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I'm having trouble grasping the reality of my situation, that I've been stuck in the 'off' position of freeze mode for the last 2 years - and NOTHING seems to be enough to break me out of it! Even the prospect of potentially being homeless for a 3rd time. I can't get myself to apply for jobs. This has gone on for far too long. I thought that finally leaving my NPD parents' home would be enough to snap me into reality, but instead it's like I'm still recovering from them & my past losses. I cannot go to therapy because that would mean asking them for money to fix a problem largely caused by their psychological abuse. A part of me is so damaged by decades of money problems and career disappointments, that I think I don't want to go through it again so I avoid everything to do with employment, even though this is not acceptable. I am months away from not being able to afford the new place I finally got.

I get the strong feeling that my flight/freeze mode is essentially a form of dissociation, but I haven't the slightest idea how to work my way out of this ... anyone in a similar situation? Or anyone with any ideas of what to do about this? Thanks.

Other / Feeling uneasy on Thanksgiving ..
« on: November 22, 2018, 04:49:53 PM »
I haven't been to this forum in a long time .. I am in a long phase of "Detached Contact" from my narc. family.

Today I have to go over their house, and see the narc. parents & golden child/flying monkey/narc-in-training sibling. Plus some extended family members/friends. I'm starting to get anxious and afraid of what I will have to deal with.

I have tried to keep very limited contact with all of them for about 5 months now. My main mode of therapy includes reading "Hidden Abuse" by Shannon Thomas, because I'm dealing with narcs who are Coverts for the most part. She has a section in her book that explains why full NC is not always an option for everyone, and that it's a very personal decision based on the type of narcissists, intensity of levels, circumstances, etc. That felt very validating to read. I think I am doing a good job of keeping Detached Contact. But of course this does involve having to attend Thanksgiving. It's only for a few hours.

So I don't know what I'm saying except I'm nervous. I don't relish the thought of sitting near my sibling who actually I forgot to mention I am NC with (it's my parents that are DC). I also have to sit by my cousin and her new husband which is awkward because I did not attend the wedding. My B/NPD mother has often made a point of telling me about how great her relationships with my cousins are (a covert tactic to compare my shortfall). My sibling is the exact opposite of me at this stage in life, which is upsetting in itself because growing up we were very close, but our paths diverged into literal opposites. I pretty much despise him now because he decided to become like our narc. parents as a means of fawning behavior towards them (one of the four trauma responses). The main issue with him is betrayal.

My CPTSD involves major problems with flight & freeze trauma responses. This has caused me endless problems with money & employment. I am dealing with that right now which I think is compounding the anxiety about seeing them all later today. If asked what I'm doing with my life, the answer will have to be very vague, to keep along with DC, and because I am still dealing with a lot of dissociation problems regarding the employment issue. My life has been at a standstill for 2 years, which makes me feel like a failure. And today I will no doubt have to hear about all the great things they're doing. Much of my freeze phase these past few years was a direct result of my malignant covert narc. father's abhorrent treatment (manipulation) of me while I lived with them after losing everything several years ago.

I am trying hard to move forward, but I seem to be caught in a difficult phase of recovery (the setting boundaries phase I guess, and recovering my self-esteem). I feel lost and nervous about the future in general, and I can't wait for this dinner tonight to be over with.

Anyway, just wanted to be here in solidarity with anyone in a similar situation (or anyone with CPTSD for that matter). Thanks for reading.

My father has hired a private investigator on me again now that he's out of town to see what I'm up to, and it is really pissing me off. The flying monkey golden child sibling started contacting me too, of course to coincide with that. These people really must think I'm dumb to actually believe I don't know what they're up to!

The more I try to reduce contact and keep my insane family out of my life & home, the more they go undercover & pull stunts like this.

I am already anxious because I have a job interview today. I really did NOT need more stress on top of the misery that is my life already!

I just got a strange voicemail from someone claiming I called them when I did not. It is likely a plant from the PI. My golden child sibling has colluded in the past with my NF to track my phone, and suddenly last night I got an email from him trying to bait me & several emails from NF trying to make himself look innocent & sociable with me, even though we've barely said anything to each other for months.

The only reason I am still low-contact (instead of no-contact) is because I am still financially entangled with them due to me losing everything last year. My NF is a wealthy financial manipulator. I am really caught and my only hope to be free from these people & their nonsense is for me to get a job. I am praying I get this job but feeling panicky right now and I don't want to deal with this.

I hate my life being related to an entire family of narcissists! My father is a classic malignant, my mother is a borderline queen type, and my brother is the golden child now turned narcissist clone of them both. I am the scapegoat of course.

How am I supposed to RECOVER when things like this happen? Tell me please how I'm supposed to NOT be triggered by this? I am already trying to cope with the intermittent emotional flashbacks after my time living with them. I really don't need this.  :fallingbricks:

ETA: I just noticed that I feel like a scared little child right now. I am trying to process this but I can't. I can't believe my own family behaves this way. It's like mourning a death over & over & over again to know that I don't have a 'real' family. I have a family that makes me feel afraid!

Sexual Abuse / TW re: therapist boundaries - good article
« on: June 05, 2018, 12:27:47 AM »
*trigger warning re: therapists having boundaries*

I saw this article and found it pretty shocking. It mentions that a T who would do this is likely a psychopath.
I think it's just something good to be aware of, considering we are recovering from PD people.

Sexual Abuse / Ick feeling from BPDm, emotional sexualization
« on: June 03, 2018, 08:35:16 PM »
I am a female adult in middle age - so why the * am I being subject to weirdness regarding my BPDm? Like the emotional sexualization from my NPDf was not enough? It appears that BOTH of them do this. It makes me cringe with disgust - I am badly triggered today because of a weird text from her.

Because they are both COVERTS, I will never get 'proof' of any of this - that plausible deniability thing? My m worded this text in a really gross, creepy way like she was in love with me and wanted to be with me, something about 'enjoy each other' - I don't know if she meant doing something that we could enjoy 'WITH' each other - but she LEFT OUT THE WORD 'WITH' .... this is one of those crazy-making things that coverts do, that screw up survivors' lives more than anyone can imagine! This kind of stuff will destroy a person's soul just as much as if they'd been beaten - because it can't be identified, there's no proof, makes you confused & feeling like you're going crazy.

I feel like I am the object of desire in my FOO. I am not joking. There are too many instances of inappropriate emotional sexualization. I'm not going to give examples right now, because I just can't.

I just feel so GROSS right now. I can't tolerate the sickeningly sweet, overly mushy, love-bombing things BPDm writes to me - it literally makes me want to throw up. This woman is nuts. I don't want to hang out with her. I don't want to go anywhere with her. But she is making me feel obligated and it's driving me crazy. I can't go NC because they are helping me pay bills - this is the nightmare web I am caught in with this FOO. I want to get out, but my CPTSD has been so bad for 1.5 years, that I just feel paralyzed where getting a job is concerned. I have run out of time and I know I need to take quick action. I'm trying to just read Pete Walker's book, because I cannot handle going to a therapist. I feel it will actually cause me more problems because I have a lot of fears about revealing my life to people. Even doing it online I have a deep sense of shame & paranoia, but I feel I need to share to get through this & recover. Does anyone else here feel this way? I write all these posts, then want to delete them because of the toxic shame & fear of getting found out. Maybe the fear is induced by my FOO and I'm just projecting it.

Anyway ... I also had circumstantial evidence that I was probably molested as a young child. Again, I have no proof, because part of the memory is blacked out. The problem for me now as an adult is not sexual, but rather emotional. It is the emotional CRINGE factor that makes all of this so bad.

This is the story of my life. I take a gargantuan step forward, have a great day getting a lot of things done, and then it takes so little to throw me off.

Woke up on wrong side of bed today, feeling tired because I woke up in middle of night to watch the news.
Now it's late, missed the garbage truck, then found a pile-up of water in my trashcan which spilled all over the place including my feet.

I can feel myself wanting to avoid absolutely everything again today. I've had deep dread of getting medical results at my dr. appt. next week. It makes me feel out of control. I realized yesterday that as a child I had at least 4 traumatic events involving my physical body all by age 12. Maybe this is why as a middle-age adult I feel unable to handle yet one more bad diagnosis?
*Trigger Warning*

-->2 of these events as a child were related to something sexual, either direct or implied. There's nothing quite like feeling scared & confused about what is happening to my physical body. Then, as an adult, I am triggered constantly by having medical conditions and worrying what the next bombshell drop will be from the next medical test.

When I have this dark cloud of dread of something bad happening, it becomes very hard to function in life and has dramatically affected my ability to have a livelihood.

I did so well yesterday ... I hate that it takes so much energy to sustain a good effort. I mean I read a recovery book, read my bible, got 12-step support .. and today I just want to stay in bed!!!!!  :'(

I'm also triggered by that STUPID HOLIDAY CALLED MOTHER'S DAY. Why do I always have to CELEBRATE HER? That BPD queen narc. who psychologically destroyed me for life? I'm so tired of it! Once again, I have to tell her GC that no, I don't have enough money to contribute to her big god-damned day. She's set for life, what does she need me for except supply as her toy doll? As usual, I have NOTHING of material significance to offer!!!!!! But because the PDs helped me out financially in so many ways, of course I am obligated to show my gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. How will it look when I can't give much more than a card?

I am so tired of feeling like the loser in life!

Sorry this post was all over the place - so many issues, all the time - such is C-PTSD!  :fallingbricks:


Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Dissociated
« on: April 23, 2018, 09:38:10 PM »
Just wanted to post about this because I am concerned about this disassociated state I find myself in right now. It started after a week of a lot of intense activities facing the real world again, like a job interview, getting organized, and making phone calls. I brought myself through all of that very well a week ago, and then I gradually, slowly started dissociating and crashing again - for me that is a state of avoidance where I go deep into flight and freeze modes.

Part of me doesn't want to do anything about this, except continue escaping. But the other part of me is alarmed because I know I need to take care of daily life, which still includes having to get a job. I had hoped that moving out of my narcissistic FOO's home would help, which it has to a degree in that I'm not actively being psychologically abused now, but the CPTSD after-effects are alarming to me now a month later. I just don't want to do anything!

Does anyone have specific experience dealing with the flight or freeze trauma responses? I'm a little worried that if I just 'ride this out' like I normally do that I will never actually get to the other side with my feet on the ground! At the same time, I don't want to flood myself by forcing activities that I just can't handle right now either. Usually flooding myself like that leads to the very dissociated state I'm in right now. I'm just trying to find a way to get back to center I guess.

Now that I've been out of their house for about a month, I am relieved to not be in a state of hypervigilance wondering when the next figurative "dart" will hit me. (Dart being their emotional/verbal/psychological manipulations & attacks)

But I am back to my isolated life & emotionally flashback-ing all over the place. I woke up in this acute state of fear/panic today. It took ALL the energy I had to just face some scary tasks last week involving people & phone calls - but since I did those last week, I have not been able to stay in that state of empowerment - I've slipped once again into avoidant freeze/flight. UGH.

On morning like this, especially rainy Monday, I find it impossible to face life. Anyone else go through this? It's something I have to just ride out like a wave. Forced action will not happen - I would only further resist. I saw a video on YT Surviving to Thriving & she suggests a breathing technique & acupressure points to normalize my amygdala from chronic hypervigilance. I guess I need to accept that this is where I'm at right now, and not be angry at myself. The temptation is for the Inner Critic to really let me have it for all of my avoidance behaviors. Note to self: It's NOT YOUR FAULT. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

I have not been to this forum in a long time, but really feeling the effects of (undiagnosed - but surely) c-ptsd now after a 17-month stay at my narcissist parents' home (due to past job/home loss) ... I am finally freed through the grace of God & have my own place I just moved into, which the narcissists are paying for. I most certainly earned it after the mental torment they put me through the past year. It became a situation where I was paralyzed & unable to act on moving forward in life (freeze state of cptsd after many years of fight/flight) and narc. family was finally desperate enough to get me out of their house. I was there much longer than anyone expected, including myself.

Just feeling intermittent shakiness, fear, sadness, worry & physical breakdown right now. Overall I'm okay, just transitioning from a year where I basically lived like a hermit, constantly over-vigilant & hiding from my narcs. My latest fears involve getting repairs fixed - very triggering for me due to past landlord who was also a narc. Need to remind myself that it's okay now - my current owners & their rep seem to be very nice, reasonable people.

I know I need counseling at some point so that I can help myself move forward more easily, but I'm too overwhelmed right now just getting settled into new place (which is awesome by the way). I also urgently need to get a job!

The other day I broke down & cried after a week of 'subconscious disturbance' that was rising to the surface, and realized it was an emotional flashback. Being aware of that is what helped me get through it and it passed. Right now I am just feeling physically exhausted & broke down  :stars: from the stresses of moving and facing life again without hiding behind covert narcissists. There is a lot of sadness that I had to go through so much psychological manipulation at the hands of my family. It is still hard for me at times to cope with the knowledge of who these people are & what they've done to my self-esteem. Borderline mother is already trying to have family over my new place, including the flying monkey sibling who I am almost completely 'no contact' with. I won't allow it. Now I am looking forward to healing the damage & taking my life back.

Introductory Post / New here too (and feeling "frozen")
« on: May 05, 2017, 12:43:16 AM »
Hi, I explained a bit of my background in the Symptoms section (adulthood) under Feeling Frozen post ...

This site looks great and I would also like to get that Pete book.

From YouTube channels I have learned a lot in the past few months about NPD and the effects of the psychological abuse on people like me. My abuse was/is "covert" (except for the verbal attacks from my father occasionally) so the parents only appear like normal beings on the surface, but my general feeling is they destroyed the core selves of me and my sibling.

It's nice to find a forum that is more focused on us ... even though YouTube has been great for learning & camaraderie.

I am pretty sure I suffer from this CPTSD, it describes well many years of chronic problems and answers the question "WHAT is WRONG with me???" that I've asked myself too often.

My current dilemma is (yet again) finding a job and a home, this time while stuck in the abusers' home. Like I said, on the surface, they would appear as decent people to outsiders, but my sibling and I confirm to each other that all is very un-well here.

My syndrome presents mostly as being avoidant, isolated, and major issues coping with people -- especially those who represent some form of "authority" .. hence the issues I have with finances, health and employers. Basically every foundational aspect of life. Also: anxiety and depression, and for several months after losing my home, had panic attacks.

Okay! That's about enough for now, thanks everyone for being here :)

I am the adult daughter of 2 narcissist parents. I knew codependency was an issue since my late 20s and only became aware of the narcissism a few months ago now in my mid-40s. I suspect the mother also has some other personality disorder, maybe borderline.

I lost my home and then my job 10 days later (events unrelated) ... 6 months ago.
I was forced to move back with my parents because I had nowhere else to go.

I have been in a state of emotional paralysis for the past 4 months, after 2 months of panic attacks (resulting from a narcissist landlord, the reason I had to leave my home).
I am close to running out of money, and yet I'm so "frozen" that I have made little progress. Being around my parents at this stage of my life is really rough.

Does anyone else have experience with this? I've heard of a fight, flight or freeze response, and I suspect that after too many years of fight/flight, I am now frozen because I just can't take anymore trauma or drama in my life. I have been unable to take the normal actions that normal people take to move their life to the next level.

My foundation was already broken being raised by 2 narcissists, and the on/off unemployment & homelessness is just more stress than I can take. I was homeless for 2 years starting 5 years ago when my parents refused to help me & 'taught me a lesson' letting me get evicted. This was only 1.5 yrs after being in the hospital for a life-threatening autoimmune disorder.

How to get out of this emotional state and be able to move forward??? Where do I get the motivation?

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