am navigating through. 

Last week was full of racing thoughts and connection making, both in my personal life and at work. I feel like my brain was working overtime just circling around the new understandings at work and home. I made a lot of connections about myself and things that happened with the knowledge I now have as an adult and a clinician. It was good but exhausting to do so. I also had a lot of that at work, making connections with client's stories, goals, symptoms etc. I am not sure sure what to do about any of it but at least there is something to be worked on.

On the less good side of that, was that I had this deep need to talk to my M and S about the past. A deep desire to know what they know and what they don't. To figure out what the truth in all of it is. I obviously did not do that but it was very tempting at a few points last week. Like I want to know what if anything my S remembers about certain people in our childhood, maybe what my mom knows about them as well. It is more vulnerability that I am ready to have with them because it outs some things I like to keep to myself. At very least it brings up topics no one has talked about in at least 15 years. Even when they were talked about it was brief and often behind closed doors anyways. There are just a lot of questions I want answers to that I cannot get without asking for them. I know asking doesn't mean I will get them either. I also do not want to risk reminding my S of anything that she does not already remember. It is not my place to do that.

Then with M, I know she cares now but also how much does she know or even want to know? She had a lot of issues as a parent but with my adult perspective I know she tried and cared. It did not mean she saved me or even really parented me well, but I ahve come to an understanding and acceptance of why she was where she was when I was a kid. I know what it took to get to that place and I know that she loved me despite not being healthy enough to truly parent me. It does not excuse it or change it but I have a lot more understanding now. She has also grown a lot as a person in the last like 4 years and I trust that I could ahve a conversation with her about some of it. I am not ready to talk about my D or uncle to her and may never be.. but some of the other abusers she is at least vaguely aware of might be an okay topic at some point. She may also already know depending on what conversations she and my S have had. They are a lot closer and have lived in closer proximity for the last year, so it is possible they have previously discussed some of it. Also, totally possible they haven't.

I do not like having all of these unknowns. Those answers feel like they would be helpful in some ways and potentially harmful in others. Like, I know finding out if my S remembers some of the abuse would be helpful and fill in some holes for me.. but also finding out that she remembers much of it could absolutely wreck me for a while. I worked very hard to protect her but as a kid I was obviously not capable of that all the time. So I know she got hurt and remember those clearly but who knows if she does... and if they even coded as traumatic for her since she has lived her life with no notable symptoms (from what she has shared and from what I have seen).

It is all a lot to consider. 5 years ago I would have never entertained the idea of ever talking to either of them about any of it, Now it is an impulse that I had to fight twice last week. One that I want to think through but it harder to not just do sometimes.

San, your words always mean so much  My healing work has come a long way over the years and I know it will continue to. I truly am a different person than I was when I first started seeing my current T 5 1/2 years ago, and even more different from the person I was when I first joined this forum like 6 or 7 years ago. It is sometimes hard to remember just how profound my healing is and seeing it reflected back at me helps keep perspective. These really are large breakthroughs and massive progress in my healing. I always hope I can inspire others by being encouraging and honest with my own process. I went through so much and continue to learn more about just how much I experienced to then pull thru and now be a therapist myself. I don't think I see myself as an inspiration for CSA survivors all the time but I know I have been told it and in some ways my story is a good inspiration for others. I have to objectively look at it to see that though 

Thank you for all the support, love, compassion, and care  I am always so grateful for it and know that I could not do all the healing work that I have and continue to do without the support of others.



Side note: I have finally decided on what I want my survivor tattoo to be. I have wanted one for so long but had never figured out what I wanted or felt ready enough for it. I do feel ready for one now and know what it is. I want to get a non-tradition take on a medusa tattoo. I want a black line work of a soft medusa hugging a younger red-riding hood. The medusa will have flowers among the snakes and red will have her cloak of course. It symbolizes so much. Medusa is obviously a SA survivor things, red is a character that I have always loved and identified with different versions of (she ran towards her trauma and gets depicted as resilient, tough, but also young and in need of protecting). Then of course the older to younger is the inner child healing that I do a lot of. Plus the idea of support in the fact that my healing could not be done on my own strength alone. I have needed to allow others to help and for others to be part of showing me caring/kindness in a way that is healing. So it is many things wrapped in but I am convinced that is my next tattoo and the survivor tattoo I want. I have an artist in mind and just need to reach out to see if they feel able to draw and tattoo it for me since I don't have any examples of what that art would be other than what is in my head.

I feel like I am coming here more because I am doing truly deep healing work (not that I haven't been but for whatever reason this bit of it has needed more writing time for me).

Anyways, I spent a week ill with some sort of flu, respiratory infection, like thing. It was not a fun time but I am finally on the other side of it (10 days later).  I did not do any therapy or such during that time because I was frickin exhausted and just did not have the capacity.

Last night, I went to my therapist's office for the first time since I had the flashback there two weeks ago. It was nerve wracking when I walked in. Although, I had not even thought about it prior to going. We settled it out and I feel like it won't be a difficulty next week.

I am proud of the work I did last night, which is kind of rare for me. I know I do a lot of truly deep and difficult healing work but I don't normally describe myself as proud of that (I know I probably could but don't). This makes last night notable.  I was able to settle in and work on somatic based emdr focusing on a body sensation that I have avoided processing or even going towards for years. It is one that is tied directly to years of sexual abuse and has previously been one I was afraid or ashamed to go towards. Last night, I and my 8 year old part decided we could name it and start to allow it to process. That is a giant step and we got to the point where we weren't scared of it anymore. I had some pretty strong lightbulb moments as to why it was scary for so long and what it sort of means for some of my life.

As a kid, I connected the body feeling with being "bad, scary, dangerous" meaning that I was "bad, scary, dangerous" because I had it. By the end of session last night, and honestly just part way through, we realized no body sensation is truly  "bad" but the things that happened around it were bad and scary. That the body sensation was often a body memory, or left over feelings/reminders of abuse that was happening every day. AS a kid, of course I connected it to being a part of me that was causing my abuse because I had it as long as I could remember and we were told it was bad or not normal. So I internalized that like I did so many other things. My younger parts now have way more information and understanding of how those feelings happen and that it was never a part of who we were as a person.

I also realized after how many thoughts and connections I can make as far as my clinical knowledge of physical/sexual development and how disruptive the abuse I went through was on those processes. Sort of understanding why little me and even adult me struggles with that right now because of how convoluted my sexual trauma was. I have one of the longest sexual trauma histories I have heard (I know there are likely longer ones but I don't know anyone in my personal or work life that has shared one like mine). Obviously, that caused so much shame and confusion as a kid when trying to go through what would have been normal and healthy sexual development. Now that I am also more aware of the history it has been a difficult piece in my life currently.

I know my relationship with it when I was younger was so messy. For me, I was used and also viewed myself as an object for others sexually before I even knew what that was. I knew it was expected of me and that if I did it would keep other people happy/safe/not angry. It was the way I kept other people happier and kept them from hurting other people. I knew it meant that people stayed, that they showed me care or affection sometimes. I know it meant that people fed me and my siblings, that maybe they didn't throw or hit or yell at anyone else. It was what I was told my body was for. I was convinced because of what I was told, my experiences, the body sensations that I had, etc.. that it was just my role in life and had to happen. That something in me was dangerous and meant life would always be that way. Obviously my relationship with my body and sexuality were never going to grow normally from that.

A couple of years ago, I thought I was ready to truly tackle my sexual trauma but I don't think I was at the time. I think I needed all of the information I have now, all the memories I have gotten back, and even the ones I feel just lurking in the corners of my mind.  I needed the time processing some of the violence, meeting a few more of my younger parts, and just gaining trust for my T that I hadn't realized I needed. Now, I think I am as ready as I could be. That I am able to go towards and not run from it. I can stay present with sensations that I have avoided for years and start to name it. I have dealt so much with the emotional trauma, naming the abuses from some of my family, tackling the physical violence, the parentification, the blame. I worked around the sexual trauma sort of noting it was there but not being ready to dive into that directly. Now, I think I can and am doing that.

I am glad you don't see any failure in it, San. In theory I know that is true. It just feels like failing today. Falling apart has always felt like failing (yes, obviously trauma connected to that belief) I will keep taking care of myself. Finally eating for the first time in like 9 hours which is progress. 

San, you are very right I deserve to take care of myself and have boundaries while working through all of this. I am grateful my therapist sat with me through it last night. I am not sure how long it would have taken to get my fee back under me without that.

Blueberry, I am very lucky to have the therapist I do who stays for things like that. It was nice for my supervisor to not need me to be productive and to care more about me as a person.


Unfortunately, it is one of those days I feel like I failed a bit as a therapist and let my trauma win this round. I stayed at work for a few hours, and tried to eat lunch with my office door open and even just that made me feel like I was going to cry. It felt like with the door open I could no longer control my environment and everything was too overwhelming so I chose to reschedule the clients I could and cancel the ones I couldn't. I was obviously still too dysregulated from last night and probably mildly stuck in that flashback since I got home and curled up for almost 3 hours. I started that while feeling like a little kid who was hiding from monsters... eventually cried a bit and fell asleep for a little while. Rough day, but I know it takes a lot to recover sometimes. I deserve the space, I just never feel good about taking it when it means not doing my job. Especially at a new job... I work really hard to make sure my trauma doesn't rule my life but today it feels like it did. I know that won't be forever but it is frustrating.

The couple of hours did help. I then did manage to spill very hot coffee on myself so got dysregulated again. My supervisor who is more like a direct colleague most days, has basically given me permission to hide in my office and read until I have clients today. I had planned on doing some paperwork but I feel more fragile than I thought I was. Being in my office is mostly okay but everything else feels too overwhelming for now. I am trying to assess whether or not I can truly see clients today. I am pretty capable of pushing through and turning things off when I need to. However, I am only human and have my limits.

Last night was a long one. Therapy was helpful but I ended up having an atrocious flashback right after where instead of the person who the flashback was about being in it my T was. It was a truly awful and scary experience. I haven't had that type of flashback in a long time. I ended up seeing my therapist again that night, because I hadn't calmed down enough to drive (for obvious reasons). It took a while to trust her after that flashback but she sat with me through it for like 3 hours until it finally regulated.


I woke up feeling like I had run a physical and emotional marathon so taking a slower morning and going into work late today. I need the time to get back some energy and on my feet. If I had PTO I probably would not work today at all but I don't after using all of it for Covid a few weeks ago. I know I am capable of working today but the couple of extra hours will help that a lot.

Blueberry, you are definitely allowed to be proud of how I am coping    Pulling a gun on my D was the biggest No I think I ever gave. At 8 years old that is an absolutely desperate move. He did destroy that no very quickly. His reaction was one only a monster could have. 

I really appreciate the gentle and supportive 


Phil, thank you for the support and care. I appreciate all of the validation of my use of the word monsters for the people that hurt me.

Thank you for sitting with me, Armee 

I totally get that the betrayal was worse than the assault. I am sorry that happened to you, Armee.

Yes, it did teach me that it is what happens. There was a normalcy to it in my life and one I don't think I understood until I got to be much older. SA was a normal fact of my daily life before I was old enough to even know what that meant. It was unfair and explains so much of the rest of my abuse history. It is a painful new fact but certainly gives a more complete picture to my life.

I am grateful there aren't other victims as well. I know if there was any current risk I would care more about making them safe than what I needed so I am glad I can take the space to deal with myself. That is selfish reasoning but is part of the equation in my brain.

I appreciate all of those words and reassurance of what most of me knows to be true, Armee. You are exactly right, I  was never the monster. They were monsters fo rmaking me believe I was. I have been sa'd so many times by a lot of people. Frankly what my D did was low on the scale of severity but emotionally it does take a much larger toll right now. It is a worse betrayal because Ds are support to protect their daughters, not hurt them. I know he knew about my other abuse and didn't do anything.. At two points in my life I told him and got ignored or hurt worse. I didn't understand why until realizing he was an abuse too.. because I had dissociated these away for most of my life to be able to live and function as a kid. It makes it all make more sense but feels like it tears apart a big chunk of how I viewed my childhood.

As far as other victims, I am not sure if my sister ever was and I know (to the best of my ability) that my niece isn't. If I thought for a half second my niece had been hurt I wouldn't hesitate to blow it all up and make a large mess of my family. For now, because she is safe, I do not need to do that. I can take the time I need to navigate what I need in the situation. Certainly one part of me wants to blow it all up and be done being the family's biggest secret. Other parts of me know I would fall apart in the aftermath. I couldn't handle it at this time and that is okay for now.

Grief is hard but does deserve to be there. I just have to navigate it on top of navigating the rest of life. That is the unfortunate thing about grief is the rest of the world doesn't stop with it. 

I am grateful I see my therapist tonight. It should be a helpful session to work through the wave of grief I got. I think my littles did really well to hold it for me until last night when it was just too strong.

So most of the time I am okay, others I do get this wave of just grief.

***TW mentions of SA***



Like I have known for less than a month that my D sexually abused me starting at around 3 years old... maybe earlier.. I have known for about 8 weeks that he was violent and raped me at gunpoint when I was 8.. I mean I pulled it on him first and in all likelihood, it wasn't loaded but still. Both of those facts could have sent me completely spiralling and made me non-functional. That reaction would still be valid, honestly.

I am, however, not spiralling and am still functioning at my full time job and some. I can barely talk to my family, although that has improved a little over the last month. I refuse to talk to or acknowledge my D. I am not sure if I ever will. At some point, I will probably need to in order to keep the family members I want in my life around but for now, I don't. For now, I change my Christmas plans because I don't want to be in the same room as him (or my uncle for that matter). I don't get to see my grandparents for another year in a row because I can't bear the idea of facing my dad and being civil right now. I am too bound to blow the entire thing up.


**End TW (for now)**

I get so mad and just want to blow all the masks off of people, show all the family secrets at once and be done. None of them deserve my silence.. Then I think of my niece.. She deserves my silence so does my sister. Honestly, so do I right now. If I want to share and to expose allt he secrets and my life experience it should be on my terms and not because I am just angry and hurt by them right now.

I just get so upset recognizing I was never the monster... all of my abusers were. So many of those adults were monsters or stood by and allowed the monsters to exist. Yet parts of me are still able to get triggered into feeling like it was me. I get so sad sometimes because I tried to be good, kind, caring, etc.. but I was made to feel like there was something always wrong with me that I was just born with something bad in me that I was somehow the monster that caused all of the hurt... When in reality that is on them. I was just a little girl who wanted to be good enough to not hurt anymore so I believed what they told me. I could have never deserved how I was treated. Yet there are still young parts of me that question whether or not I deserve love who want to hold onto some of the hurt because it continues the cycle of self punishment that part of me believes we deserve.




Hoenstly had to stop writing at that point for a while so I have no idea where my train of thought was. Waves of grief are just super difficult and I know it will be okay at some point. I think his betrayal hurts more than the others though. Everyone else abusing me was one thing.. but my D is a whole other for some reason. Between him and my uncle they created so much of the foundation for the next 10 ish years of abuse and my still deep need to be healing from it.

Hi Hope, Thank you for the hug 


I came here to write that I am doing better this week. I feel like I had some time to process and work through some of the difficult feelings and beliefs. It was super heavy to be given so much information, to be still adjusting to a new job and apartment, while also getting covid etc. I feel like it was sort of the perfect storm for some opening back up of old beliefs and triggers that had not been touched in a while. It feels like there is more space for exploration about why that happened as things have calmed down internally. I know tomorrow's therapy session will likely be pretty intense but I think it will be okay.

Thank you for reflecting that all back, San.  These beliefs definitely are stubborn and this new layer is a big one. I am glad I can work with my T to help me through them. I am so glad I am still able to give the downtime I need to be able to function through all of this. I appreciate you validating the importance of me managing and maintaining the level that I am accustom to. It has been years of work and I don't want to lose that.

Sending lots of hugs back  Always so grateful to hear from you and be reminded just being me is enough

I feel like I am updating here a little more often because things are a lot right now. Don't worry, I am managing well and taking care of myself. I think on the outside it probably looks like I am functioning at near my best. I know that isn't super important but for me it is a sign of managing well because I know I am making time for my feelings and healing but am also able to maintain life in the way I want to most of the time. It does take a lot more rest and downtime when I am home to maintain but that's okay for now.

Positive notes first, I guess.  I am covid free (have been for a week or so). I think the brain fog and exhaustion from it has finally past.  My new job is feeling normal and like I am truly part of the team. One of my coworkers even came into my office and sat on my couch just to chat today. I love that bond. When I am gone I am missed, and people come to me for help which feels nice to be trusted and valued. Also, seeing kids is so much fun (not that it isn't also work). The one adult client I do have is so interesting and I am excited to work with them as well.  My partner is loving and caring (we are almost at a year and I am not sure where the time has gone). It is scary sometimes but she is always reassuring and is able to listen to those fears when I need her to, I feel like I do the same for her and I think it makes growing through this with her possible.


Less positive notes, trauma processing is a beast sometimes. I am doing a lot of solid work with my therapist but it can be intense and exhausting. Monday night my therapist put together some pieces that I hadn't yet. I am grateful we have a good enough relationship that she could bluntly tell me what she put together so I could either confirm or adjust it. She hit the nail on the head in a way that both of us felt in our guts. Sort of magical but also painful moment. We have been dealing with the triggers that happened when I got covid. One of my parts took a giant slide back into old beliefs that we have worked through before. Generally the ones that tell me I am not deserving of the good things I have, that being hurt is inevitable, even so far as to the beliefs that I was put on this earth just to be hurt, serve others, and protect others. All things that I logically really know are not true. We have also been working on this internal pressure I seem to have about meeting physical intimacy expectations. It has been almost a year and my partner and I have very little physical intimacy because I haven't been able to do taht with the triggers, surgery, knew trauma information etc...

Either way, my therapist becuase she knows me so well was able to see the connection between those two pieces. So much of my identity when I was young involved giving sexual intimacy to other people (being used), serving them, and being a shield for those I could protect. My therapist looked at me and said basically that I am not giving my partner sex and I am not caretaking her in my old ways so I don't know why she keeps me around.  It was like being handed this giant lightbulb moment by her. I am also so used to being something that people just show off because I can make them look good (was a lot of what was done by people in my life because I was the smart kid, the kid who was good at almost everything she tried, the straight a's, music soloist, sports talent, etc....). I am also not that anymore. Like I am not making my partner look good or anyone else for that matter... so like what use am I? It feels foriegn sometimes for people to just care for me because I am a person and not for what I can do for them. I at one point told my therapist that it was like I was created to be my own trap... that my identity when I was younger was my own sort of prison.... and that I was my own punishment in some ways... Mainly we were working with an 8 year old part who truly had just taken all of that as her identity. Who is so scared that it will inevitably come back... believes the old things we were told about never truly amounting to anymore than that identity.

I can't really begin to describe the hit to the system that all is. Like looking at the core of my identity as a person and trying to continue to reshape it (again). There are so many feelings and complicated pieces at play in that.