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Topics - Widdiful Falling

#1
The Cafe / I'm a blue belt!
September 19, 2015, 11:18:14 PM
After many months, and nerves, and good times, and fun, I've recently been promoted to gokyu, or blue belt, in aikido. My senseis said I tested excellently, and I really have them to thank, for taking the time out to work with me.

I'm also really, really proud of myself, because before I started aikido, I could barely put my socks on without falling over! I worked really hard to get to this point, and I'm proud of myself for coming such a long way. My IC is rejoicing. All the times I let her out to have fun paid off!

In lieu of a family to celebrate this with, I want to share this moment with you. Without you, I doubt I could have made it this far. Domo arigatou gozaimasu to all of you!

  :yourock:
#2
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Cool New Tools
September 16, 2015, 04:44:58 AM
My lovely and dear friend has been sharing her tools for recovery with me, and I would like to pass them along to everyone here.  ;D

Tool #1:
When you're feeling anxious about a particular event, construct a personal narrative that goes beyond completing your goal. Include how you feel now, how you will feel during your task, and how you will feel afterwards. It doesn't have to be profound, or even in a spoken language.

Tool #2:
When you don't know what you want out of life, and can't figure out what to do next, sometimes it helps to break it down. Think of an inspiring (not necessarily good) moment in your life. Then answer these questions about it: Where are you? What would you like to achieve? How can you achieve it? Don't worry if you can't answer every question. Do this with as many moments of inspiration as you can.

Both of these tools have helped me, although the second one is wearisome, and should only be undertaken if you know where your limits are. What I like about them is that they can be used at times when writing in a journal, or otherwise expressing emotion is impractical.
#3
Professionals / How did you find your GP?
September 15, 2015, 02:36:08 PM
I recently qualified for health insurance through my place of work, something I haven't had since I was 14. I need to go about finding a GP, but I honestly have no idea where to start. My health plan came with a list of doctors, but I can't find profiles online like I could when I was looking for a psychiatrist, and I find it a terrifying prospect to pick someone blindly, entrust them with my body, and hope for the best.

How did you guys select a GP? Is there anything I should look for in particular? Why do there seem to be so many different types of primary care physician? Am I looking for an internalist, a family doctor, or some other type I don't know of? What are warning signs that will tell me if my doctor can't be trusted? How do you guys get over your fear of going? It's terrifying for me to consider being touched and prodded by someone I just met.

I feel so overwhelmed by this. I keep thinking, it should be so simple. But I feel like I'm going in blind, and that's not comfortable no matter how simple the situation.
#4
I always forget to talk to my T about things during my visit, and then smack myself upside the head afterwards. I could write it down in a notebook, but I get my best ideas for topics when I'm talking to my friends. So feel free to add your own list of things you'd like to speak to a T about, or comment on mine. Thanks for helping out!  :hug:

My List

Why it feels as though there is a battle going on inside of me, between two opposing forces, one trying to drag me down into the mires of depression, and the other that can actually look at the world without cringing, and find the beauty in it.

Family roles

Guilt because of conditioning (Every time I mess up, I punish myself. I'm like a house elf. :sadno: ) ((Poor Dobby :pissed: ))

The outlook on life of the average person my age

What inhibits me from being friendly when I'm not smashed (I made friends with an entire bar this weekend. Apparently. They all know my name, but I don't remember much... ??? )
#5
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Controlled by emotions
September 04, 2015, 10:14:39 PM
Hey all,

I noticed that a lot of the time, I do things because of how I feel, and not because of what is going on at the time. Anyone feel the same way? Does anyone have any tips on how to improve?

I've tried meditation. It should help by itself in the long term, but are there any other tools to break this habit?
#6
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Feeling testy
August 28, 2015, 11:31:26 PM
Anyone else ever had one of those times when your anxiety spikes, and you just want to rage at everything until you calm down? I'm having one of those couple days.

I opened up to my roommate yesterday about just how terrifying it was to grow up with my M. He was appalled. It helped a lot, because I was having one of those moments when I thought it was all in my head, and nothing that bad happened. Now, I'm quite sure again that what I went through was quite traumatic, and I'm angry. How could someone try to destroy their child like that, in the name of love, of all things?

I don't have any outlet for my rage right now (I'm at work), so I'm being prickly. I'm trying not to be, but I really want to curl up in the dark and I'm sure it shows.
#7
Checking Out / I'm back!
August 28, 2015, 05:04:42 AM
Hi again, everyone!  :wave:

I haven't been around lately, because although you guys are wonderful and supportive, I get triggered a lot here. With the stress of work being busy again, I couldn't really deal with it. I could barely deal with work! Then, August came around. It's not a good month for me. There are a lot of bad memories, and a lot of anniversaries. But it's almost over, and I think I can deal, so here I am. I missed you guys. 

:hug:

#8
This story is going to involve (legal) substance abuse, sexual overtones, and bad choices.



I got stupidly drunk last night. I mean, full-on blackout, telling strangers I love you, "this bar is the greatest place in the world! WOOHOO!!" drunk. I was with a couple friends, and having a good time, when I guess (I don't remember) I decided to kiss one of them (we'll call him D), because I thought he was adorable. I'm in a long-term relationship with someone else, though.  :doh: D and my other friend walked me home, and (I remember this part) I was hanging on to D for balance while I walked, and he groped me. I was too drunk to care at the time, but in the morning, I messaged him to let him know that I'm not okay with him touching me like that. That's when he told me I kissed him.

I told my bf what happened, and he said he doesn't care. He brought it up again later in the day, though, at an odd time, which makes me think he's lying. We have a pretty open relationship, in all honesty, but we always discuss it first if we're going to do something sexual with a different partner.

I feel super guilty, ashamed, and anxious about the whole thing. I'm having a small panic attack just thinking about it. What if my bf is lying to me about not caring? What if he really doesn't care, and the reason is because he doesn't care about me? I feel really bad for confusing D, too. Despite my open relationship, and that it was only a kiss, I feel like a tart; like wanting to kiss someone I'm not in a relationship with is bad.
#9
I haven't been asked to take any, but if I were, I would probably turn down the chance to take any psychiatric medication. It doesn't make sense, given that I've experimented with illicit drugs and alcohol, but with those, I've always made sure their lasting effects are minimal. Psychiatric meds alter brain chemistry waaay too much for me to want to mess with them. In fact, I think that if I were to start anti-anxiety medication, my anxiety might worsen for having to take them!

Anyone else feel the same way? Are my fears founded or unfounded in your experience?
#10
The Cafe / It's my birthday!
May 11, 2015, 05:35:22 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!


:party:  :phoot: :cake: :phoot: :party:

Post birthday announcements, congratulations, and regards here! We deserve to be celebrated!!!
#11
Well, I was finally mindful enough to catch an EF before I turned into a wreck. Here's what my mother has to say about me:

I post too much about myself. I don't communicate perfectly. I don't post enough. No one here thinks I actually care about them, and so they don't care about me. I don't deserve support or validation. Sharing my successes is akin to bragging. I must always have some ulterior motive. I'm not seeking validation, I'm an attention-seeker who makes things out to be worse than what they are. Drama queen. B*tch without a reason. Useless. I don't help others enough. How dare I ask impolitely for help. I must show utmost courtesy and gratitude toward everyone who tries to help. Otherwise, no one will help me. I must give them everything, even if it burns me out.

I've been burnt out for such a long time that I just learned to function around it.

This is a safe place, but I still want to hide.

Will someone please help me through this?


#12
Checking Out / Hi guys
May 09, 2015, 03:49:25 AM
I didn't mean to drop off of the face of the planet. I've just been rather busy lately. Nice to see you all again!
#13
I am tired. Generally, when people are tired, they need sleep. Not me. If I'm tired, it's because I'm lazy and useless. How dare I sleep when there is so much to be done? I must exhaust myself before I deserve to sleep.

The same when I'm hungry. I don't really need that food until I'm well on my way to passing out.

I don't think normal people feel this way. In this way, I feel like I am an extension of my M. I keep applying her philosophies to my life, and until I stop, she will live on.

I was really confused the other day when I said I was tired, and even though we had things to do, my SO suggested I sleep. I protested, because who sleeps with things left to do? My SO said that doing things can wait, because if I'm tired, I clearly need sleep. I realized that tiredness is my body's way of telling me to sleep, not a sign that I am lazy. In fact, I bet that if I slept every time I was tired, my productivity would increase, if anything.

I am also trying to wrap my head around crying as a healthy self-expression rather than as a sign of weakness and lack of control. I want to get to the point where it's not shameful for me to be seen with tears in my eyes. I've always been told by M that I'm ugly when I cry, so I try not to inflict my ugliness upon other people.

Can anyone else relate, or share advice?
#14
General Discussion / So I started counseling
April 22, 2015, 07:57:45 PM
My first appointment was today. I was scared and anxious at first, especially because I had trouble finding the place, and was late. But the T was very understanding. I told her my life story, and she said I show remarkable emotional resilience. First time anyone has ever said that to me. It went really well, I thought. I like her. She seems intelligent, but not overbearing. She helped me put words to how I felt to understand it more. I cried a lot, and started getting shaky toward the end. I'm trying to not think of it as embarrassing.
#15
I was just thinking about how peaceful my life feels since I moved away from my family at 18. One of the biggest changes is that I know I don't have to keep a mental inventory of all of my mistakes, and try to keep them from coming to light. I don't have to worry about coming home and finding my M read my journal. I'm allowed to make mistakes (and journal!) without everything blowing up in my face, because I'm not so bad of a person that I would do something to deliberately hurt someone.

I think that having to keep that mental inventory led to the creation of the ICr. In a way, it protected me. I think I now really realize how superfluous it is in my current life. I don't need protection like that from my mistakes, because I've surrounded myself with people who won't emotionally abandon me for being human.

No pressure, just be yourself. :)
#16
General Discussion / I have fleas
April 17, 2015, 10:06:24 AM
I just read cat's post on emotional abuse, and while it was excellent, it also made me really, really sad and uncomfortable.

I am guilty of looking at people like two-dimensional objects sometimes. Especially while I'm at work. This is one of the reasons I know I can never stay in customer service long-term, and why I try to limit my interactions with the customers. I usually start out alright, but by the end of the day, instead of people, I can only see potential problems walking through the door. I'm polite, and courteous, but I tend to become polite and courteous in a really robotic way.

It reminds me of the way my M treats people. She had a customer service job, and she said she was sick of working with people. I told her its a learning experience, and that it's kind of cool to learn about each customer individually. She said it was fun to learn at one point, but now she's seen it all, and can't learn anymore. She knows how to interact with every stereotype she has labeled in her head. The thing is, that's not human interaction. That is objectification at its finest. I find myself wishing for some sort of very specific flow chart I can use, though. Objectifying people is just easier.

I also try to rationalize my mistakes to people. I also accept them, apologize for them, and try to do better, but I still feel compelled to justify all my actions, and I think it makes it seem as though I'm trying to deflect blame. I should probably just apologize and shut up, but here I am, rationalizing. The thing is, I'm so used to living in a crazy household, where every mistake I made was because I'm clearly mentally unbalanced and evil, that I don't expect people to be able to guess the reasoning behind my actions correctly. So when I've made a mistake, instead of "WF, you've made a reasonable mistake that a thousand people have before," I hear "WF, you are crazy and evil for even thinking such a thing is allowed. Maybe if you stop being so crazy and/or evil, you will stop making mistakes like this one." So I feel compelled to defend my sanity by explaining how I arrived at the mistake I made. It hasn't been brought to my attention, but I think it makes it seem like I'm deflecting blame. I suppose, in a way, I am. I'm apologizing for the wrong thing. Instead of "I'm sorry I made this mistake," it turns into "I'm sorry I'm a terrible person who is crazy and/or evil." It's nuts.
#17
Every time I get even close to talking about how I feel, I start shaking like mad. But it's really weird, because I still feel empty (as usual :( ). I have no idea what this shaking means. My M used to yell at me for it. I remember watching a movie with her that was really intense and scary, and shaking like I was cold, but I wasn't, and my M told me to knock it off. I'm able to suppress it more, now. Like I said, it mostly happens when I'm talking about how I feel.

It probably sounds really weird, but I never noticed that emotions have a physical feeling. Now that I do, I feel like I've been acting my way through life. I'm like a robot with the programming: event happens > appropriate emotion found > emotion displayed. WFBot 9000 gets confused and overwhelmed sometimes, though, and in those times, reverts to her primary mode: irritability and flat affect. I effectively emotionally BSOD. No wonder the customers at work find me unsettling. Yeesh!

Ummm... So can anyone else relate, or am I just a freak? Also, is there a handy guide I can look up, to help me relate physical feeling with its companion emotion? Or am I doomed to be a machine for the rest of my life?


On a vaguely related note, I remember my M telling me my older sis was like a machine. My M didn't like that about her. Then, my M ran around yelling at me, because how dare I even think I know what X feels like with my "charmed life" (of poverty, homelessness, and child abuse). Nothing less than the best I could possibly be, never mind the circumstance, was acceptable (let alone celebrated), and my true emotions weren't allowed to exist, so what's left but a very efficient, very inhuman being? I'm another machine. My M should have been an inventor instead of a parent.
#18
Steven Universe is a cartoon about a boy with superpowers. He goes around, having adventures and misadventures, learning to harness his power. It's made by the creator of Adventure Time.

It is also a lovingly created exploration of emotion, and good-enough role-modeling. None of the characters are flawless, and all of them react to events around them with reasonable shows of emotion. It's enough, sometimes, to make someone like me very uncomfortable.

Best of all, his dad, and the rest of the adult figures in the show, clearly love Steven very much. The first time I saw Steven interact with his dad, it was clear to me that he is a good-enough parent. He takes care of his son, even though Steven has superpowers. His dad may not be perfect, but he loves his son unconditionally, and treats him with respect.

I highly recommend this show to anyone who wants to know what a loving, respectful adult-child relationship looks like. I would also recommend it to anyone who has trouble accepting or showing "negative" emotion, as the show doesn't shy away from portraying the nuances of sadness and anger. It treats them like any other emotion. They're treated as things that happen sometimes, instead of objects to be defeated.

I think this is the first media representation I've seen of real love.
#19
I just had a conversation with my amazing brother, today, and I am astounded at how well he is holding together. I told him I'm proud of him, and I am. I'm quite proud. My little brother will have the life I never did. He doesn't seem to have C-PTSD. He's emotionally intelligent, and resilient. It's wonderful to hear.

At the same time, though, I feel really sad, and I can't quite put my finger on why. I think it's a combination of things. He shouldn't have to go through the abuse, I shouldn't have had to go through the abuse, and I feel like there's something wrong with me for not being the same way. He's so... together. Whole. He didn't lose his authentic self the way I did. I feel bad for feeling this way. I should just be happy for him. And I am, but I'm also sad.

I feel like such a failure.
#20
General Discussion / Parentification programming
April 02, 2015, 01:26:21 PM
As I read threads here, and on ootf, I've begun to realize that reading stories about what parents will not do for their kids triggers guilt in me. I realized just now, that it's because I feel bad for not doing those things for my mother. I feel bad for not taking care of my parent.  :doh:

I think this is a big step for me. The realization that I am actually younger than my parents, even though I don't act it. Shouldn't they be the responsible ones? The ones with drivers' licenses, and steady work, and comfort for their children?

I need to stop comparing my relationship with my M to others', especially because in our relationship, the roles are reversed. I hear about mom's sending gifts and money to their daughters, and I immediately feel guilty because I haven't done this for my M. I'm just starting out. There's no way I have enough disposable income to support myself, and her.

The way the expectation that I'm going to take care of her is there, too, gives me pause. Of course I would have no problem taking care of her in old age. But she is an able-bodied individual. I shouldn't have to parent her.

It makes me wonder if anyone else who is NC feels the same way. Or what other subtle (or not-so-subtle, as it were) signs of parentification I'm missing.