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Messages - SE7

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16
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: I messed up
« on: July 02, 2018, 10:53:03 PM »
garlicmaster, thanks for posting.  i think that in itself is a form of self-care.

by the by, i've learned that 3 mo. intervals are difficult times in sobriety.  for some reason, those intervals are often when people relapse - 3 mos, 6 mos, 9 mos, a year, etc.  those may be times to be aware of when they're coming up, and take extra precautions.

hi sanmagic7, I just noticed what you said about this 3-month thing .. interesting because I'm struggling again right now a little past 3 months after leaving my narcissists FOO home. I was really believing that I'd be 'better' by now, but my will/motivation is just not kicking in. It's like my soul is still shut down & won't wake up. I have to get a job urgently so I have no time left to be paralyzed by an ongoing EF. Ugh.

17
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: I messed up
« on: July 02, 2018, 10:45:20 PM »
GarlicMaster,

That email with photos like that would have also triggered a big EF for me. My BPD queen-type has done something similar with photos, and I would be like why the * are you displaying that or giving that photo to so and so. This must be one of the narc. playbook tactics for some reason. It seems like such a minor thing from an observer point of view, but things like that can cause the EF almost instantaneously. I have felt that 'pulled the rug out from under me' too as a result of things like this.

18
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Something is wrong
« on: July 02, 2018, 10:36:55 PM »
hey, se7, holding a hand out to you, too.  we'll get thru this together, all right?  hang tough, sweetie.   love and a big but gentle hug.

hi  :wave: sanmagic7, thank you for your words of support :) I really appreciate it. I wrote in the post above where I'm at now. Have to catch up with the forum. Hope you are doing well yourself!

19
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Something is wrong
« on: July 02, 2018, 10:35:57 PM »
Thank you San.

I'm sorry you are also going through a rough day, SE7!  Having EF's are such a big pain, especially when they seem to come out of nowhere and there's no explanation for them. Though, it does appear you have alot on your plate to deal with at the moment.
I hope you felt safe while cocooning yourself in bed! I did the same thing, and woke up 3 hours later, of course that messes up my nightly rythms and not very smart before a big day tomorrow.

But at least today went faster because of it.

Thank you, Sceal. I haven't been at the board in a while because I've been very dissociated .. it seems I'm having another ongoing EF. I know what you mean about needing to be in bed during the day messing up the night. I just had to go lie down for a while so I'm just going with it for now. My system seems to need a lot more recovery time after living with my narcissists for 1.5 years. It's now 3 months away from them & still not recovered in the least. I don't want to go to a T at all ... but I do need to find a way to get through this. I'm even avoiding my two main support sources, which are reading the Bible & reading Pete Walker's book. I need to do something I guess so this doesn't carry on for too much longer.

20
hi alliematt, I  am sorry you're feeling so much pressure. I feel a lot like you do, from different situations, but I have several chronic medical conditions that are making me feel extremely triggered, not to mention the constant cloud of financial problems & underearning issues that are directly related to my C-PTSD.  Maybe sometimes we just need a time-out from all of it, because it is just too much to even think about it all at once. You are in good company!

21
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Something is wrong
« on: June 18, 2018, 06:56:40 PM »
hi Sceal, I haven't posted here in weeks, because I periodically need to take breaks from thinking about all the PD issues ... but I just came to the forum to write almost exactly what you already wrote here. Something feels very, very wrong with me today, so I believe I'm having a really bad EF again. Haven't had one in weeks at least, or a month. Probably triggered by having to see my parents yesterday. Also due to financial disappointment, after I just got what appeared to be a viable contract job which has turned out to be more unstable than I had originally thought. But the bills will still be there, and I still feel stalled in my career & paralyzed in attempts to get a job again. I also had bodywork done today, which was painful, for one of my conditions - and I think bodywork often sets me off emotionally. It then caused another physical symptom that is a sign of my other medical condition not being good.

Like you described, I am feeling off, sad, unmotivated (and if I did feel some motivation - it feels very spacey, unfocused, nebulous). I don't quite know what 'it' is that's bothering me, maybe everything? I feel so hopeless, but I don't want to give up. I can't allow that to happen. I just don't know what to do with myself right now. I was also planning in my head to go back to bed so I can cocoon myself because I don't feel safe.

At least know that you're not alone.

22
Sexual Abuse / TW re: therapist boundaries - good article
« on: June 05, 2018, 12:27:47 AM »
*trigger warning re: therapists having boundaries*

I saw this article and found it pretty shocking. It mentions that a T who would do this is likely a psychopath.
I think it's just something good to be aware of, considering we are recovering from PD people.
https://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2018/06/04/sexual-misconduct-therapists-may-more-common-than-you-think/lHh2CLBcxHF6bdDH1coWCO/story.html

23
Sexual Abuse / Re: Ick feeling from BPDm, emotional sexualization
« on: June 05, 2018, 12:20:56 AM »
Hi Kizzie, thanks, yes I have definitely set boundaries with both of them but BPD I have to come up with excuses, which works for getting physical boundaries (not in my home) but still makes me feel stressed emotionally. Like you said, it's that engulfing, objectifying type of vibe. She gives me the feeling like I'm some kind of toy doll or something. She tries in her own way to appear respectful, but she's a strong-willed BPD, so no, she will never be able to change. Her flowery, love-bombing language bothers me most of all, just makes me cringe! As for finances, I'm trying really hard to just get a job. Once I'm able to have one again, I think things will feel a lot better for me. Thanks so much for your response! I'm so grateful that there is someone like you who understands how this feels :)

24
Sexual Abuse / Re: Mixed messages- why are professionals so split?
« on: June 03, 2018, 08:56:20 PM »
Hi SAL27, I can so relate to your post, because I had a repressed body memory come up during bodywork many years ago, and told a T about it (a male T) who told me "even if it's true, it's best to leave it in the past - it might not be true so it's better to just leave it alone" - I was like, huh? Nice solution!

I have been to many T's in the past, but I have not been to any since I became conscious of what I believe happened to me at about age 6 (and possibly multiple times much younger). Part of my memory is blacked out, but the physical memory is vivid, always has been. I don't listen to or trust T's for the final word on anything in my life and you know why? Because every single one of them never properly diagnosed me with what I now know is C-PTSD! How could they not have figured out that my family are N/B PDs? How could they not tell I was a survivor of psych. abuse? I find it infuriating. I got every other diagnosis based on symptoms like anxiety & depression & codependency. But it had to take me into middle age to finally realize the real problem? And I had to figure it out on my own? Yes! This is why I honestly don't care if I never go to another T again. Part of me thinks it could help if I present them with what I know first & they're willing to work with it, but part of me doesn't care & just wants to therapize myself.

I would say trust your gut instinct, you know on some level even if it's not consciously clear. The body knows, the heart knows, the emotions know.

25
Yes. On one hand, it was liberating & empowering seeing those women have a court victory, but then when they give graphic details of their stories on TV or news, it is very triggering. It's not the kind of thing I want to just hear about out of the blue & get all the bad memories going again. It's definitely a double-edged sword. The hard part about it is that when I see a story come up in the news, because I am a survivor of several scenarios, I feel automatically compelled to read or watch about what they went through. I was like this many years ago too before I was aware that I had been SA. Always drawn to reading the books of celebrities describing their SA. What is that? Why the compelling need to know the stories, when I know they will be triggering or painful? What is that about? Why can't I just say to myself, no, don't read or watch that. You don't need the trigger. There are times I've done that, but most of the time I give in.

p.s. andyman73 - regarding the feeling of being left out, I can understand because for me that feeling comes from being an adult survivor of narcissists/borderline who are COVERTS. I cannot really point to obvious overt behavior that most associate with abuse (like physical or verbal) - most of what I've been through is not visible, it is hidden but soul-crushing nonetheless. I constantly feel the need to shout out 'my abusers are COVERTS! you might think they seem like great people! no one can see but the damage is infinite! Maybe they did do things overt - but there's not enough proof' ... so I hear where you're coming from. As for #MeToo, you are absolutely included.

26
Sexual Abuse / Ick feeling from BPDm, emotional sexualization
« on: June 03, 2018, 08:35:16 PM »
I am a female adult in middle age - so why the * am I being subject to weirdness regarding my BPDm? Like the emotional sexualization from my NPDf was not enough? It appears that BOTH of them do this. It makes me cringe with disgust - I am badly triggered today because of a weird text from her.

Because they are both COVERTS, I will never get 'proof' of any of this - that plausible deniability thing? My m worded this text in a really gross, creepy way like she was in love with me and wanted to be with me, something about 'enjoy each other' - I don't know if she meant doing something that we could enjoy 'WITH' each other - but she LEFT OUT THE WORD 'WITH' .... this is one of those crazy-making things that coverts do, that screw up survivors' lives more than anyone can imagine! This kind of stuff will destroy a person's soul just as much as if they'd been beaten - because it can't be identified, there's no proof, makes you confused & feeling like you're going crazy.

I feel like I am the object of desire in my FOO. I am not joking. There are too many instances of inappropriate emotional sexualization. I'm not going to give examples right now, because I just can't.

I just feel so GROSS right now. I can't tolerate the sickeningly sweet, overly mushy, love-bombing things BPDm writes to me - it literally makes me want to throw up. This woman is nuts. I don't want to hang out with her. I don't want to go anywhere with her. But she is making me feel obligated and it's driving me crazy. I can't go NC because they are helping me pay bills - this is the nightmare web I am caught in with this FOO. I want to get out, but my CPTSD has been so bad for 1.5 years, that I just feel paralyzed where getting a job is concerned. I have run out of time and I know I need to take quick action. I'm trying to just read Pete Walker's book, because I cannot handle going to a therapist. I feel it will actually cause me more problems because I have a lot of fears about revealing my life to people. Even doing it online I have a deep sense of shame & paranoia, but I feel I need to share to get through this & recover. Does anyone else here feel this way? I write all these posts, then want to delete them because of the toxic shame & fear of getting found out. Maybe the fear is induced by my FOO and I'm just projecting it.

Anyway ... I also had circumstantial evidence that I was probably molested as a young child. Again, I have no proof, because part of the memory is blacked out. The problem for me now as an adult is not sexual, but rather emotional. It is the emotional CRINGE factor that makes all of this so bad.


27
Hi, I think it can't hurt to at least find out from your friends if your Nm contacted them. It would at least ease your mind to know. And you could always explain to them what kind of mother you have - that she's not the typical normal mother so they understand.

I don't know if my situation is any similar, but I have a deep fear & suspicion of my NPDf & BPDm, esp. because of the shenanigans they have pulled on me in the past, like the N hiring a PI to stalk me, both of them letting me go homeless to teach me a lesson, and my N's verbally abusive rages when I was living with them after I lost everything. My m is love-bombing me like crazy right now, trying to get me to have her over my place, and I already set a boundary that I do NOT want any family members in my place - however, now that I think of it, the boundary was only really set with the Nf - and I don't know how to quite tell the Bm, as it will make her feel rejected.

I also feel a sense of fear (maybe it could be called paranoia just because of how these people have treated me, so if it's that it would be well-founded!) I have fears that if I call her back, I will get entrapped by something she says or asks me, which could make things worse for me (I have good reason for this) - but then if I DON'T respond to her at all, I fear their covert manipulations behind the scenes could also make things worse for me. There NEVER seems to be a "right" way to deal with these people, except total no contact, but I am under obligation because they are paying some of my bills. Part of the narcissistic abuse in my FOO is extreme financial control & manipulation so that's how I got caught in their web. They incapacitated me emotionally and I finally broke down after too many roller coasters, which then put me further in need & under their control.

My Nf is a master guilt-tripper, called me entitled, spoiled, etc. (as a child I was called selfish & lazy) - even though they are the ones with all that money can buy while I live like a pauper. He loves to guilt-trip me like I'm a bad daughter, because apparently I was supposed to 'take care of' them in their old age, even though they are just fine, and I am the one who always has all the problems. Since I have nothing to actually give them, I suppose what they want is constant adoration & affection, which I just can't give.

Based on how I saw my malignant Nf treat me, I absolutely know that they are capable of damaging our relationships with others behind the scenes. They will stalk (or hire others to track), and they certainly will triangulate if you have a sibling (mine is their GC, and he is hopelessly enmeshed with my Nf, especially financially - GC has no backbone whatsoever when it comes to the N). My sibling used to be my best friend - but he decided I guess it was more lucrative for him to fawn to the Ns, and it is basically 3 against 1 now.

So if there is any degree of paranoia, we are justified in that feeling - this is what I believe a "malignant" narcissist would do. And I'm noticing that maybe how I feel around my FOO is why I feel this fear in general, that gets projected to so many other areas of my life. It's a feeling in general that everyone is out to get me. How can I feel safe in a world where I am afraid of my own family?

Sorry I'm going off about my own situation ... but I thank you for sharing that you feel something bordering on p, because this has been really bothering me too.

28
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Feeling panicked
« on: May 30, 2018, 04:36:32 AM »
Hi Enya, I felt that way a few weeks ago, and someone pointed me to this thread:
http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=7214.0

It sounds like an emotional flashback you're having.

I went through on/off panic attacks after I moved out of the PDs house, but now I'm in another phase of dissociation.

The good thing is that what you're feeling right now won't last forever. It will pass! :)

29
I haven't read all the replies yet but I so know what you mean, because decades ago when I was just waking up to the fact that I came from dysfunction, I joined CODA ... I thought everything was about codependency. But for some reason I could never really stick with the 12 step programs. I also tried therapy for anxiety ... but it wasn't just anxiety either.

I think you may feel disillusioned with AA because it is yet just another symptom of a much deeper issue, like you said, just as it was for me with Coda and anxiety and whatever else shows up as a symptom. I couldn't figure out what the real problem was till last year, in middle age. I finally know it's CPTSD due to narcissistic abuse. It's the umbrella problem that covers all the other symptoms, addictions, compulsions, etc.

So don't feel too bad if AA doesn't feel quite right. I don't think any of these specific orgs, methods, etc. necessarily feel right for any of us suffering with CPTSD.

The thing helping me is to just read & write. I read books on PD abuse & CPTSD, and I journal out all of my revelations, not in any methodical way, just when things surface. I call it therapizing myself! :) And I think it does help.

30
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: NOT WORTHY
« on: May 28, 2018, 09:52:48 PM »
Hi MotherOf2Meowzers,

Actually this is one of my biggest issues, because my psychological abuse was COVERT, not like the overt abuse I see many others have gone through. This means I have no real "proof" of how I was manipulated or mentally abused - because there were no physical signs, no beatings, not even really overt putdowns or anything "obvious" to others in the way of negative talk. The covert nature of how my PD parents have interacted with me is THE very thing that often causes me to doubt myself or think "well I didn't go through as much as others did"  .... but I DID because I look to my life and all its many, many symptoms. I see the effects and it's undeniable that I was severely psychologically abused.

We don't need outside validation though to know that we're suffering and that something was clearly not right in our world. When I feel like you do, I try to review the signs & symptoms & behaviors of NPD & BPD abuse & CPTSD and then I get all the proof & validation that I need!

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