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Messages - SE7

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31
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Help for a friend
« on: May 14, 2018, 09:19:59 PM »
I would see if she could get a restraining order, considering that she already has a lawyer.
Definitely she needs to document everything he says & does (and all strange events) to show proof that she feels they are in imminent danger - especially with his police record this shouldn't be too hard to prove.

32
Thank you, Deep Blue, I truly appreciate that :)

I will go with that ... try again tomorrow ...

33
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Feeling like a jerk
« on: May 10, 2018, 04:05:04 PM »
Hi AncientSoul, I just read through rather quickly (skimmed) but my overall impression that I got from what you wrote is "mixed signals" - as in it sounds like she was seriously playing with your head. I'll have to go back & read more slowly, but that's the first impression I got. I'm not understanding how you were a "jerk" - it seems like she was the jerk for being hot/cold and on/off with you?

Maybe she was trying to get you jealous by ignoring or hanging out with other people, like she's trying to prompt you into some kind of reaction. Have you talked about wanting to have a dating type romantic relationship, or have you only agreed to be just friends? It seems there needs to be some more clear, direct communication about both of your intentions toward each other. Of course I don't think you asked for an opinion so forgive me for giving one :) I just don't think you need to be hard on yourself at all - and maybe she's not wrong either but rather you're just both confused from a lack of communication.

34
This is the story of my life. I take a gargantuan step forward, have a great day getting a lot of things done, and then it takes so little to throw me off.

Woke up on wrong side of bed today, feeling tired because I woke up in middle of night to watch the news.
Now it's late, missed the garbage truck, then found a pile-up of water in my trashcan which spilled all over the place including my feet.

I can feel myself wanting to avoid absolutely everything again today. I've had deep dread of getting medical results at my dr. appt. next week. It makes me feel out of control. I realized yesterday that as a child I had at least 4 traumatic events involving my physical body all by age 12. Maybe this is why as a middle-age adult I feel unable to handle yet one more bad diagnosis?
*Trigger Warning*

-->2 of these events as a child were related to something sexual, either direct or implied. There's nothing quite like feeling scared & confused about what is happening to my physical body. Then, as an adult, I am triggered constantly by having medical conditions and worrying what the next bombshell drop will be from the next medical test.

When I have this dark cloud of dread of something bad happening, it becomes very hard to function in life and has dramatically affected my ability to have a livelihood.

I did so well yesterday ... I hate that it takes so much energy to sustain a good effort. I mean I read a recovery book, read my bible, got 12-step support .. and today I just want to stay in bed!!!!!  :'(

I'm also triggered by that STUPID HOLIDAY CALLED MOTHER'S DAY. Why do I always have to CELEBRATE HER? That BPD queen narc. who psychologically destroyed me for life? I'm so tired of it! Once again, I have to tell her GC that no, I don't have enough money to contribute to her big god-damned day. She's set for life, what does she need me for except supply as her toy doll? As usual, I have NOTHING of material significance to offer!!!!!! But because the PDs helped me out financially in so many ways, of course I am obligated to show my gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. How will it look when I can't give much more than a card?

I am so tired of feeling like the loser in life!

Sorry this post was all over the place - so many issues, all the time - such is C-PTSD!  :fallingbricks:

/rant

35
General Discussion / Re: Fell in love with an amazing girl with CPTSD
« on: April 26, 2018, 06:43:18 PM »
@RunningMan, I can only speak for myself in answer to your question. I am not officially diagnosed with CPTSD, but I now clearly know I have it, as I was raised by two narcissists (one who is borderline with narc. traits - they are both also undiagnosed - but ...)

The greatest quality a partner of CPTSD can have is flexibility. CPTSD with the emotional flashbacks brings on a range of cycles of emotions - we can be empowered one day, and hiding in a room the next. That's at least what I go through.

I do not deal well with pressure from people, ever. I have a lot of issues with control & power due to being psychologically manipulated by narcs. I characterize this issue like pathways in my brain that are twisted or crossed. I won't react the way a regular person will react to certain things. For example, the more you pressure me to do something, the more I will resist. However, if I'm the one who feels in control, then I might very likely proceed with the very same action on my own. The minute you press or prompt me, I'm headed for the hills. So someone has to understand this about me and if they're flexible with it, we're fine. I go through many days, weeks, months where I have to "ramp up" in order to face some type of life task or situation - I find certain things stressful and need time to build up to it, push through it, then come down from it during a recovery phase. "Just do it" doesn't work for me.

Don't tell someone with CPTSD "oh you're being too sensitive" or "you need to do this, this and this ..." - it devalues the very real emotional flashbacks we go through (and in my case, this is exactly what the narcissist/borderline in my life did to me to cause the damage in the first place). Acceptance of our cycles is critical to getting along well with us. I deal with someone best who simply understands, accepts and doesn't pressure me or dump advice on me every minute (unless I ask for it).

And I agree esp. with that first point from Cadie - our behaviors are very varied, and look like a million different disorders - anxiety, depression, codependency, etc. These are all just symptoms originating from the broken foundation caused by our trauma, abuse, manipulation or neglect. We are injured, not mentally ill or crazy. We are operating in one or more of the 4 trauma responses at any given time if we are triggered. The best education on this I'm finding is Pete Walker's book which I have only just begun reading myself but instantly resonated with.

Above all, just let us go through what we're going through (this might be total dissociation, or very intense emotions). It usually does pass, but if it doesn't, it is okay to gently suggest seeking help but ultimately that has to come from the person themselves.

36
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Dissociated
« on: April 24, 2018, 06:44:32 PM »
Sending you a  :hug: I thatís ok.

Way to go.  Iím so glad you found a way that works for you.  You should be proud of yourself.  Thanks for letting us know about the self care you chose.  It is a good reminder of things to do for the rest of us as well.
 :bighug:

Thank you so much for the encouragement Deep Blue!  :)  :cheer:

37
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Dissociated
« on: April 24, 2018, 06:41:58 PM »
As a freeze person of long standing, what you describe relates the pattern of my own awkward stumbles along the path, and to make it worse there is no well-defined trail to follow either.

A hard one for me to realize is that there is no perfect way that will be the best in every circumstance. One reason we get into these fixes is our fear of hurt if we do it 'wrong'. So maybe cultivate an attitude that draws on what your heart is telling you that you most need in a given situation.

Which still might be painful, on the surface; but if it's the best (even if not perfect) for you, that can't be fully known 'til you're further down the road anyway. Suspending the right/wrong judgement might seem risky, but when you have to do something be open to letting your heart be the ultimate guide.

Unfortunately, this is hard on the system. Finding ways to keep one's spirits aligned and relaxed is key; whether it be by meditation, nature walks, music, or things that are calming, relaxing, and mood-lifting.

I'm not sure I'd abide well with advice that sounds like effort; it might have the reverse effect and send me back into the cave--this goes back to trying so hard as a kid and never accomplishing what others wanted. This is where it's important to decide if sidestepping the pain will cost more than it's worth. Further hurt is always possible, but I've also found that by taking certain risks sometimes the seemingly insurmountable pain diminishes and a situation turns out not be as bad as anticipated.

Some dissociation is natural, considering what many of us went through to arrive at this point. It may be more a matter of tamping down the perfect expectations. The most important part you seem to be onto--and that's to work from a sense of self-awareness. The bad news is there isn't a clear way forward that will work in all circumstances.

This sounds a little like the phrase "feel the fear and do it anyway". Personally I hate that, but on occasion it seems like the only alternative.

hi woodsgnome, thank you for your thoughts. Yes, I have that fear of 'hurt' if I do things 'wrong' or I imagine uncomfortable scenarios that might result if I take an action. Right now my heart is telling me that I'm in an acute state & for now I need permission to not do the action that under normal circumstances I'd expect myself to do (like call someone back out of courtesy - I just can't bring myself to do it because of the things that would result that I'm not willing to face - having someone come over which I just cannot deal with now, etc.) I agree with you to take it by each circumstance, and suspend judgment of each regarding right/wrong. It's kind of like a radical self-acceptance thing as a means of self-care.

And I also agree w/what you said about something that seems like 'effort' having the reverse effect (that's what I call 'flooding' - something I don't want to do to myself right now).

38
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Dissociated
« on: April 24, 2018, 06:33:22 PM »
Hey SE7 and Cookido,
I dissociated last month and it was an agonizing 3 days for me.  It was a really rough time and I just wanted to get out of it. 

This is what I tried first:  (none of these worked for me but maybe they will for you)
I took a hot shower
I snapped a rubber band
I went for a hard run
I tried to let it out by watching a funny movie and sad movie.

What actually got me of it was I had a massive panic.  I wish it was an easier fix, but that is what happened  :Idunno:

Hang in there.  Practice self care.  Reach out if you need us.
 :grouphug:

Hi Deep Blue (and Cookido this is the post where I'm saying what I did :) )
Thanks for the ideas, they are similar to the First Aid suggestions I read here on this forum from Three Roses: http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=7214.0

Aside from having a massive panic to push us into action (which can work sometimes, lol), I found this helped me yesterday:
1. practiced some music
2. did that breathing method 4-6-8 from the First Aid links
3. read all the webpages linked for First Aid too
4. did 5,4,3,2,1 technique
5. gave myself permission to completely avoid one of the things that had me in a panic (contacting someone back - which I decided I'm just not going to do right now because I can't handle it - I'm going to wait a few weeks if needed & give an excuse later, or until I get a job so I feel more empowered. I feel bad that this person keeps calling to meet a request I initiated, but I'm not in the same place now as when I was willing to deal with it - the person took too long and now I just don't want to deal with it even though it would be for my benefit - the person's schedule is not in sync with mine right now).
6. realized that PMS has contributed to the extreme dissociation (it made it much worse than normal).

So today I'm feeling a little better. I still was panicking because the person called me again this morning, but instead of staying in bed I got up, drove myself to the store & bought some food, got gasoline, got my mail. These small actions broke me out of it a little. I also then found myself making a phone call about a bill, that I normally would have avoided but I wanted it resolved so I took care of it.

Thanks for being here y'all to go through this with me ..

39
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Dissociated
« on: April 24, 2018, 06:20:19 PM »
I'm a bit in the same situation as you. I can't see a way out and all I feel like doing is resting. Even so, I still do a lot of the things I should do. I apply for jobs, I went to an interview, and it leaves me feeling more exhausted, and a future fades even more. I don't dare to think about a future even because the only thing I can think is that I'm f*cked.

So basically I can relate and I'm also interessted what others have to say. Can't really come with coping or solutions because I'm not there yet.

Hi Cookido, thanks for replying .. I have that too with the constant need to "rest" .. but my problem is I rested for what is now 1.5 years. But like you I do intermittently manage to do things I have to do .. I guess for me it's just with delays in between. But I hear you too about the feeling of being exhausted after expending any effort for those types of tasks. I think I felt knocked down & out when I realized that I wasn't getting the job I just interviewed for. Because it was a referral, I thought I'd be a shoe-in but it did not work out that way so that kind of flipped me out.

I was able to break through this a little today and last night - I'll post what I did in another post here.

40
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Dissociated
« on: April 23, 2018, 09:38:10 PM »
Just wanted to post about this because I am concerned about this disassociated state I find myself in right now. It started after a week of a lot of intense activities facing the real world again, like a job interview, getting organized, and making phone calls. I brought myself through all of that very well a week ago, and then I gradually, slowly started dissociating and crashing again - for me that is a state of avoidance where I go deep into flight and freeze modes.

Part of me doesn't want to do anything about this, except continue escaping. But the other part of me is alarmed because I know I need to take care of daily life, which still includes having to get a job. I had hoped that moving out of my narcissistic FOO's home would help, which it has to a degree in that I'm not actively being psychologically abused now, but the CPTSD after-effects are alarming to me now a month later. I just don't want to do anything!

Does anyone have specific experience dealing with the flight or freeze trauma responses? I'm a little worried that if I just 'ride this out' like I normally do that I will never actually get to the other side with my feet on the ground! At the same time, I don't want to flood myself by forcing activities that I just can't handle right now either. Usually flooding myself like that leads to the very dissociated state I'm in right now. I'm just trying to find a way to get back to center I guess.

41
Now that I've been out of their house for about a month, I am relieved to not be in a state of hypervigilance wondering when the next figurative "dart" will hit me. (Dart being their emotional/verbal/psychological manipulations & attacks)

But I am back to my isolated life & emotionally flashback-ing all over the place. I woke up in this acute state of fear/panic today. It took ALL the energy I had to just face some scary tasks last week involving people & phone calls - but since I did those last week, I have not been able to stay in that state of empowerment - I've slipped once again into avoidant freeze/flight. UGH.

On morning like this, especially rainy Monday, I find it impossible to face life. Anyone else go through this? It's something I have to just ride out like a wave. Forced action will not happen - I would only further resist. I saw a video on YT Surviving to Thriving & she suggests a breathing technique & acupressure points to normalize my amygdala from chronic hypervigilance. I guess I need to accept that this is where I'm at right now, and not be angry at myself. The temptation is for the Inner Critic to really let me have it for all of my avoidance behaviors. Note to self: It's NOT YOUR FAULT. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

42
Hi, you have been through a harrowing experience. Just want you to know I can relate to the overall feeling of it still hurting even after you're "free" ... I went through several episodes with my covert narcissist father where he kept writing me notes that he would slip under my door. Some of the things he wrote were so piercing to my soul, I just couldn't believe a father would say such things to his own adult daughter. Evil stuff like 'your grandparents would be rolling over in their grave if ...' and a fake apology coupled with the supposed need for ME to apologize to him for nonsense things from the past (that's his forte, dragging long-gone subjects from decades ago back up to torment me with and guilt-trip me). The greatest pain I have is that I can never feel emotionally safe with my NF (undiagnosed) even though I can go months with him being perfectly well behaved and nice (this is the pure evil of the covert type, who resemble snakes). I am thankfully FREE of living in his house - but emotionally I still feel afraid of him and probably always will, and I have a hefty case of complex PTSD that I have to contend with daily.

One thing you are VERY blessed with is that your ex was officially diagnosed with BPD/N! I don't know if you realize what a gift this is, because it is your confirmation of something many of us never get. We KNOW they are B/N, but I'm guessing most will never put themselves in situations to ever be officially diagnosed. You now have the opportunity to teach your children what this means, and use this knowledge to validate your positions with your children vs. how he acts with them. Maybe a therapist someday can help you figure out the best way to handle that knowledge with children, but at least it's a starting point. That knowledge is power!

Speaking of videos ... those narc. videos on YT were my lifesaver as I finally learned * was wrong with my family. God bless the narc. community on YT! The two books helping me are Pete Walker's on CPTSD, and Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas (for those abused by covert PDs).

43
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Feeling totaled by PTSD
« on: April 23, 2018, 01:28:17 PM »
I totally get what you are feeling right now. I woke up this morning in an acute state of panic.
I'm once again in "freeze" mode avoiding people & situations.

My brain doesn't seem to be able to handle even the slightest potential "threat" even when there is no actual "threat." I believe it's due to the past year of living with my narc/borderline M&F. I was in such a state of CONSTANT hypervigilance being in their house that I think it fried my stress hormones/brain. I am really suffering now too even though I finally left their house & have my own space! You think it will get easier, and it does, when not around them, but the effects of how we reacted to them in stress/trauma still linger. Like our brains are reliving what they were conditioned to live with before. Ugh!  :'(

I am distraught at the moment because I don't do well on Monday mornings and someone I had contacted but do not presently want to talk to has called me already this morning and is in my area. I DON'T want to deal with anyone right now. I hate when I get in this avoidant/freeze state - it makes life a nightmare even when there is no actual nightmare! I am aware enough to see the irrationality of it all, but that awareness does not change my reactive emotional state.

I am going to spend my day praying and reading my Bible .... when I am in this state I am not comfortable or able to reach out to other human beings.

You're not alone, I totally get what you're going through. I feel totaled too!!!!

44
Thanks Three Roses for those links!

To Bajco if you come back to the forum, my CPTSD is also a result of COVERT abuse from a borderline & a narcissist.
I am utilizing these three sources of help:
1. Pete Walker's book on the subject
2. "Hidden Abuse" by Shannon Thomas - the only book I've seen that clearly deals with the hidden nature of covert abuse specifically
3. the Bible

I know I need a therapist at some point again - but just not quite ready to go there yet. You make a good point that just knowing what the problem is may not be enough to solve it, but rather just the starting point.

45
Books & Articles / Re: Finally reading Pete Walker's book
« on: April 20, 2018, 06:58:48 PM »
Thanks for the reminder to get back to reading Pete Walker's book! I started reading it, jumping around to key chapters & highlighting them in Kindle, but life gets in the way and I forget to go back to reading. I just went back today & it so clearly describes what goes on with me. It is by far the most specific revelation I've ever had about my own condition. God bless him!

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