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Thanks for the reminder to get back to reading Pete Walker's book! I started reading it, jumping around to key chapters & highlighting them in Kindle, but life gets in the way and I forget to go back to reading. I just went back today & it so clearly describes what goes on with me. It is by far the most specific revelation I've ever had about my own condition. God bless him!

I am coming out of a long period of psychological abuse from my narcissist family when living with them - and I also have these symptoms of periodically being exhausted physically and I've also noticed my hair falling out more than usual in the past few weeks .. I'm figuring it's from the extreme stress caused by the last emotional abuse attack my NF dealt me last month before I finally moved out. I go through on & off phases of productivity vs. needing to completely do nothing.

I think this poll is a very interesting commentary on when a lot of us may come to awareness about our abuse and the resulting C-PTSD. I did not become 100 percent aware of all aspects of this until age 46 so it's interesting to see my age category here.

Hi Dee, just here in solidarity with you ... I only have one memory of what I believe to have been a result of sexual abuse ... pretty much everything is blacked out for me but the circumstantial memories/feelings are there in my body & psyche. I was just recently psychologically abused by my father again (a few days ago) and it brought up the topic of the sexual abuse which prompted another mention of this to my mother -- MOST uncomfortable. I agree that it's totally unfair. Hopefully we will find a way to accept that this was part of our past, but it is a hard thing to ever have to accept. Hang in there, you're not alone.

In saying this, I can totally see how you've been triggered by it all because I think every single person who discovers they have been abused by a narcissist goes through a 'narc hunter' phase where we obsessively hate these people. I went through a period of about 2 years where a good majority of my spare time was spent finding out as much as possible about narcissists. It wasn't completely useless...but it was extremely unhealthy.

It wasn't until the obsession subsided that I've finally been able to fully grasp the concept of emotional flashbacks.

Hi, you bring up a lot of good points. I only recently realized the whole narc. thing and definitely went through that phase which I think is necessary when at first realizing what the problem is and who the narc. is, etc. It was very valuable to me and I know I still need to know more since I only did that exploration for a few months (I need to study more of the behaviors they do so I can label them and know it's not me with the problem). But I quickly realized it was going to be very unhealthy for me to focus too much on the narcs and narcissism in general, that it would be more helpful for me to focus on the healing 'recovery' part of it all, which is why I'm more focused on the CPTSD aspects. There is a huge amount of (understandable) bitterness in the narc. community on YouTube, and at times it can be valuable for me but I find it can be triggering also, and can lead me into a dark place of bitterness that is not a good place to stay at for long.

I also found certain people on YT can be triggering, because as victims of narc. abuse they absolutely have narc. traits, which I'm sure I probably have in certain areas too (it's inevitable, being raised by 2 narcs -- we learn to fight it with what we learned). I'm learning to take what works for me and leave the rest. I was once in Coda many years ago on and off and though the 12 step path helped me, I couldn't stick with it probably because I didn't totally identify with the codep. community since the real issue all along was narcissistic abuse which I was unaware of. Many of the Coda people were more like my narc/borderline mother, so my brand of codependency felt more rare since I was on the other end of it.

Anyway, I'm rambling here Just thought you brought up a lot of good points.

Yes, I wrote about this I think under the Symptoms section in Adulthood a week or two ago, about being "Frozen" ... it is my main symptom and has caused me to not be able to work while living under my parents' roof ... I am close to financial destruction again and the other night I asked myself 'what is the real reason why you can't take any action to save yourself?' ... It turns out it wasn't actually the issue of getting a job nearly as much as my emotions over many years of things going wrong for me ... it is like a grief for all the disappointments, pains, sufferings, rejections in life. I sat at my computer the other day and was unable to get anything done and had to just eventually go to sleep. That's when I tried to figure out what is underlying it all. I think I won't be able to break the paralysis unless I'm willing to face these emotions and try to comfort myself. It was all triggered by me losing my home and then my job, and then having nowhere to go except my parents' house -- and they are the 2 narcissists responsible for the original psychological/financial abuse that broke my foundation in the first place. I had panic attacks for 2 months after losing everything, and thought I could trust my dad who seemed nice for a while then verbally lashed out at me in January -- since then I've been unable to do what I need to, and it has really cost me. The good thing is I FINALLY realized that I have CPTSD from all this and that I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse syndrome. It took a lifetime to finally realize where my misery came from so this in itself was an accomplishment despite my "frozen" state the past 6 months. We need to be kind to ourselves because there's an important reason why we are reacting this way.

Hello SE7, 
most of this resonates with me! Particularly the "major issues coping with with people -- especially those who represent some form of authority" all the way along to problems with finances, health and employers.

I have had phases of recurring nightmares of being stuck in parental home, having to move out but not being able to find a job to pay the rent. They really are nightmares, they're terrible, so I'm so sorry you're dealing with this issue in real life.

I find this forum really supportive; usually there's at least one person, often more, who can identify with my symptoms/reactions and history.

Progress and some degree of healing is possible. That's the good news.

thanks Blueberry ... my parents are back now and I had to rearrange my living setup yet again, just like the wanderer I am.

I am actually feeling better about myself overall, the depression is pretty much gone and most of the anxiety, but I'm still really 'stuck' in paralysis with getting a job ... and I pretty much have to get one within WEEKS .... I'm trying not to let the inner critic have any say about this & trying to figure out how to break this paralysis quickly.

Note to self: You still have cPTSD as a result of past/present narcissistic abuse layered with real-life circumstances that were traumatic. It's not your fault. You will get through this. Yes, you will be employed again. It is OKAY to take small steps and take breaks in between. Be kind to yourself.

What do you do when you can't decide and trying to know for sure just makes you neurotic and makes you spin your wheels? I'm trying just to relax with not knowing for now, but then the question comes up... How important is it to KNOW that there was mistreatment or 'abuse'?

Hi eucatastrophe21, I lost my post in reply

Will try to remember what I wrote ... I can relate a lot to your questions since I have a similar issue due to the type of abuse I had:
1. Mine was covert narcissistic abuse, so the injury was "not seen" in obvious ways ... it's all the subtleties, inferences, implications that did the most damage.
2. I suspect my narc. father of molesting me as a young child. I have no direct memory of this actually happening, but a very long list of circumstantial evidence with 2 very suspicious memories. Yet, if it did really happen, the actual events were blacked out in my mind.

So I have often prayed that I would just remember, unblock the memories, and I've envied those who had more obvious 'abuse' in the classical sense, because my damage is as great if not greater than theirs, yet I don't have the obvious 'proof' ... one thing that has helped me is getting validation from my sibling who recently came to the SAME awareness that we were both psychologically abused, and he even could clearly identify that I have been the scapegoat and he has been the golden child.

It is very valuable to get ANY kind of evidence from a sibling. I would take that as your proof, along with all of your symptoms. They didn't get there by accident or for no reason. If we have a laundry list of symptoms and they fit the description of a certain syndrome like CPTSD or narcissistic abuse syndrome, then chances are it really did happen to us.

Also, if you can recall examples of things that were said to you that 'second-guessed' you or 'amended' what you did or said, or just plain doubted you, this is a good way to know that this covert type of psychological abuse really did happen. Because that behavior actually causes us to second-guess ourselves. This was the chief way my mother psychologically abused me, causing me a very difficult time in life making decisions or feeling good enough with anything I said or did. She gave me the feeling that anything I did could always be 'improved' .. who can live like that? No wonder I suffer from severe perfectionism and procrastination, and it has directly affected my livelihood even in middle age.

I am pretty sure I suffer from this CPTSD, it describes well many years of chronic problems and answers the question "WHAT is WRONG with me???" that I've asked myself too often... My syndrome presents mostly as being avoidant, isolated, and major issues coping with people -- especially those who represent some form of "authority" .. hence the issues I have with finances, health and employers. Basically every foundational aspect of life. Also: anxiety and depression, and for several months after losing my home, had panic attacks.

Wow, so much here I identify with. Anxiety, depression, I've suffered panic attacks too (horrible experiences... especially when you're trying to lead a seminar at university and you have one!!), and your comment about authority figures is very very interesting. I've always mistrusted and avoided interacting with authority figures, perhaps fearing abuses of power. I really feel for you. Isn't it great to not be alone in this, knowing that others are successfully finding their way out of this? It gives me hope. Thanks so much for sharing  .

Hi soulsurvivor! Yes, it definitely feels like a need to avoid more abuses of power, and I know I need to remind myself that all human beings are not trying to control me like the parents did. And yes, it is really great to not be alone here. It gives me hope too Thanks!

Even though I am nervous about reading posts, the title of yours got to me because I describe myself as "frozen" a lot, so I checked it out.  And then I read this:

My syndrome presents mostly as being avoidant, isolated, and major issues coping with people -- especially those who represent some form of "authority" .. hence the issues I have with finances, health and employers. Basically every foundational aspect of life.

We could be twins on this bit right here, I'm sorry to say.  Truly knocked me out to read almost exactly what I've written about like this.

I was almost literally bound to my parental unit (who was/is also very similar to how you've described yours are) for 31 years.  I can relate to being stuck as you've written you are.

I'm no longer bound.  At least, not exactly - we are no longer in each other's space and lives. 

I'm sorry that you are stuck as you are and I hope that you won't have to continue to be for long.  Healing yourself always has to take a back seat when you're in survival mode, doesn't it?  May you be free and be able to start to heal soon.

Hey DaisyLane Wow, that is pretty amazing to have this same issue! It is rough, isn't it? My parents are making me leave here by the end of June, which is a great thing actually, except that I have done NOTHING to prepare & have yet again put myself in a bad situation. I finally realize it is due to this CPTSD (example, I had another emotional flashback yesterday, and I would never have known this if not for the last few months of me researching online). I felt so frozen yesterday that it was impossible to do anything but focus on my healing, but very soon I will not have that 'luxury' anymore.

Anyway thanks for your support, and I'm glad to hear you are no longer bound!

Hello and welcome! I hope you find the same sense of belonging that I and many others have found here.

Thanks Three Roses, yes I'm sure I will!

Welcome, SE7!

Wow, I could have written this. Sorry that you are also in this situation.

Thanks mourningdove!

Hi, I am replying to what you wrote: "I cant believe i have resorted to a forum for support. what does that in itself mean?"

I'm just wondering why you perceive posting on a support forum as a negative thing?
It sounds like you think it's beneath you or implies something bad, or that we here who do it are somehow bad?

I think of support forums like this one as a total BLESSING because everyone struggling with such severe issues can explain very difficult and painful details to others who understand, which is not something you can just do face to face with anyone. I prefer online support any day over medication or a therapist (for me, I understand it works for others but it's not for me -- I have been through so many therapists who just couldn't quite grasp my complex set of issues).

One of the first things I learned when I joined recovery communities in my late 20s many years ago was the first step in the 12 step groups:
"We admitted we were powerless over (fill in the blank -- anxiety, depression, addiction, abuse, codependency, etc.) and that our lives had become unmanageable." First we had to ADMIT it was a problem.

My guess is that if you are judging yourself just for seeking support here, then maybe you haven't yet totally accepted what has happened to you? Or that you haven't accepted that you are having issues as a result of it? 

In this situation I would start with the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity
to Accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and Wisdom to know the difference, Amen.



p.s. the bathroom has also been my hiding place many times in workplaces! I was the expert at it, lol

I share a similar history (both parents and older sister are narcissists) though I'm in my 60's. I too am in the process of reclaiming my life and my finances because 7 years ago I allowed my life to fall apart after becoming the legal caretaker of my abusers. I pray and do all I can to make sure the day never comes that I have return to their home. With geography and a space to call my own, I at least stand a chance at fulfilling dreams I know I still have. If I moved back with my parents I would not only lose sight of my dreams, I would lose my soul and my spirit. Me as I know me would fall to the abyss

Living with your narcissistic parents is more than really rough – it's damn impossible to stay true to yourself. I'd encourage you to do a few things while you're in this situation. Google search "emotionally distance yourself from your family". There are a multitude of articles to read through that might help you. You can't change them, but you can change how you react to them.

Surround yourself with people of similar interests. If you're in a "frozen" state you may not know what those interests are anymore. You're young and if you live in the US you might know of MeetUp.com. Just browsing through the various categories might invoke that feeling where you want to explore it further. If you can, join a support group. It doesn't have to be a cptsd group (though that would be great). Any kind of group might be helpful at this point – women in career transition, a political group, get involved in your community, do some volunteer work. Do anything to get you focused on something else and not your parents. It needs to motivate you enough to get out of the bad neighborhood you're going to end up hanging out in inside your head. I went on a weekend intensive retreat when I was around your age that I found extremely helpful.

A small workbook I haven't finished yet but do find helpful is The Hard Questions for an Authentic Life by Susan Piver. It forces you to think about what matters to you. The other thing that's important, actually imperative, is that you remain connected to your own set of values and what makes you valuable. Years ago I began a list for myself called "Evidence of Value". Every so often I look it over and even add to it. I know I have a weak belief system because of my traumatic history so for me I need more than just listing what makes me valuable, I list the evidence along with it. I don't just say "I'm bright", I say "in college, I won a competition against 200 other candidates to represent my school while studying abroad for a semester". Begin your own Evidence of Value list – you'll find you are way more amazing than you realize. It's a long, hard road to reclamation but it's worth it and come here as often as you need for hugs and nourishment along the way. 

Hi lambchop, thanks for the tips   It would do me good to get out and be around some type of community like I used to do. I probably won't feel ready though until I move into my own place. Evidence of value list is a great idea, to remind me that I'm actually a better job candidate than many out there. I'm glad you were able to move forward, it helps remind me that I won't be in this situation forever!

I'm not surprised you are in the state that you are. You have gone through so much! Yes I have suddenly found myself dependent and at the mercy of PDM later in life and it was terrifying and I had a lot of emotional flashbacks and early trauma come up. I've also gone through a lot of loss - home, health, livelihood. You WILL come out the other side, I know how scary and upsetting it all is. Maybe being frozen is your body's way of protecting you but obviously it doesn't help you leave the situation.

When I have been experiencing cPTSD in the form of intense terror I read that physical movement can help discharge it so I tried yoga and it really helped on a very visceral level. Also, garner as much external support as you can, whether friends or support groups or here or anything. It might be you are in a frozen state because you are really emotionally overwhelmed, so support is really important.

Maybe just take little steps...I am a firm believer in the idea that as long as you are facing in the right direction and taking little steps you'll get there in the end. Visualisation can be really helpful - visualising how you want your life to be and really feeling it in your body (without worrying about the logistics at all). It can help bypass the inner critic which keeps you stuck.

hey blueskies, thanks for the validation of what I'm going through!

Yes, the online support really helps me, and also the bunches of books I have, spiritual & psychology. I just ordered a few more to be my 'support' when the NPDs come home in a week.

The physical movement thing you mentioned is so true .. just doing anything physical that can be seen as 'pampering' .. I finally got myself to dye my hair today and I feel much better. I'm trying to visualize what I'll look like with hair/nails done and new outfits so I can feel like a working person again.