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General Discussion / Perfectionism is destroying me

« on: September 25, 2018, 04:54:33 PM »

Can anyone else relate to always feeling like you have to be perfect all the time? I’ve noticed lately that even though I am out of my toxic environment, I still tend to take on far more responsibility than I can handle. Part of me thinks it’s because growing up I was functioning while being incredibly stressed all the time and it’s all I’ve ever known. Also, I and I’m sure everyone like me would be brutally punished for making a simple mistake of a typical child. I would try to be as perfect as possible to avoid it but in time I learned that I could never be perfect enough for my FOO. I don’t want to be like this, I’m so stressed and it’s not healthy at all. I just don’t know what to do. I’m in therapy but I feel like I need so much more help than I’m getting and it’s frustrating. Sorry if that was all over the place.

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Emotional Abuse / Being assertive = intense anxiety

« on: September 01, 2018, 02:55:32 AM »

Recently I found myself in a situation anyone else would have not been so calm in. Basically, there was a situation where my health was at risk due to the conditions I had been forced to live in. I took it up with the proper authories but doing so made me so anxious. I kept feeling like I was overreacting or like they would hate me for speaking up. All of my neighbors had said if their place looked the way mine did when moving in, they would not have been anywhere near as nice as I was. I have improved so much over the years with asserting myself but I still find it hard when thrown into situations such as this 

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Emotional/Physical/Sexual Abuse/Harassment/Violence / The thought of dating again both scares and repulses me

« on: August 29, 2018, 03:24:53 AM »

I am currently in the process of accepting, learning and healing from the fact that a few months ago I got out of an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. The thought of dating again anytime soon repluses me. I hate the thought that I was so controlled, that I really believed that I was crazy. Recently I met someone who I thought I liked at first but then came to the conclusion that he’s probably not in the mindset to be dating anyone. On our date, he spent far too much time saying how he only attracts crazy women and also putting himself down and it made me uncomfortable. I stopped talking to him and I feel guilty about it. I know I shouldn’t and that people do it all the time but I dont know. Plus like I said, the thought of a relationship right now repulses me. I just want to live my life and not have to worry about another person and what they might think of everything I do. Why do I feel guilty???

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Emotional/Physical/Sexual Abuse/Harassment/Violence / Was this abuse? Or just a toxic person? (Possible TW)

« on: July 31, 2018, 03:05:20 AM »

So, like many here I’ve been abused my whole life. The thought that I could then find myself in an abusive relationship after I promised myself  to run for the hills if that ever happened makes me feel...I dont even know. My ex did things that were so subtle such as making me feel like nothing I could ever do would be good enough, making jokes that were hurtful then calling me too sensitive (never infront of others), making me feel like I was the problem and was alwyas being called too negative (though my friends never once said I was negative or depressing) and overall just making me feel like I was crazy. What baffled me is he knew exactly who I was when we started dating, but yet hated me for all those things in the end. He blamed his sh** behaviors on his depression and childhood but that doesn’t excuse how awful he made me feel. Then he was charming again during the breakup talk, which was mutual but he said everything that I had wanted to hear because he always knows just what to say when it counts. I’m trying to process all this but it’s hard. If it was abuse it’s certainly not the type I’m used to, I’m used to clear cut verbal/emotional/physical. This was so subtle, I’m not sure what to call it. Abusive is a harsh label to throw at someone you know? 

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Family of Origin (FOO) / Conflicted

« on: July 31, 2018, 02:40:46 AM »

After things got ugly over Christmas, my dad came to the realization that if he didn’t change then he faced never having a relationship with his only child. Since then, things have been better than they’ve ever been. With that being said, things aren’t perfect, and he’s still the man that abused us all these years. Lately he’s been nice to me and trying to talk to me and establish some sort of relationship but it’s hard. I feel like I’ll never truely trust him, not when I know how fast his personality can shift into a monster. I just feel guilty, like I shouldn’t be so cold when he talks to me you know? I just don’t know how or even if I should bother. 

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General Discussion / Re: I don't wanna go back...

« on: May 16, 2018, 07:32:35 PM »

Littlebirdy,
I’m so sorry.  Maybe you can live with a friend over the summer? Maybe you can get a job so you don’t have to stay home much?  Is there any way you could get a job on campus? Just some suggestions.

I am in the works of getting two jobs. See, because of my situation at home I had a habit of putting all of my effort into maintaining toxic relationships without even realizing it. I am trying to strengthen the friendships that are healthy but basically what I am saying is I wouldn't feel comfortable even asking them. The deadlines to apply for jobs on campus are gone because I wanted to return to the job I love doing as it will be my last opportunity to be there . I have places to go for a night or two but nowhere that I could stay all summer.   

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General Discussion / I don't wanna go back...

« on: May 16, 2018, 06:24:03 PM »

The semester is ending and I have to go back home for the summer. I dont want to go in the slightest. My dad is abusive and my mom is neurotic. It is such a toxic environment but I have no where else to go...I can't afford to stay at college for the summer it would be stupidly expensive as would anywhere else. I feel like a child who has no control over where I go. My bf keeps saying I need to stop being so negative but I dont know how not to be when I know that in 24 hours I'll be stuck living there for three months. I feel like it's even worst now because after being away from my parents house for a few months I have begun to see just how toxic the environment is. And now I'm forced to go back. I'm gonna try and stay as busy as possible but still.

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Therapy / Re: Trying to find a therapist

« on: March 13, 2018, 07:29:48 PM »

I cam relate to that struggle, I myself am going through the same thing. I am meeting with a T for the first time in two weeks, hopefully it goes well! Best of luck to you on your journey 

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Letters of Recovery / Dear my younger self

« on: February 22, 2018, 05:49:53 PM »

To high school Kendra (not my real name),
I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve to feel worthless. I wish you could look in the mirror and see how truely beautiful you are. Also, stop denying you’re in love with your best friend. You’ll regret that someday. I’m sorry you go home to chaos everyday. You don’t deserve the way he talks to you and your mom. You should be spending these years being carefree but instead you spend too much time alone in your room. You should be going on adventures, you should be taking risks and living life to the fullest. I’m sorry you get taken advantage of so often, I wish you had the courage to speak how you truely feel. I can’t turn back time, I can’t heal you, but I can live life now to the fullest. I promise you someday will come. Someday you’ll wake up and roll over to see the love of your life laying next to you. Things won’t be perfect, but they’ll be so much easier. You’ll quit that stupid job with your cruel bosses and work your dream job. You deserve to be happy, and you will be. I promise to live my life to the fullest from now on because you couldn’t. Because I can and I will.
Love,
Kendra, a few years later

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General Discussion / Guilt about moving out?

« on: February 21, 2018, 04:54:51 AM »

For the past month I have been away from my FOO and in a dorm and I have been doing GREAT. It’s actually amazing how many of my health problems have vanished now that I am not so stressed all the time. The thought of going home for the summer has been haunting me and I’ve been looking for local apartments, but something in the back of my mind I feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t and that I’m an adult and deserve to be happy and healthy but there’s just that lingering guilt of abandoning my FOO you know?

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Going Low/No Contact with Abusers / Dorm Life! I'm Free for now! :)

« on: January 22, 2018, 11:10:47 PM »

All moved in! For those who read my last post, I have decided not to tell my roommates about my CPTSD for now. I met the family of one of the roommates and witnessed a happy, healthy family. I was so taken aback. The four of each other interacted so nicely and lovingly with each other. Meanwhile my dad came to move me in after I told my family over and over I did NOT want him to come. He did nothing but create tension and it wasn't long before I was shooing my parents out the door. Luckily no one was around to see the dysfunction/ Another thing I noticed is I fall asleep so much faster here!

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General Discussion / Re: Is anyone a highly sensitive being?

« on: January 15, 2018, 05:46:22 AM »

I relate to these all too well! Once the sound of my mom crinkling a bag of chips hurt so badly I grabbed it out of her hand to make the noise stop lol. Usually I find that noises bother me when I’m stressed or a loud noise occurs and I was not expecting it.

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General Discussion / Why compete??

« on: January 15, 2018, 05:37:31 AM »

I’ve noticed in my day to day life and sometimes even on here people tend to make a hierarchy or abuse. Why do that? I mean, at the end of the day maybe the different types of abuse leads to different triggers but most of us experience similar symptoms regardless of what lead us here. This is what I’ve been thinking about lately, would love to hear others thoughts on the matter.

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / I’m so frustrated

« on: January 15, 2018, 05:11:37 AM »

Ugh, after the Christmas disaster i have not been doing well. It’s like after the incident occurred i felt a shift in my brain. I feel like no one gets it so I often find myself escaping to this site because you guys seem to be the only people who can relate to how I’m feeling. I was doing so well in my recovery and now its like I’m back at square one. I can’t sleep because at night my anxiety is unbearable when I get tired. I can’t wait to move out full time (I’m in college) but it just isn’t realistic any time soon. I can’t be a full time student and afford to move out. I can’t afford a T who specializes in trauma. Don’t get me wrong there are some wonderful T’s at school but sometimes I feel like they just don’t get it fully because it is not their area of expertise. I just feel so withdrawn and unhappy and trapped in this stupid house. I know I shouldn’t think so negatively but I can’t help it.

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Going Low/No Contact with Abusers / Re: Should I tell them? Advice please!

« on: January 10, 2018, 08:35:51 PM »

What about talking to the college (a counselor who must maintain confidentiality rather than housing might be the place to start),  about having CPTSD and see if they can/will help you deal with this? IMO dealing with this sooner rather than later is probably the best approach as your trauma responses will eventually be noticeable to whatever roommate you end up with.  You never know, the institution may have accommodation policies in place for this kind of issue. 

  the college does have liscenced psychologists and whatnot so I actually did plan on going to see one of them. As for accommodations, never thought of that actually. I’m so used to toughing things out when I shouldn’t guess it never truely occurred to me that it could help