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Messages - Kat

#1
"How do I stop beating myself up for choices I didn't make, things I didn't strive for, problems with relationships"

I read this and heard my therapist answer since I've said similar so, so many times: grieve.  I hate that answer.  But there's something to it.  You said it yourself: too much of this was chosen for you.  The best thing you can do is honor what was lost or never was by grieving.  Little by little, it helps.

Be super gentle with yourself.  Re-read what Woodsgnome said...there's a lot of wisdom there as well.  Don't forget that you matter.
#2
Other / Re: It hurts, but what is "it"?
February 09, 2021, 11:13:56 PM
Hi Bella,

I haven't been on the forum for a long while now, so it's interesting that I randomly showed up today to find your response.  I'd forgotten about this post.  I read where you said "I think the body believes it is dying!" and thought Yes!!  That is how it feels. 

My pain isn't so intense now, thank goodness.  It comes and goes, doesn't it?   Be well.
#3
General Discussion / Itchiness (& Anxiety?)
August 23, 2020, 07:43:23 PM
I recently went back to work and have been feeling extra anxious and overwhelmed.  I've also found myself suffering from itchiness.  My scalp escpecially, but pretty much all over.  I think they must be linked.  Has anyone else experienced this type of itchiness?  I find that Benedryl (OTC allergy med) helps, but it also puts me to sleep.  Creams & oatmeal baths do nothing.  Just curious to know if anyone else has dealt with this issue.
#4
Thanks, Hope!  I enjoy reading the articles you share.  Keep them coming.
#5
Thanks for this, Hope.  Very interesting read.  My sisters all deny that our father likely sexually abused us.  (I have no clear memories of the abuse.)  However, each of them suffers from reproductive health problems (and other health issues).  So...  It's just another data point that I find helpful to know. Thanks again.  Hope you are well.
#6
I think it's normal to feel a bit awkward in your situation and given that you suffer from C-PTSD--not sure if you can trust she's being genuine, being self-critical about having needs.  (Maybe?)  It may help to keep in mind that she is under no obligation to continue working with you if she does not genuinely want to.  If it's been a while, she can easily say she can no longer fit you in her schedule.  So, I think the fact that she does welcome you back says a great deal.  I know when I go for long periods without seeing my therapist I tend to start doubting our relationship, and we've been working together for 15 years! 
#7
Therapy / Re: CPTSD therapist in Los Angeles
August 01, 2020, 12:14:32 AM
Shel Wagner Rasch does hands-on Somatic Experiencing therapy.  (She was trained by and still works with Dr. Peter Levine.)  Even if you are not looking for a Somatic Experiencing therapist, she may be able to refer you to a good CPTSD therapist in the area.  She seems to be well-connected.  She was working out of her home in Mt. Washington (northern Los Angeles), but I believe she moved or will be moving.

I saw her up until the COVID stay-at-home orders.  She offered me Zoom sessions, but I chose to stick with my "talk" therapist.  Besides the bodywork, Shel is very insightful and intuitive and knows a great deal about complex-ptsd.

http://shelwrasch.blogspot.com/

Good luck!
#8
Employment / Re: To be able to work with C-ptsd...
July 29, 2020, 02:47:07 AM
For me, work provides the structure I need.  I am actually much worse off when I am not working.  I'm a teacher, so I don't have to interact with too many adults day-to-day.  I think the predictability of my daily schedule as well as having my own space where I am in charge helps me to feel safe as well.  When I have too much time on my hands I tend to get stuck in my head and typically start to spiral, so having my mind occupied with all that is going on in the room helps, too.  It's exhausting, but I would honestly be much worse off if I weren't working.
#9
Other / Re: Other physical symptoms
June 09, 2020, 04:02:41 AM
It's really hard to know.  The body does some interesting things to try to get us to notice it's stressed or holding onto unprocessed trauma.  Years ago when my mom attempted suicide, I developed an itchy rash on the palms of my hands. (?) I also had a random single itchy bump appear on one of my palms a couple of years ago.  It finally went away this past November, but then when things got stressful again, it returned.  I'd pay attention to your body and see what it's trying to tell you.

Of course, it could be your shampoo.  Pantene makes my hair fall out.  :)
#10
Other / Re: It hurts, but what is "it"?
May 17, 2020, 10:58:44 PM
Thank you, three roses. I'm sorry you are struggling and in pain too.  It's awful.  Doing my best to doggy paddle and keep my head above water. 
#11
Other / Re: It hurts, but what is "it"?
May 17, 2020, 03:43:37 AM
Thank you, notalone.  I appreciate it.  It helps to know others understand what I'm experiencing. 
#12
Other / It hurts, but what is "it"?
May 17, 2020, 02:56:46 AM
I've been having intrusive thoughts and nightmares.  I've been living in a serious EF for the past few days.  Time is all screwy.  I can't remember most of what I do throughout the day.  I keep crying.  I've been self-medicating more than usual.  I've self-harmed.  You know...like you do when you've got C-PTSD.

I keep telling my therapist that the pain is intense, and it is.  But it's not located anywhere.  It just freaking hurts.  She called it psychic pain.  I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about...don't you?  Everything and nothing hurts.  Everything and nothing is wrong.  I'm drowning while sitting on my leather couch in my perfectly dry living room while I watch TV. 

Please tell me you know how I feel.  Right now I'm feeling a bit crazy.
#13
General Discussion / Re: Question About Schooling
March 25, 2020, 03:26:25 AM
Marta, thank you for sharing your story.  That must be such a frustrating and isolating feeling. 

Unfortunately, you moved at a time when your ability to pick up a new language was starting to diminish.  When I was studying language acquisition in college, we were taught that it takes seven years for a person to become fully fluent.  However, I think that they are finding it takes longer than that.

You're probably capable of conversing well in French, so people do not see the extra work you are having to do as a language learner.  On top of that, academic language is not the same as conversational language at all, so that's an added handicap. 

I admire your bravery and strength.  You were placed in a tough situation.  You might try reaching out to one of your teachers.  Sometimes they simply don't know you need help or they don't know how to help or what might help.  Be well.
#14
Thanks for your thoughtfulness, Kizzie.  I don't want to bad mouth hotlines because sometimes they're all a person's got, but I've called a couple of times in my life and both times were a disaster--like something from a dark comedy.  (I had to find the humor or I wouldn't have survived.)  Finding an alternative before one needs it is a really good idea.
#15
Glad you are doing ok now.  I've had bad experiences with those hotlines myself.  I'm so sorry.  It just adds to the pain and loneliness when there's that lack of understanding and empathy.  Keep coming back here.